end of school

I'm at home with "sick" (but not really sick) Tommy today, and thought I'd try to catch the blog up on the past month or so.

Although Henry is still in school this week- making up some calamity days- his class had their end-of-the-year events last week. Thursday they had an "awards ceremony" and then early dismissal. The awards ceremony was cute- each child came to the front of the class to receive some kind of candy and a certificate. The awards were not academic, but based on the child's personality. For example, one boy was given a box of Whoppers and his award was for the "best storyteller". I can only assume that he tells some tall and lengthy tales, as some ASD kids tend to do.

After the award was given, classmates were encouraged to say something nice about their friend. I was so moved- even the children that I've observed to be very non-communicative stood up in front of the class and called on classmates by name. Those kids are troopers- every one of them! The same couple girls were always the ones to say something- and it usually was a take-off on what the teachers had said: in this example "you always tell really good stories".

Henry didn't want to say much about his classmates, and when I did prompt him to, you could tell that he was scripting. For example, one boy is on Henry's baseball team. I whispered in his ear that he could say something about that. Henry raised his hand and, when called on, stood up and said "you were once on my baseball team. The Florida Marlins." in an announcer-type voice. He didn't get that he was supposed to say something nice, like "you always do a good job".

When school started in the fall , Henry was quite fixated on Prince Caspian. That's what he was for Halloween, and I think the teachers didn't realize it was just one in a string of movie obsessions. So all year they have all talked a lot about Prince Caspian, even though Henry doesn't show much interest at home anymore.

Henry's award was for "best hugger" and he was given a bag of Hershey's hugs. "I don't want this award" he proclaimed. "I want the Prince Caspian award". I was a little embarassed, but the teacher didn't miss a beat. She picked up a pen and wrote /Prince Caspian Award on the certificate. With any other, typical, child, I would think this was giving in/reinforcing bratty behavior. But as we parents (and teachers) of special ed kids know, we have to pick our battles.

After we left school that day, I re-learned a lesson. I thought I would suprise Henry with a trip to the zoo- just me and him. I didn't bring it up at home because I didn't want Tommy to hear and be jealous. Well, of course my little predictable-structure-loving man didn't like my idea. He wanted nothing to do with the zoo (even though he'd been asking to go for weeks). He wanted to go to the library. Of course. I persevered and drove out to the zoo, only to find that I didn't have my membership card. (Doh!) So what ended up happening? That's right, Henry got his way and we went to the library. At least we stopped at a park for a picnic lunch first.

Another lesson re-learned this week: make Henry do things, even when he protests. We joined the community center pool this weekend. Bill and Tommy went ahead to swim and I started laying the groundwork with Henry. He was watching the same scene over and over from Sleeping Beauty- the big finale when the Prince is let out of the dungeon and fights the dragon. re-playing it over and over. I could have just let him keep doing that while I cleaned the house or read a book.

I mentioned getting ready for the pool. He said he didn't want to go, but then turned the dvd off after one more playing of the scene. He sat on the couch, repeating that he didn't want to go. I threw his swim trunks and shirt down the stairs and by the time I got down there he had put them on. His words say "no" but his actions say "yes".

Would you believe that once he got in the pool (he was timid at first) he didn't want to get out for HOURS? I actually heard him saying "watch this mom" "watch this mom" over and over. It was awesome! But also humbling. How many days do I let him sit and perseverate on something, all by himself, rather than pushing him to do something interactive with us? I must remember not to get lazy.

One other development that I want to mention- Henry's speech and occupational therapists are starting a group called "Food Explorers" for kids with food issues. The idea is not necessarily to get them to eat anything new yet, but just get accustomed to touching the food, talking about it, in sort of a scientific way- talking about the properties of different foods, etc. The group will meet a couple times a week during the 5 or 6 weeks of summer school. I will let you know if anything exciting comes of it.

an autumn outing

Yikes! I don't want to leave that rant up here too long! And, we did something fun and photo-worthy yesterday...

Remember our 10th anniversary trip? Bill suggested that we take the boys down to that area for the day, hike around and have a picnic. We decided to stop at the first area of the park that we came to. Unfortunately, we didn't remember that this area was the most treacherous. I literally remember thinking when we were here before "I would never bring my kids here- I would be terrified." Ooops.

Tommy was so very excited, and just hopping and jumping around like he does, right near these slippery drop-offs. And we worried about Henry just as much, for almost the opposite reason: he is so weak and uncoordinated that he might just stumble and fall down and panic...

So we just held on really tightly. And of course everything turned out fine.

I ended up being the only one who slipped at all. On one of these broken steps. I was holding Henry's hand at the time, and made a big deal about how he "saved" me.

Henry pulled the same routine he had at the pumpkin patch: I'm not going to look at the cliffs. I'm not going to hike on the trails. I just want to wait in the car... But it was easier since Bill was there with me- one adult to talk Henry down and the other to be excited with Tommy. Henry ended up enjoying himself, as always. He specifically asked me to take this picture:

There was lots and lots of step-climbing, and we were so proud of Henry for the way he kept up. I had visions of carrying him up and down steps when he was 5 years old and just didn't have the strength, or his little legs were too short. But he's a big boy now and didn't complain once. He even enjoyed balancing on some of the stone walls: "It's like a balance beam!"

