how about some lists?

Sorry, but some days it's all I can muster...

bad:
-I was only able to take one day off last week to have "spring break" with the boys
good:
-They did fun stuff as usual with their babysitter, so I'm the only one who feels like I missed out. Bonus- today when Henry went back to school, Tommy said "oh, but now I have to go to L's by myself." He really likes having his brother with him.

bad:
-The day I did take off was rainy and cool, so we went to the science center rather than the zoo.
-Also, every other family in the state went to the science center that day.
good:
-The boys were amazingly patient when we had to wait in all those lines.
-We still got to go to the zoo, on Saturday.

bad:
-At the science center Henry was obsessing about something or another and tugging on my hand throughout the "Goosebumps" exhibit- the one Tommy was really interested in. I feel like we scooted out of there and Tommy got short-changed.
good:
-Tommy recited every word I had told him about the exhibit after we got home. He was really paying attention and really into it.
-We watched the 3D "extreme screen" movie and it was super cool.

bad:
-Pajama pants worn at the zoo don't block the cold breeze very well and may induce much whining and complaining in their 4-year-old wearer.
good:
-Binoculars can make you forget your cold legs.
-Tommy loved pretending he was a scientist, studying animals with his binoculars. L takes them to programs at the metroparks, so he has learned that "scat" is the scientists' word for "poop" and that it can be studied. Every 4-year-old boy should know this.

bad:
-Tommy fell asleep on the way home from the zoo (at 5:30) and didn't wake up until 5:30 the next morning.
-He was not awake to appreciate the face painting we got right before we left, and instead left much of the paint on his pillow and then my pillow.
good:
-Because he was asleep so early, it was easier for me to talk to my high school friend who called that night.

easter

I thought I had everything I needed for the Easter baskets. Then, on Friday, we were talking about Easter coming up, and Henry piped up with "the Easter Bunny will bring me a book about animals!"

He will, huh?

So, a dutiful mother, I ran out on Saturday to get a book about animals (I mean, one more book about animals, as we already have at least a dozen.)
Henry was happy with this one, and scampered off into a corner to look at it. His brother tried to get him interested in the Legos and moon sand in their baskets, but Henry was all about the book.
But a little while later, the truth came out: "It was a sticker book."
"The book about animals that you wanted was a sticker book?"
"Yes."
"...well, the Easter Bunny must not have known that. Did you see a sticker book you wanted somewhere?"
"At the mall."

They had taken a class community skills trip to the mall and he must have seen the book there. Oh well, the Bunny gets an A for effort.
(This child, the one who always wants to wear shorts and short-sleeved shirts, now doesn't even want to wear a shirt at all!)

We had a nice day of treats, coloring eggs, visits from family and friends, and some yummy food. The only element missing was church, which we really need to get back to.* Bill told the boys the Easter story, and offered to read it out of the children's Bible. Henry got kind of agitated and started asking for "the Jesus books". We told him that we didn't have any Easter books, and that all the Christmas books were put away.

Well, you know what happened: I ended up going down in the basement, pulling out all the bins of Christmas decorations, and finding the Christmas story books for Henry! Even though the Easter story has a happy ending, I can't blame Henry for preferring the "baby born in a barn" story to the "man tortured until he dies" story. Can you?

The timing was just perfect when I got Henry out of the bath Saturday night; the sun was setting and shining right in the bathroom window.

Henry glanced out the window and then smiled, mesmerized by the sun. "The sun is setting," he said. The moment was so perfect- my son stopping to show me something I had been too distracted to see for myself. I had to run and grab the camera (as he stood there, shivering). And then, of course, I couldn't get a shot with his eyes open.

-Last Monday morning, as I was watching the list of school closings, I noticed the name of the private autism school in our area. That got me thinking, just a little.

-Later that day, I read this post about a Dream School. That got me thinking just a little more.

-Thursday morning I called the autism school and left a message asking if we were still on their waiting list.

-Thursday at noon we had our MFE and IEP meetings. I summed the meetings up to my mom (and hopefully didn't offend her) by saying "I felt like I was sitting at a table with 10 of you." What I meant by that was; almost everyone around the table seemed smitten by Henry. They are all charmed by his intelligence and his messy blond hair and his smallness. They go on and on about all the things he can do well.

