an autumn outing

Yikes! I don't want to leave that rant up here too long! And, we did something fun and photo-worthy yesterday...

Remember our 10th anniversary trip? Bill suggested that we take the boys down to that area for the day, hike around and have a picnic. We decided to stop at the first area of the park that we came to. Unfortunately, we didn't remember that this area was the most treacherous. I literally remember thinking when we were here before "I would never bring my kids here- I would be terrified." Ooops.

Tommy was so very excited, and just hopping and jumping around like he does, right near these slippery drop-offs. And we worried about Henry just as much, for almost the opposite reason: he is so weak and uncoordinated that he might just stumble and fall down and panic...

So we just held on really tightly. And of course everything turned out fine.

I ended up being the only one who slipped at all. On one of these broken steps. I was holding Henry's hand at the time, and made a big deal about how he "saved" me.

Henry pulled the same routine he had at the pumpkin patch: I'm not going to look at the cliffs. I'm not going to hike on the trails. I just want to wait in the car... But it was easier since Bill was there with me- one adult to talk Henry down and the other to be excited with Tommy. Henry ended up enjoying himself, as always. He specifically asked me to take this picture:

There was lots and lots of step-climbing, and we were so proud of Henry for the way he kept up. I had visions of carrying him up and down steps when he was 5 years old and just didn't have the strength, or his little legs were too short. But he's a big boy now and didn't complain once. He even enjoyed balancing on some of the stone walls: "It's like a balance beam!"

Stamina is never a concern with Thomas, and yesterday was no exception. He could have stayed twice as long, climbing and jumping and making up adventures. In the picture below he is holding a piece of rock that he found and had declared to be "a dinosaur's tooth!" (This picture is kind of dark because we were under a huge rock overhang- I don't know if that's technically considered a cave, but that's what we called it.)

This picture was taken from inside one of the cave areas. Can you blame the old man who made this his home? If you take out all those people wandering around, what a gorgeous retreat.

open letter to the other parents at the pumpkin patch

To all the other parents at the pumpkin patch Monday:

My older son Henry, Tommy's big brother, has autism. I'm sure you noticed that he was acting strangely Monday. I'm sure you noticed that we kind of kept to ourselves. And maybe you've never seen someone with autism before, so I thought I'd clue you in.

Even those of us who know Henry best have a hard time discerning what happens at times like this. We had talked about going with Tommy's class to the pumpkin patch for weeks. Henry didn't have school and it was my birthday, so we planned this as a very special outing. I think Henry gets very excited about activities like this, but also feels uneasy- unsure what to expect and anxious because of his excited feelings.

Maybe when I tried to talk him into leaving his books in the car I got us off to a bad start. He ended up bringing them with him, but perhaps thought I was mad? Or perhaps he was disappointed in himself because he knew I wanted him to leave them in the car, but he just couldn't? I tried to reassure him, to tell him it was fine. That's when we were stopped in the parking area, hugging, while Tommy ran ahead with some classmates.

You'll remember that there was a lot of waiting in line- to enter the farm, and then again to snake through the little store and get our donut and apple cider. Henry was wanting my attention the whole time- saying things like "I'm not going to pick out a pumpkin. I'm never going to carve a jack-o-lantern," and wanting me to reassure him.

And when I tried to chat with some of you other parents Henry decided to get my attention by stepping on his brother's foot, or pushing. So, sorry that I didn't get to chat with any of you. It's nothing personal.

It didn't help that some of the reassurances I tried: "maybe you'll feel better after you eat your donut", ended up backfiring when we had to throw our snacks away and flee from the swarms of bees.

The other kids were loud and wild and some little ones were crying. Henry doesn't like any of that. And he isn't physically adept enough to keep up in that barn full of hay that his brother was leaping around in like a madman.

Henry did like the "petting zoo" (pen full of goats), and he found a couple quiet places to sit and look at his books. But again, he wanted me with him for reassurance. And that's not really fair to my other son.

And then there was that looooong wait to get on the hayride. That was really agonizing, as those of you know who were standing around us. I mean, your kids were impatient too, but they weren't whining and repeating the same things over and over and trying to provoke their siblings. Well, ok, maybe they were. Maybe that part isn't really autism-specific. But I felt bad because a couple times I got fed up and got down to Henry's level and said "THAT'S ENOUGH! I really don't like the way you're acting. You're making me really frustrated!" And then Henry's lip would quiver and tears would come into his eyes.

And at that moment I would remember that, as uncomfortable as I was feeling? He was feeling 50 times worse. He was just feeling really uneasy, and doesn't know how to soothe himself, aside from looking to me to make it better. And the only way I could really have made it better would have been to get out of that line and walk back to the car and drive away. But that wouldn't have been fair to my other son- the one who was behaving perfectly that day and who deserves to not have his fun messed up.

So we stood there and stood there and stood there- I literally had my back to all you other parents for like half an hour- trying to help Henry keep it together. And then we finally got on the wagon. And Henry seemed relieved- didn't he? Like he was glad to finally be getting on with the next part of this adventure. And to you, Max's mom, who took our picture so many times, it was really something when Henry sat down next to you on the wagon and said "I'm having a rough time." I was impressed that he expressed himself that way. I'm a little freaked out that he would just open up like that to a stranger, but I had a good feeling about you, after seeing you interact with your kids and others while we were waiting in line, so maybe Henry got a good vibe from you too.

And the kicker, of course, was after we all loaded back onto the wagon with our pumpkins. Did you all hear Henry stand up and proclaim "this is the best field trip EVER!"?

So that's the contradiction of autism- my family's manifestation of it, at least. I had a generally pretty crappy time at the pumpkin patch. But it's likely that Henry will remember it as the best field trip ever. Hopefully Tommy will remember it as such also. And I guess that's what matters.