Stamina is never a concern with Thomas, and yesterday was no exception. He could have stayed twice as long, climbing and jumping and making up adventures. In the picture below he is holding a piece of rock that he found and had declared to be "a dinosaur's tooth!" (This picture is kind of dark because we were under a huge rock overhang- I don't know if that's technically considered a cave, but that's what we called it.)

This picture was taken from inside one of the cave areas. Can you blame the old man who made this his home? If you take out all those people wandering around, what a gorgeous retreat.

all-around, a satisfying weekend

A new puzzle--

An uncle who is ready and willing to play with all his cool old toys--

A Grandpa who takes you on adventures, like checking out the attic--

(Perhaps this photo is blurry because mommy was so nervous. Even more so when she heard Grandpa instruct "now stay on the wood beams- don't step on the white part. It won't hold you.")

Temporary tattoos and a slip-n-slide--

Wearing no shirt all day long on your birthday, sitting outside eating watermelon, looking at the cool comic book your uncle gave you--

Covering your ears and blowing out the candles--

And she's not pictured, but the big sister joined us for the celebration. Tommy and I took her home and I saw her apartment for the first time. I was left with mixed emotions: a little bit excited for her; I remember how it felt to go out on my own, a little bit sad to leave her there alone.

I know that's weird as she hasn't lived with us for months now. I guess old mommy habits die hard.

Happy birthday Henry! Thanks for making me your mom 9 years ago.

"I did good"

I had to leave work Monday because I was crying. Not just a few tears in my eyes- that happens just about every damn day around here. It was the kind of crying that doesn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon. So I just ducked out the back door and went home to cry some more and then wash my face.
I don't really want to get into why I was crying- it was just one phone conversation too many about a stressful topic that has been the subject of countless conversations over the past few months.
When I got back to work, my friend said that she had been feeling like her emotions were really "close to the surface" lately. Another work friend told me he had been feeling very emotional over the weekend. So maybe there is something in the air at this time of year. I dunno.
It is the season of weddings (we have 2 in June) and graduations (we hopefully have 2 in June) and thus of new beginnings. I need to get a handle on this emotion thing or I will be bawling my way through the next 6 weeks.
I would like to share something really special that we experienced this weekend, and hopefully somebody out there is still reading.

Saturday Henry had his first Miracle League baseball game. I'm just about the last person you'd catch being all sentimental about a sporting event. But this program is one of the coolest things we've been involved in.

The league is for kids with all sorts of disabilities. Each child is matched up with a "buddy" who helps them play (to whatever degree he or she needs help). Every kid gets a hit and every hit gets on base. Every kid scores a run every time. The final score was 24-24, and something tells me it will be the same next week.

Each player has a nickname, and the announcer plays it up like a real ball game:

Up next for the Marlins is number 1, Hammerin' Henry. Henry hit a single his last time at bat, and has been working on some weight training in the off-season.

If you've been reading here about Henry for any length of time, you know that he's not much into physical activity or, well, anything done outside.

But this was different. Henry fielded just about every ball, with gusto. That's not to say that he actually caught any of them. But he ran and ran and didn't give up. (The kids in the light blue shirts are the buddies. Henry's is the girl in the pink cardigan.)

He was so proud of his two home runs. On the ride home he seemed very dazed- that was a lot of activity and a lot of new stuff to process. But he kept repeating "I did good!"

Also, we had "transitions" lenses put into Henry's glasses, so they turn to sunglasses outside. The sun has always seemed to really bother him, so maybe they are a contributing factor to his enjoyment of baseball. Plus, they make him look really cool.
Another cool aspect of the Miracle League for parents is that we just sit in the stands and watch and cheer. Just like regular proud parents. We chatted with the other grownups around us; parents of both players and buddies.



As a side note, but another contributing factor to my "emotions close to the surface", as we pulled in to the park where these games are held, I realized that I had been there before.
Henry had attended 2 birthday parties here when he was 3 or 4 (pre-diagnosis). Both for kids who were cared for by L also. Both parties went relatively badly- but one stands out in particular. I remember having to carry Henry screaming to the car halfway through the party. He wouldn't leave the gifts alone and of course could not be persuaded that they didn't belong to him.
I remember feeling so frustrated and alone and so sad for Henry because he was missing out on special peer activities.
5 years later, we've both come a long way. My expectations have undoubtedly changed. And Henry's abilities and understanding have brought him far. He listened and followed directions and tried something new that day with bravery and enthusiasm. Yes, the situation had modified rules and expectations. Yes, it was different from the league that other 2nd graders will play in. But it was a success. He did good.

a little heavy on pictures of the youngest

You're lucky I didn't write this last night. I finally broke down and bought Claritin D- the kind you have to buy from the pharmacist and practically get finger-printed for. I feel like such a criminal when I buy it that I avoid it as long as I can.

But Friday night I really couldn't breathe and so I bought the drugs on Saturday. Saturday night was fine, but last night? I was on some kind of decongestant trip. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep and my mind started racing about the dumbest stuff: Henry's puzzles are still out in the basement. I should have had him help put them away. I have that chore chart that we never use. I really need to start using that with the boys. I shouldn't have bought that DVD for Henry without showing that he earned it somehow. There's a basket of laundry downstairs that I didn't fold yet...

