the bad fairy

Henry's first loose tooth came out on Dec. 23rd. Bill noticed that it was gone after dinner that night, and asked Henry about it:

"Henry! Did your tooth come out?"

"Yes."

"Well where is it?"

"It's on the table."

Except it wasn't on the table, or on the floor, or anywhere else in the house. Bill and I searched for quite awhile, and all we found were LOTS of little white crumbs that could resemble a baby tooth until you squeezed them and they crumbled into even smaller crumbs.

We think he must have swallowed it.

So that was disappointment number one. Despite talking about it for weeks, Henry didn't notice or care when his first loose tooth finally left him.

(Sidebar: baby Henry got his first tooth over Memorial Day weekend, 2000. He was 9 months old and we were visiting my brothers in Chicago. Henry cried and slept a lot all weekend, and voila, a tooth appeared.)

If Henry were a typical kid (well, he probably would have kept track of the tooth, for one thing). But, if he were a typical kid and had misplaced the tooth, he probably would have been distraught about the tooth fairy- will she still bring me some money, without the tooth under my pillow?!

I intended to slip some money under the pillow and say that the tooth fairy magically knows when you've lost a tooth, even if there's no physical evidence.

But the next day was Christmas Eve, and Henry never mentioned the tooth or the tooth fairy. So I just dropped it. I had other fantasy night visitors to worry about: Santa and the reindeer.

I told a few co-workers about this, and they acted like I'm violating some kind of mommy law.

I feel this tug-of-war: should I try to force my autistic child to do "normal" kid stuff, like get really freaked out about the tooth fairy? Or, if he doesn't care, is it ok for me to not care? Am I taking advantage of his autism to get out of doing my mommy duty?

Last night (5 days after the loss of the tooth) I suggested writing a note to the tooth fairy ("Dear Tooth Fairy, My tooth came out on Saturday, but I can't find it. From Henry"). Henry's attitude was basically "if you want to do that mom, knock yourself out." I stuck a $5 bill under his pillow this morning, but he didn't notice it.

So who are all these fairy tales for, anyway?

some christmas pictures

First I have to say that you may notice a predominance of Thomas photos lately, vs. Henry photos. That's because Henry has become camera-shy lately and puts his head down, celebrity-like, whenever the camera comes out.

We had a great holiday weekend. Both boys helped me make some cookies:

Daddy came through and helped Santa find the Dog Magic Wand on Christmas eve. It turns out that this thing comes with disks that shoot out through voice activation. Pretty fun for little boys, daddies, and even Grandpas:

We didn't even open ALL the gifts, because we will have another Christmas with Kate when she comes back from her mom's house.

Bill got me a beautiful "mother's necklace" with birthstones for all three children. I got him a "weather monitor" from Brookstone.

I took Henry to his swimming lesson yesterday, which I haven't done in several months- it's daddy's thing. (But daddy is out of town this week.) Henry has had a new swimming instructor since September, whom I had never met.

His previous teacher was very nurturing, soft-spoken, and kind. This teacher seemed kind also, but stern and very by-the-book.

Henry got in the pool and she asked him to name "2 pool rules". He said "don't run" and "have fun."

They then proceeded to work hard for the next half hour. She had him swimming on his front and back, treading water, jumping in, and gathering rings from the bottom of the pool. I grew more and more amazed as the time went on. With his previous teacher, he would ask to do different things, or try to negotiate with her, and he would often ask if they were finished. With this instructor, he did everything she said- no questions, no protests.

They tread water in the deep end and he would slowly slip under the water. She would just stand there and say "head up, Henry", and eventually he would come back up! Then she told him to climb out. He paddled over to the edge and heaved himself out. Henry has never had much upper body strength, so I was impressed with that effort! He jumped in, and she told him to do it again. He paddled over to the edge, and asked for help. She stood her ground and said "you did it once, you can do it again". I was getting pretty edgy at this point- ready to shout "just help him, for God's sake! He can't do it!" But she was firm and patient and Henry eventually did it!

When he got out of the pool, I told him that it was the best swimming lesson I'd ever seen, and that I was so proud of how much work he did and what a good listener he had been.

Definitely a lesson learned for me: wimpy and nurturing does not do as much good for my son as firm and steadfast.