"it's like a party here"

I wanted to write about a few fun/good things that have happened this week. And because I can't figure out how to move these videos to a different spot, I guess I will tell my stories in reverse order.
Last night we went to a professional soccer game- our first. Bill had purchased this package through Easter Seals that included 4 tickets to a baseball game (our city's minor league team), 4 tickets to a soccer game, and some kind of tickets for Magic Mountain. We never used the baseball tickets, and I doubt we'll use the Magic Mountain tickets. But I'm so glad we used these soccer tickets! The night was a resounding success!!
Henry watched the entire game with excitement. He seemed to really follow what was happening, cheering and shouting at the right times. Well, he made a lot of noise the whole time, to be honest. That's what I was trying to capture in the above videos- the way he was hopping around and making sound effects for each kick and header. It so happens, though, that both times I started recording, someone fell down (our opponents were the NY Red Bulls), he turned to announce this to me, thought I was taking his picture, and posed. I still posted both videos- I think they're cute (but I'm a bit biased).
I was just floored that the game held his interest like that. You can see that he brought some books with him, and held on to them the whole time, but he never once looked at them. It's been a couple years since Kate played sports, so maybe he has just matured, but we would always need to entertain and/or feed him at her games. I can't be sure if it's something about soccer, or the stars were just aligned properly last night.
Of course Thomas enjoyed himself. He got to meet the mascot, got a free little soccer ball that they threw into the stands, and daddy took him all the way to the top of the stadium when he started getting antsy.
I probably had the least fun of all of us- only because I was freezing my behind off. As soon as the sun went down and the breeze picked up, I was cold. My teeth were chattering as we walked to the car! But no one else was cold. That tells you how much fun they were having! If I hadn't hustled us out of there, we probably could have stayed to get players' autographs and stuff. We'll have to go another time!
The other story I wanted to tell is from last Saturday (the day before the storm). I was having Henry work on his "all about me" poster for school, and of course Thomas wanted to create his own "all about me" poster. (Note to self- always prepare for 2.)
I put on a group of Paul Simon cCDs, set to shuffle, and we worked for awhile. Then Henry moved on to a puzzle, while Tommy continued working carefully on his poster.
At one point I came in to the room, heard The Obvious Child, and started dancing around a little. (I defy you to hear that song and NOT dance.)
Tommy looked around and said "it's like a party here right now."
He elaborated: "One kid drinking water, one big kid doing a puzzle, and a mom dancing. That's a party."
Then he added: "And my new friend is my brother."
A party indeed. Does it get any better?

how about some lists?

Sorry, but some days it's all I can muster...

bad:
-I was only able to take one day off last week to have "spring break" with the boys
good:
-They did fun stuff as usual with their babysitter, so I'm the only one who feels like I missed out. Bonus- today when Henry went back to school, Tommy said "oh, but now I have to go to L's by myself." He really likes having his brother with him.

bad:
-The day I did take off was rainy and cool, so we went to the science center rather than the zoo.
-Also, every other family in the state went to the science center that day.
good:
-The boys were amazingly patient when we had to wait in all those lines.
-We still got to go to the zoo, on Saturday.

bad:
-At the science center Henry was obsessing about something or another and tugging on my hand throughout the "Goosebumps" exhibit- the one Tommy was really interested in. I feel like we scooted out of there and Tommy got short-changed.
good:
-Tommy recited every word I had told him about the exhibit after we got home. He was really paying attention and really into it.
-We watched the 3D "extreme screen" movie and it was super cool.

bad:
-Pajama pants worn at the zoo don't block the cold breeze very well and may induce much whining and complaining in their 4-year-old wearer.
good:
-Binoculars can make you forget your cold legs.
-Tommy loved pretending he was a scientist, studying animals with his binoculars. L takes them to programs at the metroparks, so he has learned that "scat" is the scientists' word for "poop" and that it can be studied. Every 4-year-old boy should know this.

bad:
-Tommy fell asleep on the way home from the zoo (at 5:30) and didn't wake up until 5:30 the next morning.
-He was not awake to appreciate the face painting we got right before we left, and instead left much of the paint on his pillow and then my pillow.
good:
-Because he was asleep so early, it was easier for me to talk to my high school friend who called that night.

a couple rough Sunday outings

The Sunday before Halloween, we went to "Boo at the Zoo"- kids wear their costumes and get candy at treat stations. We did this last year and had a fun time. This year a new attraction was added: we bought tickets ahead of time to attend lunch with Spiderman!!

I gave it a bit of forethought, just enough to think "I'll have Bill with me, so if Henry doesn't like it, or gets restless, we can separate and each take a kid." This was not enough forethought.

First, we had to wait in line to get in to the event, then more waiting in line to get our lunch (a turkey sandwich and yogurt or madarin oranges- woo hoo!) Luckily, the boys and I left Bill in line out in the hallway and ducked inside the big meeting room just in time for Spiderman to appear. There were probably 150 people at this event, in a big echo-y room. The Spiderman theme music started, and he ran in and started working the room.

Henry was covering his ears, of course, but was smiling and watching. We were at the less-populated back of the room, but Spiderman made his way over to us and headed right for Henry! He said "How ya doin' buddy?" and held out his hand! I prompted, "Henry, can you shake Spiderman's hand?" and Henry managed to do so, letting go of one ear and pressing it to his shoulder, to free up his hand. "Nice to see ya, Henry" Spiderman said, and then tousled Tommy's hair and kept on moving.

Both boys beamed, ear-to-ear. He really talks! They both exclaimed. I was impressed that Spiderman had singled out the kid covering his ears, and picked up on Henry's name.

A photo with Spiderman was included as part of the ticket price. There was also face-painting available. Henry opted for a bat painted on his hand, which I thought was a good compromise. Spiderman also put on a show about safety.

For this show, he asked for volunteers from the audience- kids to act out scenes about crossing the street and not talking to strangers. I want to go up on stage Henry announced. Bill told him to raise his hand. So there Henry sat, covering his ears and raising his hand at the same time.

And felt so ashamed, but I sat there thinking please don't pick him please don't pick him. Isn't that awful? But I didn't think Henry would know what to do if he was chosen. Maybe he would go up there but then another kid would piss him off and he would pinch that kid, or push him, or scream...

And then Spiderman said "OK, how about this Batman over here?" He was talking about a different Batman, but Henry didn't realize, grinned and stood up. My heart cracked right in two at that moment.

Bill and I talked about it later and we had so many conflicting emotions. Bill pointed out that, a year ago or more, Henry wouldn't have been nearly engaged enough in what was happening to even notice that kids were going up to the stage, much less to want to go up too. He wouldn't have even put it together that Spiderman had chosen Batman to help, and he was dressed as Batman.
But, there were all my worries about could Henry handle it if he actually was chosen. I'm ashamed of that now, because none of the kids really got what they were supposed to do up there- it was actually pretty painful to watch. Henry probably would have done fine.

