superdad

I mentioned previously, when Henry got his first real haircut, that Henry and Daddy have been doing more together.

Well, Daddy is quite in demand these days. In fact, we were joking this weekend that "daddy is the new mommy." (Not quite. I go upstairs to put away some laundry, and the next thing I know, the 2 little boys I left downstairs with daddy are now dancing around me, peppering me with requests. And daddy is flipping through the channels. Why does he get left alone so often??!!)

But anyway, back to my story. The boys have been really interested in superheroes lately. And daddy seems to have infinite knowledge of superheroes. They will sit at the dinner table and say "daddy, will you tell us about Batman?" And Bill begins (for the dozenth time), "Well, when Bruce Wayne was just a little boy, he was walking with his parents, and some bad guys attacked his parents..."

He tells them the origins of all the superheroes, and then the boys repeat the stories back to me: "Peter Parker went to a museum full of spiders! And one spider was craaawling up his arm... and it BIT him! Ahhhh!"

It's really sweet and cute. Henry will even venture outside to pursue daddy! In the picture above, I got both boys to eat dinner (pizza) outside while daddy read them books and told stories. It seems kind of primal- the elder males of the species passing down legendary hero stories to the next generation...

try try again

Melissa, you are not the first wise woman to suggest that I buy my son a Spiderman shirt. The first to suggest it was L, the woman who cares for him all day. I guess she was getting tired of seeing him in his pajamas all day and/or having to do the dirty work of MAKING him change out of them. One morning she said "Tommy, you'll have to ask your mom to get you some superhero t-shirts."

Could I be any more dense?

That very day I went out at lunchtime and bought a Spiderman shirt and a Batman shirt, and they have been added into the rotation. Today I actually bought him 2 more. The jammies he was wearing Sunday are somewhat new (used to be Henry's), and he "wanted to show them to Grandma and Grandpa." I tried to talk him out of it, and then said "I'm just going to let him wear them."

"Of course you are" was my husband's response. What do you think that means?!
_______

Due to a schedule conflict Monday evening, I took Henry along to Tommy's gymnastics class. Over a year ago I had enrolled both boys in gymnastics: Henry in a "special needs" class and Thomas in a 2 & 3 year old class. Henry hated it and stopped going. Thomas loved it and continued.

I called ahead to ask Tommy's teacher if it would be alright if Henry came along. After the preliminary "he's not signed up for the class so he can't legally use the equipment" spiel, she said that she would work with him as she had time and let him try some things out.

Henry said he just wanted to watch, but also seemed excited to be there. (I didn't carry him screaming and crying from the place before class even started, like I did last year, so we were off to a good start.) The kids start off running in place, then do some stretches, and then a warmup song. Henry took a spot next to his brother and started running (stiffly) in place, clutching his prints and his newest Disney magazine. He continued to do some of the stretches and not others, but all with an interested attitude.

Tommy liked showing him how it was done, and Henry willingly tried jumping into the foam pit, doing a forward roll, the balance beam, donkey kicks, crawling through a tunnel, hopping, and jumping on the trampoline. I was so, so pleased! At the end of the class, the teacher said "Henry, last year, when you were in my class, lots of times you said 'I can't do it.' Today, you know what I heard you saying? 'I did it!'"

So I am considering signing him up for the class again, although I think the appeal of Monday's class was that participation was OPTIONAL. If I am paying for the class, I am going to want him to participate more of the time.

After gymnastics, we went to Bob Evans' for dinner. Maybe I was trying to re-write history, because it's the same restaurant we went to after that ill-fated first gymnastics class last year. It was during the first (also ill-fated) attempt at potty-training Thomas, and I remember a stinky and messy incident with a pullup...

Anyway, as soon as our waitress came to the table, Henry announced "I want blueberry pancakes and lemonade please!" No time to look at the menu, he was hungry! So we ordered right away. Tommy started looking around and coloring the kids' menu. Henry immediately began asking "Are they making our food? Is it done yet? Is she bringing my pancakes? Is our food ready?" He would not be distracted, and asked nonstop about his food. It reached the point where Tommy got exasperated and said "No, Henry. Our food is not ready yet. It is not coming yet. We have to be patient." (I guess someone was listening to me.)

Henry ate every last bite of his meal, and most of his brother's. He had also visited my office that afternoon, and visited L's house when we picked up Tommy. It had been a very busy evening. He had a pretty rough day the next day at school- I wonder if he was over-tired.

So here's to waiting awhile and trying something again. Henry may not be an Olympic gymnast anytime soon, but now I at least feel like he has had a positive experience there, and the three of us had a pretty pleasant evening together. Kind of an extended Mother's Day.

Henry and I walked up to Starbucks Saturday afternoon. (This was before I had even seen the list of things he likes). It was a beautiful day and a walk with a favored destination is most of the time the only way to get him out of the house. He took along a couple "prints" from the computer, and talked about those for the first half a block, but then started looking around him and commenting on the beautiful day and beautiful trees. I am reminded that these prints are a transition item and can then be tucked into my purse or pocket. This works so well, and there's little need to force him to leave them at home. That causes anxiety, and makes him even less interested in transitioning.

I gave him $5 and had him order his own coffee cake. While he ate, he asked "where is Tommy?" He has been doing this lately- wondering where his brother is when he is not with us. It is encouraging to me- they are used to having one another around. I reminded him that Tommy was at home napping. Then I asked him "do you like having a little brother?" (Of course you know the answer I was hoping for.) "No" Henry replied casually.

My balloon deflated a little. But then I noticed him smiling a little sideways smirk. "Hey- are you messing with me?" I asked. "Yes." His little sense of humor is coming along nicely.

On the walk home we chatted with a couple neighbors and petted a dog. At school they call their field trips "community trips" and I guess that's what this was too- getting some experience being out in the community.

For Mother's Day we met Grandma & Grandpa at a dairy farm midway between our cities. The family that owns the farm has added attractions over the years- they make their own ice cream, have 2 restaurants, miniature golf, and animals you can feed. New this time was a sort-of train ride: individual cars strung together and pulled by a tractor. Grandpa asked Tommy if he wanted to ride. I gave Grandpa the camera, not realizing that they would be riding together- so I didn't get a picture. But they sat in the last car and it was a very bumpy ride around the farm!!

