brothers

When I started this blog years ago, one of the (many) things I hoped to sort out and document was the relationship between my sons.

What would it be like for Thomas to grow up with a brother who is different? Would Henry give a darn about his brother, when he didn't seem to care much for other children? Would we as parents be able to give both our sons everything they needed, when those needs might be quite different?

It's been very gratifying to watch these young men grow- they are now 11 and 6. While they aren't constant playmates, they are good brothers to one another. They are companions who watch movies together, wrestle and swordfight. They ask one another's opinion about what to watch, and share books and toys readily.

I feel that Tommy's more typical interests have had some influence on Henry; this fall when Miracle League baseball was over Henry surprised me by asking "what sport will I play next?" We were excited to find a special needs soccer league, "I can play soccer just like my brother," Henry exclaimed proudly.

And some of Henry's interests have rubbed off on his little brother. Tommy has become pretty adept at memorizing movie lines. Sometimes we will catch him reciting Spongebob scenes to himself while legoing. But mostly he recites the lines back and forth with Henry, having latched on to one of the best ways to interact with his big brother. He tires of it at times, however, while Henry never does.

There have been a couple incidents lately, that while I know are completely to be expected, still hurt my heart a little...

To watch a movie with Henry is quite an experience. Most movies he has seen countless times and knows all the lines by heart. During favorite parts he will hum and hop and flap his hands, right in front of the screen. And he will recite the lines with gusto, right along with the characters.

To those of us in his family, these habits are almost unnoticable. We'll ask him to sit down or move back from the tv, and sometimes ask him to quiet down so we can hear.

A couple weeks ago we were invited to a Halloween party with some other families of kids in Tommy's class. Henry mostly stayed to himself, watching a Disney movie (of course). But later in the evening all the kids were gathered in a playroom to watch movies together. The first was How to Train Your Dragon. I was relieved because Henry hasn't seen that one enough times to know it all by heart. When that movie was over, however, the hostess kindly let Henry choose the next dvd. He chose one of his favorites, A Bug's Life. Before long, Tommy came downstairs to find me and tell me that Henry was saying all the lines really loudly, wanting Tommy to say them too, and he was embarrassed. Ouch.

I told him that I totally understood. It was getting late, so it just seemed like a good time to leave. Everyone was fine with it, all of us had a good time at the party. But I have this nagging worry about how many other times something like this is going to happen.

Henry's bus stop was changed this year, and is now right in front of Tommy's school. This has made our morning routine really convenient- we put Henry on the bus and then just hang out for about 10 minutes until the bell rings for Tommy.

This morning started out great: the boys were saying a few lines back and forth, Tommy realized he had a Darth Vader knit hat in his coat pocket and asked Henry if he wanted to wear it. Henry said "yes" and Tommy proceeded to put it on his head. I said "that was nice of you Tommy" and Henry said "thanks Tommy." This is how things go with them really often: polite and considerate.

But today the bus was late. So we stood there and stood there. Eventually Tommy asked Henry to be more quiet. Eventually he said he didn't want to say lines anymore. Henry overreacted (as he does), got tears in his eyes, and started shouting "YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS HURTING MY FEELINGS" and other things to that effect.

I can't sort out everything going on here. Was Henry getting anxious because the bus hadn't come yet? Probably. Was Tommy getting embarrassed because more and more cool older kids were walking past us on their way to school, and potentially noticing his odd older brother? I don't know if he was or my worried mind was just projecting that.

But it got kind of dicey. Everybody unhappy. That's life, I know. But I wish I could know for sure that those days will continue to be few and far between. I wish I knew just the right things to tell my kids so that they would always be tolerant of one another and proud of their differences.