visiting Virginia

This weekend we traveled to Norfolk, Virginia, for Bill's cousin's wedding. We've been looking forward to it for quite awhile.

We left Thursday night, drove partway and stayed in a hotel. The kids are good travelers anyway, but we borrowed a DVD player which also helped. Glitch #1 happened when we got out at the hotel and realized that Henry hadn't worn any shoes. Luckily there was a K-Mart nearby.

Glitch #2 happened when, 35 miles away from our destination, we got stuck in traffic, and it took us 3 hours to make it the rest of the way! We eventually made it to the Friday night event- a picnic on the Lafayette River (I hope I have that right, I just tried to figure it out by looking at a map). There were so many children at these gatherings- it was really fun and family-friendly.

Henry loved watching the water and the boats, of course. He also loved watching this guy make waffle cones:

I'm not sure why it fascinated him so much, but I enjoyed watching Henry watch the cone guy!

Saturday we weighed the many fun options and decided to visit the zoo with my sister-in-law and her sons. I think it was a good choice, especially from the Henry perspective. One of my concerns when we get together with family is how to let them get to know my kids in a brief window of time. The zoo is a good place to get to know Henry. He is a little more interactive there than usual. He likes to get a map and track where we're going and where we've been. He's very animated talking about all the animals and instructing me to take pictures of all of them. (I guess it's safe to say that Henry is a visual kid. He makes me take a photo of each animal and then wants me to print them all out. Sometimes I fib and tell him that I did take a picture of the goats at the petting zoo, when really I didn't because we have a dozen pictures of goats on our computer already. But he always catches me in that lie because he remembers 3 days later and asks me to "print out the picture of the goats".)

The wedding reception was at Bill's aunt and uncle's home, also on the Lafeyette River. I was a bit freaked out when I spotted Henry out on the dock by himself right away. But I later found out that the family had hired some babysitters/spies to keep an eye on things and make sure none of the children wandered off or got into trouble. That helped put my mind at ease. They really thought of everything.

In this picture Henry is clutching his reward. If there's one thing I learned on this trip, it's always a good idea to have a reward up your sleeve. Some may poo-poo the idea of bribing your kids, but I'm all for it.

I started warning Tommy several days before we left that he would have to wear long pants to the wedding. Oh, the torture. I told him if he did a good job and didn't argue, he could have a reward.

When shopping for his reward (Indiana Jones legos), I happened to come across a 750 piece Disney puzzle that we didn't have yet, and picked that up for Henry too. I was thanking my lucky stars for that stroke of brilliance when, after the wedding, we were asked to stay behind for a family photo. I told both boys that I had a surprise for them in the car after they cooperated for the photo.

The surprises probably would have worked even better at an indoor reception. We lost a few pieces in the grass. But still, it kept the kids occupied longer than they would have been otherwise.

That's right. This wedding included a fireworks display! How awesome is that? Henry is covering his ears, but that doesn't mean he didn't enjoy it. In fact, the fireworks were his very favorite part. The bride said they were her favorite also. They had been a surprise for her.

I love weddings for so many reasons- the dresses, the flowers, the music, the dancing, the food, the drink. And now that I've been married 11 years myself, I love them for reminding me of our beginning. When you're the one saying the vows, you hear that "for better, for worse" stuff and think yeah, yeah, whatever. We won't have any hard times. We won't have any sickness.

And then you look around 11 years later and you think whew, we have actually had some tough times. Good thing we could hold hands and get through them together. This getting married thing was a good idea.

This guy, even though he gets so irrationally mad when he's stuck in traffic, stays out too late partying with the young cousins, and takes his shoes and socks off at weddings? He's a keeper.

In summary: weddings are good. How fortunate, then, we're attending another this weekend. :-) And this time, the kids aren't invited, so maybe we'll get to do more dancing.

Also, see below for glitch #3 of our trip.

glitch #3

Virginia trip glitch #3 seemed like it needed a post all to itself.

As I said in the previous post, we've been looking forward to this wedding for quite awhile. I knew the reception was going to be outside, at the bride's parents' home, and so had bought a couple dresses that I thought might be appropriate before we received our invitation reading "black tie optional".

So the floral sundress was definitely out- I wore it to graduation instead. I asked my boss to ask his wife (my unpaid fashion consultant) what I should wear. He came in to work the next day with 3 black dresses for me to try on! Could I get any luckier?!

I tried them on and kept the one that fit the best. Bill rented a tuxedo. And I figured my kids could still wear what I had planned for them to wear. Saturday, as I was attempting to style my hair, I noticed something in the mirror. (Don't you love hotel bathrooms? They have so many mirrors that you can see yourself from every angle?!) The little button at the top of the dress was gone. Fell off before we even made it out of the room.

Damn. One time I try to dress up and look like a bigshot and I lose a button. At the church, my father-in-law's wife was great- she told me to just let the sides flap over to make a v-back and no one would know the difference: So that's what I did, and I guess it was fine.

But now I have to either 'fess up to my boss and his generous wife, or try to replace the button and hope they don't notice. It kind of feels like a sitcom story, where I'll try to replace the button and she'll notice right away, because the button on this dress was some kind of heirloom.

You just can't take me anywhere.

(Sorry, I don't have a better picture of the dress- this is the ONLY picture of me from the wedding at all, 'cause I was taking most of them.)

resigned

Henry got sunburned this week.