Henry loved the animals, of course. If I won the lottery I think I would buy a dairy farm for us (and hire some people to run it- my farm experience is a generation removed!)

Grandpa let Thomas choose his own ice cream cone- so of course the boy picked out a waffle cone dipped in chocolate and sprinkles, filled with chocolate ice cream. It was bigger than him!

And yes, he's wearing his pajamas.

On the drive to and from Young's Dairy, we listened to daddy's "junior" mix on the ipod. It features some Disney songs, Peter, Paul and Mary, marching band, Jack Johnson, and Ben Harper. The boys did not argue one bit and I loved to hear their little voices singing in harmony.

While we were gone, Bill cleaned up the house a bit and he cooked a yummy dinner on the grill. Then Kate put the boys to bed while we grownups took a walk.

Henry gave me a potted plant, some homemade chocolate covered pretzels, and a votive candle holder made of a baby food jar, blue tissue paper, and a ribbon.

Boy, it was hard to come back to work today after such a nice weekend!

mother's day 2007

I have a card and a present from Henry still to open today, but these two items were just sent home in his bookbag. I was so excited to find them. I think if you click on the picture you can see a larger version. They are both laminated, so there is a bit of a glare from the flash.

I think it goes without saying that I cried when I read this:

This means so much to me because these are all real things that we like to do together. I can imagine the teacher asking "what do you like to do with your mom?" and Henry replying "nothing" in his little singsong voice. (Not because it's true, but because, if you've read here before, that's how Henry responds to almost any request that is related to schoolwork!)

So they somehow elicited from him 10 real examples of things he likes about me. This is priceless! (You've probably heard about many of these activities before, except maybe the macaroni and cheese thing. I've kept my prowess at Kraft mac & cheese to myself until now.)

Reading to him in the morning and sitting on the patio are both things we do on school days if there is enough time. So that's what makes them special.
And I asked if the picture at the bottom was me- he said "no"- but I'm thinking it probably is. Bill thinks so too- he could tell by the lightning bolt hair.
It's been a draining week. We had Kate's birthday, teacher appreciation week (Henry baked brownies), mother's day (needed to buy cards and mail them on time), the trip to the zoo (I didn't go, and it was fine. Except for all the time I wasted agonizing about it), a special event at work on Friday...

I've been having a lot of what we call "internal dialogues"- where I think something to death until my head spins. Ironic thing to post about on Mother's Day, eh? How being a mother is making me insane! :-)
We have some fun planned for today- hope everyone else does too. Thanks for being such great moms and helping me be the best mom I can! XXOO

haircut, talents

Here's a photo of the haircut. I am liking it better, even though what I had imagined doing was much more drastic. I can't find a recent photo for a "before" comparison, but we cut off at least 4 inches, I'd say- my hair had been down to my shoulders.

I pay this woman a lot of money to cut my hair, so I figured if she wasn't sure about a Sienna Miller cut:

Then we'd try it her way first. We may still go shorter next time.

In my attempts to get a picture of my hair, I snapped this one, which I've added to my blog page. I like it for some reason. I think because it sort of sums up how I feel about this blog sometimes: like I'm trying to capture an image of my life, but I'm always in a hurry and trying to do too many things at once, so you just end up with an off-center snapshot of me and a kid- on our way somewhere together.

Thanks for everyone's concern about Henry (and me). He did have a fever Saturday, and a low-grade fever Sunday, but has been eating pretty well and had another great day at school yesterday. I continue the Claritin and hope for the best.

Last week Henry's school had a talent show. I guess 2 boys re-enacted a lightsaber fight scene from Star Wars. Henry loved it and has been talking about it a lot. I hope that someday he will participate in the talent show!

Last night Thomas had gymnastics, and they used the trampoline. Now, Tommy has been jumping on a trampoline at L's house since he was one year old. He's excellent at it. You may think I'm a bragging mom, but when it's his turn to jump, I swear that a hush falls over the class. And after he's done, applause erupts. I am not exaggerating.

I am ashamed, however, to admit how much I love that feeling- the feeling that my kid is great at something and it comes easily to him, (through no effort on my part.)

I feel that way about Henry too, at times. But his abilities are not usually presented to a group. Our society tends to more quickly recognize a kid with a physical ability or verbal ability, rather than a mental ability.

It makes me a little sad to realize that their lives may always be like this: Tommy getting attention from the adoring masses, with Henry plugging away unnoticed.

But you know what? Henry would hate to perform in front of a crowd, and would cover his ears to their applause. So it works out fine. (But I still hold out hope for the talent show...)

not again

I really keep hoping to post a coherent, positive blog entry.

Unfortunately, today is not the day.

Henry woke up feeling sick today. Runny nose, red eyes, but no fever. I gave him some allergy medicine. But he started acting sicker and sicker. We ran some errands (which included renting 2 movies of his choice because he had such a super week at school) and when we got home he voluntarily went upstairs and climbed in bed. Now I think he has a fever but I haven't taken his temperature because he is asleep- that sickly kind of sleep where your eyes aren't quite closed all the way.

The thing is, it was exactly- I mean exactly- one year ago that he came down with whatever it was that eventually landed us in the emergency room with pneumonia. You might remember the worst day of my life.

I know lots of people have been through much worse, and I know that even if it were to happen again I would know more this time, and I know that nothing is to guarantee the same thing is going to happen again.

But the combination of PMS and full-caffeine latte for breakfast have created an emotional cocktail of panic attack proportions. I am freaking out.

On another topic, the hair is ok. Not as short as I was planning... I actually attempted (looking like an idiot) to take a bunch of pictures of myself in the van on the way to work yesterday! Then I somehow deleted them while downloading... Maybe it's a full moon this week.

spring fever?

I have started about 4 different posts in the past week. I need to set aside daily blogging time so I can complete a thought! Some things I have been wanting/meaning to write about are:

- How much it stinks to make a public pronouncement of forgiveness and then want to take it back!

