a couple rough Sunday outings

The Sunday before Halloween, we went to "Boo at the Zoo"- kids wear their costumes and get candy at treat stations. We did this last year and had a fun time. This year a new attraction was added: we bought tickets ahead of time to attend lunch with Spiderman!!

I gave it a bit of forethought, just enough to think "I'll have Bill with me, so if Henry doesn't like it, or gets restless, we can separate and each take a kid." This was not enough forethought.

First, we had to wait in line to get in to the event, then more waiting in line to get our lunch (a turkey sandwich and yogurt or madarin oranges- woo hoo!) Luckily, the boys and I left Bill in line out in the hallway and ducked inside the big meeting room just in time for Spiderman to appear. There were probably 150 people at this event, in a big echo-y room. The Spiderman theme music started, and he ran in and started working the room.

Henry was covering his ears, of course, but was smiling and watching. We were at the less-populated back of the room, but Spiderman made his way over to us and headed right for Henry! He said "How ya doin' buddy?" and held out his hand! I prompted, "Henry, can you shake Spiderman's hand?" and Henry managed to do so, letting go of one ear and pressing it to his shoulder, to free up his hand. "Nice to see ya, Henry" Spiderman said, and then tousled Tommy's hair and kept on moving.

Both boys beamed, ear-to-ear. He really talks! They both exclaimed. I was impressed that Spiderman had singled out the kid covering his ears, and picked up on Henry's name.

A photo with Spiderman was included as part of the ticket price. There was also face-painting available. Henry opted for a bat painted on his hand, which I thought was a good compromise. Spiderman also put on a show about safety.

For this show, he asked for volunteers from the audience- kids to act out scenes about crossing the street and not talking to strangers. I want to go up on stage Henry announced. Bill told him to raise his hand. So there Henry sat, covering his ears and raising his hand at the same time.

And felt so ashamed, but I sat there thinking please don't pick him please don't pick him. Isn't that awful? But I didn't think Henry would know what to do if he was chosen. Maybe he would go up there but then another kid would piss him off and he would pinch that kid, or push him, or scream...

And then Spiderman said "OK, how about this Batman over here?" He was talking about a different Batman, but Henry didn't realize, grinned and stood up. My heart cracked right in two at that moment.

Bill and I talked about it later and we had so many conflicting emotions. Bill pointed out that, a year ago or more, Henry wouldn't have been nearly engaged enough in what was happening to even notice that kids were going up to the stage, much less to want to go up too. He wouldn't have even put it together that Spiderman had chosen Batman to help, and he was dressed as Batman.
But, there were all my worries about could Henry handle it if he actually was chosen. I'm ashamed of that now, because none of the kids really got what they were supposed to do up there- it was actually pretty painful to watch. Henry probably would have done fine.

When the show was over, everyone lined up to get their picture taken with Spiderman. This was so ridiculous. Bill and Henry left to walk around the zoo and then Tommy and I did the same. I realized that I could get back in to the event in about half an hour and see how the line looked at that point. So that's what we did, and it worked out perfectly. This "Spiderman" was so great. He really took time to chat with each kid.

He told Tommy that The Thing is one of his friends, and he would tell The Thing that Tommy said "hi" the next time he saw him. (Of course, this led Tommy to believe that The Real Thing was there at the zoo somewhere, and could we find him?)

Henry had a really rough time for the rest of the zoo visit. I was really caught off-guard because we go to the zoo all the time, and it always goes pretty well. We can only figure that this time was too different: daddy was with us, the Spiderman thing was too exciting, we didn't rent a buggy for them to ride in like we usually do...

This being an autism detective is so hard. You have to re-trace your steps and try to figure out what was it that put Henry over the edge?

He just didn't really want to look at anything, or didn't want to stop looking at certain things. This is where I wonder if the buggy facilitates more than I realize. Maybe hopping in the buggy and looking at his zoo map is an important calm transition time between exhibits?
We did have a nice ride on the boats:
And these otters were one attraction that he loved.

But we eventually had to drag him away from them.

If you had been at the zoo that day, here's what you would have seen. Us dragging Henry/Batman behind us while he complained.

I just hate days like this. I feel bad for Henry that he is so dysregulated. Out of whack is the term I used that day. But I also feel bad for Tommy that his holiday outing is messed up too because Henry is out of whack.

The other rough Sunday outing happened this past weekend. Kate and I took the boys to the rec center pool at the University where I work. (Yes, I was quite pleasantly surprised that Kate wanted to come along!) This pool is sooooo fun for kids- we all had a great time.

But then it was time to leave.

And Henry didn't want to leave.

We haven't had a scene like this in quite awhile. So long, in fact, that I'm sure the last time it happened I was able to just carry Henry out of wherever we were. But we can't carry him anymore.

Poor Kate bore the brunt of it, as I was carrying most of our stuff and the little brother wanted to hold my hand. Henry pinched her and pinched her, and kept shouting all the scripted angry lines he could think of:

Are you crazy?

You ran out on me, and I took the blame!

You won't believe me anyway!
It's kind of humorous now, to think about a little 8-year-old shouting You ran out on me, and I took the blame! But it definitely wasn't humorous at the time. Definitely not for the big sister or the little brother. I do the best I can to thank Tommy for being a "good listener" and to explain that Henry has a hard time understanding things, even though he's older, and that that's why Henry gets extra grumpy sometimes. But it just stinks. For Henry too. I wish these transitions didn't have to be so so so so hard for him.

And I started thinking how long until he learns some really mean, foul things to say when he's angry? Then we'll be dragging him through an echoing rec center while he shouts obscenities. It's bound to happen.

As I was telling a friend about the weekend, and about how Henry slept in so late on Saturday, and about how he tripped going up the steps to the bus, she commented that maybe he is growing. I wonder if it could be as simple as that? I hope. I hope.