This is good news. Henry was out in the sun long enough to get sunburned. Even though he was wearing sunscreen. Just like the rest of the kids at L's house. Today looks to be the 3rd day this week they'll spend at the pool, and come home worn out and hungry. That pool pass I bought might actually have been a good idea.

So we take some steps forward.

Sometimes, on the other hand, we feel stuck in one spot. Take graduation day, for example. As you may have gathered from the family photo, Henry was not being very cooperative that day. Call it dysregulated, call it oppositional, call it difficult, call it autistic. Whatever you call it, it's pretty ding-dong frustrating.

Oh, we brought books and Leapsters with us to entertain him- I didn't just become a mom yesterday. But the thing is, on an occasion like graduation, all bets are off with Henry. I think he's reacting to several factors:
-A new situation. Never been to a graduation before. (The location, however, was quite familiar. The high school, middle school, and Henry's elementary school are literally connected in one big campus. Graduation was in the stadium.)
-Boredom. It was hard to hear much of the ceremony, and Henry wouldn't have been interested even if he could hear it.
-But there was too much distracting input for him to just zone out with a book
-Heat
-And this is a biggie- emotion. I think Henry can sense when a situation is highly emotional, and he doesn't like that vibe. It makes him uneasy. So it becomes his mission to make the rest of us uneasy :-)

So he started right in with stepping on our feet, pinching us, squeezing our fingers and hands, trying to push us off the bleachers. All the relatives tried their best to help by asking him questions, etc.- trying to distract him. (Amateurs.) It didn't take long before I left with him and walked around the school and over to his playground. That was fine- I actually was initially glad to have the distraction. It kept me from sitting there just thinking and reflecting and making myself cry.

But I did want to actually see Kate walk up and get her diploma, so we ended up back in the stands, straining to hear each name as it was called. Henry settled on a new method of torture: pressing his forehead against my jaw with all his strength. I just let him do it- it kept him quiet. We sat that way for quite awhile, until all of a sudden the heat of his head against my sweaty face got to me, and I realized what a bizarre little scene we were making.

"Henry, why are you doing that?" I blurted out. (Questions like this are totally pointless, and are usually met with "Why are you doing that?" shouted back at me.)

But this time he calmly replied "I'm the invisible man" and went right back to pushing against me. I have no idea what that meant, but it broke the tension and made my sister-in-law and me both laugh.

By the time we were taking the pictures, a few half-hearted attempts were made to get Henry to turn around, but I think everyone knew it was a lost cause. It is what it is- a moment in our family's life preserved for history. (Bill did capture him before heading home, waving out of Grannie's sunroof.)

I want to think of a better word than resigned. I want to say we are resigned to life with autism, except I want that to sound more positive.

Here's another example: that same weekend we went to a backyard party for a friend (but we did not know the people who were hosting the party). Henry marched right into their house and asked for their movies.

This probably would have embarrassed me a few years ago, and I would have spent all night trying to get Henry to stay outside with the other kids. But now? Now I don't miss a beat- I just explained that he'd like to examine their collection of Disney movies, would probably lay them all out on the floor, and would want to watch one. I didn't apologize and I didn't even explain that he has autism.

He's just my kid and this is what he likes to do to be comfortable and that's what you get if you invite me to a party. (Not that I get invited to many parties.) Later I found him in the daughter's room, rummaging through her bookshelf, looking for Disney books. That's not appropriate behavior. But I'm just too tired to fight it anymore.

I don't know whether that's something to be proud of: I accept my son the way he is and everyone else should too.

Or whether it's something to feel defeated by: Autism has worn me down until the inappropriate has become appropriate, or I can't tell the difference anymore.

Maybe both are true, depending on the day and my mood.

(This post ended up sounding mopier than I really intended. Sorry. My allergies are making me feel crappy and we are getting ready for a biggish out-of-town trip that has me a little stressed. Happier post next week about the super-fun wedding we'll be attending in Virginia...)

four

Mommy, which one is for me? (Looking at my birthstone necklace. His stone is purple.) Oh, thank you mommy! I love purple! It's my favorite. Well, red is my first favorite, but then is purple. Which one is for Kate? Which one is for Henry?

(Seeing that the cooler on the back patio is empty) Daddy, did you drink all the beard?!

Mommy, thank you for this new lamp. This new lamp is really cool. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Thank you for this lamp. Henry, you have a new lamp. See? Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.

Weiner is another name for p*n*s. (Girl who goes to the same sitter) told me that. Yeah, weiner. (Girl who goes to the same sitter) thinks that's funny. Weiner. (Girl who goes to the same sitter) says weiner instead of p*n*s.
(Trying to ignore the subject is not making him stop talking about it. It will be a long summer before Girl who goes to the same sitter starts kindergarten.)

Where do skeletons come from?

How do airplanes know where they're going?

Why did you put Henry's name on his shoes? (Actually, I just put his initials.) What are initials?

Hey, what are these? Scissors?

Mommy, why don't I have any bones in my tummy?
I spilled.
Mommy, who do you want to be: Batman or Robin? You can be Robin. You really can. Even though you're a girl.
In our house, before it was our house, um, who was the family that used to live there?(me, after telling him about the previous owners): That's a really good question Tommy. You are like a detective- you ask a lot of good questions.Yeah. (pause) Mommy, did you know that some plants don't even need sun?! They don't. Daddy told me. Like those pink flowers with the leaves? They don't need sun!