- How disappointed Henry was when we undertook a very ill-planned trip to the college football team's spring scrimmage game. I totally under-estimated how many people would attend, and we wandered around inside the stadium, unable to find a seat!

- How fun it was to take my sons to a movie (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). I spent some time that weekend remembering Henry's first movie in a theater. It was Finding Nemo, at the $1 theater, summer or fall of 2003 (Henry was 4).

I remember that we went to the zoo that morning, and then the movie, just the 2 of us. We were still working on potty training. I struggled to get him to use the public restroom before the movie, and at some point during the movie, (he was sitting on my lap) Henry had an accident. But I was so thrilled to be sitting through this entire movie- Henry laughing at the right moments and getting excited at the right moments, that we both just sat there with wet pants, watching. Is that weird?

I remember wanting to cry (ok, maybe actually crying a little) when Beyond the Sea came on over the credits. I was so happy that we had shared this regular experience- mom and kid, watching a Disney movie in the theater. No meltdowns, no loud perseverating, just some urine-soaked pants. A small price to pay.

- Because Henry is transported to school and I work full time, I don't make enough opportunities to visit the school and meet the teachers. This week his school is having a book fair, so the boys and I ran up there Tuesday evening. Of course the librarians know Henry, because he visits them twice a week. They both made a point of saying hello to him, and Henry told me their names. As we were paying for our books, one of them asked Henry "is this your brother?" Henry didn't look up and waited just long enough to reply that I was thinking he didn't hear, or wasn't going to answer. Finally he didn't look up, but answered "this is Tommy."

At one point Henry said "some first graders are here."

"Some of the kids from your first grade class?" I asked. "Yes."

"Do you want to say hi to them?" "No."

I wasn't surprised that he didn't want to talk to the kids, but I was glad that he noticed them and volunteered some information to me.

- Sometimes when I lie in bed with Thomas at night, listening to him talk, I really wish he would shut up and go to sleep. But then I think about how lucky he is that he can express himself with words, and I can't bring myself to tell him to be quiet. And then he sleepily says "mommy, I love you super duper super duper super duper super duper super duper super duper super duper much." And I know that I am the luckiest mom in the world!

I am feeling antsy lately- emotionally and mentally itchy- like something's not right or something needs to change. Maybe this is what they call spring fever? I have a haircut appointment today and am planning to have it chopped off. We'll see if that scratches the itch...

happy with the world I have, thanks.

I generally avoid political discussions- especially the politics of autism. And I'm a little late to the game with this one- Kristina, for one, discussed it here, and Mamaroo, for another, here. But in case anyone else hasn't seen this video yet, I thought I would throw it out there. I'm not savvy enough to actually post the movie on this site, but you can click here to get to it. It's created by/for Autism Speaks.

A link was forwarded to me by my mom. She received it from one of her friends. And I felt like I should register my feelings about it.

I love the images used and the way autistic children are shown to be the beautiful people they truly are. We see laughter and affection and joy. I would like more of the general public to see pictures like these when they are exposed to autism.

The images are interspersed with statements- some of which I think all of us would agree with- to answer the question in the song's title: What Kind of World do You Want?

-"A world in which a mom can hear her autistic child say I love you." (This one made me smile and think of one friend in particular. Go Oliver!)

-"A world that doesn't judge an individual with autism."

I take issue, however, with a couple of the phrases, which seem to directly contradict the happy families seen in the video, as well as the statements above:

-"A world where no family has to live with autism"

-"Autism Speaks wants a world where autism is a word in the history books"

This point has been made more eloquently by many others before me, but if we wish autism away, aren't we wishing our kids away? The same gorgeous faces that are featured in this little video? How can we want the world to "not judge an individual with autism", but at the same time wish it would go away?

I find myself thinking "yes, I wish Henry didn't argue so much and I wish he would be more willing to try new things and I wish he could be more comfortable with his emotions."

But I also wish Thomas wouldn't have such anxiety over which superhero outfit he is going to wear, and wish he would stop jumping off the couch, and I wish he wouldn't cry about having to wear shorts in the wintertime.

Take away the difficult aspects of a kid's personality and what are you left with? It's not reality.

And I hate to think what an autistic individual would think, upon reading "I want a world where no family has to live with autism."

It's easy for me to say, speaking for myself only, because Henry is "mildly" affected by autism. He doesn't injure himself and he is able to speak to me, although it is far from easy and has been a long road. My comfort level with autism has grown over the years, and Henry's abilities have grown as well.

I guess I'll end up being wishy-washy and saying I can agree with bits of what Kristina and Mamaroo each said. I would love to take away Henry's anxiety, and be more confident that he'll be able to keep himself safe. But I have no interest in changing who he is. He waves his hands and kicks his legs to express his excitement. He hums and smiles to himself and repeats favorite lines from movies (tonight I was the object of "you little fool.") Those are all traits of autism, and they are traits of Henry. It's a package deal.

I wish that autism organizations would spend more energy/resources promoting research into assisting people with autism (focusing on the first two goals- the ones I agreed with), and less energy/resources worrying about ridding the world of autism. It may just be quibbling over semantics, but during Autism Awareness Month, when the aim is to educate the general public about autism, the words we use are vitally important.

Just another mom's 2 cents.

Easter and a reward

Easter was not conducive to picture-taking this year. It was cold and windy and even snowy.

Still, we forged ahead and attended the city parks & recreation department's annual Easter egg hunt.

These kind of events always amuse me because they make me realize how bizarre some of our holiday traditions really are. "Here kids- when we say 'go', run out there with all the other children and try to grab as much candy off the ground as you can. Then you can eat it. Right- just eat the candy off the ground."

My kids did ok, but some children were crying! Either because of the cold, or because they were scared of the crowd, or they were just plain confused!

The whole thing was over within 10 minutes. The boys had grabbed 2 pieces of candy each, but some of the organizers were walking around with baskets of candy, dumping handfuls into the pitiful, non-competitive children's baskets, so they still scored plenty of sweets.