Now, there are a lot of things he can do well, as you readers know, because I brag about them here all the time. And I'm certainly not suggesting that the specialists at Henry's school should bombard me with the things he doesn't do well! I think I am just getting the feeling that no one is challenging him, aside from his main teacher. And, because she challenges him, he exhibits behaviors with her that no one else sees, and these behaviors prevent her from being able to get farther with him. See the cycle?

When he was 6, it was enough that he could function in a classroom and get something out of his day. But now I feel like we need to have bigger-picture goals, and instead of trying to get this kid to fit in to a regular-ed classroom by 4th grade (which seems to be the aim of the program), we should be building upon his interests and helping him blossom.

Rather than wringing our hands because his math ability is below grade level, I'd like to see someone say "wow, Henry shows a lot of interest in Paris/the Presidents/Big Cats. Let's have him do a research project on that." Of course, we still need to focus on the math, but not at a detriment to his other skills.

I know, I'm living in a dream world. Or a homeschool world :-)

-Thursday night during Thomas' gymnastics class, I struck up a conversation with the aide of an autistic girl. (I've noticed them for weeks. Why was it this week that I decided to approach them?) I asked the girl's age and told the aide about Henry. "I'm a special ed teacher," she said, "I teach at a school called [autism school I called that day]." I told her that I was hoping to still be on their waiting list. The young woman asked me my name and Henry's, and said that she would ask someone about us. She seemed like a neat young woman (I mean, she teaches all day and then works with the kids in the evenings too) and it just seemed, to quote Drama Mama, serendipitous.

-Someone from the autism school called me back Friday, and said that we are "second on the waiting list for our birth year", so it was a "realistic possibility" that we would be getting a call for an interview.

Without having visited the school (they won't do that until you're called for an interview), it's too soon to say if this is something I hope for. But it is nice to have options. And I feel like Bill and I are getting a better idea of what we want for our son, rather than just having the other experts tell us what we should want for him.

The current situation is good. I know that we are lucky. But it's not the best. And why not be hoping for the best?

last post on the judicial system

My fellow jurors reached a verdict yesterday, and I feel compelled to write one more post about jury duty. I would not have traded this experience. It was not only educational, it actually has renewed my faith in people.

That might surprise you, if you consider that I spent 4 weeks listening to details of fraud and egos run amuck. But, as the judge told us during jury selection, the system really does work. It does. And that gives me comfort.
And the regular folks who were chosen for the jury were really good people- all 15 of us. Yeah, I got bugged by being shut up in a room with them all day every day. But here's what struck me: the difference in my colleagues between jury instruction Tuesday afternoon and announcing the verdict yesterday.
I stood with one of the alternates and the jury deputy as the jurors filed in to a packed courtroom. Those 11 hours of deliberating had really taken a toll- each one looked as if he/she were ready to cry or vomit.
The alternate and I were able to go into the jury room after the verdicts had been read on each of the 26 counts, the jury had been polled, and then dismissed. My neighbors in the jury box throughout the trial each hugged me. One of them started to cry. She was one of two women who were put up in a hotel during the week because their commutes were so far. The other out-of-towner started crying too. "Gretchen, would your verdict have been the same? Would it?"
I assured them that it would have been. I hope the defendants in this trial realize how seriously these jurors took their responsibility.
We exchanged e-mail addresses and good wishes- I will very likely never talk to any of these folks again, but I feel glad to have met them. From juror #1 who collects guns to juror #15 who's a vegan to juror #3 who drove in every morning from her hometown with only one traffic light, they were all good citizens.

manic and love to the homeschoolers

When will I learn that drinking a larger size coffee doesn't make my brain work better? It only makes it work faster and more maniac-ly (not taking the time to figure out if that's a real word or not. See what I mean?)

Some things I'm thinking about this week:

-Should I investigate the autism school in our area? The one that we looked into back when Henry was 4 and didn't have a diagnosis yet. He's doing pretty well in our public school so far, but his success seems completely hinged on Mrs. C pulling the right tricks. On days she is out sick or because her children have a snowday (as has happened A LOT in the past month), half of his progress flies out the window and has to be re-built. How great would it be if the whole school were full of teachers who get it?

Henry has been having more 3-star days than 5-star for the past few weeks. Nearly every day he says he "feels sick" and should stay home from school. When I try to press him further on what feels sick, he (as has been the case for his whole life) cannot tell me. So I have been ignoring it.