I used to just be happy that he was getting some exercise and feeling comfortable in the water. But after yesterday, I am actually thinking he'll become a very capable swimmer.
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We went to Kate's basketball game last night (her team won). It's not easy to do with just one adult, but I kept the boys eating concession stand food (Henry was awfully hungry after all that swimming), and we made it through the whole game.

At one point Thomas was climbing around on the bleachers, and hopped across in front of Henry and then back again. I knew that this would bug Henry, and Henry would do something.

As Thomas came back in front of him, Henry stuck out his foot to trip him.

Tommy fell and cried, probably LOUDER than necessary. I gave Henry a very angry look and hissed "I saw what you did. That is not ok! You can't hurt your brother."

After Thomas stopped crying (he wasn't hurt), Henry came over to me looking strangely defiant and sad at the same time. Gazing right into my eyes, he reached over and pinched my cheek.

This happens often. I think that Henry feels sorry for what he did, and mad at me for scolding him, all at the same time. I'm never quite sure how to handle it. The incident was past, and Thomas was fine, so I said "it's ok, Henry", and tried to hug him. He shouted "NO OK!" and his lip quivered.

He sat down by me and calmed down pretty quickly. I understand why he tripped Tommy. The little brother was being irritating. The part that's tricky is that Henry is so sensitive to being scolded. And maybe doesn't have the language ability to say "well, he was bugging me because he kept bumping into me and I couldn't see the game..."

And then there's the fact that Tommy does these things purposely to get a rise out of Henry and get him in trouble. They're such typical brothers... and yet not typical.

good gift idea and the dog magic wand

You already know that I'm in love with Henry's bus driver. Well, she just keeps getting more perfect. Look what she gave him for Christmas:

It's a "Bop Bag". The intention is that you punch the bag, it falls down, and then pops back up. But Henry loves to wrestle it and roll around on the floor with it. I am thinking/hoping that it will really meet some of his sensory needs. Maybe the ones that he now meets by wanting to "rough house" a lot.

It's been a great initiator to get him to just move his body. The only problem is that both boys fight over this toy. But I ask you: what toy DON'T they fight over?

The same day I posted about "what the hell is a dog magic wand?" The answer was given to me!

Henry had made a stocking at school, and cut out pictures to glue on it. As we were admiring all his artwork, Thomas said "and there is the dog magic wand!" It turns out to be (I should have known) a Power Ranger thing. A sort of scepter with an animal face at the top. What luck that Henry had cut out a picture! Now all I have to do is find one. Surely they'll have it at Toys R Us?

the season

I don't feel as manic this holiday season as I sometimes do. Other years I've been driven to try to get Henry to make a gift for his teachers (this translates into Henry being frustrated and me doing all the work) and/or bake something for them.

This year I just bought them some pretty candles at Bath and Body Works.

Other years I've felt driven to bake Christmas cookies. This year I am not feeling that urge. Maybe, if we have time Christmas weekend or the following, we'll do that. Why do I make myself a stressful agenda every year that no one cares about but me?? It's not like I need to eat the cookies!

Almost all my shopping is done, but I haven't even attempted to take the Christmas card photo yet. I am tempted to just skip Christmas cards altogether this year, but then I worry that distant friends will think that I didn't send them a card in particular. They won't know that I didn't send anyone a card...

Tommy enjoyed decorating the tree this year (Henry didn't want any part of decorating it, although he likes to admire the tree). Notice that Thomas tends to hang all his ornaments in the same general area:

Also, please notice that, in addition to his Batman pajama top, he is wearing jeans with elastic ankles, pulled up to his knees to resemble shorts (or "big pants").

Our homework assignment this week for Henry's class was to list some holiday activities our family enjoys, for them to discuss in class. Then Henry was supposed to "write a sentence and draw a picture" about one of the activities:

We like to bake cookies and banana bread together. I'm not sure what the picture is supposed to depict, and I never want to ask him- I feel like he will be offended that I can't tell what it is. He drew a circle (a bowl?) and then a series of half-circle-type shapes (bananas?). He made the first B, I wrote the rest of that word, and then he wrote BRED on his own.