Saturday afternoon we colored eggs. For years, it seems, I have purchased eggs and dye, only to be disappointed when no one wanted to color eggs. But this year I was pleasantly surprised. Kate, Thomas, Bill and I all did some coloring. Henry still didn't want to actually participate, but he danced around the table and kept announcing "we are coloring Easter eggs!" We actually went back to the store for another dozen eggs.

Sunday we went to church and had another candy egg hunt in the house. Sunday night Bill and I stayed up until 11 (very late for me!) watching the past 2 episodes of Lost that we had recorded. All in all, a very nice family weekend.

_______

Henry woke up yesterday morning saying that he wanted to get the movie Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows. I think it must be previewed on one of his other movies, because he's not otherwise a bionicle fan (whatever the hell a bionicle is?)

He really wouldn't let go of the subject, so I tried to think fast and told him that, when he got 10 stars on the chore chart, he could get the movie. The "chores" are things like feed the turtles, put away your clothes, do homework, so he could conceivably earn the movie by the end of the week. I could really be in trouble if he started wanting a $20 reward once a week!

Fortunately for me, I guess, but unfortunately for him, Henry's stubborn resistance to any and all requests is making this a tough goal to reach.Yesterday he helped throw a pile of dirty laundry down the chute. After I asked him about 10 times. And that was the only star he earned yesterday. He read his homework book, but refused to do the accompanying worksheet.

I heard him and Bill arguing about the homework while I was giving Thomas his bath. I headed downstairs just in time to hear Henry snarl "you little fool." !!!!!! Directed at his father!!!

Of course this is a script from one of his movies, but how funny! I mean, funny but inappropriate to call one's father a fool...

So I'm not sure how well this reward system is going to work. It seems to make Henry extra anxious- he worries about earning a star or not earning a star. He woke up this morning talking about Bionicle and about his homework. (The homework isn't due until Friday, so we still have time to do it.)

I think that homework is stressful enough for him without adding the "you'll get a star" incentive. I thought it might motivate him, but instead I fear it makes him think "I don't want to do this homework but now if I don't I won't get a star and I won't get a movie and I really want that movie but I really don't want to do my homework" etc....

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I should modify the reward- we could just rent the movie or borrow it from the library. Then if he does start earning a reward every week I won't go bankrupt.

One other interesting thing about the "chore chart": we had filled all but one of the columns with jobs. Henry was very troubled by the last, blank, space. He kept asking me to please fill in the last job. I found it intriguing that he wanted all the spaces to be filled. I guess he just wants to know what he's up against. I couldn't think of a good one, so I finally just wrote in the catch-all "help mom and dad". Too late I realized that I should have written "eat vegetables"! Maybe next week.

Here's hoping I can stay up to watch Lost tonight. I've been doomed ever since they moved it to 10 pm.

so NOT cool

Pop Quiz:

Say you're a 7-year-old child, autistic or not, and your class is taking a field trip to the local ice cream shop. What might you REASONABLY expect to enjoy at the end of said visit?

a.) Nothing but the pleasure of looking at all the ice cream
b.) A scoop of luscious strawberry ice cream
c.) The lunch your mom packed for you, which contains no ice cream
d.) The perseveration upon the idea of ice cream consuming your entire mind for the rest of the day

Unfortunately for the first graders at Henry's school, the answers for them are A, C, and D.

Ugh! Whose brilliant idea was this?

(As soon as Bill got home and Kate filled him in on what had happened, he took Henry up to the same shop for that strawberry ice cream.)

ooops, I'm sorry

All five of us went to see Meet the Robinsons today. We've never all been to the movie theater together before. It was fun and, needless to say, Henry was very excited. (Thankfully I had a movie gift card to pay for our admission. Matinee admission and snacks and drinks cost nearly $60!!!!)

This evening I was in the boys' room with them, keeping an eye out the window for Bill to come home with some pizza. Tommy was pretending to be a ninja (go figure). At one point he threw a shirt (he changes clothes so many times a day that there are always spare shirts and shorts laying around) at Henry. (I don't think that's a traditional ninja move.)

Henry picked up the shirt and started swinging it at Tommy's head. They roughhoused in this way for a little while, as I asked Henry in vain to stop whipping that shirt around "it will really hurt if it hits someone in the face."

Eventually the shirt did whip someone in the face: me.

"Ouch" I said, "I told you not to do that- that hurt me. I know it was an accident, but you need to say you're sorry."

"I AM NOT SORRY!"

"If you hurt someone by accident, you can just say 'ooops, I'm sorry'. It's no big deal."

"I am NOT sorry. When daddy comes home the pizza will be all gone!"

"Henry, why are you being so mean and grumpy? We did something really special today: we went to see..."

"I did not WANT to see Meet the Robinsons!"

OK, whatever. How is it that you hit me in the face and yet you're the one who ends up angry?

Bill got home with the pizza and Henry ate about 6 pieces. I was reading the newspaper as we sat at the table together. The others were in front of the tv. Henry was saying something quietly and it didn't register at first. "What's that Henry?"

"Ooops. I'm sorry."

He just had to do it on his own terms? Give it some thought first? I don't know, but I was glad he said it.

I wonder if part of the trouble had to do with him just being over-hungry? Otherwise I don't understand the comment about "the pizza will be all gone." Maybe he just couldn't think about anything else until we had that pizza.

One day this week his teacher wrote that Henry ate his whole lunch for morning snack and then bought a lunch at lunchtime!! He ate a hamburger and the bun that day, which I don't think I've ever seen him do.

Thursday night after his swimming lesson he ate 11 chicken nuggets, and today at the movie theater he ate every last kernel of popcorn out of the bag. It seems he's getting ready to grow.

One other awesome thing: Kate said that one afternoon they were listening to music and dancing together. Henry stopped and said "I miss my brother Tommy." We don't think he's ever said that before. He must think Tommy is a good dancing partner!

photos, general update, and siblings revisited

The photo shoot at Target went great on Friday!! I intended to only get a photo of the three kids together and then one or two of Tommy to commemorate his 3rd birthday. My logic was that Kate and Henry get school pictures taken, so I didn't need to get more taken.