People actually abuse these drugs because they WANT to feel this way? No thanks.

So.

Thomas had his first-ever soccer practice Saturday.

He did his usual shy thing, but I'm sure he will warm up to it. This league for 4-year-olds doesn't have games or anything, just practices. Luckily we have a very dear 10-year-old friend who plays many sports and gives us lots of hand-me-downs. So we are set for shoes and shin guards. But I have been informed (by my husband) that these shorts he's wearing are not appropriate, so they will have to make a trip to the sports supply store. (Roll eyes.)

Later on Saturday we went to the library and then to the grocery store. I did buy Henry the 101 Dalmations DVD and I did struggle with that decision.

When his teacher started reporting on Henry's day using 0-5 stars, the idea was that we would track how many stars he earned, and tie that in to a reward. Needless to say, the system hasn't really worked. He'll have an excellent couple weeks of 4 & 5 star days, but we won't happen to go to the store that weekend.

Then he'll have a couple rough weeks of 1 & 2 star days (even 0 stars one day this month), and I'll turn around and buy him a DVD. Maybe it's just me being a mushy marshmallow-spine mommy, but I find it hard to say no sometimes. Henry is a smart kid. But I'm not sure that he truly understands a consequence that is not immediate. I look in his eyes as I say "I know you want that DVD, but you can't have it because you kicked your teacher on Tuesday" and I don't see understanding there. All I see staring back at me is the blind desire for this DVD. And, if I'm being honest, I see the threat of a full-blown freak out if we don't bring the DVD home.

I am considering making it more of a daily consequence- you can't watch a movie after school if you haven't had a good day. But then I think about how hard he works at school all day and how chilling out with a movie probably feels so good to him, and I lose my resolve.

And sometimes I feel like all this talk about how many stars he earns just stresses him out. He starts to cry and shout "on Monday, I won't earn any stars! I will not be good!"
So, I'm a pushover. My secret is out.

Tommy's child-care provider has been doing more fun stuff with the kids. A couple weeks ago they planted zinnia seeds:

So this weekend Bill and Tommy moved them to roomier pots:

That squirt bottle he's using? It has provided HOURS of outdoor fun. Who knew that squirting water at stuff was so entertaining?

Both boys rode their bikes some more this weekend. I told Henry, more than once, that we were just going on a bike ride. I did not bring my money and we were not going to stop at Starbucks. But he did not believe me. This resulted in a few angry moments and about a quarter mile of him pushing his bike, rather than riding it. (I guess this was some sort of protest, but it really only punished him!) So, see, I don't always give in!

Tommy had a small wipe out, which led to the overuse of these cool band-aids:

Springtime feels really good. Having our whole family back home again feels really good. If we could just figure out the new VCR so we could record The Office, all would be right.

easter

I thought I had everything I needed for the Easter baskets. Then, on Friday, we were talking about Easter coming up, and Henry piped up with "the Easter Bunny will bring me a book about animals!"

He will, huh?

So, a dutiful mother, I ran out on Saturday to get a book about animals (I mean, one more book about animals, as we already have at least a dozen.)
Henry was happy with this one, and scampered off into a corner to look at it. His brother tried to get him interested in the Legos and moon sand in their baskets, but Henry was all about the book.
But a little while later, the truth came out: "It was a sticker book."
"The book about animals that you wanted was a sticker book?"
"Yes."
"...well, the Easter Bunny must not have known that. Did you see a sticker book you wanted somewhere?"
"At the mall."

They had taken a class community skills trip to the mall and he must have seen the book there. Oh well, the Bunny gets an A for effort.
(This child, the one who always wants to wear shorts and short-sleeved shirts, now doesn't even want to wear a shirt at all!)

We had a nice day of treats, coloring eggs, visits from family and friends, and some yummy food. The only element missing was church, which we really need to get back to.* Bill told the boys the Easter story, and offered to read it out of the children's Bible. Henry got kind of agitated and started asking for "the Jesus books". We told him that we didn't have any Easter books, and that all the Christmas books were put away.

Well, you know what happened: I ended up going down in the basement, pulling out all the bins of Christmas decorations, and finding the Christmas story books for Henry! Even though the Easter story has a happy ending, I can't blame Henry for preferring the "baby born in a barn" story to the "man tortured until he dies" story. Can you?

The timing was just perfect when I got Henry out of the bath Saturday night; the sun was setting and shining right in the bathroom window.

Henry glanced out the window and then smiled, mesmerized by the sun. "The sun is setting," he said. The moment was so perfect- my son stopping to show me something I had been too distracted to see for myself. I had to run and grab the camera (as he stood there, shivering). And then, of course, I couldn't get a shot with his eyes open.

manic and love to the homeschoolers

When will I learn that drinking a larger size coffee doesn't make my brain work better? It only makes it work faster and more maniac-ly (not taking the time to figure out if that's a real word or not. See what I mean?)

Some things I'm thinking about this week:

-Should I investigate the autism school in our area? The one that we looked into back when Henry was 4 and didn't have a diagnosis yet. He's doing pretty well in our public school so far, but his success seems completely hinged on Mrs. C pulling the right tricks. On days she is out sick or because her children have a snowday (as has happened A LOT in the past month), half of his progress flies out the window and has to be re-built. How great would it be if the whole school were full of teachers who get it?