Mommy, I thought I couldn't do it, so I called your name because I wanted you to help me but then I tried it again and I did it!

(me, after he has repeated the same phrase over and over): Why do you keep repeating that?
Because I want you to say it too. That's what Henry does.

Mommy? When I'm five I will call you Mom.

she did it!

Thank you, thank you friends and family for all your support.

sum sum summertime

Well, I'm up so ding-dong early that I thought I might as well write a post.

I've been freaking out, off-and-on, for months about what to do with Henry this summer. He could technically go to Easter Seals' summer camp for one more summer (the program is for kids up to 8 years old). But they have moved to a much-less-convenient location, the new location doesn't have a pool (a major factor in Henry's enjoyment of previous seasons), and I was unsure how much good that program was doing for him. I don't care about working on goals or anything like that in the summer, but I do want Henry to be stimulated and entertained and have fun. And as the oldest kid in that setting, I wasn't sure that he would. And I feared that his undesirable behaviors might gain some ground.

In searching for other summer options, I found that many programs were only offered a few hours a day (I'd call that "morning camp" rather than "day camp", wouldn't you?), and others were more than double the cost of what we had been paying at Easter Seals. Gulp. Not to get all up on my soapbox (ok, maybe just for a second), but what the hell are working parents of disabled kids supposed to do?

Tuesday I visited a potential (expensive) option. More about that next time. Tuesday night I had a little nervous breakdown (summer plans being just one piece of that). Wednesday I called Easter Seals and asked them to send me the registration packet. Last night (Thursday), when I picked Tommy up, L asked if I would like to have Henry come there for the summer. Um, duh? That would only be the perfect option.

Needless to say, I had been hinting around about this for months. L often watches Henry on random days off from school and holiday breaks. But the main concern she had expressed about the summer was their frequent trips to the pool. The smaller kids kind of split their time between the baby pool and the big pool. Sometimes L packs their lunches and even gets them to take naps there, under a tree!!!! (This woman casts some kind of spell over these children.)

Henry wouldn't want to stay that long, and he's way too big for the baby pool. His swimming skills are decent, but not good enough to hang out in the big pool by himself. And his social skills at the pool, um, leave something to be desired. His main ideas of fun interaction at the pool are:

A. Splashing you in the face over and over

B. Chasing you around and trying to dunk you

While other kids might enjoy those activities for a time, Henry needs help knowing when to END the playing. He might not pick up on cues like "Henry, I don't want you to splash me anymore." Ya know?

So, anyway, L's 14-year-old daughter (K), an excellent babysitter herself, had another option fall through, and is willing to be responsible for Henry at least a portion of the week, with L covering the rest! K can help at the pool, the park, the library, etc. AWESOME. I think it will be a relaxed summer for Henry, which he deserves. And Tommy is always excited about having his brother with him.

(And, I can drop both kids off at one spot and maybe get to work on time. Whatever.)

So, let's take a moment to appreciate that things do work out sometimes.

counting our blessings

Let's try to lighten the mood here by documenting some random funny kid stuff.

L had asked me to help out today by picking the kids up from preschool and bringing them to her house. Since 4 and 5-year-olds' lives are pretty boring, this was a BIG DEAL- much discussed ahead of time.

They all got buckled-in and I put in the High School Musical 2 CD to impress them as a cool mom. They opened up the console between the seats and pulled out the treasures in there: some happy meal toys, a portable CD player and a calculator. Then Tommy piped up:

"Guys, my car is really cool. S- look up. See that? See that? That's a hook that you can hang clothes on."

The hilarious part is that the other kids all agreed that the hook for hanging clothes on was a really cool feature. I'm thanking God that none of them said "oh yeah, well my car has a DVD player."

May my son always be this proud of the standard features of our life.

"I did good"

I had to leave work Monday because I was crying. Not just a few tears in my eyes- that happens just about every damn day around here. It was the kind of crying that doesn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon. So I just ducked out the back door and went home to cry some more and then wash my face.
I don't really want to get into why I was crying- it was just one phone conversation too many about a stressful topic that has been the subject of countless conversations over the past few months.
When I got back to work, my friend said that she had been feeling like her emotions were really "close to the surface" lately. Another work friend told me he had been feeling very emotional over the weekend. So maybe there is something in the air at this time of year. I dunno.
It is the season of weddings (we have 2 in June) and graduations (we hopefully have 2 in June) and thus of new beginnings. I need to get a handle on this emotion thing or I will be bawling my way through the next 6 weeks.
I would like to share something really special that we experienced this weekend, and hopefully somebody out there is still reading.

Saturday Henry had his first Miracle League baseball game. I'm just about the last person you'd catch being all sentimental about a sporting event. But this program is one of the coolest things we've been involved in.

The league is for kids with all sorts of disabilities. Each child is matched up with a "buddy" who helps them play (to whatever degree he or she needs help). Every kid gets a hit and every hit gets on base. Every kid scores a run every time. The final score was 24-24, and something tells me it will be the same next week.

Each player has a nickname, and the announcer plays it up like a real ball game:

Up next for the Marlins is number 1, Hammerin' Henry. Henry hit a single his last time at bat, and has been working on some weight training in the off-season.

If you've been reading here about Henry for any length of time, you know that he's not much into physical activity or, well, anything done outside.