Of course I was wrong, because these were much better than what gets snapped at school!

I had "warned" the photographer ahead of time about Henry: we've been burned before by photographers who wanted to do lots of different poses and props. Henry will usually only tolerate one or two snaps, and you'd better hope that you got something usable!

He is getting older, however, and this photographer was more calm than some we've seen, so she was able to get quite a few photos.

So finally I can check something off my to-do list that's been there since Christmastime!

_____________________

The rest of our spring break weekend was nice. The whole family (yes, even the teenager) enjoyed a picnic at the park on Sunday.

Both boys have been doing a super job of helping with the new chores (taking out the trash, putting away clothes, cleaning up). I kind of feel like a dunce to not have done this sooner, but oh well. I am learning to work through (i.e. ignore) Henry's protests and am finding that he'll do all sorts of things if I just make him do them (through persistence, not physical force)!

He has always argued about everything, but now has added SHOUTING to his repertoire. It sometimes makes us smirk because it is quite an over-reaction. If I were more technologically savvy I would record him so you could hear it... At any rate, we feel that while I DO NOT NEED TO TAKE A BATH (along with a foot-stomp for emphasis) is not the response we would like him to give us, it is a developmentally appropriate way to try to assert his independence and is ok from that standpoint. And despite his shouts, he usually proceeds to take off his clothes for the bath anyway.

The other night I found the bathroom stool in Henry's closet. He was trying to reach something on a high shelf (some Disney magazines). I was astounded. This is the first time he's ever shown initiative like that. I guess he just needs the proper motivation (thank you Walt Disney.)

_____________________

I left a comment over at Christine's site the other day that I wanted to expand upon a little. It said, in part:

Sometimes I suggest to Tommy that he could play with Henry, and Tommy says "well, Henry doesn't really like to play." And that breaks my heart- for both of them.

But one day last week Henry went along to the sitter with Tommy. When I picked them up, Tommy said (unprompted) "Henry was a little bit nervous today." And this whole new avenue opened up in front of me- one where the little brother could be a voice and a guardian for the big brother. Very comforting.

It is intriguing to me to watch my sons' relationship develop. I have worried about it in the past, but am starting to feel more comfortable. When Tommy was still a baby and Henry was newly diagnosed as autistic, I worried that they would not have much of a relationship at all. But that was silly.
While neither boy is the other's ideal playmate, and they may never play together the way I remember my brothers doing, I do feel that they are forging a lifelong relationship.

Although they were born nearly 4.5 years apart, anyone who didn't know better would assume that Henry and Thomas are quite closer in age. His small size and developmental delays make Henry seem a few years younger than he is.

Some of his interests (Power Rangers, superheroes, Playhouse Disney tv programs, Disney movies) that are a little immature for most 7-year-olds work nicely with Tommy's interests in the same subjects. And, maybe because they've always shared a room, they are both good about sharing toys, books, etc. Well, they're not always good about sharing, but don't seem to have a concept of this is mine- not yours and I hope it stays that way for awhile.

I mentioned when writing about Henry's IEP that both boys are working on zipping zippers. When we visited the zoo and the conservatory recently, they both looked for stone walls, railroad ties, and concrete blocks to walk along, practicing their new balancing skills.

One new development that has surprised me a little is this: Thomas has taken to reprimanding his big brother. For example, he'll say "Henry, you're getting all messy from picking apart your doughnut. Watch me, I take bites." Again, this makes Bill and I smirk, but we quickly tell Tommy "we'll worry about Henry. It's not your job to tell him what to do." I knew the day would come when Tommy would realize he was "more able" than Henry, but I guess I didn't expect it to come at age 3!

I used to worry about how I would tell Tommy about Henry's autism; how I would explain a disability without making Henry seem inferior. But it seems like Thomas is figuring it out for himself. I hope he will grow to be an advocate for and ally to his brother. What a blessing.

middle of the night ramble

I'm not a person who does this- wakes up in the middle of the night and gets on the computer. The last time I can remember not being able to sleep (not counting when baby Thomas was involved) was the year "our" football team was playing for the national championship. (The school I graduated from and now work for.) We were having a party that night and I was excited/nervous- I got up and started cooking and cleaning.

My body and mind are out of whack this week. It's spring break for Henry and Kate. Henry went along with Thomas to the sitter Monday and Tuesday and I planned to take Thursday and Friday off. Wednesday morning I woke up with the tummy bug that has been through the rest of the family. Kate was able to take care of Henry as we had planned, and I asked Bill to come home from work to take Tommy to the sitter's. Then I went back to bed from 9 am to 1 pm. It was one of those days where it felt nice to sleep so much, but then my back started hurting from laying around for hours on end. But I still wanted to sleep more...

Then yesterday I felt better. But I felt hungry. I have been eating a lot better lately and exercising about 3 times a week. Yesterday all of that went out the window. I ate a lot of stuff that I haven't eaten for awhile, and I wonder if that is why my body has me up at 3 am. I don't feel sick exactly, but I just don't feel right.

I also started worrying about my little mental to-do list: we need to replace the gutters, shop for a new(used) car, figure out why the dryer stopped working again... Of course, I can't do any of those things right now, can I?

I had a nice day with the boys yesterday. We took lunch to daddy at work and then went to see the butterfly exhibit at the conservatory (right in line with Henry's recent homework project.) We got there just as they were doing a "release" of butterflies that had recently emerged. I thought that would be good timing, but it was not. There were too many people (including gangs of school kids on field trips) and a person talking loudly on a poor soundsystem so she sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher.

We tried to stop and watch and listen, but Henry got agitated and said "let's keep moving!" So we did. We made the obligatory stop in the gift shop (Henry got a spiders sticker book and Tommy got a bouncy ball. I got a half-price shamrock plant) and then went through the whole place again. The second time through was not as crowded and we stopped to look a little more.

They have indoor rooms representing 4 different regions. Each one has paths and bridges and waterfalls that are lots of fun for little boys. (Yes, of course Tommy is wearing his cut-off Batman pajamas. This is the 3rd day straight for those.)