When the show was over, everyone lined up to get their picture taken with Spiderman. This was so ridiculous. Bill and Henry left to walk around the zoo and then Tommy and I did the same. I realized that I could get back in to the event in about half an hour and see how the line looked at that point. So that's what we did, and it worked out perfectly. This "Spiderman" was so great. He really took time to chat with each kid.

He told Tommy that The Thing is one of his friends, and he would tell The Thing that Tommy said "hi" the next time he saw him. (Of course, this led Tommy to believe that The Real Thing was there at the zoo somewhere, and could we find him?)

Henry had a really rough time for the rest of the zoo visit. I was really caught off-guard because we go to the zoo all the time, and it always goes pretty well. We can only figure that this time was too different: daddy was with us, the Spiderman thing was too exciting, we didn't rent a buggy for them to ride in like we usually do...

This being an autism detective is so hard. You have to re-trace your steps and try to figure out what was it that put Henry over the edge?

He just didn't really want to look at anything, or didn't want to stop looking at certain things. This is where I wonder if the buggy facilitates more than I realize. Maybe hopping in the buggy and looking at his zoo map is an important calm transition time between exhibits?
We did have a nice ride on the boats:
And these otters were one attraction that he loved.

But we eventually had to drag him away from them.

If you had been at the zoo that day, here's what you would have seen. Us dragging Henry/Batman behind us while he complained.

I just hate days like this. I feel bad for Henry that he is so dysregulated. Out of whack is the term I used that day. But I also feel bad for Tommy that his holiday outing is messed up too because Henry is out of whack.

The other rough Sunday outing happened this past weekend. Kate and I took the boys to the rec center pool at the University where I work. (Yes, I was quite pleasantly surprised that Kate wanted to come along!) This pool is sooooo fun for kids- we all had a great time.

But then it was time to leave.

And Henry didn't want to leave.

We haven't had a scene like this in quite awhile. So long, in fact, that I'm sure the last time it happened I was able to just carry Henry out of wherever we were. But we can't carry him anymore.

Poor Kate bore the brunt of it, as I was carrying most of our stuff and the little brother wanted to hold my hand. Henry pinched her and pinched her, and kept shouting all the scripted angry lines he could think of:

Are you crazy?

You ran out on me, and I took the blame!

You won't believe me anyway!
It's kind of humorous now, to think about a little 8-year-old shouting You ran out on me, and I took the blame! But it definitely wasn't humorous at the time. Definitely not for the big sister or the little brother. I do the best I can to thank Tommy for being a "good listener" and to explain that Henry has a hard time understanding things, even though he's older, and that that's why Henry gets extra grumpy sometimes. But it just stinks. For Henry too. I wish these transitions didn't have to be so so so so hard for him.

And I started thinking how long until he learns some really mean, foul things to say when he's angry? Then we'll be dragging him through an echoing rec center while he shouts obscenities. It's bound to happen.

As I was telling a friend about the weekend, and about how Henry slept in so late on Saturday, and about how he tripped going up the steps to the bus, she commented that maybe he is growing. I wonder if it could be as simple as that? I hope. I hope.

huh? you mean this thing can take videos?

So, like three years after everyone else started including videos on their blogs, I finally realized that it's as simple as pushing the "video" button on my digital camera, uploading the video along with my pictures, and posting it here. Can anyone say DUH?
I have really enjoyed seeing moving pictures of some of my little friends, and thought you might like to see Henry in action too.

The boys and I went to the zoo yesterday, arriving just in time to see the scuba diver in the coral reef tank. Henry looooves this, as you will see. Because of the location, the video is a little dark and there is a lot of background noise, but I hope you'll be able to get something out of it.

As I watch it, imagining myself as someone who doesn't know Henry, I notice all the autism stuff that we never notice anymore: the flapping and kicking, the humming, the hopping, and the repeating things over and over until I repeat them back to him.

We had a great day at the zoo. Tommy got his face painted again and Henry totally blew me away by saying that HE wanted to get his face painted too!! But by the time I ran 20 yards away to get out more cash and ran back, he had changed his mind. We will be going back in a couple weeks for "boo at the zoo", so he is toying with the idea of getting his face painted then.

thanks for nothing, global warming

Monday was Thomas' first-ever field trip! To the pumpkin patch! I was so excited to go along! It was hot as hell!

Seriously, it was like 80 degrees when we got there at 9:30 in the morning. I was sweating from my stupid green tea latte and besides the bees were swarming around it, so I just dumped it out.

We didn't linger long over the donut and apple juice they included with our admission because the bees were so bad. But the kids had a lot of fun in this cute "scarecrow cave" maze that was just their size:

The barn full of hay bales and slides was fun too (except that I lost my sunglasses).

What would my grandpa say if he knew you could charge people money to let their kids climb around on bales of hay??!! Brilliant!

Another first for us was using the port-o-potty. I don't think I've ever taken Henry in one of those, so this was my first time realizing that a little boy can use a different area of the facility, if you get my meaning. Thomas was very entertained by this also.

I guess it's a bad year for pumpkins, so instead of actually riding out into the field to pick a pumpkin, we were just funneled into this fenced area and picked a pumpkin from a pile. Then we climbed into the wagon with our pumpkins to bake in the sun as we rode through the fields to the parking lot. As you can see, Thomas was not nearly as irritated by the heat as I was:

The trip was actually very fun. I didn't became really bitter until the last leg. We left our pumpkin in the car and returned to do all the fun stuff one more time. That's when I lost my son.

He went into that cute little maze again and I swear I was standing there watching for him the whole time. Other kids came and went and then I realized that I hadn't seen or heard from Thomas in a little while. I started calling his name louder and louder and the teachers asked what color shirt he was wearing... after maybe five minutes, one of the other moms said "there he is", and sure enough, here came Tommy, casually sauntering across the lawn.

(I didn't even notice until we were leaving that there was a pond on this property too. Thank God I didn't know that at the time I couldn't find him!)

If you'll look back at my Easter post, you'll see that the weather was unseasonable for that seasonal outing also, so I guess we're par for the course this year.
_________________

Today was the darkest of days for my youngest son, for it was the first day he was required to wear... wait for it... are you sitting down?... long pants. Noooooooo!