Henry has been having more 3-star days than 5-star for the past few weeks. Nearly every day he says he "feels sick" and should stay home from school. When I try to press him further on what feels sick, he (as has been the case for his whole life) cannot tell me. So I have been ignoring it.

His eating has become even more particular- he won't eat pasta and sauce anymore and I have resorted to trying different sauces and different shapes of pasta (he always asks for "the seashell kind".)

It seems like something is up. His teacher has not been sending homework home regularly either for the past few weeks, making it hard for us to keep a routine at home. Perhaps she is just very busy right now with IEPs, etc. But, again, I'd love it if my son could be in an environment where everything does not rely on ONE teacher.

-Henry has been asking to "sleep longer in your bed", meaning he wants to fall asleep in our bed and stay there. He never ever did this as a younger child, it is relatively new, and again makes me wonder what is up.

-What will Henry do this summer? Let's search the internet... Here's a super-cool looking program right near our house, but it costs twice as much a week as the Easter Seals program he's attended in the past. I wonder if there is funding out there that Henry could qualify for? Where would I look? Who would I ask? I'll add it to my to-do list.

It seems like my to-do list is always growing. I know that's true with everyone.

I'm not sure what's bringing on this frenzy. Could be the closing of the jury duty chapter in my life. Could be the impending IEP meeting. Could be the house-cleaning I attempted this weekend. Could be the feeling that winter will be ending soon and spring is coming. Could be the realization that my high school senior (pictured above enjoying the snow) is getting ready to graduate soon.

Operation Forced Independence was fairly successful this weekend. I seem to be the only one for whom this is a big deal. I hadn't even told Bill of my Big Plan, but when Henry asked for sausage for dinner Friday night, I proclaimed "you can learn to make it yourself!" Bill didn't miss a beat, but walked Henry through how to open up the package and put the sausage links in the microwave. Kinda makes me think Bill's been trying to do this for awhile.

Saturday Henry made himself some sausage again (the kid will eat pork sausage links for every meal) and some waffles in the toaster. He didn't eat the waffles, though. (I feel that way sometimes, that a meal just isn't as good if I have to make it myself.) He also spooned out some mixed fruit for himself (pictured above).

Sunday he asked for waffles and I told him to come in the kitchen and we'd make them together. At that he changed his mind and said he wanted cereal with milk. I made him help with that also, but I guess it's a little less involved. And he can still see the tv while pouring cereal and milk.

I have had him get out his own pajamas and put them on by himself every night, and attempted to show him how to run his own bath Sunday night. I made a better effort to have him clean up one thing before getting out another. This is a never-ending battle with a kid who likes to have 3 puzzles out at once and all the prints and books related to a certain move spread out around him at any given time.

He didn't really protest too much at any of this, and I think this will need to be a new state of mind for all of us.

One note I do need to make to Kyra and all you other brave homeschoolers: I don't think my son would respond to this direction as easily if his teachers hadn't already "broken him in" for me. He has learned a lot of "if/then" instruction from school, and a lot of "you can do it by yourself".

Heck, I would still be helping him go to the bathroom if he hadn't gone off to kindergarten and I realized that his teacher probably doesn't pull down his pants for him and put him on the toilet! I'm not kidding, that was a huge realization for me.

I am a big big believer in getting help and advice from as many good sources as I can (this blog being just one example of that.) I have learned so much from friends, family, teachers and childcare providers who have shared their wisdom and philosophies with me.

Given all this reliance on others to help me, I am simply awestruck by homeschooling moms. Of course I hope that you have a good support network of other adults and professionals just as I do. But your day-to-day contact with them has to be minimal when you're down in the trenches teaching an oppositional child how to read or write or add.

my week

I'm having a hard time with this new routine. With my new life as a JUROR. Please indulge a little play-by-play boo-hooing:

Monday was a Federal holiday, so we had no trial. So I went in to work and tried to get as much accomplished as I could. Then, Tuesday, Thomas's birthday, I had to go back to court. Just as a coincidence, L had an appointment that morning and had asked us weeks and weeks before if we could just drop the kids off at preschool that morning, and she would pick them up.

If I were attending my real job, that would be no problem- I'd get to work maybe 1/2 hour later than usual and would be able to pick up donut holes for Thomas to take to school for a birthday treat. BUT, in the current circumstance, I can't be 1/2 hour late for the trial and make all those people wait for ME. So I had to run to the store at 6:30 am, pick up the treat, take the boy to Bill's work, and Bill took him to preschool. It's not a huge hardship for anyone, but it was just frustrating. Partly I think I was just being sensitive because I wanted to be the one to drop off my birthday boy. I wanted to give him one extra birthday squeeze. You know how weird we moms can get on a birthday.

So I was pissy all day at court. Tuesday I tried to be a little more social with my fellow jurors, but by Thursday I was grumpy again. I have these anti-social tendencies at times, and I'm starting to chafe at being forced to hang out with these 14 other people (we have 12 jurors and 3 alternates) all day every day. All of them are nice people, but the longer we are together, the more our differences come out. The snowy and cold weather hasn't helped much either- we get over an hour for lunch, so when the weather is a little nicer, maybe I will go out and wander around downtown.