But this was different. Henry fielded just about every ball, with gusto. That's not to say that he actually caught any of them. But he ran and ran and didn't give up. (The kids in the light blue shirts are the buddies. Henry's is the girl in the pink cardigan.)

He was so proud of his two home runs. On the ride home he seemed very dazed- that was a lot of activity and a lot of new stuff to process. But he kept repeating "I did good!"

Also, we had "transitions" lenses put into Henry's glasses, so they turn to sunglasses outside. The sun has always seemed to really bother him, so maybe they are a contributing factor to his enjoyment of baseball. Plus, they make him look really cool.
Another cool aspect of the Miracle League for parents is that we just sit in the stands and watch and cheer. Just like regular proud parents. We chatted with the other grownups around us; parents of both players and buddies.



As a side note, but another contributing factor to my "emotions close to the surface", as we pulled in to the park where these games are held, I realized that I had been there before.
Henry had attended 2 birthday parties here when he was 3 or 4 (pre-diagnosis). Both for kids who were cared for by L also. Both parties went relatively badly- but one stands out in particular. I remember having to carry Henry screaming to the car halfway through the party. He wouldn't leave the gifts alone and of course could not be persuaded that they didn't belong to him.
I remember feeling so frustrated and alone and so sad for Henry because he was missing out on special peer activities.
5 years later, we've both come a long way. My expectations have undoubtedly changed. And Henry's abilities and understanding have brought him far. He listened and followed directions and tried something new that day with bravery and enthusiasm. Yes, the situation had modified rules and expectations. Yes, it was different from the league that other 2nd graders will play in. But it was a success. He did good.

just some recent pictures

Before:
(Not the most flattering picture of me, with that goofy headband in my hair, but I don't have too many photos of me and my boys, so I kinda like it)

After:

And a couple photos from my niece's first communion Sunday. If I could photoshop these two together I'd have one decent picture where everyone's looking at the camera:

(Well, OK. Not EVERYONE. Henry almost never looks at the camera...) Henry is holding a puzzle and Tommy is holding a Batman.

photos and a meme

Right you are, Christine. Fodder for a light blog post is just what I needed! Thanks. I didn't get to it over the weekend, and that's probably for the best, as the basement at home would make the "5 things in your room" question kind of unmanageable and/or uninteresting.

So, as I eat my lunch...

5 things found in my bag:

I carry this big black Kenneth Cole bag. I think Bill gave it to me before we were even married. It has held up well. I carry around all kinds of unfinished business in there, along with

-my purse (damn, it's on sale now!)

-our check register (watching every day for that "stimulus money" to be deposited!)

-this hair product on the rare day that I do use it, it's applied in the car or after I've arrived at work

-5 Bed Bath and Beyond 20% off coupons

-100+ pieces of paper pertaining to summer special needs programs, recipes, mapquest directions, e-mail addresses of my jury duty friends, etc. etc. etc.

5 favorite things in my room (office):

A Harry Potter poster hanging next to Henry's 2007 Mother's Day project

Henry made this planter at school. I bought the shamrock plant on our trip to the conservatory last spring.

Photos of the kids, a "sweet strawberry" Yankee candle, a tiny wooden vase Kate bought me on vacation one summer, a stuffed squirrel my boss gave me as a joke the day I was freaking out after hitting a squirrel on the way to work...

That's at least 5 things.

5 things I always wanted to do:

-Visit New Orleans

-Get together with my internet friends in real life

-Be independently wealthy

-Finish that Einstein biography

-stay awake while lying in bed with my son so that I can watch tv or have a conversation past 9 pm

5 things I am currently into:

-Amy Winehouse's cd (I know, I'm behind the times)

-jogging a couple times a week

-Lost

-trying to figure out what the future holds for our family but not freak out about it

-these:

a little heavy on pictures of the youngest

You're lucky I didn't write this last night. I finally broke down and bought Claritin D- the kind you have to buy from the pharmacist and practically get finger-printed for. I feel like such a criminal when I buy it that I avoid it as long as I can.

But Friday night I really couldn't breathe and so I bought the drugs on Saturday. Saturday night was fine, but last night? I was on some kind of decongestant trip. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep and my mind started racing about the dumbest stuff: Henry's puzzles are still out in the basement. I should have had him help put them away. I have that chore chart that we never use. I really need to start using that with the boys. I shouldn't have bought that DVD for Henry without showing that he earned it somehow. There's a basket of laundry downstairs that I didn't fold yet...

People actually abuse these drugs because they WANT to feel this way? No thanks.

So.

Thomas had his first-ever soccer practice Saturday.

He did his usual shy thing, but I'm sure he will warm up to it. This league for 4-year-olds doesn't have games or anything, just practices. Luckily we have a very dear 10-year-old friend who plays many sports and gives us lots of hand-me-downs. So we are set for shoes and shin guards. But I have been informed (by my husband) that these shorts he's wearing are not appropriate, so they will have to make a trip to the sports supply store. (Roll eyes.)

Later on Saturday we went to the library and then to the grocery store. I did buy Henry the 101 Dalmations DVD and I did struggle with that decision.

When his teacher started reporting on Henry's day using 0-5 stars, the idea was that we would track how many stars he earned, and tie that in to a reward. Needless to say, the system hasn't really worked. He'll have an excellent couple weeks of 4 & 5 star days, but we won't happen to go to the store that weekend.