I'm being a smartass, but really, he is completely traumatized by this. That's why last year I let him wear shorts almost every day of the winter. We would wear pants for the trip to L's house and bring shorts along to change. But this year he has preschool and I can't have him changing his clothes back and forth all day long. He needs to learn that there are rules of propriety in our society.

But wow, I really feel terrible enforcing these rules sometimes! He threw a major tantrum this morning.

Side note: I was really proud of Henry at this point. He got up from the table where he was eating his breakfast and said "I want to go upstairs for a little while." I objected "But the bus will be here soon." Henry explained "I want to get away from Tommy." I told him that was a terrific way of handling a situation- rather than shoving/pinching/screaming at Tommy. Moving away from something that bothers you is a great solution. So we sat out front and waited for the school bus. But I could still hear the little brother crying and crying inside the house.
During the course of his crying fit, Tommy also told me that he doesn't want to go to school, doesn't like school, and is shy there. He tells me this all the time: that he is shy at school. Most people (the teachers, L, Bill) kind of roll their eyes at this (because this boy is definitely NOT shy. Not with adults anyway). But Tommy says it often enough that it worries me a bit. Today I tried to suggest to him that he could play with some other kids in his class, and he replied "no- I'm too shy! When the other kids talk to me I'm too shy because I don't know them!"

I can't be sure whether he was over-dramatizing this because he was already upset about the pants. But I'd appreciate tips from any of you who've been through this with a shy kid. Or a kid who hates to wear certain articles of clothing.

the weekend of (mostly) thwarted expectations

The weekend started off well. Thomas mixed up a healthy batch of "dirt soup" Friday night.

Kate was in for the evening, due to an infraction the previous weekend, and we had a pretty good chat. This semester she is helping in a first-grade class every afternoon, and Friday night she told me all about the kids and the things she's been doing with them and how some of them like to hug her and hang on her... I guess there is a boy in the class who is tube-fed and wears a backpack that carries his bag of food (Kate couldn't remember what the name of his condition is), and another boy with Tourrettes. This is the same teacher that Henry was mainstreamed with last year, so I asked if Mrs. C gets all the special needs kids. But Kate said no-there are some in other classes. I get so caught up in my own little "special needs" world that I am surprised to hear there are so many others in the same school district!

Saturday was the big day for Henry and Daddy. You might remember that back in the spring we tried to go to our college football team's open scrimmage... and it was a disaster. Every other idiot (ooops, I mean fan) in town was trying to take their kids to the stadium for $5, and we couldn't find a seat. That day we decided to get tickets to a game this fall so that Henry could go and have a better experience.

Once you understand what happened in the spring, you'll see why Saturday went the way it did: kickoff was at noon. Bill and Henry got there around 11, allowing enough time to walk around and check out the crowd. But Henry was single-minded. He had a ticket this time and he had a seat, and by God he was going to sit in that seat and not move from it:

Here he is talking to me on the phone, sitting in the stadium an hour before kickoff.

I think all the pre-game stuff went ok, and the pre-game band show was the main thing Henry wanted to see anyway. Then it started to rain. And wet clothes are a sensation that Henry is very adverse to. So once they got rained on and he wanted to take off his clothes, it was time to call it a day. Our team hadn't even scored yet (they went on to win, 20-2.)

Bill knew, going to this experiment, that it might not last long. And he has learned from years of experience with Henry how to handle occasions like this. So although he was disappointed to leave without Henry experiencing a touchdown, he wisely just went with the tide. Henry will remember it as a really special and exciting experience, and Bill was able to finish watching the game at a bar down the street, so all's well that ends well.

Tommy had been asking to go to the zoo, and I was looking forward to going on Saturday, just me and him- something special while daddy and Henry were doing something special. Thomas wanted to sleep a little extra Saturday (clue #1), then when he got up, he said "I have a yucky cough like M------". A boy at L's house had developed a barking cough last week, and Tommy had indeed caught it from him.

He still wanted to go to the zoo, so we did. Now usually Henry is our tour guide and drill sergeant: dictating which animals we will see, and how long we will look at them. Either because he was sick, or because he is used to his big brother being the boss, Tommy had no real direction to offer at the zoo. He didn't seem to care what we looked at. He did get to sit on all the photo-op animal statues that we usually blow past, and walk on a lot of low walls. But the reptiles and the coral reef were the only sights that he really requested.

When we returned home from the zoo and gathered on the couch to catch up with Kate and Henry, Thomas rolled his face over between 2 cushions and vomited. His fever went up to 102+ and his cough and sore throat worsened.

So the rest of the weekend was spent worrying and comforting and taking his temperature and trying different medications. We're seeing the doctor this afternoon, but of course his fever seems to be gone today. His voice, though, is totally shot! He can only whisper. It's very odd to have my usual chatterbox be so silent.

His first day of preschool is Friday, so hopefully he'll be back to normal by then. Tune in next weekend for a full report.

fun at the fair and new behaviors

Friday was our annual trip to the state fair. Me, the boys, my mom and dad, and this time one of my brothers was able to come along also.

We had a great time, as usual, and each year is a little bit different. The first couple years it was just me and Henry, and we walked back and forth, back and forth between the animal barns. (Because whatever animal we were looking at Henry wanted to see a different one. Until we got there, and then he wanted to go back to the other.)

But each year we have added a guest to our little party (Tommy, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Christian), and each year we seem to stay a little longer and see one new thing. This year, the new thing was this:

We rode the "sky glide." This was fun and the boys enjoyed it, but I was pretty freaked out that there was nothing strapping us in to this thing. There was one of those bars that comes down over your head, but any child or even a small adult could slide right under that bar and go crashing to the ground below. Dad and Henry were in the car behind us. I turned around once to take their picture and then worried that dad wasn't holding on to Henry. I guess dad had the same thought, because when I turned around again, he was. Phew.

We also saw some piglets, bought some cheap plastic swords and had sword fights, and watched a lot of the horse competitions. With his new interest in horses, I think Henry would have sat in that arena all day long, watching them and listening to the goofy organ music accompaniment.

I will have to post again in a couple days after I get some photos from mom and dad. Most of the ones I took yesterday were from the sky glide.