One day I will post some pictures of the courthouse and the downtown area- it's all very picturesque.

Wednesday court let out a little early. The judge asked if any of us would have a conflict with starting early the following morning. I nodded my head, and later explained to the court deputy that I would NEVER be able to start earlier than 9, as I have to put one child on the bus and take the other to his sitter each morning. She said that was no problem. But then the juror next to me started asking questions

"Can't their dad get them off in the morning?" No, he goes in to work at 5:30 am. Not to mention the fact that he already returns home to help out once a month when the school has a late start day.

"Can your son go to latchkey?" Now, the woman who asked this question is an aide in a special ed classroom and we have discussed that my son is autistic. What the hell is she thinking? I thought through all these possibilities a long time ago and discarded them. I am not going to change my life now because of jury duty.

I suppose people like this are trying to be helpful, but it's going to be a looong however-many-more-weeks sitting next to her, that's for sure.

The trial itself is so interesting- I can't wait to tell you about it. (If anyone is interested in the case, you can e-mail me and I will give you some suggestions of places to search for stories about the trial. But of course I can't discuss it with anyone. It's killing me!)

Friday we were scheduled to not have court (I suppose the judge needs some days to get other work done?) Because I had been so on-edge all week, I didn't plan to go into the office, but rather to get some things done at home. A "mental health day", if you will.

Except we had snow and freezing rain and ended up having a snow day. A mental health day is not as effective when all one's children are home with one.

It actually turned out fine- both boys played out in the snow with me for awhile, which is really big for Henry. He is usually quite averse to, well, doing anything outside, but especially in the cold and snow. We also ran a few errands and spent some of Thomas's birthday money.

I wanted to share a couple more pictures from his party. Here are all the kids getting warmed up:

And here is something awesome- Henry doing a "bear walk". You would not have seen this strength and coordination in this boy a year ago!

Henry did have some anxiety about the party. He spent the morning saying he didn't want to go to the party, he didn't like parties, etc. Then, once people started arriving, he got quite excited and kept repeating things like "it is Tommy's birthday! We are having a party! The party is starting!"

He played along and did gymnastics for maybe half an hour. Then he started saying he didn't want to, that he wanted to "help Tommy open his presents", and started getting really anxious about the present-opening. I think Bill missed a lot of the singing, cake, and presents, because he was doing stuff like this:
Then, once everyone was leaving, Henry started asking to "do more gymnastics". But our time was up.

I made a new friend this week, and I hope you'll check out her blog: Rooster Calls. Her son is 3 and she suspects he is on the autism spectrum, but doesn't have a diagnosis yet. She has been reading some blogs, looking for reassurance/guidance/support and stumbled across mine.

I've been thinking about what I convey, as the parent of an 8-year-old boy with autism, to some of the newbies in our community. I hope I don't seem to really know what I'm doing, because that's definitely not the case. But I can say that, with the birthday party being a good example, our family has learned how to cope with Henry's differences. And as he has grown he has become better able to express his needs and wants in a more appropriate, if still atypical, manner. If this party had happened when Henry were 3, or even 5, he probably would have screamed the entire time. We wouldn't have had a party. If it were someone else's party, we would have left early.

So we are all figuring it out together. It gets easier. And we're all happy to lend a hand to someone else, knowing that's one more hand to pull us up when we need it too.

happy birthday lovey

Tommy had his first real birthday party with friends this weekend, at the gymnastics place. He requested red cake (easy- a red velvet mix) and red icing (FYI it takes 1.5 bottles of red food coloring to turn white icing into red). His big sister did the decorating.

He was a very good host, had lots of fun, and received lots of cool superhero gifts. Today (his true birthday) he will bring a treat to preschool and open more presents at home.

I've been working on this analogy in my head: that our children are like vacations. Each a delightful little detour from life as it had been, changing our life experience forever. Some children are like a mountain-climbing survival trek; they challenge you to a level you've never reached before, shocking you and exhausting you and turning things upside-down. Sometimes they make you think "hey, I never set out to be a mountain climber. What am I doing here?" But sometimes they also make you think "hey, look at me- I'm climbing this mountain and I'm actually enjoying it!"

Thomas is like a vacation at a familiar beach house. He's generally easy and predictable and goes with the flow. He gives us a minute to catch our breath. Of course he can be a brat quite often, but even at those times he usually can be reasoned with, and responds to basic parental logic. The storm usually blows over quickly. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Tommy is a comfort and I'm so glad he's in my life. I hope I never fail to let him know that.

Happy 4th birthday boo-boo.

belated new year report

I've been having a bit of blogger's block.

A few good things that I want to report are kind of dwarfed by some crappy stuff going on right now that is not really fit for public consumption.

Some of you know what I'm talking about. Those who don't, I don't mean to be all mysterious... There's just good and bad in every family at any time and it really stinks at the times that the bad stuff is a big elephant in the room. You are all trying to pretend it's not there and at the same time avoid being stepped on by it. Or pooped on by it. Gosh, I could just go on with this metaphor (or is it a simile?) all day...

But I won't.

Instead I'll share some photos from New Year's Eve. Let me say up front that the boys stayed home with their dad that day, while I went to work, and remained in their pajamas all day. Also, they have both gotten haircuts since these photos were taken.

