riding lessons

Several people have asked for more information about our horseback riding. We had our first real lesson last night. But first, let me tell you how we got here.

I know nothing about horses. I think I rode one once, at camp in 6th grade. But my dad grew up on a dairy farm, and I have a sentimental spot for farm life and farm animals. Henry shares that interest- either he was born with it or I created it in him- and we enjoy going to the state fair together and visiting that dairy farm that we last went to on Mother's Day.
Last year at the fair, Henry showed a lot of interest in the horses. I had read about some other kids taking therapeutic riding lessons and thought "well, I'll look into that." I don't know about the rest of you, but lots of times "looking into" something is easier said than done. Grandma and Grandpa had offered to pay for Henry's lessons as a birthday gift last August, and we are just now starting them!

Kate has a friend who rides horses, and we know a woman at church who rides also. I asked both of them if they knew of anyone who did therapeutic riding, and waited and waited for their answers. I searched online and found quite a few promising stables, but they were all an hour or more away from us, and I was sure there must be something closer.

Finally, 6 months later, Kate's friend came through with the name of a woman who boards horses at her same stable. I called Pam, and grew so excited as I talked with her. She is a psychologist who works at the state Department of Mental Health as well as being a Certified Riding Instructor and "Certified Equine-Assisted Psychotherapist" and 4-H adviser.

I'm sure that the cost would vary, according to where you live, but Pam charges $30/1-hour private lesson, $20/half-hour private lesson. And she is letting us pay-as-we-go, rather than making us commit to 10 lessons up-front or something. (Although if things continue to go this well, I think we'll be doing this year-round, along with the swimming lessons.)

Last night she had Henry help her get T out of his stall and groom him, all the while telling Henry the names of all the equipment she was using.

Then they walked T outside, and she asked Henry to pull the gate shut. (Dumb mommy lesson #1- Henry should wear jeans and sneakers next time. Not shorts and CROCS.)

Note Henry's posture in the below photo. This is one of the things they will work on. Pam reminded him several times to sit up straight, and it was almost as if he wasn't sure what that meant. He will gain strength and muscle tone, just by riding and holding the reins with proper posture.

I was asked to help walk the horse (so I am learning too), while Pam walked alongside Henry. He remembered to say "walk on" when he wanted the horse to go, and "whoa" when he wanted to stop. Pam kept quizzing him on the parts of the saddle, etc. and reminding him to sit up straight and proud. That was one thing that struck me last time, when we watched the girls having a lesson: how proud, poised, and confident (but not arrogant) they seemed.

And I was really struck by the fact that horseback riding is not only about learning a skill- it is also about the relationship with the horse- the respect between horse and rider. I mean, T could have effortlessly tossed my kid 40 feet over a fence if he wanted, but instead he swished his tail so patiently and walked so well with me, even though I'm sure he could tell I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Just like last time, Henry's internal alarm suddenly went off, and he was ready to be done. I hadn't really paid attention, but Pam said that he had ridden about 20 minutes, and she seemed genuinely pleased and proud of what he had done.

So, it took us almost a year to figure this out, but I think this picture speaks for itself- it was worth the wait!

tugging at my heartstrings this week

-Henry is having a great week at L's house. He's been to the pool, a magic show at the library, the park, and an indoor climbing "funzone" kind of place. In most cases he is interacting with his peers more than I would have expected, and melting down less than I would have expected. (Or, L isn't telling me the whole story!)

He covered his ears a lot during the magic show, and that was the same day as the baseball game. Probably too much new stuff in one week.

Also, the brothers are having some great reciprocal "conversations" lately: answering one another's questions, etc. It feels strange- I thought I would be mediating their interactions forever!
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-Tommy started the summer session of gymnastics yesterday. He's in a higher age bracket now- one where the parents just sit and watch. So after a year of changing my clothes and running around out there with him, shouting encouragement and praise, now I'm just supposed to sit and read People Magazine.

Don't get me wrong, I like reading People Magazine, and maybe next time I'll bring an iced green tea or something to drink. But yesterday I thought I might cry. The teacher said "he's growing up!" and I was like "waaaaa!"

I look at Thomas and think "please don't ever grow up into a teenager. Just stay 3 forever- I wouldn't mind." He could keep dressing up like a super hero and asking me to carry him "like a baby" until eternity, and I would love it. Although the waking up crying for no reason? And the whining? Maybe I would get tired of that.

For another: my friend Mamaroo is getting ready to have her third baby. She has written about taking time to enjoy this last pregnancy, as she doesn't plan to have another. I guess that line of thought has infiltrated my mind, and reminded me to enjoy Tommy's littleness, because I won't ever have another 3-year-old.

The cool thing about gymnastics was- the kids all did great without their mommies and daddies out there. All the stuff we thought they needed our help for? They didn't need it.
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We have been listening to Peter, Paul, and Mary lately, ever since Henry sang Puff the Magic Dragon in music class. It's a nice change from the Disney music we usually listen to, and I love to hear the boys sing along. You're never too young to learn about harmony. This morning I was watching Henry wake up, and listened to these words:

Tell me why you're smiling my son
Is there a secret you can tell everyone?
Do you know more than men that are wise?
Can you see what we all must disguise
through your loving eyes?