Yesterday Henry's class went on a field trip to see Santa and shop for their families at the dollar store:

Henry told Santa that he wants The Fox and the Hound II DVD for Christmas. No problem. I would like to take Tommy to see Santa Claus, except that he plans to ask for "a dog magic wand". I have no idea what in the hell that is. I hope the elves know how to make one.

another A word

Like my friend Salome, my mind makes bizarre connections. They come without warning and won't leave when I tell them to.

The funeral on Friday was nice- I mean, as nice as a funeral can be. As one of my aunts said, my uncle gave us a gift in that we all were able to see one another to remember him. I don't think I've seen any of these aunts, uncles, or cousins, since at least my wedding (9.5 years ago) and longer, for those who weren't able to attend my wedding.

There were hugs and hand-holding and exclamations over how much Thomas looks like me and my brothers when we were small. Dad and I looked through the photo album together and I heard some great stories.

Dad is the youngest of 11 children. His mother suffered from Alzheimer's Disease, as did this brother who just passed away. A sister was unable to attend the funeral because she is in the advancing stages of the disease.

This is the same side of the family that we have suspected to carry autistic traits. Autism and Alzheimer's. Two brain conditions which make it difficult to communicate- difficult to relate to the world around you and the people who love you.

I'll just stop there, because I don't really know what point I'm trying to make. I am NOT saying that Autism is a disease. And I'm not saying that the blessing of having an autistic person in your life is in any way comparable to having a loved one suffer from Alzheimer's. And I'm sure that someone will tell me off for even mentioning these two conditions in the same paragraph.

I'm just saying that these two "A" words collided in my life and in my brain last week, and I'm trying to sort it out.

I'm not scared of autism anymore. Haven't been for years. But I am scared of Alzheimer's Disease.

mostly shitty week

It turns out there's a full moon this week.

Monday I had to have a cavity filled. I'm not usually afraid of the dentist, but maybe I should be. Maybe it's been several years since I've had a filling and they've made their drills LOUDER and SLOWER to drill since then. I was initially told that it was a small cavity. But after drilling for 10 minutes the dentist said "well, I'm glad we got that one. It was deeper than I thought. You might have some sensitivity in that tooth for a while."

Tuesday someone must have slipped some speed in my coffee. I decided to do some Christmas shopping AND grocery shopping on my lunch hour. This entails bringing all the refrigerated stuff into the office kitchen and then taking it back home at the end of the day. I also decided to take both boys to Kate's basketball game by myself.

Bill and Kate had games at the same time, and after our success last week, I thought this would be easy. Hello? Why, exactly, did I think that? Yes, we sat through Kate's games last week. But Bill was with me at both games, and Tommy's godmother was with us at another. Gosh, that's a higher kid/adult ratio than 2:1.

Needless to say, it went terribly. For one thing, we weren't allowed to eat in this school's gym. Food from the concession stand is a sure-fire way to get the boys to sit still. Instead, they ate in the hall outside and I watched through the gym door. Until, that is, I turned around to see Henry dragging his brother down the hall. They do this irritating brother thing where Tommy bugs Henry until Henry grabs him and then Tommy screams and whines and then I break them up and then they go right back for more.

Henry's awesome bus driver (she greeted him on Monday with some ads from the newspaper- he LOVES those- how did she know?!) had driven the basketball team's bus that night. She came over and tried to talk to us, and Henry's behavior just got worse and worse. I don't know if he was showing off for her, or was freaked out to see her in a different place... Whatever it was, he and Tommy tormented one another for another 20 minutes or so, and then we left. I lectured them all the way home. (And then needed to unload the groceries that had been in the van for hours.)

I snapped at Bill when he got home, telling him that we were having a bad night and the boys were in trouble. So that put him in a shitty mood right there with me. Then, when I tried to tell him about what had happened, I got all dramatic about "every other family goes to these games and watches and why can't we just do that like a normal family?!" He gave me the look that I usually give other people (the "you are the biggest idiot I know" look) and said "we aren't a normal family."

I forgot to mention here that while I was running my errands at lunchtime, my dad called to tell me that one of his brothers had passed away. Dad comes from a very large family, but I knew this uncle a little better than some of the others. One of my brothers has his middle name. He was a Lutheran minister and has a daughter my age that I spent time with in the summers. He had been sick with Alzheimer's for years, so it is one of those situations where the family has been grieving for him for a long time. What a horrific disease.