_________

Henry has been showing some signs of anxiety lately:

-He's been chewing on his shirt a lot. This is something he's never done before, although he did go through a phase around age 3 where he would chew/suck on his comforter- yuck. When this started, I thought maybe he had a loose tooth or something else strange going on in his mouth. That may have been at the beginning, but now I think it is just an oral habit that will be hard to break.

-He has been asking to sleep in our bed. This is not something Henry has EVER done before. He and Tommy share a room, and when Tommy was a baby and would cry at bedtime, I would sometimes put Henry down in my bed and then move him later. But now he is asking to sleep in our bed every night, and sometimes coming in in the middle of the night (again, NEVER done previously). I have tried asking him why, and he says "I don't like my bed." Tommy has been arguing about wearing his pullup at night, so maybe Henry wants to avoid that conflict...

-Henry has been requesting to watch DVDs (not unusual at all!) But he only watches the previews and the first 15 minutes or so, and then asks to put in a different movie (after the rest of us are interested in this first one!)

We are stumped by these new behaviors, except to wonder if he is feeling excited/anxious about school starting again. His teacher and school will be the same, and we have talked quite a bit about school and he doesn't seem apprehensive at all...

Any thoughts about any of these?

2007 vacation wrap-up (no HP spoilers)

We're back from our terrific vacation. (See if you can guess which boy I am standing with- the t-shirt is a dead giveaway, as is the squirt gun.)

I was so thrilled to walk into the waves with Henry that first afternoon and see the smile spread across his face. Like so many of his internet counterparts, Henry loved the ocean. I had hoped he would.

Even more than the waves crashing into him, he seemed to love the feel of the undertow pulling him. Once we were waist-deep and the first good wave hit him, he just let go of my hand and started walking out toward the horizon! Of course, I tried to drum into his head the danger of being in the water without a grownup, and if it had been up to me alone, he would never have let go of anyone's hand.

The ocean was really rough the second day- the waves were strong and high, and a painful layer of broken shells had been deposited right where the waves were breaking. Both boys and I ended up getting scared or hurt by the waves that day. (I got the worst of it- knocked down by a wave and dragged across those sharp shells- I came out of the water bleeding!)

So the scary second day put a bit of a damper on things, but Henry and I went down to tell the ocean goodnight, and to ask it to be more calm the next day, and it was.

Although Henry liked being in the ocean, he had no interest in sitting on the beach. As soon as he came out of the water, he wanted to get back in the house and take off his clingy wet trunks. I guess it's not surprising, since he doesn't ever like being outdoors any other time, but it was a bit disappointing to have him sitting inside while his cousins dug in the sand for hours.

I don't feel that I packed well enough for him- I brought lots of books, but not enough, and I didn't think to bring his binder full of Disney papers- he was really lost without that. I don't know why I didn't realize how important it would be, why I thought he would just find other ways to entertain himself? So he spent a lot of time asking me to "find" a computer (so he could print out more pages).

Mid-week I took the boys on a little adventure. I had read that there was an aquarium nearby, so we went to find it. It turned out that you had to take a ferry boat to get to the aquarium. The boys loved that!

Here is Henry looking at an alligator. They were his favorite part of the aquarium, and he really barely looked at anything else.

Here are the boys on the ferry boat:

Here's Thomas playing in the sand. He enjoyed the sand more than the water. The ocean scared him a bit, I think, and the salt water hurt his eyes.

I hope you can see what Henry's doing here: he's riding on a boogie board!

Because we left at 3 am Saturday morning (July 21), my sister-in-law picked up my copy of Harry Potter #7 for me. She had read the whole thing by the time they arrived on Sunday! I loved having it to read on vacation, but didn't finish until the ride home, so I wasn't able to discuss the book with her or my brother-in-law, who finished it while at the beach.

I know that at least one of my internet friends has not read it yet, so I will refrain from discussing here just yet. Knowing what I know now, I want to re-read the entire series. I cried at least 3 or 4 times during #7- what could be better than a perfectly crafted story about good vs. evil, magic, and the power of love?

what I did on my summer vacation

No- my vacation isn't over. The real vacation hasn't even started yet. But I am enjoying my vacation-before-the-vacation very much. (Tommy's sitter is on her vacation this week, so I had to take this week off too.) Funny how I find it much harder to keep up with reading and writing my blogs when I'm not in front of my computer at work for 8 uninterrupted hours a day. Hmmm. (Don't tell my boss.)

I took quite a few pictures of stuff that caught my eye over the weekend- I was feeling really warm and fuzzy. I guess that's a given when your time off from work starts. But I had another reason too: one of my very best friends confided in me last week that she is having some pretty serious troubles at home. Thursday night I had trouble sleeping- thinking about it all. But aside from the worry, another effect this news had on me was to make me look around at my life with fresh eyes and appreciate it just a little more. You know how that is? It feels a little wrong to let someone else's unhappiness cause me to revel in my own, but that's what happens sometimes.

Friday night I was invited to a friend's house for one of those "parties" where someone's trying to sell you something. This time it was makeup/beauty products. Even though I didn't know most of the women there very well, I had a nice time and was glad I went. Then Saturday I went to lunch and a movie (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) with another friend! Now, I only have about 4 real-life friends, and I got to do something with 2 of them last weekend- no wonder I was feeling so good! And Bill hung out with the boys all that time with no problems.

The HP movies are always inferior to the books as far as the storyline goes, but I really enjoyed this one for the mood that it set- very well-done, I thought. I have been skimming #s 5 & 6 in preparation for the 7th. I have also been reading 2 other new autism books: Susan Senator's Making Peace with Autism, and Autistic Planet by Jennifer Elder.

Autistic Planet is such a cute, rhyming children's book: an autistic child explains what life is like on her "planet". It's a great book to read to your autistic child, or your typical child who has an autistic kid in their class... The only thing I am struggling with a little is that I haven't had "the autism talk" with Henry. And I wonder if there needs to be a "talk", or if I read him a book like this and say "you know, you're autistic", if that would blow his mind. Obviously he knows he's in a different class at school, and I'm sure he's heard the word autism batted around, but I wonder what he thinks of it? I'd love to know what any of you have said (or not said) to your children...