Our second time through the butterfly room was MUCH more satisfying. It was not as crowded, and the sun had come out so the butterflies were more active. Everywhere you turned, there was another one!

Henry was mildly interested in the butterflies, but really got more excited about the running water:

(Actually, I just noticed that in that picture Tommy is LAYING DOWN looking over the edge of the bridge. Real safe time for me to take a picture, eh?)

The boys also enjoyed making wishes in this fountain at the end of our visit.

I am so grateful that we are at this stage- where we can visit places and it is truly enjoyable for everyone. We each might have a different agenda, but (knock on wood) most of the time it manages to come together.

Oh, one other cool thing- I'm so disappointed that my camera died before I could capture a picture, but we stopped in the education room before we left. They had hands-on kid butterfly activities, like you could look through "butterfly eyes" to see what their vision is like, and try to place butterfly magnets on a scene so that they would be hidden from predators. They also had these butterfly wings a child could strap on. Thomas did it (of course) and then I was very surprised that Henry did it too! He pretended to fly around and left them on for quite awhile. He is showing more interest in pretending lately. He is learning some things from his little brother, I think. There is a post on that rattling around in my brain, but it needs more thought.

Thanks for keeping me company, internet. Maybe I will drink a cup of tea and try to go back to sleep. Tomorrow morning (or this morning, I guess) we are attempting a photo of the kids at the Target photo studio, so I need to be rested!

homework project

The homework assignments this year have been sporadic. He'll have some worksheets once in awhile, or a "baggie book" to read and then a worksheet to go with it. But especially since all the snow days, we haven't had much homework.

Last week, however, we had a PROJECT. The STACK class has been learning about bugs. They visited the downtown library for this month's community trip, and each boy found a book about a particular bug. Henry's was butterflies. (I'm not sure if he picked butterflies to be his bug, or if it was just assigned to him.)

This homework gave me a crash course in what his teachers mean when they say "Henry will verbally refuse 70% of the time" about just about everything they ask him to do.

We were to create a poster about our bug. It was to include the name of the bug, 3 facts about the bug, and drawings or pictures of the bug. We had a week to complete the project, so I mentally divided the assignment into what I thought were workable segments.

At Target last weekend I bought some letter stickers from the scrapbook section. Knowing that writing is not Henry's favorite task, I thought the stickers would be a fun way to label items on the poster.

Monday night we used the stickers to write "Butterflies" at the top and "Henry" at the bottom of the large piece of paper. Then we started looking through the library book to find some facts and pictures for the poster.

Henry (in a breathless, panicked tone): "I do not want to read this book I do not want to find any facts I do not want to look at the pictures I do not want to read this book..." stops to calmly say "This picture" (pointing). And then resumes: "I do not want to find any facts..."

He indicated 2 photos in the book that he liked. The next day I made color copies of those and we glued them smack in the middle of the poster. That was the extent of the work on Tuesday night.

We took Wednesday night off because Henry was vomiting.

Thursday night we had to finish the poster. This is when he really let me have it. I mean he had real tears falling out of his eyes. "We don't have to do three facts I don't want to do three facts I don't want any facts There are not any facts..."

He had those tears pouring out of his eyes and his nose was running all over the place. And he was screaming at me.

"Is this how you act for your teachers at school?" I asked, trying to exaggerate with my facial expression how shocked I was. He didn't answer the question, but seemed to stop and think for a moment.

I hand wrote the first fact: Butterflies eat ________. Then I handed him the first letter sticker. All he had to do was put the stickers on the paper to finish the sentence, and I wasn't even asking him how to spell the word. I just wanted to get it over with.

"They eat nothing Butterflies eat nothing They do not eat nectar!"

I was sure that the stickers would not even stick because he had so many facial fluids all over his fingers.

Then, a brief pause as he looked at the "n" sticker. He turned it upside-down and said "It is not an 'n' it is a 'u' Butterflies eat uctar!" I found this pretty clever. Although he seemed near-hysterical to me, he was actually clear-headed enough to play a little game with the sticker.

And then we plunged ahead. "We will not do another fact Just one fact We will have just one fact Not three facts..."
Fact #2: Butterfly _____ (wings) are made of _____ (scales)

"Just two facts Not three facts We will just have two facts..."
At one point I said (trying to use a soothing voice) "Why are you getting so upset? I'm right here with you, and I'm helping you."
He really latched on to that for whatever reason and kept repeating "I'm right here with you."

Fact #3: First, a butterfly is a ________ (caterpillar) (This was the briefest way possible I could think of to mention the butterfly's life cycle.)

Finally we were finished with the &%$@#*! poster. I gave him a good squeeze and he calmed down a little. Then I said "let's read over your poster." He hopped right up, stood arrow-straight, and recited:

Butterflies
Butterflies eat nectar
Butterfly wings are made of scales
First, a butterfly is a caterpillar

As if he was so proud. As if he had not spent the past half hour crying and arguing and begging NOT to work on this poster.

His teacher said he also enjoyed showing it to his class the next day.
Why do we have to go through this routine? How much longer will this go on? Why is he so intimidated by schoolwork? Was is he so afraid? Why is his first response to everything a panicked "please God no- whatever you do don't make me do this work!"? And then after it's done "oh, look what I made. I'm so proud of it. That was fun."

lots to say today, most of it good

What a lovely weekend we had. I wish I could bottle the feeling of the sunshine and being with my sons and save it for a rainy frustrating day.

Saturday morning Henry and I went to Target for the Peter Pan DVD (he did have a very good day on Friday, thank God.) I also picked up materials for future sticker charts and I found a dry-erase "chore chart" upon which to track the boys' new chores. So far we have feed the turtles, take out the trash and recycling, put away clothes, clean up, and homework, and they have earned quite a few stars already.

Sunday the weather was finally nice enough to go to the ZOO!