This news was not a surprise, but sad nonetheless.

The final straw in my day, oddly enough, was when a friend called to tell me that she had to have her dog put to sleep.

Man, what a rough night. I wanted to blog about it right then, but our computer wouldn't boot up and then gave me an error message and then I decided to download some virus protection software instead of blogging...

The next morning (Wednesday) Henry woke up with a fever. It turned out that he had an ear infection! I was actually relieved, because I thought maybe that explained why he was being so "bad" the night before.

Today I am attending my uncle's funeral service.

But I wanted to end on a positive note:

Henry has been putting his fingers in his mouth all week, and saying his mouth "itched". I finally looked in there last night, and his two front teeth are coming in, behind the baby teeth!!! How exciting! I can remember the same thing happening with Kate- her saying that her teeth felt funny, me looking in there and screeching with excitement about the big teeth! What a big boy Henry is.

And best of all, here's what his notebook said yesterday:

12-7 Great Day! Henry was in a good mood - did all assignments without asking for help! Went to first grade and could answer all the questions about words, and won word bingo!
Super Day - didn't have to remind him of the rules once.

I sure let Henry know how proud I was of him! Funny what a change an antibiotic can make, eh?

Have a good weekend.

random thoughts

I started throwing down some random thoughts this week and will try to elaborate on as many as I can before Thomas wakes up from his nap!

1. We went to Kate's first home basketball game this week and I was so pleased because we were all able to stay for the entire game. When Henry got fidgety, he would lay on the bleacher with his head in my lap and watch the clock count down. When he was watching the game, he would echo everything his father shouted. This was appropriate when Bill shouted "nice pass", for example. More amusing when Bill shouted "box out!" or "traveling!"

Both boys liked watching the cheerleaders, and the mascot (a lion) was even in attendance. Henry didn't care much for the mascot, but Tommy gave him/her five a few times.

The band came in before the Varsity game, and both boys REALLY enjoyed that as well.

2. Thomas has been a challenge this week. He still enjoys wearing costumes, but since Halloween, has now refined his interest to always wanting his lower legs exposed. He always wants to wear shorts. But he calls them "big pants" which took me awhile to decipher:

me: Why don't you wear these red pants today?

Tommy: Are they big?

me: Umm, yes, they are long pants.

Tommy (trying them on): Ooooooh, these are not big pants!!! (Many, many tears)

You might think that one could roll ones pants up in this situation. But then there is the dreaded danger that they might come unrolled at any moment. This would result in a panicked shriek: "ooooh, these are falling doooown!"

I am just caught a bit off guard by this compulsive behavior. I've heard of little girls who will wear only dresses, etc. But a boy who will only wear shorts? A very wise friend hypothesized that this has to do with his love of superheroes. Although they don't wear shorts, most of them wear tights, which reveal all the curves of their legs. My friend thinks Tommy feels he must expose the muscles in his legs at all times.

His logic can be quite amusing:

me: lets put on your pull-up for bedtime.

Thomas: weeewl (well), Batman doesn't wear a pull-up.

me (thinking that Batman also doesn't wear shorts in December): well, he did when he was 2.
The funniest thing happened Friday night- I got this bright idea that if Tommy picked out some of his own long pants, maybe he'd be more willing to wear them. (Most of his clothes are Henry hand-me-downs, and of all Henry's quirks, he has never cared about how he dressed.)
So we went to Old Navy to find some "cool clothes". He wandered around until he found a pair of 0-3 month size girls' khaki pants. "Here are some big pants!" he shouted. I told him several times (pointing to the label, as if he could read it!) that these were baby pants, and they wouldn't fit him.
He would not be persuaded, so I said "ok, let's try them on." I figured that the only way he would give up on those pants would be to see that they didn't fit. So he took off his shoes and pants, right there in the aisle, and tried the baby girl khakis on.
They fit.
They were skintight and flared a bit at the knee, and I laughed my ass off. I made a vow to carry my camera with me at all times, because this was too good to not share.
So then came the tantrum, when I made him take off these awesome "big" pants, that fit just right.
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Well, I only got through 2 topics, but it's time to put up the Christmas tree...