And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
Day is done, Day is done
Day is done, Day is done

Man, those folk singers don't mess around, do they? BAM- they get you right where you live.

having an autistic brother means giving up your french fries

This wasn't a catastrophe. It would probably not merit a mention if you asked either of my sons to summarize their day today. But it's an example of the additional dilemmas autism brings to the life of our family- the things I worry about as a mother.

A friend's son had a baseball game tonight at the fields near our office. I picked up both boys from L's house, drove through Burger King (Fantastic Four toys in their happy meals) and met my friend at the game. Tommy and Henry sat on the bleachers and I distributed the food. Henry ate about half his french fries and then asked for Tommy's. Tommy was not eating any of his food, but when I asked if he wanted to share his fries with his brother, he shook his head "no".

I told Henry that he should finish his own fries, eat some of his chicken nuggets, and then we'd see if Tommy had any fries left that he wanted to share. "No! I want to eat HIS fries!" Henry started trying to push Tommy and reach for his food.

I moved Henry to the bleacher below me (hoping out of sight, out of mind) and tried to keep watching the game. Henry continued to argue about wanting more fries, and Tommy kept insisting that he didn't want to give any up. I threatened Henry that he would lose computer privileges if he kept acting this way, and he SCREAMED. Right when my friend's son (R) was starting to pitch. R walked his first batter. I'm sure that Henry's screaming didn't have much, if anything, to do with it, but nevertheless I felt very uncomfortable.

I told Tommy "I'm going to give Henry your fries (Tommy still wasn't eating anything) and we'll stop on the way home and get you some more. Maybe we can even get some ice cream on the way home too..." I was losing all my marbles. This is not the mom I want to be.

I want to tell my kid something (you can't have your brother's french fries) and stick with it. I want to be consistent. I don't want to punish the neurotypical kid for being normal and reward the autistic kid for behaving inappropriately. I don't want to do that, but then I do. Because I want to watch 1/2 an hour of a 9-year-old kid's baseball game. Why is that such an impossible dream?

As it was, Henry ate all the second helping of french fries, none of his chicken nuggets, and said he was ready to go home. So we left.

I did get to see R get up to bat and pitch an inning, so I didn't mind leaving. But this was a disappointing reminder that we have not come so far after all. We are not quite like the rest of the families.

Tonight I told Henry I wanted to talk about what had happened. I told him that it's not ok to eat his brother's food- they each have their own food and Tommy should not have to give his up. I also told him that it's not ok to scream and yell like that when he doesn't get his way. I pointed out that it might bother the kids who are trying to play baseball. Henry started crying, and said "I don't like baseball." He kept repeating it over and over.

So I tried to teach a little lesson and all I succeeded in doing was turning it around in his mind so that now Henry doesn't like baseball.

I made sure to thank Thomas more than once for giving up his french fries. I told him it was a very nice and very grownup thing to do. He was kind of like "whatever, mommy". But I worry that this will become his destiny- he'll always have to make sacrifices to make his brother happy, and will come to resent it.
I'm not sure what I can do except keep being honest with both of them. And maybe buy a larger size fry next time.

walk on

This always happens. I wait too long to post about one subject, and then another is running up behind it, trying to crowd it out of the way. Sometimes I intend to write one post and put off the other for another day, but that never happens. It usually works better for me to just spout out about all of it, all at once.

So, the horseback riding. We are off to a spectacular start! Henry was so excited when we got to the farm (after mapquest sent us on a delaying detour) that he unbuckled his own seat belt and jumped out of his seat. I've never seen him do that before. He raced/danced around from one fenced area to the next, looking at all the horses.

Ms. Pam was conducting a class with three nine-year-old girls (not a therapeutic class, just a regular riding class). She had each girl introduce herself and her horse to Henry. Then Pam found Henry a helmet, helped him up onto the horse, and led him around the yard. Actually, one of the young girls (named Katie) led the horse, and Pam walked alongside, with her hand on Henry's back. My *&@% camera batteries were dead, but I was at least able to snap a few with my phone.

The horse's name was "T", and Pam told Henry to say "walk on T" to make T go. Henry shouted it with gusto! Then they practiced saying "whoa". After a few times, Katie said, "Ms. Pam, I'm not even making T stop!" The horse was really responding to Henry.

He was only on the horse for maybe 10 minutes, then Katie showed Henry all around the farm. She told him the names of all the other horses, and what kinds of horses they were. It was so cute to see these girls who obviously LOVE horses.

As Pam was gathering some information for me, and trying to schedule our first real lesson, Henry suddenly said "I'm ready to go home." We had been there about 1/2 an hour, and I think all the excitement was suddenly too much for him.