Then he'll have a couple rough weeks of 1 & 2 star days (even 0 stars one day this month), and I'll turn around and buy him a DVD. Maybe it's just me being a mushy marshmallow-spine mommy, but I find it hard to say no sometimes. Henry is a smart kid. But I'm not sure that he truly understands a consequence that is not immediate. I look in his eyes as I say "I know you want that DVD, but you can't have it because you kicked your teacher on Tuesday" and I don't see understanding there. All I see staring back at me is the blind desire for this DVD. And, if I'm being honest, I see the threat of a full-blown freak out if we don't bring the DVD home.

I am considering making it more of a daily consequence- you can't watch a movie after school if you haven't had a good day. But then I think about how hard he works at school all day and how chilling out with a movie probably feels so good to him, and I lose my resolve.

And sometimes I feel like all this talk about how many stars he earns just stresses him out. He starts to cry and shout "on Monday, I won't earn any stars! I will not be good!"
So, I'm a pushover. My secret is out.

Tommy's child-care provider has been doing more fun stuff with the kids. A couple weeks ago they planted zinnia seeds:

So this weekend Bill and Tommy moved them to roomier pots:

That squirt bottle he's using? It has provided HOURS of outdoor fun. Who knew that squirting water at stuff was so entertaining?

Both boys rode their bikes some more this weekend. I told Henry, more than once, that we were just going on a bike ride. I did not bring my money and we were not going to stop at Starbucks. But he did not believe me. This resulted in a few angry moments and about a quarter mile of him pushing his bike, rather than riding it. (I guess this was some sort of protest, but it really only punished him!) So, see, I don't always give in!

Tommy had a small wipe out, which led to the overuse of these cool band-aids:

Springtime feels really good. Having our whole family back home again feels really good. If we could just figure out the new VCR so we could record The Office, all would be right.

the pictures are misleading- this post is a downer

Remember that good/bad post the other day? That's how my life feels all the time lately. A friend asks about my weekend, and I debate: do I tell report the good or the bad? Because we are living a twilight zone of some of each these days. And to dwell on either for too long seems to not give enough attention to the other.

I can give the sun-shiney report:

-That Henry attended a different gymnastics class Friday; his teacher feels he is ready to move out of the special needs class and into just a "boys fitness" class. Bill said Henry did a good job and seemed to enjoy being "one of the guys".

-That Tommy went to a crazy bowling-alley birthday party on Saturday; he ran around in circles in his bowling shoes until his hair was plastered to his forehead and his cheeks were tomato-red; he hauled the 6-lb bowling ball up to the lane every time and dropped/threw it down- three times into the gutter (despite the bumpers) and once following up with a kick to get it going.
-That both boys successfully rode their new (from Christmas) bikes all the way to the library (over 1/2 mile from home); that Henry required very little help and rode with the posture and attitude of an old man- slow and steady; Tommy needed quite a bit of help at first- for all the things that come easily to him, riding a bike was not one; but by the trip home he was easily keeping up with his brother, and even "skidded" a couple times (how does he know about skidding?!)

Autism Awareness month is making me a little uneasy. I wonder what I'm supposed to do to acknowledge this? Because I live Autism Awareness all the time. People who come into contact with me and my family learn about autism through us. I don't shout at them about cures or about vaccines, I just am and I just talk and I think they get the real story.

I frankly become exhausted by acquaintances who say "I saw Jenny McCarthy on Larry King last night. She said there's a special diet that can cure autism." Yeeeaaaahhhh. Sigh. Or even friends who say "I watched part of Autism: The Musical. Wow- it looked so hard to live with some of those kids." Yeeeaaaahhhh. It's hard to live with any kid on a given day.

I don't know- one of my kids has autism. He needs special education. Certain situations are challenging for him, and thus challenging for the rest of us, his family. I want people to be understanding of that and I'd like the medical community to continue to probe what can be done to make my son's life easier.

But my other children find different situations challenging. I want people to be understanding of them, too. I think if you gathered up all my mommy worry in gallon jugs and measured it, you'd find equal parts of lifetime worry devoted to each of the 3 kids.

Finally, this may seem unrelated, but it just really seems right to me today: the folks found guilty in my jury trial last month have been arrested in an attempt to leave the country. In my world, where few things seem to be cut-and-dried, black-or-white, I just like knowing that these people did wrong, they were found guilty, they are proving their guilt by trying to run away, and they were caught by the good guys. Sometimes a good cops-n-robbers/law-n-order story just really hits the spot.

how about some lists?

Sorry, but some days it's all I can muster...

bad:
-I was only able to take one day off last week to have "spring break" with the boys
good:
-They did fun stuff as usual with their babysitter, so I'm the only one who feels like I missed out. Bonus- today when Henry went back to school, Tommy said "oh, but now I have to go to L's by myself." He really likes having his brother with him.

bad:
-The day I did take off was rainy and cool, so we went to the science center rather than the zoo.
-Also, every other family in the state went to the science center that day.
good:
-The boys were amazingly patient when we had to wait in all those lines.
-We still got to go to the zoo, on Saturday.

bad:
-At the science center Henry was obsessing about something or another and tugging on my hand throughout the "Goosebumps" exhibit- the one Tommy was really interested in. I feel like we scooted out of there and Tommy got short-changed.
good:
-Tommy recited every word I had told him about the exhibit after we got home. He was really paying attention and really into it.
-We watched the 3D "extreme screen" movie and it was super cool.