Susan Senator's book isn't new- just new to me. I usually have a problem getting through "autism books". I haven't been able to put a finger on why that is? But I don't have the same feeling about Susan's book, and I think it may be because I "know" her a little better from reading her blog, so I have a feeling about how it will end. Maybe other books worry me because I don't know if the author will end up hating autism, or curing autism, or deciding it was all caused by pesticides in their water... It certainly can't be that I'm afraid I'll find out some new bad information about life with autism. I'm living it every day and there's nothing that should surprise me anymore!

We have still been taking Henry to Easter Seals' summer camp this week. I feel a twinge of guilt dropping him off there every morning and then returning home with his little brother, but I truly believe that the structure and continuation of school routine are necessary for him. If he were at home he would want to watch movies or play on the computer all day, and to be brutally honest, I am not tough enough myself to force him to have craft time or challenge him in other ways. I would end up saying "awww, it's his summer vacation too. I'll just let him do what he wants."

Monday we picked him up from camp and visited his favorite library. Then we stopped at the pool in that neighborhood for a quick dip. Henry obliged by getting in the pool for a bit, but then retreated to a towel to look at his new library books.

Yesterday we picked him up a couple hours early and went to a "golf and games" place- they have miniature golf, a game arcade, and a big "funzone" with climbing tubes and ball pits and stuff. I had planned for us to spend our time in the funzone area, but we actually played a lot of arcade games and it was so much fun! Both boys were surprisingly good at air hockey! Henry really enjoyed skee-ball (I assisted him, hand-over-hand). I would never have considered a video arcade to be a worthwhile outing, but Henry actually used a lot of fine and gross motor skills there, so we may have to do this more often.

Here are some of the pictures I took over the weekend:


This is the plant Henry gave me for Mother's Day. It has been blooming so beautifully. On the other windowsill:

Some lovely squash from the garden of one of Bill's co-workers.

We took the inflatable jumpy out to the front yard this weekend to wear Thomas out. I don't know how well you can see it, but I took this picture because I was noticing the birthmark (angel kiss or whatever it's called) on his forehead. Very visible when he was first born, now I only notice it when he is exerting himself.

I bought myself some gladiolus (spell?) at the grocery store. Happy vacation to me!

Thomas brought this poster home from Grandma and Grandpa's house- it belonged to one of my brothers. Thank goodness we are such packrats in my family!

Although I did let Henry watch a lot of movies over the weekend, I also got him to play a few games with me ("first a game, then a movie"). Here, he had won at animal bingo (he was playing with 2 cards- the jaguar and the lion. Guess he couldn't decide on just one big cat.)

I have been tagged by a couple friends for the "8 things" meme. I am composing it in my head and hope to post before we leave on the beach vacation. Until then, you can click here to read the old "10 things" that went around way back when.

mother's day 2007

I have a card and a present from Henry still to open today, but these two items were just sent home in his bookbag. I was so excited to find them. I think if you click on the picture you can see a larger version. They are both laminated, so there is a bit of a glare from the flash.

I think it goes without saying that I cried when I read this:

This means so much to me because these are all real things that we like to do together. I can imagine the teacher asking "what do you like to do with your mom?" and Henry replying "nothing" in his little singsong voice. (Not because it's true, but because, if you've read here before, that's how Henry responds to almost any request that is related to schoolwork!)

So they somehow elicited from him 10 real examples of things he likes about me. This is priceless! (You've probably heard about many of these activities before, except maybe the macaroni and cheese thing. I've kept my prowess at Kraft mac & cheese to myself until now.)

Reading to him in the morning and sitting on the patio are both things we do on school days if there is enough time. So that's what makes them special.
And I asked if the picture at the bottom was me- he said "no"- but I'm thinking it probably is. Bill thinks so too- he could tell by the lightning bolt hair.
It's been a draining week. We had Kate's birthday, teacher appreciation week (Henry baked brownies), mother's day (needed to buy cards and mail them on time), the trip to the zoo (I didn't go, and it was fine. Except for all the time I wasted agonizing about it), a special event at work on Friday...

I've been having a lot of what we call "internal dialogues"- where I think something to death until my head spins. Ironic thing to post about on Mother's Day, eh? How being a mother is making me insane! :-)
We have some fun planned for today- hope everyone else does too. Thanks for being such great moms and helping me be the best mom I can! XXOO

Our weekend had some ups and downs. Sometimes lately, I get cocky and think "Henry used to have all those behaviors, but he's doing so much better now- he's making great strides." And he is- he is. But then the day comes that we do something unusual, like picking up an uncle at the airport, and Henry reverts back to his house-on-fire voice and his insistent and overpowering manner, and I think that maybe we haven't come so far after all.

My brother-in-law was in town briefly yesterday. We headed out to the airport to meet him and wandered around. The confusion was my fault- instead of just saying we would drive by the passenger loading/unloading area, I said that we would park and all come in to the airport. I consistently make this mistake. I always think "boys like airports- this will be fun." And I always forget that it's confusing and crowded and both boys like to ride escalators*, and you can't even see any airplanes anyway, now that unticketed folks are not allowed beyond the security check.

(*I have a weird little escalator phobia- I have recurring dreams where I need to get on an escalator going down, but it's going really, really, really fast and it's hard to step on and hard to hold on... I obviously have done a good job of hiding this fear, because my kids love to ride the escalator!)

Henry kept shouting that he wanted to ride the escalator: repeating it non-stop in the house-on-fire voice. We rode it a couple of times, and then the boys and I just gave up and went back to wait by the car.

Once Bill found Uncle J., we all headed for breakfast at Bob Evans. As soon as he walked in the door, Henry spotted a Strawberry Supreme Pie in the display case. He pressed his face and sweaty hand to the glass and shouted "I want this pie! I want this pie! I want this pie!"

Why so much shouting? And why so much anxiety? You know, now that I think about it, I did not prep him ahead of time on the plan. Maybe if I had told him a few days ahead of time, this would not have all been so exciting and overwhelming. Duh. I know this stuff, but then I forget it. Or I think it's not necessary for a little Sunday morning trip to the airport.