Tommy got his own Leapster for Christmas, I'm not sure why he was just watching Henry play with his...

We made our own pizzas that night:

And fruit salad:

The "fruit salad" was such a huge hit. They ate more fruit than pizza. Too bad many of us lose that natural love for fresh fruit and replace it with ice cream! (We had ice cream that night too, of course.)

I dozed with the boys and on the couch from about 10 - 11:50 pm, waking up to see the ball drop. Not a craaazy New Year's Eve, but a pretty nice one.

_______

Last weekend I took Henry and Thomas to the zoo. I know I write about that all the time, but it is what I like to do when I feel like we need to get out of the house. Henry doesn't last long at the playground, so the zoo is an outdoor activity that involves some movement and some interaction and some fresh air and doesn't cost too much money. It also requires some decision-making and compromising, which are important for all of us to practice. And, we all just like to see the animals.

Henry likes to shout "hello" to each animal, and hop around, flapping and humming, as he watches them. Of some of the animals he commands/requests certain activities: "jump in the water penguin! Jump in! C'mon little penguin, don't you want to swim?"

This time each boy got one of those souvenir pennies- they each picked the wolf pattern.
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Henry's teacher contacted me last week about making a change in his schedule. He had been joining the second grade class for language arts, but she was proposing that he join them for science and social studies instead. These subjects involve more discussion and participation, and less "pencil and paper" work (his least-favorite thing).

Their monthly "community trip" this time was to the bowling alley and Frisch's restaurant for lunch. Henry loved the bowling, but didn't eat any of his lunch. He ordered mac & cheese, which was undoubtedly different from his mother's very special Kraft mac & cheese. Next time I will have to preview the menu and suggest what I think he should order.

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This morning Thomas cried on his way to L's house. He said he didn't want to go there- something to do with D, this other boy she watches. "Me and D always boss each other" he sobbed.
"Well, you don't have to play with D," I offered.
"But I like to play with him!" He cried even harder.
"Just try your best to be a good friend and to play nicely with him."
"I do try my hardest but it just gets worser!"
"And if you have an argument and get put in timeout, just try again after your timeout. We just keep trying, right?"
"I know that but I just can't remember it because I'm not four!"

Oh my gosh. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The whole discussion was sweet and a little funny. But he was so so truly sad and worried about this- worried that he would "boss" his friend, or his friend would "boss" him. My heart ached. Sometimes life must seem so overwhelming when you're not four.

I'm sure Tommy was over the whole thing by the time I got to work. But I was emotionally spent before the workday had even started. Sometimes my life feels quite overwhelming. Do you think it's because I'm not 39 yet?

NOT the Christmas card photo

God bless those other two- they just pose as agreeably as can be. I snapped 2 pictures this morning on our way out of the house, because it was just so photo-opportunity perfect with the first snowfall. In the other photo Henry is looking up, but grimacing- looks like he's crying. Sigh.

It's not so much that he doesn't like getting his picture taken (although that is a part of it), but he really seemed freaked out by the snow today- didn't want it touching him. Quite a difference from most kids around here who couldn't wait to get out in it today.

The woman who drove Henry to school in kindergarten used to call him "Prince Henry" because he was just so regal in the way he carried himself and the way he always wanted things just so. He was definitely Prince Henry this morning- the snow is touching my boots! Aaack- the snow is on my neck!

Just in case you're wondering how Henry's day went yesterday (after my morning freak-out), his communication notebook entry for yesterday read:

"Rough day- refused work most of the day. Wouldn't attempt activities in APE and got aggressive with [the APE teacher]. Rest of the day was about the same."

Let's hope for a better day today- the only morning torture was making him get his picture taken :-)

a couple rough Sunday outings

The Sunday before Halloween, we went to "Boo at the Zoo"- kids wear their costumes and get candy at treat stations. We did this last year and had a fun time. This year a new attraction was added: we bought tickets ahead of time to attend lunch with Spiderman!!

I gave it a bit of forethought, just enough to think "I'll have Bill with me, so if Henry doesn't like it, or gets restless, we can separate and each take a kid." This was not enough forethought.

First, we had to wait in line to get in to the event, then more waiting in line to get our lunch (a turkey sandwich and yogurt or madarin oranges- woo hoo!) Luckily, the boys and I left Bill in line out in the hallway and ducked inside the big meeting room just in time for Spiderman to appear. There were probably 150 people at this event, in a big echo-y room. The Spiderman theme music started, and he ran in and started working the room.

Henry was covering his ears, of course, but was smiling and watching. We were at the less-populated back of the room, but Spiderman made his way over to us and headed right for Henry! He said "How ya doin' buddy?" and held out his hand! I prompted, "Henry, can you shake Spiderman's hand?" and Henry managed to do so, letting go of one ear and pressing it to his shoulder, to free up his hand. "Nice to see ya, Henry" Spiderman said, and then tousled Tommy's hair and kept on moving.

Both boys beamed, ear-to-ear. He really talks! They both exclaimed. I was impressed that Spiderman had singled out the kid covering his ears, and picked up on Henry's name.