bad:
-Pajama pants worn at the zoo don't block the cold breeze very well and may induce much whining and complaining in their 4-year-old wearer.
good:
-Binoculars can make you forget your cold legs.
-Tommy loved pretending he was a scientist, studying animals with his binoculars. L takes them to programs at the metroparks, so he has learned that "scat" is the scientists' word for "poop" and that it can be studied. Every 4-year-old boy should know this.

bad:
-Tommy fell asleep on the way home from the zoo (at 5:30) and didn't wake up until 5:30 the next morning.
-He was not awake to appreciate the face painting we got right before we left, and instead left much of the paint on his pillow and then my pillow.
good:
-Because he was asleep so early, it was easier for me to talk to my high school friend who called that night.

easter

I thought I had everything I needed for the Easter baskets. Then, on Friday, we were talking about Easter coming up, and Henry piped up with "the Easter Bunny will bring me a book about animals!"

He will, huh?

So, a dutiful mother, I ran out on Saturday to get a book about animals (I mean, one more book about animals, as we already have at least a dozen.)
Henry was happy with this one, and scampered off into a corner to look at it. His brother tried to get him interested in the Legos and moon sand in their baskets, but Henry was all about the book.
But a little while later, the truth came out: "It was a sticker book."
"The book about animals that you wanted was a sticker book?"
"Yes."
"...well, the Easter Bunny must not have known that. Did you see a sticker book you wanted somewhere?"
"At the mall."

They had taken a class community skills trip to the mall and he must have seen the book there. Oh well, the Bunny gets an A for effort.
(This child, the one who always wants to wear shorts and short-sleeved shirts, now doesn't even want to wear a shirt at all!)

We had a nice day of treats, coloring eggs, visits from family and friends, and some yummy food. The only element missing was church, which we really need to get back to.* Bill told the boys the Easter story, and offered to read it out of the children's Bible. Henry got kind of agitated and started asking for "the Jesus books". We told him that we didn't have any Easter books, and that all the Christmas books were put away.

Well, you know what happened: I ended up going down in the basement, pulling out all the bins of Christmas decorations, and finding the Christmas story books for Henry! Even though the Easter story has a happy ending, I can't blame Henry for preferring the "baby born in a barn" story to the "man tortured until he dies" story. Can you?

The timing was just perfect when I got Henry out of the bath Saturday night; the sun was setting and shining right in the bathroom window.

Henry glanced out the window and then smiled, mesmerized by the sun. "The sun is setting," he said. The moment was so perfect- my son stopping to show me something I had been too distracted to see for myself. I had to run and grab the camera (as he stood there, shivering). And then, of course, I couldn't get a shot with his eyes open.

-Last Monday morning, as I was watching the list of school closings, I noticed the name of the private autism school in our area. That got me thinking, just a little.

-Later that day, I read this post about a Dream School. That got me thinking just a little more.

-Thursday morning I called the autism school and left a message asking if we were still on their waiting list.

-Thursday at noon we had our MFE and IEP meetings. I summed the meetings up to my mom (and hopefully didn't offend her) by saying "I felt like I was sitting at a table with 10 of you." What I meant by that was; almost everyone around the table seemed smitten by Henry. They are all charmed by his intelligence and his messy blond hair and his smallness. They go on and on about all the things he can do well.

Now, there are a lot of things he can do well, as you readers know, because I brag about them here all the time. And I'm certainly not suggesting that the specialists at Henry's school should bombard me with the things he doesn't do well! I think I am just getting the feeling that no one is challenging him, aside from his main teacher. And, because she challenges him, he exhibits behaviors with her that no one else sees, and these behaviors prevent her from being able to get farther with him. See the cycle?

When he was 6, it was enough that he could function in a classroom and get something out of his day. But now I feel like we need to have bigger-picture goals, and instead of trying to get this kid to fit in to a regular-ed classroom by 4th grade (which seems to be the aim of the program), we should be building upon his interests and helping him blossom.

Rather than wringing our hands because his math ability is below grade level, I'd like to see someone say "wow, Henry shows a lot of interest in Paris/the Presidents/Big Cats. Let's have him do a research project on that." Of course, we still need to focus on the math, but not at a detriment to his other skills.

I know, I'm living in a dream world. Or a homeschool world :-)

-Thursday night during Thomas' gymnastics class, I struck up a conversation with the aide of an autistic girl. (I've noticed them for weeks. Why was it this week that I decided to approach them?) I asked the girl's age and told the aide about Henry. "I'm a special ed teacher," she said, "I teach at a school called [autism school I called that day]." I told her that I was hoping to still be on their waiting list. The young woman asked me my name and Henry's, and said that she would ask someone about us. She seemed like a neat young woman (I mean, she teaches all day and then works with the kids in the evenings too) and it just seemed, to quote Drama Mama, serendipitous.

-Someone from the autism school called me back Friday, and said that we are "second on the waiting list for our birth year", so it was a "realistic possibility" that we would be getting a call for an interview.

Without having visited the school (they won't do that until you're called for an interview), it's too soon to say if this is something I hope for. But it is nice to have options. And I feel like Bill and I are getting a better idea of what we want for our son, rather than just having the other experts tell us what we should want for him.

The current situation is good. I know that we are lucky. But it's not the best. And why not be hoping for the best?

last post on the judicial system

My fellow jurors reached a verdict yesterday, and I feel compelled to write one more post about jury duty. I would not have traded this experience. It was not only educational, it actually has renewed my faith in people.