On Saturday, Henry and I went to the library. There was a girl there, a few years older than Henry, who was reading aloud to her mom. She seemed to really struggle- one of those kids who reads
so
slowly
that
it's
hard
to
follow
what
she's
saying. Her mom was being kind of short with her, and correcting her in a gruff way, even when her mistake was something as simple as saying "of" instead of "off". I felt sorry for this girl, to be spending her Saturday afternoon in such an unpleasant way, and to be struggling so much with her reading. I hoped that she would grow to enjoy reading in spite of that.

At the same time, Henry was quietly reading aloud from the front cover of the Star Wars book on tape. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... Luke Skywalker had returned home to Tatooine..."

Yes, most of that was memorization, but it still gave me a lift. What a blessing- Henry has his share of difficulties, but I'm so glad that reading isn't one of them!

the force was with us

I took a vacation day today to visit COSI with my kids and my parents. I'm pretty pooped.

There are lots of fun things to see at Cosi. But this time we went especially to see the Star Wars exhibit. For those of you with kids on the spectrum, the story of my day will be familiar: I had some fun times and made special memories with my family. But the fun did not always come easily...

First, we arrived and needed to wait for Grandma to stand in line for the tickets. There's a large area in which to wait, and a few things to look at. I asked the kids to stand in front of one of the big Star Wars ads, to take their picture. Here's what happened:

Thomas posed like a champ.

Henry got anxious and frustrated because we were not seeing the Star Wars exhibit right now, and of course he wouldn't be willing to stand still for a stupid picture. I was glad Kate came with us, especially because she is so good at talking to Henry and calming him down:


Stupid mom idea #2 was, "ok, let's look in the gift shop while we wait." (Translated as: "I'll spend some money before we even get inside the place.") As I paid for Henry's Space sticker book, and Tommy's knight action figure, Henry asked the sales girl "where are the Star Wars puzzles?" She replied "oh, they have some upstairs at the exhibit." Well, duh- of course there was another gift shop upstairs, featuring all things Star Wars.
We went up to the 2nd floor, where the special exhibit was. But right outside the elevator was "kidspace"- the hands-on area just for young children, up to kindergarten age. All of a sudden, Henry didn't want to go to the Star Wars exhibit! He wanted to go into kidspace!
It's so painful to watch him struggle- it's like he has no way of controlling his impulses when confronted with so many fun things- afterwards he remembers it as having fun, but at the time, it seems like he is tormented by all the fun things he wants to do, but can't do them all at the same time, and no matter which one he chooses, then he wishes he were doing the other...
Again, Kate helped calm him down, and we made our way to the Star Wars wing of the building. We passed the gift shop area first, and he made a beeline for it. I believe that one smart move I made was going ahead and stopping there first. I felt that if we didn't, he would just rush through the exhibit itself, wanting to get to the end.
They did, indeed, have lots of puzzles! Henry picked one, and then asked that salesgirl about sticker books, and she showed them to us! This amused me so much because Henry looks for puzzles and sticker books everywhere we go, and we can't usually find them. This place was like the answer to all his prayers. It would be like if he showed up at your house and said "where are your Disney movies and puzzles?" and you replied, well, my living room is full of them, Henry. Have at it. And here are some sprinkle donuts to eat."
Here is Henry with his sticker book and puzzle, standing in front of the book display. (As a grownup first generation Star Wars fan, I have to say that the gift shop and exhibit itself were pretty awesome.)
Here's my little jedi fighting a stormtrooper:

And the biggest bad guy of them all, Darth Vader:

After Star Wars, we went to kidspace. Both boys had a lot of fun there. It's a confined area where the kids can run around and play with water, sound, light, dress-up, build with blocks, etc. Henry did great there, and then worked on his new puzzle while Tommy played a little more.
There was also a display outside of construction trucks that the kids were able to climb up on:


Whatever area we were in, Henry didn't want to leave. Wherever we were headed, he didn't want to go. Until we got there, and then he didn't want to leave...
We've watched Star Wars: A New Hope twice since we've been home, and Henry's done his puzzle at least 6 times. Tommy didn't take a nap, so went to bed early. It was a good day.

the weekend

Saturday I visited my oldest friend. She lives 2 1/2 hours away, and it's been 2 years since I've seen her! She has an 8-year-old son (E) and a daughter (L) who was celebrating her 4th birthday. I faithfully attended her son's first few birthday parties, but last year got away from me somehow. I decided to just go for the day and just bring one of my kids- traveling light.

I brought Thomas, since he is the "easier" child to take to a birthday party. He's not as likely to be caught with his fingers in the birthday cake, or opening the birthday gifts, which has happened with Henry more than once.

I have decided, though, that next year I will go to E's party, and I will bring the whole family. People seemed disappointed that Henry wasn't there. And a couple times when I made comments about Tommy, like "he is a good eater. He'll try all different kinds of things" my friend would jump in and say "well Henry was always a really good eater too." I am probably being paranoid, but I got the feeling that she felt she had to defend Henry, or thought I was favoring Thomas.

Here's the picture that will get me nominated for mother of the year:

He's bouncing on his Spiderman beach ball party favor, with a sucker in his mouth that came from the pinata. (What a fun party!) But I probably should have told him to stop doing that unsafe thing, rather than thinking "he looks like such a KID!" and taking his picture.

Here's another shot where he looks like such a KID. We were trying to get a picture of me, my friend, and the kids (easier said than done). Besides the flash reflection right above my head, what is my son doing with his hands?!





















(You can see how tan his little legs are getting. He seems fortunate enough to have his daddy's coloring.)

I had a brainstorm this weekend and thought of a good way to store all of Henry's "Disney papers." (Up until now he carried them around and would spread them out on the floor. Then I would pick them up and hide them somewhere until he asked for them again. Some of them have been clutched so long by his sweaty little hands that they are frayed and worn.) I slipped the papers into those clear plastic sheets and put them in a 3-ring binder. Now he can carry them around, look at them easily, they won't get damaged, won't make a mess, and won't look so odd.

mother's day

I've been thinking a lot lately about this business of being a mom. It started 2 weeks ago when Henry was so sick. I realized that it's a mother's job to interpret what the pediatrician is telling her- when to believe it and when to push for something else- when to say "ok, but..." when being advised to wait another 24 or 48 hours. I'm not very good at that. I want to be able to trust my pediatrician blindly. But I've learned, in 6 1/2 years of being Henry's mother, that the doctors don't always know a whole lot more than you do once you've read the American Academy of Pediatrics book. Sometimes you have to dramatize the illness to get attention. And I don't usually go for the drama in my life.