As I relayed this story to a friend, she pointed out that Henry telling me "I'm ready to go home" is a vast improvement over what his behavior might have been a few years ago: screaming, kicking, pinching. These all probably would have been directed at me, at Ms. Pam, even at his new little riding friends. As it was, he tried to hold it together until we could leave. I was just about proud enough to burst throughout this evening!

Unfortunately, we did need to make one more stop after that- the riding store was right down the street, and I wanted to get his helmet then so we would have it for the next lesson. The service was friendly, but slow (it's different out there in the country, I guess :-) and Henry was definitely ready to go home by then. He started saying things like "I don't want this helmet. I don't want to ride a horse. I don't like riding horses. This helmet is not the right size!"

I was so wishing that the salesperson would just ignore him, but instead she seemed quite concerned. "You don't like this helmet? Do you want a different color? Well, your mom just wants to keep you safe. Oh, you have to wear a helmet to be safe."

I was about ready to scream "my son has autism and he's overstimulated by the excitement of all this- just give me the helmet already and let us get out of here!"

It's been awhile since I've felt that way. I somewhat wanted to convey to this woman that my son was autistic, but felt a little awkward to say so right in front of Henry. How have some of you dealt with this kind of situation?
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This week Henry is going to the sitter (L) with Tommy, and then next week the Easter Seals summer program starts. L and I were talking about the week's activities, and I decided I should take Henry to their neighborhood pool ahead of time, so he would know what to expect. It's actually a really nice pool with a huge shallow end and with steps leading into it. But I know Henry, and I know that he will resist doing anything new. (I mean, except riding a horse!)

So I took the boys to the pool on Friday. As I suspected, Henry started repeating "I will just watch. I will not get in the pool." He'll say something like that even as he's walking right toward the steps. But most adults (as I would want them to) will listen to his words and say "OK, you don't have to get in."

I took both boys' hands and walked right in to the pool. Henry started bobbing and splashing and grinning and said "It feels great. I love it!"

Just when I was feeling like champion mother of the month for figuring him out, I looked around. No one else was in the pool. No one. Then I noticed some kids around the edge of the pool giving us dirty looks.

It was adult swim. I had to tell both my sons to get out of the pool again.

Just when I think I'm one step ahead of a situation, I'm actually two steps behind.
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Kate has been working a TON at her new job. Yesterday she worked 11-4 and we decided to walk up to the restaurant for lunch. Henry and Tommy both complained, whined and argued the WHOLE WAY. It can be so discouraging and disappointing to try to have a normal Sunday afternoon family outing and have it nearly ruined by that kind of behavior. Obviously I can't blame it all on autism, because Tommy was doing just as much whining and arguing. But, he is 3. And he is easier to distract from his moods. But when Henry's in a "mood" too, they just egg one another on.

I tried asking Henry if he was anxious because we were going somewhere new. But that excuse doesn't really make sense to me because, while this restaurant was a new place to us, it is on the same street as the library and Starbucks- and you know those places are very familiar. Henry ended up losing his computer privileges for the rest of the day because of how he acted on our walk.

good news/bad news

Let's start off with the bad news, in order to end on a high note:

-Thomas has an ear infection. It's not causing him any discomfort, because the tubes are doing their job of draining the pus. It's yucky because it looks like snot is running out of his ear, and I need to figure out something to plug/cover his ears for swimming.

This morning he said "mommy, when I walk like this (marching), the drops in my ears make a funny sound." When he is able to communicate details like that to me, it makes me realize how little Henry is able to tell me. It is very difficult for Henry to identify anything that is going on with his body, much less translate that to an adult. Bittersweet.


Well, I guess that's all the bad. Now on to the good:

-Kate got a job for the summer- making subs at a new restaurant up the street. She seems really excited about it.

-We got a new (used) car! It's a 2004 Chrysler Pacifica in the red color. Our minivan and our Honda Civic were both over 10 years old and had over 100,000 miles. Driving this car makes me feel the way I felt when we first bought our house and had central air and a dishwasher: like I'm an imposter. Surely I can't be enough of a grownup to have a house with a dishwasher, or a car with a CD player and doors you can lock and unlock with your keychain!! (And don't forget grownup enough to make a car payment every month. Yuck.)

Tommy and I have been listening to the Beach Boys as we drive.

-I have finally found someone to do therapeutic horse-riding with Henry. I know I should wait until we try it to write about it, but I am so excited! I spoke to this woman last night, and then Henry and I had the following exchange:

me: "Henry, do you know who I was just talking to? A woman who is going to teach you how to ride a horse! She said we can come to her farm on Wednesday."

Henry: "She is?" (Eyes wide. He starts kind of dancing excitedly and looking around.) "Daddy, where are you?" (Then he stops and turns back to me) "What is her name?"

me: "Pam. Miss Pam."

Henry again: "Daddy, where are you?" (Bill calls to him from downstairs, but then Henry turns to me again) "On which day? On June sixth?"

me: "yes, on Wednesday- June sixth."

Once he finally had all the pertinent details, Henry danced on downstairs to tell Daddy. Henry kept saying "I can't believe it!" And it took him awhile to fall asleep last night.

I hope the experience lives up to the excitement.