We needed to wait in the "member services" line to activate our new membership and, unfortunately, so did many other families. It took us about half an hour to get in to the zoo. But my sons were so patient and so good for the whole wait. I was really proud.
That's why, when Henry asked right away to go to the gift shop, I said "ok". He specifically said he wanted to go to the gift shop to get a zoobook. He ended up finding 3 that he wanted (Big Cats, Wolves, and Lions) and I was an indulgent mom and let him get all 3.
True to his personality, Thomas picked out a white tiger mask at the gift shop. He wore it the entire day and it was a lot of fun to see all the curious looks he got from other kids, and all the smiles from grownups.
It won't surprise you to know that Henry was not interested in riding the carousel with his brother.

But I was so pleased with his plan for what he would do while we were on the ride: I'll just wait in the chairs, he said. (His Zoobooks are in his hand.)

When we left the zoo, I told them both that I had such a wonderful time and I was so proud of how patient they had been and what good listeners they were...

"When was I a good listener?" Henry asked. That made me laugh a little, because I didn't exactly want to point out all the times I thought he was going to get mad, but didn't.

_____

Today was the IEP meeting. It was held in the same conference room where we had our first disability-type meeting (wow- that was 4 years ago!) Anyway, it was a strange feeling to be back in that room, but a good feeling considering how far we have all come and how much more we know now than we did then.

One great thing about the meeting was that the "regular" 1st-grade teacher came in to talk with us. We've never met her before and she seemed like a very good fit for Henry. She said that she is a very structured person, and runs her classroom that way, and that Henry has seemed to respond to that. He is spending more and more time in her class and she sees him making progress as far as his participation in things like circle time (instead of covering his ears, he now occasionally joins in the singing and hand motions!)

As handwriting is the activity he is most adverse too, they are going to look into some computer programs available to modify his writing assignments. Right now he is equally opposed to writing on the computer and writing by hand- writing is writing and he doesn't like either! But perhaps if the work of writing is made easier, his sentences will get longer, etc.

When we talked last week, his teacher (Mrs. C) told me that she is hoping to catch one of his "tantrums" on videotape to share with her supervisor. Mrs. C says that whenever she tries to get ideas from others about dealing with this behavior, they all act like they don't believe her: "sweet Henry doesn't kick and yell and lay on the floor! I can't believe it- he's always so sweet." She's thinking "yeah, he's sweet MOST of the time..."

After the meeting I caught up with Henry as he finished lunch and then we went out to the playground. I wish I could have stayed all day!

My favorite quote for today: "Please protect me from my own feebleness." (You can read the whole post here.) I too was floundering with my child's logic first thing this morning.

Henry woke up early with a stuffy/runny nose that was all over his face and pillow. A new phrase he uses lately is "I was scared. I didn't know where you were." As usual, I don't know whether to take this statement at face value. Was he really scared? Or has he just picked up that this is something children say when they wake in the night? I hunkered down in bed with him and once he warmed up he fell back asleep for awhile longer.

When it was time to wake up for real, he was grumpy. As he often does, he first thought about what day it is. "It's March 9th. Peter Pan the special edition comes out today."

Now, last weekend, when he sat so still for me to cut his hair, and helped clean up his room, and shared with his brother, I had mused out loud: "you are doing a lot of good stuff lately. We should get a sticker chart and you could get a sticker each time you help me or are a good listener. And when you have it all filled up, you could earn a reward."

I added "sticker chart for H" to my shopping/to-do list. (I really did- I'll take a picture if you don't believe me.) But never bought or made the chart. So this morning I said (I really need to stop doing all this thinking out loud) "oh, I never made a sticker chart, did I?"

Henry started getting really agitated about the DVD. "I want to get it. I earned enough stickers. I earned enough stickers. I earned enough stickers. I did earn enough stickers."

So I feebly responded: "if you have a good day at school today and are a good listener, we'll go tomorrow and get the DVD." I'm angry with myself about this response because it puts a lot of pressure on him to be good today, and he doesn't usually respond well to that. I'd much rather be able to reward him for cumulative good behavior throughout a week than give him an unrealistic and unclear expectation of "be good today". And what do I do if he doesn't have a good day? Then I'm really screwed because he will talk about the DVD all weekend and I'll have to come up with another way to earn it. I mean, sometimes I buy him something just because. But now I have set up this expectation...

We continue to live and learn. I will just try to be better prepared next time. Please protect me from my own feebleness.

Thanks for your comments about the IEP. For the most part I feel that his teachers have come up with thoughtful and useful goals to work on. Kristin is right about the zipping/buttoning goal: I'm sure the purpose of this one is to make the teachers' lives easier. That's the same reason Tommy's caregiver is working on zipping his coat- because she needs those 5 kids to get themselves ready to go outside. (And so it is that my 7 and 3-year-olds are working on the same skill.)

Now the eating goal-this is a sticky issue (literally- ha ha). It really goes to the heart of one of the many autism debates, doesn't it? This is one thing that Henry has been able to verbalize: “I like to eat my food with my hands, I like to break it into bites.” I just hate forcing him to take bites. One side of me feels that it serves a sensory need and it’s cruel to force him to change…

But then there’s the other side- I don’t want the other kids to make fun of him, or for him to never be able to go to a restaurant when he gets older…

So they’ll probably work on it at school and I’ll undermine them by letting him continue to use his hands at home!

I wonder how much luck the teachers will have, though. Wednesday Henry bought lunch (he just bought lunch for the first time last week) and it was pizza day. I wrote to the teachers that this might be a good time to try working on bites, because Henry, like Kristin, eats the toppings off first, with his hands.

The notebook that night said "Henry refused to eat his pizza. So we were unable to work on taking bites." So that's how this is going to go. Stubborn Henry will just refuse to eat.

I did catch him taking bites of a chips ahoy cookie last night (unprompted). Those are too hard to pick apart. So maybe that's the secret. Tough food and tough love.

iep progress

Yesterday Henry's teacher sent home a rough draft of his IEP. Why, after all these years, do I feel a pang of hurt when I read these? It's a knee-jerk defensive reaction to the fact that someone is criticizing my son. It's so silly, really, because these people are there to help my son and they have to write stuff this way to make it fit in their system. I know that, but it still makes me a little sad- just a little.