That might surprise you, if you consider that I spent 4 weeks listening to details of fraud and egos run amuck. But, as the judge told us during jury selection, the system really does work. It does. And that gives me comfort.
And the regular folks who were chosen for the jury were really good people- all 15 of us. Yeah, I got bugged by being shut up in a room with them all day every day. But here's what struck me: the difference in my colleagues between jury instruction Tuesday afternoon and announcing the verdict yesterday.
I stood with one of the alternates and the jury deputy as the jurors filed in to a packed courtroom. Those 11 hours of deliberating had really taken a toll- each one looked as if he/she were ready to cry or vomit.
The alternate and I were able to go into the jury room after the verdicts had been read on each of the 26 counts, the jury had been polled, and then dismissed. My neighbors in the jury box throughout the trial each hugged me. One of them started to cry. She was one of two women who were put up in a hotel during the week because their commutes were so far. The other out-of-towner started crying too. "Gretchen, would your verdict have been the same? Would it?"
I assured them that it would have been. I hope the defendants in this trial realize how seriously these jurors took their responsibility.
We exchanged e-mail addresses and good wishes- I will very likely never talk to any of these folks again, but I feel glad to have met them. From juror #1 who collects guns to juror #15 who's a vegan to juror #3 who drove in every morning from her hometown with only one traffic light, they were all good citizens.

manic and love to the homeschoolers

When will I learn that drinking a larger size coffee doesn't make my brain work better? It only makes it work faster and more maniac-ly (not taking the time to figure out if that's a real word or not. See what I mean?)

Some things I'm thinking about this week:

-Should I investigate the autism school in our area? The one that we looked into back when Henry was 4 and didn't have a diagnosis yet. He's doing pretty well in our public school so far, but his success seems completely hinged on Mrs. C pulling the right tricks. On days she is out sick or because her children have a snowday (as has happened A LOT in the past month), half of his progress flies out the window and has to be re-built. How great would it be if the whole school were full of teachers who get it?

Henry has been having more 3-star days than 5-star for the past few weeks. Nearly every day he says he "feels sick" and should stay home from school. When I try to press him further on what feels sick, he (as has been the case for his whole life) cannot tell me. So I have been ignoring it.

His eating has become even more particular- he won't eat pasta and sauce anymore and I have resorted to trying different sauces and different shapes of pasta (he always asks for "the seashell kind".)

It seems like something is up. His teacher has not been sending homework home regularly either for the past few weeks, making it hard for us to keep a routine at home. Perhaps she is just very busy right now with IEPs, etc. But, again, I'd love it if my son could be in an environment where everything does not rely on ONE teacher.

-Henry has been asking to "sleep longer in your bed", meaning he wants to fall asleep in our bed and stay there. He never ever did this as a younger child, it is relatively new, and again makes me wonder what is up.

-What will Henry do this summer? Let's search the internet... Here's a super-cool looking program right near our house, but it costs twice as much a week as the Easter Seals program he's attended in the past. I wonder if there is funding out there that Henry could qualify for? Where would I look? Who would I ask? I'll add it to my to-do list.

It seems like my to-do list is always growing. I know that's true with everyone.

I'm not sure what's bringing on this frenzy. Could be the closing of the jury duty chapter in my life. Could be the impending IEP meeting. Could be the house-cleaning I attempted this weekend. Could be the feeling that winter will be ending soon and spring is coming. Could be the realization that my high school senior (pictured above enjoying the snow) is getting ready to graduate soon.

Operation Forced Independence was fairly successful this weekend. I seem to be the only one for whom this is a big deal. I hadn't even told Bill of my Big Plan, but when Henry asked for sausage for dinner Friday night, I proclaimed "you can learn to make it yourself!" Bill didn't miss a beat, but walked Henry through how to open up the package and put the sausage links in the microwave. Kinda makes me think Bill's been trying to do this for awhile.

Saturday Henry made himself some sausage again (the kid will eat pork sausage links for every meal) and some waffles in the toaster. He didn't eat the waffles, though. (I feel that way sometimes, that a meal just isn't as good if I have to make it myself.) He also spooned out some mixed fruit for himself (pictured above).

Sunday he asked for waffles and I told him to come in the kitchen and we'd make them together. At that he changed his mind and said he wanted cereal with milk. I made him help with that also, but I guess it's a little less involved. And he can still see the tv while pouring cereal and milk.

I have had him get out his own pajamas and put them on by himself every night, and attempted to show him how to run his own bath Sunday night. I made a better effort to have him clean up one thing before getting out another. This is a never-ending battle with a kid who likes to have 3 puzzles out at once and all the prints and books related to a certain move spread out around him at any given time.

He didn't really protest too much at any of this, and I think this will need to be a new state of mind for all of us.

One note I do need to make to Kyra and all you other brave homeschoolers: I don't think my son would respond to this direction as easily if his teachers hadn't already "broken him in" for me. He has learned a lot of "if/then" instruction from school, and a lot of "you can do it by yourself".

Heck, I would still be helping him go to the bathroom if he hadn't gone off to kindergarten and I realized that his teacher probably doesn't pull down his pants for him and put him on the toilet! I'm not kidding, that was a huge realization for me.

I am a big big believer in getting help and advice from as many good sources as I can (this blog being just one example of that.) I have learned so much from friends, family, teachers and childcare providers who have shared their wisdom and philosophies with me.