His eating has become even more particular- he won't eat pasta and sauce anymore and I have resorted to trying different sauces and different shapes of pasta (he always asks for "the seashell kind".)

It seems like something is up. His teacher has not been sending homework home regularly either for the past few weeks, making it hard for us to keep a routine at home. Perhaps she is just very busy right now with IEPs, etc. But, again, I'd love it if my son could be in an environment where everything does not rely on ONE teacher.

-Henry has been asking to "sleep longer in your bed", meaning he wants to fall asleep in our bed and stay there. He never ever did this as a younger child, it is relatively new, and again makes me wonder what is up.

-What will Henry do this summer? Let's search the internet... Here's a super-cool looking program right near our house, but it costs twice as much a week as the Easter Seals program he's attended in the past. I wonder if there is funding out there that Henry could qualify for? Where would I look? Who would I ask? I'll add it to my to-do list.

It seems like my to-do list is always growing. I know that's true with everyone.

I'm not sure what's bringing on this frenzy. Could be the closing of the jury duty chapter in my life. Could be the impending IEP meeting. Could be the house-cleaning I attempted this weekend. Could be the feeling that winter will be ending soon and spring is coming. Could be the realization that my high school senior (pictured above enjoying the snow) is getting ready to graduate soon.

Operation Forced Independence was fairly successful this weekend. I seem to be the only one for whom this is a big deal. I hadn't even told Bill of my Big Plan, but when Henry asked for sausage for dinner Friday night, I proclaimed "you can learn to make it yourself!" Bill didn't miss a beat, but walked Henry through how to open up the package and put the sausage links in the microwave. Kinda makes me think Bill's been trying to do this for awhile.

Saturday Henry made himself some sausage again (the kid will eat pork sausage links for every meal) and some waffles in the toaster. He didn't eat the waffles, though. (I feel that way sometimes, that a meal just isn't as good if I have to make it myself.) He also spooned out some mixed fruit for himself (pictured above).

Sunday he asked for waffles and I told him to come in the kitchen and we'd make them together. At that he changed his mind and said he wanted cereal with milk. I made him help with that also, but I guess it's a little less involved. And he can still see the tv while pouring cereal and milk.

I have had him get out his own pajamas and put them on by himself every night, and attempted to show him how to run his own bath Sunday night. I made a better effort to have him clean up one thing before getting out another. This is a never-ending battle with a kid who likes to have 3 puzzles out at once and all the prints and books related to a certain move spread out around him at any given time.

He didn't really protest too much at any of this, and I think this will need to be a new state of mind for all of us.

One note I do need to make to Kyra and all you other brave homeschoolers: I don't think my son would respond to this direction as easily if his teachers hadn't already "broken him in" for me. He has learned a lot of "if/then" instruction from school, and a lot of "you can do it by yourself".

Heck, I would still be helping him go to the bathroom if he hadn't gone off to kindergarten and I realized that his teacher probably doesn't pull down his pants for him and put him on the toilet! I'm not kidding, that was a huge realization for me.

I am a big big believer in getting help and advice from as many good sources as I can (this blog being just one example of that.) I have learned so much from friends, family, teachers and childcare providers who have shared their wisdom and philosophies with me.

Given all this reliance on others to help me, I am simply awestruck by homeschooling moms. Of course I hope that you have a good support network of other adults and professionals just as I do. But your day-to-day contact with them has to be minimal when you're down in the trenches teaching an oppositional child how to read or write or add.

extremely low

As I mentioned, Henry's IEP (Individual Education Plan) annual review meeting is scheduled for next week. In our district (state? county? I don't know who makes these rules) he is due for re-evaluation every three years. In yesterday's mail we received a draft copy of the MFE (MultiFactored Evaluation) team report for our review before the meeting.

The report did not hold many surprises. Henry tested "average" overall for his reading and writing abilities, "well below average" for his math abilities.

It appears that the school psychologist's classroom observation was on a 5-star day, as no behavioral problems were noted. Henry was observed while doing a spelling activity in the regular 2nd-grade class, and versions of the word "appropriate" were used several times in the summary. (It should be noted that Henry's aide was with him the entire time, as she always is).