Then at the Emergency Room I had a few hours to think about all the things we do as moms. All the tasks you don't realize that you're signing up for when you say "hey, let's have a baby." Things like catching barf in your shirt because that's easier to clean up than the carpet. Things like holding your child down so doctors can examine him. Things like forcing your 6-year-old to drink out of a sippy cup like it's a bottle because he's so sick.

At a gathering at our house last weekend, a friend said to me "why doesn't anyone tell you how much motherhood sucks?" I kind of laughed her comment off, saying "oh yeah, if anyone told us how hard it was, no one would ever have children!" But, without going into this woman's personal situation, I believe that she really meant what she said: she thinks motherhood sucks. (Forget for a moment that I hate that word.) It really upsets me to know that anyone would feel this way. God knows that I am far from being an exemplary mother (I just put my boys to bed without a bedtime story or brushing their teeth so that I could get back on the computer) but I love being a mother. Every single minute of it. Even on my worst day or my kids' worst days I would never say that motherhood stinks (that is a word that I prefer to sucks.) Even a day spent in the Emergency Room is a day spent doing the most important job there is: helping a small person grow into the best big person he can be.

I can also say, after the past 2 weeks, that I tip my hat to all stay-at-home moms. It was never in the cards for us, financially, for either Bill or I to stay home. But after this week, I wonder if I could even handle it? I feel like I started 10 different projects (I have a lot of energy in the mornings) but didn't finish any. The TV was on all day long, and I ate like a pig (we had a lot of leftovers from Kate's birthday/confirmation bash last weekend.) The situation was a little unusual because Henry was sick and needed to rest- I suppose I would have done more active stuff outside if that hadn't been the case. But I commend all you moms who are with your kids all day long and manage to get so much done.

Today was a good day. We visited my parents in Dayton (about an hour and a half away). My brother was there visiting from Washington, DC. My mom, brother and I went to the Princess Diana exhibit at the Dayton Art Institute. I have been a Diana-phile since the royal wedding in 1981. I was 11 then and highly susceptible to the whole fairy tale thing. I got up at 4 am or something to watch the wedding and then went on to collect coffee table books about Diana and her kids. The year she died (1997) was the same year I got married, and I again got up at 4 am to watch her funeral. I sat on the couch under a blanket and sobbed. I know that's unbelievably corny. But I just couldn't bear the sad reality of her life, compared to the fairy tale that we all thought we were watching back in 1981. At the same time, I realized how wonderful my every-day normal person life was, compared to her life of palaces and designer clothes.

So I made mom and Christian go to this exhibit today and it was kind of a disappointment. We realized afterwards that the exhibit was put on by her family (the Spencers). So they were only able to show items from her childhood and then from her death (like hundreds of condolence books that were signed by people all over the world). The highlight for me was her wedding gown. But you walked out of that exhibit room and directly into one about her funeral. Nothing about her life in between. I guess that stuff is all owned by the royal family. There were very few photos of her sons. And my brother pointed out the irony of visiting a show about Diana on Mother's Day: her kids don't have their mother anymore.

Well, it's time to do another mommy job: wash Thomas' sheets. He is sleeping in our bed right now, because last night I found him asleep with his pjs unzipped, his diaper undone, and his bed full of pee. Why?

is there something that you want to say?

We went to the zoo again this weekend. I requested a membership for Christmas, and we've gone 3 times since then (just me and the boys each time so far). I find it a really good activity for the three of us when the weather is decent and I want to do something outside. Tommy would be happy with going to a playground on a nice day, but that is more of a struggle with Henry. I end up feeling like I'm forcing him to climb on the equipment, or run around, when he'd really rather go back home and look at a book.

My sister-in-law gave me a helpful idea: she rents a wagon at the zoo for her daughter (who's 5). I hadn't considered doing that with Henry- he's old enough to walk, I figured. But the zoo's a big place, after all, and why not let him take a load off while we're walking from one end to another? They have these double "buggies" that both boys can ride in, and can easily hop in and out to look at things. I love that also because it forces them to sit so close to each other. And when Henry's looking at the zoo map Tommy can look at it too, etc.

The weather was chilly on Sunday, but sunny. Several animals that are sometimes hard to see (wolves and lions) were laying right out in the open, sleeping in the sun. The petting zoo was Henry's favorite this time. We have a huge saltwater tank exhibit, and Henry loved watching the scuba divers who were feeding the fish and cleaning the tank. (I got some super-cute pictures, but am still using the old non-digital camera. So you'll have to wait awhile to see them.)

We even stopped at the gift shop, which I feared might be a huge mistake. But I was pleasantly surprised that they have many books, stuffed animals, and other toys for under $10 or even $5. Henry picked out three magazines, about sea otters, cheetahs, and elephants. After considering MANY items, Tommy only ended up requesting a sucker.

Something interesting happened at the end of the visit: Henry had lost his zoo map, and I said that I would ask for another at the front gate. I walked ahead of the boys to the gate, and looked over my shoulder just in time to see Henry come running up and push his brother. I turned right around and said "Henry! I saw you push your brother. That is not ok. We are leaving and we're not getting another zoo map." I explained to him that when he does something mean, there is a consequence. And this consequence would be that he couldn't have the zoo map.

He wasn't happy. But the whole thing went better than I would have expected. 90% better than it might have when he was 4 or 5. We continued to walk out to the car. (Can you imagine if I would have had to carry him?! Kicking and screaming?! And what about Tommy?) But Henry walked along with me. When I put him in the car he tried some more of his classic arguments: "That consequence is gone mommy!" "Mommy, I already had a consequence!"

Tommy fell asleep during the ride home. When we pulled in the driveway, Henry quietly said "mommy..."

"Yes?" I said

"Is there something that you want to say?" (This is a little script he picked up in preschool or something- he wants me to repeat it.)

So I posed the question back to him: "Is there something that you want to say?"

Henry turned to Tommy (asleep) and said "I'm sorry Tommy."

This was big. I hadn't mentioned apologizing at all. Henry thought about what happened all the way home in the car and decided he needed to apologize. And I don't believe he did it thinking that then he could get the zoo map or anything like that. He just seemed to know that when you do something mean to someone, you apologize. Wow.