A photo with Spiderman was included as part of the ticket price. There was also face-painting available. Henry opted for a bat painted on his hand, which I thought was a good compromise. Spiderman also put on a show about safety.

For this show, he asked for volunteers from the audience- kids to act out scenes about crossing the street and not talking to strangers. I want to go up on stage Henry announced. Bill told him to raise his hand. So there Henry sat, covering his ears and raising his hand at the same time.

And felt so ashamed, but I sat there thinking please don't pick him please don't pick him. Isn't that awful? But I didn't think Henry would know what to do if he was chosen. Maybe he would go up there but then another kid would piss him off and he would pinch that kid, or push him, or scream...

And then Spiderman said "OK, how about this Batman over here?" He was talking about a different Batman, but Henry didn't realize, grinned and stood up. My heart cracked right in two at that moment.

Bill and I talked about it later and we had so many conflicting emotions. Bill pointed out that, a year ago or more, Henry wouldn't have been nearly engaged enough in what was happening to even notice that kids were going up to the stage, much less to want to go up too. He wouldn't have even put it together that Spiderman had chosen Batman to help, and he was dressed as Batman.
But, there were all my worries about could Henry handle it if he actually was chosen. I'm ashamed of that now, because none of the kids really got what they were supposed to do up there- it was actually pretty painful to watch. Henry probably would have done fine.

When the show was over, everyone lined up to get their picture taken with Spiderman. This was so ridiculous. Bill and Henry left to walk around the zoo and then Tommy and I did the same. I realized that I could get back in to the event in about half an hour and see how the line looked at that point. So that's what we did, and it worked out perfectly. This "Spiderman" was so great. He really took time to chat with each kid.

He told Tommy that The Thing is one of his friends, and he would tell The Thing that Tommy said "hi" the next time he saw him. (Of course, this led Tommy to believe that The Real Thing was there at the zoo somewhere, and could we find him?)

Henry had a really rough time for the rest of the zoo visit. I was really caught off-guard because we go to the zoo all the time, and it always goes pretty well. We can only figure that this time was too different: daddy was with us, the Spiderman thing was too exciting, we didn't rent a buggy for them to ride in like we usually do...

This being an autism detective is so hard. You have to re-trace your steps and try to figure out what was it that put Henry over the edge?

He just didn't really want to look at anything, or didn't want to stop looking at certain things. This is where I wonder if the buggy facilitates more than I realize. Maybe hopping in the buggy and looking at his zoo map is an important calm transition time between exhibits?
We did have a nice ride on the boats:
And these otters were one attraction that he loved.

But we eventually had to drag him away from them.

If you had been at the zoo that day, here's what you would have seen. Us dragging Henry/Batman behind us while he complained.

I just hate days like this. I feel bad for Henry that he is so dysregulated. Out of whack is the term I used that day. But I also feel bad for Tommy that his holiday outing is messed up too because Henry is out of whack.

The other rough Sunday outing happened this past weekend. Kate and I took the boys to the rec center pool at the University where I work. (Yes, I was quite pleasantly surprised that Kate wanted to come along!) This pool is sooooo fun for kids- we all had a great time.

But then it was time to leave.

And Henry didn't want to leave.

We haven't had a scene like this in quite awhile. So long, in fact, that I'm sure the last time it happened I was able to just carry Henry out of wherever we were. But we can't carry him anymore.

Poor Kate bore the brunt of it, as I was carrying most of our stuff and the little brother wanted to hold my hand. Henry pinched her and pinched her, and kept shouting all the scripted angry lines he could think of:

Are you crazy?

You ran out on me, and I took the blame!

You won't believe me anyway!
It's kind of humorous now, to think about a little 8-year-old shouting You ran out on me, and I took the blame! But it definitely wasn't humorous at the time. Definitely not for the big sister or the little brother. I do the best I can to thank Tommy for being a "good listener" and to explain that Henry has a hard time understanding things, even though he's older, and that that's why Henry gets extra grumpy sometimes. But it just stinks. For Henry too. I wish these transitions didn't have to be so so so so hard for him.

And I started thinking how long until he learns some really mean, foul things to say when he's angry? Then we'll be dragging him through an echoing rec center while he shouts obscenities. It's bound to happen.

As I was telling a friend about the weekend, and about how Henry slept in so late on Saturday, and about how he tripped going up the steps to the bus, she commented that maybe he is growing. I wonder if it could be as simple as that? I hope. I hope.

halloween 2007

Wasn't it weird to be trick-or-treating in broad daylight this year? We made it all the way up our street and back down the other side, so we could enjoy all the spooky lights in darkness by the time we got home, at least.

I only took one picture this year, and didn't feel all giddy like I have on other Halloweens. I don't mean that we didn't have fun, au contraire. It's just that our fun was comfortable and expected. The same fun any old family has on Halloween. As I read others' blogs, I remember the years that Henry didn't get it. And the years that HE FINALLY GOT IT and I was so excited. (Remember the year that I embarrassed him?)
And then there was last year, when I had the biggest fright of my life.

This year was pretty much just a standard Halloween. Everyone loved Henry's costume. So many people sang the nananananananana-Batman! song when they saw him coming, and Henry would cover his ears.