One amusing bit of the report was the description of the psychologist's "assessment and interview" of Henry. It was generally quite positive-sounding:

His vocabulary was well developed, he could name all the animals in a book he brought, spoke about his favorite video, Aristocats, and about his interest in Paris, France and indicated that he would like to visit the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral. He was quite curious about pictures in my office and wanted to know about them. He was interested in football and follows the OSU and LSU, along with professional teams, and was knowledgeable about the teams and the results of the super bowl...

This description makes Henry sound like quite the little Renaissance man. Like you could chat with him all day long about wildlife, foreign cities, and sports. In reality, if you chatted with him all day, you would hear the same few facts about Paris and how he would like to go there. Yes, he can tell you who won the Super Bowl, because they discussed that in class and we discussed it at home. But I wouldn't say he follows professional football. Oh, well- I'd rather read a positive spin on my son than a negative one!

The report also noted he also said he had an ear infection for which he was on medication. This is completely untrue. I can only imagine that the psychologist asked Henry how he was feeling, or maybe noted that his nose was runny, asked him about it, and Henry responded that he had an ear infection!

The part of the report that really got me, though, was the summary of the Adaptive Behavior Assessment questionnaires. Henry's teacher and I each completed one. Our evaluations of Henry's behavior are in 2 comparative columns. In only 2 of the 9 categories were we in agreement.

In every other category Henry's teacher gave him a higher score than I did. My evaluation came out to "extremely low" in 7 of the 9 areas. Mrs. C's evaluation came out to "average" in 4 areas, "extremely low" in only 1.

My immediate thought upon seeing this was "what the hell is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I that I "rate" my son lower functioning than his teacher does? I should have more confidence in him."

But the more I thought back to the questions on this assessment, I came to a different realization. The questions (I'm sure many of you have seen them before) were like this:

My child cleans up after himself:
(choose one) never/almost never/sometimes/almost always/always

If Henry's experience and ability vary so greatly between home and school, it's because the expectation is different at school. In this example, he may very well clean up after himself almost always at school, and almost never at home. Because his teachers make him do it and I do not.

My son is 8.5 years old, and 90% of the time I dress him and bathe him. He has never answered the phone or prepared himself something to eat.

His little brother is more independent than he is. But his little brother WANTS to be- that's the difference. Thomas has long been interested in picking out his own clothes. Henry is not, so I pick them out for him.

I need to start making some changes- for Henry's own good. But it's not going to be easy. Not only will Henry fight me every step of the way, but many of our day-to-day activities are going to take twice as long. I may not be able to stick with it all the time, in every instance, but I need to start trying.

It looks like we'll be snowed in this weekend, so this is as good a time as any. I'll pick up a new stepstool and stock up on orange juice and milk (in case of spills) and maybe Henry will get his own breakfast tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck!

something had to give

So I'm not on the jury anymore.

As the 4th week of the trial ended and I headed into an awesome weekend visiting family, I was still totally committed to being on the jury and following the trial through to its conclusion (however many more weeks that would entail).

Sunday night, as we drove home from a busy weekend and I dosed up my sick 4-year-old with ibuprofen, I started to get this anxious knot in my stomach.

Tommy had caught a bug from Bill- the bug that had knocked Bill out for over a week. During the month of my jury duty, Bill had missed work both because he was sick and because Henry had been sick also. This commitment I had made was forcing a sacrifice, not only from my workplace, but from my husband's as well.

Last week I had scheduled Henry's IEP meeting for noon on the 14th, and had been fretting ever since about how I would manage to fit the meeting into the court's lunch hour.

I woke up with Tommy several times during the night, and then tossed and turned, worrying about what to do. I got up in the morning and called the jury deputy to explain my predicament. She is a working mother as well, and said "there's nothing else you can do. Your family comes first." She contacted the judge, who excused me from the jury and thanked me for my service.

It was a really hard decision, but the right one. I hated to feel like a "quitter", and go back on an obligation. But, I also feel like I gave it my best shot. I could not have predicted during jury selection that 3 of my family members would come down sick during the course of the trial!

I was home with Tommy for 2 days and when he returned to his sitter's house today she informed me that she needs to take March 20 off- one more reason I'm glad to not be on the jury anymore.

I read that on Monday the prosecution rested its case. I will keep in touch with the jury deputy to get an idea of how long the defense's case will last, and I plan to return to the courtroom for closing arguments, if possible, and for the verdict.