Anyway, here are some of the highlights, for those who are interested:

1. a. need: Henry completes class work independently 40% of the time. When asked to leave computer, puzzles and leisure area, Henry will verbally refuse 70% of the time. When a classroom rule is broken, Henry will follow classroom consequences 30% of the time with prompts.
b. goal: Henry will follow classroom rules, quietly transition from preferred activities, and follow written and verbal directions.

2. a. need: Henry will refuse writing assignments 90% of the time. Currently he will write one 3-4 word sentence with prompting for each word. He also requires prompt to create the sentence.
b. goal: Henry will increase number of words written and use sentences to express his own ideas.

3. a. need: During free time and recess, Henry chooses not to interact with peers. He will read, play the computer or puzzles 100% of the time. He will initiate playing tag during playground time.
b. goal: Henry will learn new leisure activities to participate in during free time or recess.

4. a. need: Henry needs physical and verbal help to open a juice box and food container. Henry picks apart his food in small pieces to eat. Henry needs prompts to wipe mouth and clean up area each time he eats.*
b. goal: Henry will eat food appropriately and open food items independently 90% of time.

5. a. need: Henry frequently asks for help, but needs to develop effective fine motor skills that will increase his independence in activities of daily living at school.
b. goal: Upon request, Henry will independently perform self-care tasks at school. (squeeze glue, fold paper, close snaps, fasten buttons, zip zippers)

6. a. need: Henry demonstrates an immature throwing pattern. Henry requires an adult hand when on the low balance beam and needs to walk in a typical gait, instead of a shuffle with one foot following the other.*
b. goal: Henry will demonstrate a mature pattern when walking on the balance beam and overhand throwing a ball.

And then 3 speech-language pathologist goals:
1. Henry needs to articulate the "r" sound clearly in order to get his message across to listeners accurately. Henry currently substitutes "w" for "r" in all positions in words.

2. After completing a task, Henry needs to improve his ability to answer questions about the activity, including those related to sequential concepts. Currently, Henry is able to sequence 3-4 picture cards and answer questions about the picture sequence. He continues to have difficulty sequencing real events in the classroom and reporting the sequence once the activity is complete and he has moved on.

3. Henry needs to discuss and answer questions about stories he reads and stories read aloud to the class. Henry currently answers simple "wh" questions about stories of high interest but demonstrates inconsistencies in his ability to answer questions about stories, especially those read aloud during group times.

*These ones in particular made me feel a little sad. I think because the way he eats and the way he moves are so much a part of what is Henry. Even though I know they are not the right way to do things, I don't like to think that they are wrong, either.

My mom sent this to me yesterday, and I thought that someday I should share it with my blogging friends.

Today I visited one friend and then another who were both feeling kind of low, and decided I should hurry up and post it.

The sun is shining here today- I hope it will lift everyone's spirits!

moving on, always moving on

My 3-year-old always seems to be dragging me into his future. When I want him to still be watching Teletubbies, he's watching the Power Rangers. When I want him to hold my hand, he wants to do it himself.

It has never been so with Henry. He's always been happy with the status quo and usually been reluctant to try something new. That, combined with his developmental delays, has made me shield my eyes from the future in many respects. I don't know when he'll learn to ride a bike, for example, and (this is a secret) I don't really care that much. I'll keep on reading him books forever if he wants...

Except, wait, all of a sudden he knows how to read!

For much of preschool and kindergarten, I was just trying NOT to think about "what if he gets kicked out of this class for being aggressive". I couldn't afford to think much about what the next 13 years of school would bring.

It kind of feels like I've been holding my breath for a looooooong time. And now, suprisingly, I'm breathing a little more again. The past couple weeks these strange thoughts have popped into my head- like I should teach Henry how to answer the phone. Or maybe we'll get him a cell phone when he's a little older for if he's at home by himself. Or I should give Henry some chores to do and an allowance so that he can learn about money and buy himself a new dvd or book once in awhile.

That's the kind of stuff a parent thinks about with a regular old 7.5 year old. And here I am, thinking it. Cool.

I talked with his teacher yesterday about IEP goals. This is the most communication I've ever had about goals, and it feels wonderful. Every other IEP meeting seemed like it came out of nowhere and I was ill-prepared. I kind of felt like I was going there so they could tell me about my kid. So then when everyone turned to me and asked me MY goals for Henry, I was like uhhhhh, errrrr, I want him to like school and make friends. Brilliant, mom.

So anyway, I feel much more like this is a team effort now and it's nice. I will share the goals when they are written down, but in general we talked about the following:

-working on other leisure skills and activities. Mrs. C said that during leisure time Henry always chooses a book, puzzle, or computer. She would like to see him choose to play a game with someone once in awhile

-raising his hand and waiting his turn to speak. I brought this up because lately I notice him interrupting a lot. I think he has always done it, but we have all been conditioned to think everyone stop what you're doing- Henry is talking. All eyes must be on him. It can't be that way for the rest of his life!

(Side note: I am becoming more aware of this as I try to assess what effect having a "disabled" brother might have on Thomas. When we were at Tommy's 3-year checkup, Henry kept wanting to talk to the doctor- show him his books and papers, etc. I told him that Tommy was talking to the doctor and Henry would have to wait his turn. But Henry is not used to hearing that.)

-some basic fine motor skills that still need work: buttoning, snapping, zipping, squeezing glue

-conversation skills/how to greet his peers and chat with them. Mrs. C told me that she realized that Henry would say "I miss my mommy" as a sort of conversation-starter with adults! She couldn't figure out why he would say it when a new person came into the room, but then figured out that it was a way to break the ice!

-she said that Henry is at (or above) grade level for his academic skills, so those do not need to be part of the IEP.

He will still "tantrum" (her word) on occasion and refuse to do work somewhat frequently. And she would like to see him get away from needing a reward for everything; like he often is bribed to do his independent work with the promise of earning computer time, etc. But I think back to where we were a year ago- don't even want to think about 2 years ago- and he has progressed 100%.

So check with me in a year and he'll probably be calling me on the phone to ask when I can take him to spend his allowance!