Tommy was The Thing, from the Fantastic Four. The Fantastic Four seem to be a lesser-known gang of super heroes, to the parental generation anyway, so most people didn't know who he was (especially without his mask, which he did not want to wear.) But Tommy was ok with that- most people at least commented on his big strong muscles.

I was pissed off by the one house that was scaring kids. There was a person wearing a scary mask handing out candy, and as the kids walked up the walk another person would release this skeleton bat thing and have it swoop out at the kids. We had seen it, and warned Henry. He wasn't scared at all by the bat, but did need encouragement to keep on walking up to the scary (guy? girl? I don't know) handing out the candy. As he reached the first step, the second person released smoke from a smoke machine right into Henry's face. Well, he didn't like that, and refused to go up any further.

Of course, they'd have no way of knowing my son was autistic, but nonetheless I think they should have saved that scary stuff for the older kids. Henry is 8, but looks like he's about 6, and of course Tommy is even littler. Henry doesn't get scared too easily, and he didn't cry or anything. But as we came back down the other side of the street, he kept a wary eye on that house, and kept repeating "we already went to that house with the skeleton guy. We already went to that house."

Henry was so excited about the other kids' costumes- it was hilarious. He would exclaim over every costume he saw, and point (sometimes inappropriately) right at the child. "There's supergirl! There's Mr. Incredible!" The funniest thing was when a favorite-costumed child (like supergirl) would fall into step behind us. Henry would come back down every walk, saying "Thank you, Happy Halloween" and then shriek "there's supergirl!" Right- you already pointed her out at the last 3 houses!

One of Henry's favorite things to ask is "what's your favorite holiday?" and then "what's your second favorite holiday?" I always answer Christmas first, but I'll tell you- the longer I'm a mom, the more Halloween is sneaking up on that favorite spot.

thanks for nothing, global warming

Monday was Thomas' first-ever field trip! To the pumpkin patch! I was so excited to go along! It was hot as hell!

Seriously, it was like 80 degrees when we got there at 9:30 in the morning. I was sweating from my stupid green tea latte and besides the bees were swarming around it, so I just dumped it out.

We didn't linger long over the donut and apple juice they included with our admission because the bees were so bad. But the kids had a lot of fun in this cute "scarecrow cave" maze that was just their size:

The barn full of hay bales and slides was fun too (except that I lost my sunglasses).

What would my grandpa say if he knew you could charge people money to let their kids climb around on bales of hay??!! Brilliant!

Another first for us was using the port-o-potty. I don't think I've ever taken Henry in one of those, so this was my first time realizing that a little boy can use a different area of the facility, if you get my meaning. Thomas was very entertained by this also.

I guess it's a bad year for pumpkins, so instead of actually riding out into the field to pick a pumpkin, we were just funneled into this fenced area and picked a pumpkin from a pile. Then we climbed into the wagon with our pumpkins to bake in the sun as we rode through the fields to the parking lot. As you can see, Thomas was not nearly as irritated by the heat as I was:

The trip was actually very fun. I didn't became really bitter until the last leg. We left our pumpkin in the car and returned to do all the fun stuff one more time. That's when I lost my son.

He went into that cute little maze again and I swear I was standing there watching for him the whole time. Other kids came and went and then I realized that I hadn't seen or heard from Thomas in a little while. I started calling his name louder and louder and the teachers asked what color shirt he was wearing... after maybe five minutes, one of the other moms said "there he is", and sure enough, here came Tommy, casually sauntering across the lawn.

(I didn't even notice until we were leaving that there was a pond on this property too. Thank God I didn't know that at the time I couldn't find him!)

If you'll look back at my Easter post, you'll see that the weather was unseasonable for that seasonal outing also, so I guess we're par for the course this year.
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Today was the darkest of days for my youngest son, for it was the first day he was required to wear... wait for it... are you sitting down?... long pants. Noooooooo!

I'm being a smartass, but really, he is completely traumatized by this. That's why last year I let him wear shorts almost every day of the winter. We would wear pants for the trip to L's house and bring shorts along to change. But this year he has preschool and I can't have him changing his clothes back and forth all day long. He needs to learn that there are rules of propriety in our society.

But wow, I really feel terrible enforcing these rules sometimes! He threw a major tantrum this morning.

Side note: I was really proud of Henry at this point. He got up from the table where he was eating his breakfast and said "I want to go upstairs for a little while." I objected "But the bus will be here soon." Henry explained "I want to get away from Tommy." I told him that was a terrific way of handling a situation- rather than shoving/pinching/screaming at Tommy. Moving away from something that bothers you is a great solution. So we sat out front and waited for the school bus. But I could still hear the little brother crying and crying inside the house.
During the course of his crying fit, Tommy also told me that he doesn't want to go to school, doesn't like school, and is shy there. He tells me this all the time: that he is shy at school. Most people (the teachers, L, Bill) kind of roll their eyes at this (because this boy is definitely NOT shy. Not with adults anyway). But Tommy says it often enough that it worries me a bit. Today I tried to suggest to him that he could play with some other kids in his class, and he replied "no- I'm too shy! When the other kids talk to me I'm too shy because I don't know them!"

I can't be sure whether he was over-dramatizing this because he was already upset about the pants. But I'd appreciate tips from any of you who've been through this with a shy kid. Or a kid who hates to wear certain articles of clothing.