Given all this reliance on others to help me, I am simply awestruck by homeschooling moms. Of course I hope that you have a good support network of other adults and professionals just as I do. But your day-to-day contact with them has to be minimal when you're down in the trenches teaching an oppositional child how to read or write or add.

extremely low

As I mentioned, Henry's IEP (Individual Education Plan) annual review meeting is scheduled for next week. In our district (state? county? I don't know who makes these rules) he is due for re-evaluation every three years. In yesterday's mail we received a draft copy of the MFE (MultiFactored Evaluation) team report for our review before the meeting.

The report did not hold many surprises. Henry tested "average" overall for his reading and writing abilities, "well below average" for his math abilities.

It appears that the school psychologist's classroom observation was on a 5-star day, as no behavioral problems were noted. Henry was observed while doing a spelling activity in the regular 2nd-grade class, and versions of the word "appropriate" were used several times in the summary. (It should be noted that Henry's aide was with him the entire time, as she always is).

One amusing bit of the report was the description of the psychologist's "assessment and interview" of Henry. It was generally quite positive-sounding:

His vocabulary was well developed, he could name all the animals in a book he brought, spoke about his favorite video, Aristocats, and about his interest in Paris, France and indicated that he would like to visit the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral. He was quite curious about pictures in my office and wanted to know about them. He was interested in football and follows the OSU and LSU, along with professional teams, and was knowledgeable about the teams and the results of the super bowl...

This description makes Henry sound like quite the little Renaissance man. Like you could chat with him all day long about wildlife, foreign cities, and sports. In reality, if you chatted with him all day, you would hear the same few facts about Paris and how he would like to go there. Yes, he can tell you who won the Super Bowl, because they discussed that in class and we discussed it at home. But I wouldn't say he follows professional football. Oh, well- I'd rather read a positive spin on my son than a negative one!

The report also noted he also said he had an ear infection for which he was on medication. This is completely untrue. I can only imagine that the psychologist asked Henry how he was feeling, or maybe noted that his nose was runny, asked him about it, and Henry responded that he had an ear infection!

The part of the report that really got me, though, was the summary of the Adaptive Behavior Assessment questionnaires. Henry's teacher and I each completed one. Our evaluations of Henry's behavior are in 2 comparative columns. In only 2 of the 9 categories were we in agreement.

In every other category Henry's teacher gave him a higher score than I did. My evaluation came out to "extremely low" in 7 of the 9 areas. Mrs. C's evaluation came out to "average" in 4 areas, "extremely low" in only 1.

My immediate thought upon seeing this was "what the hell is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I that I "rate" my son lower functioning than his teacher does? I should have more confidence in him."

But the more I thought back to the questions on this assessment, I came to a different realization. The questions (I'm sure many of you have seen them before) were like this:

My child cleans up after himself:
(choose one) never/almost never/sometimes/almost always/always

If Henry's experience and ability vary so greatly between home and school, it's because the expectation is different at school. In this example, he may very well clean up after himself almost always at school, and almost never at home. Because his teachers make him do it and I do not.

My son is 8.5 years old, and 90% of the time I dress him and bathe him. He has never answered the phone or prepared himself something to eat.

His little brother is more independent than he is. But his little brother WANTS to be- that's the difference. Thomas has long been interested in picking out his own clothes. Henry is not, so I pick them out for him.

I need to start making some changes- for Henry's own good. But it's not going to be easy. Not only will Henry fight me every step of the way, but many of our day-to-day activities are going to take twice as long. I may not be able to stick with it all the time, in every instance, but I need to start trying.

It looks like we'll be snowed in this weekend, so this is as good a time as any. I'll pick up a new stepstool and stock up on orange juice and milk (in case of spills) and maybe Henry will get his own breakfast tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck!

something had to give

So I'm not on the jury anymore.

As the 4th week of the trial ended and I headed into an awesome weekend visiting family, I was still totally committed to being on the jury and following the trial through to its conclusion (however many more weeks that would entail).

Sunday night, as we drove home from a busy weekend and I dosed up my sick 4-year-old with ibuprofen, I started to get this anxious knot in my stomach.

Tommy had caught a bug from Bill- the bug that had knocked Bill out for over a week. During the month of my jury duty, Bill had missed work both because he was sick and because Henry had been sick also. This commitment I had made was forcing a sacrifice, not only from my workplace, but from my husband's as well.

Last week I had scheduled Henry's IEP meeting for noon on the 14th, and had been fretting ever since about how I would manage to fit the meeting into the court's lunch hour.

I woke up with Tommy several times during the night, and then tossed and turned, worrying about what to do. I got up in the morning and called the jury deputy to explain my predicament. She is a working mother as well, and said "there's nothing else you can do. Your family comes first." She contacted the judge, who excused me from the jury and thanked me for my service.

It was a really hard decision, but the right one. I hated to feel like a "quitter", and go back on an obligation. But, I also feel like I gave it my best shot. I could not have predicted during jury selection that 3 of my family members would come down sick during the course of the trial!

I was home with Tommy for 2 days and when he returned to his sitter's house today she informed me that she needs to take March 20 off- one more reason I'm glad to not be on the jury anymore.

I read that on Monday the prosecution rested its case. I will keep in touch with the jury deputy to get an idea of how long the defense's case will last, and I plan to return to the courtroom for closing arguments, if possible, and for the verdict.