some vacation photos

The digital camera is still up in Michigan with Kate. The teenagers spent the first week with our family and the second week with my brother-in-law's family- lucky ducks. So some of the pictures are still with her. But I had my film developed and put on a disk also.

This is the "big dock":

Some of the braver ones were heading out for a sunset swim. (Too chilly for me!) The weather ran the gamut- hot and humid when we first got up there, which was great for swimming, but by the time you made it back up the hill to our house, you were sweating again. And no air conditioning in these old cottages.

After a couple days, a quick storm came through and cooled everything off. After that, I wasn't as motivated to swim.

One day started off rainy, so the girls and I went in to "town" to visit the gift shops. They wanted to stop at the dollar store also. I rolled my eyes, went in, and came out with $24 worth of stuff, including these squirt guns:


One of the "mishaps" I mentioned happened the first day we loaded up on the boat. We got both boys all decked out in their life jackets, and brought all the rest of the gear that you need: sunscreen, drinks, dry clothes, towels, hats, sunglasses, etc. etc.
We got settled and Bill said "ok, ready boys? This will be a little loud." They covered their ears, grinning, and Bill turned the key in the ignition.
---
---
Nothing happened.
Not even a clicking sound.
The boat was broken.
So then we had to load all our crap back out of the boat. Both boys were crying, and I was trying not to look Bill in the eye, because I knew he must be furious.
He recovered quickly, however, and we modified our plans to go swimming instead. (Another example of the grownups continuing to "grow up" over the years. A few years ago the boat thing would have probably ruined our day.)
The boat was able to be repaired, but it took a couple days.

Here's Thomas swimming in the lake- grinning and shivering. The water is nice and shallow for a long distance- it's great for kids! The first day Tommy got knocked down several times by the waves- face-first- and it was hard for him to regain his balance. But he adapted quickly, and the water shoes helped too.
Everyone at work has commented on this picture:

I guess it's a classic. That's what vacation is all about- just having time to sit and watch the world go by with your kids.

(There is one other picture that is one of our favorites, but I can't post it on the internet. I got the boys toy light sabers before we left. One day they must have been having a light saber fight after swimming and taking off their wet suits- I call it "Naked Jedi". That will get me some weird Google searchers, won't it?!)

vacation part one

(Blogger is giving me a hell of a time uploading pictures. Sorry, I know this is no good without the pictures- I will keep trying.)

We're back. It really stunk to come back to work yesterday. I mean, normally I like my job and the people I work with. But the first day back after vacation is a real drag. I pouted for most of the day, and tried to comfort myself with a really expensive salad and sushi lunch from the health food store.

On a happier note, we had a terrific vacation!! It wasn't without mishaps and frustrating moments, but all in all it was great. I imagine it will take me a few posts to get through all the things I want to share and record here.

Vacations like this, when you visit the same place year after year, can't help but be sentimental. Bill has been going to this cottage for his entire life. So has Kate. I've been visiting since 1993. As I reflect on this most recent vacation, I can see not only how much our kids have grown over the years, but how Bill and I have grown too (and I don't mean around the middle! I try NOT to notice that.)

When Bill first introduced me to this vacation spot, I wasn't much of a lake person. I thought they were pretty to look at, but I was afraid of the rickety docks, afraid of the boat, and grossed out by the mucky sand and seaweed and little FISH swimming around my feet- eeek!

On the first day of vacation this year, I stopped to look at myself: leading my two young children out into the lake in our water shoes. All by myself- not scared at all, and teaching my sons not to be scared either. I realized that this is just one of the countless new experiences that my husband and my children have brought to my life.

Both boys swam in the lake like little fish! I can't convey how proud I was. I really feel like Henry's swimming lessons were one of the smartest moves we made with him. If for no other reason than it gives him the confidence to explore the water.

Henry really enjoyed himself, but also did a lot of protesting, at just about every transition: "I don't want to go to the big dock I don't want to go to the big dock I don't want to go to the big dock I don't want to go to the big dock..." all the way to the big dock. Once there, he would jump in and paddle around and have the time of his life.

And his bravery scared me a little. On the first day, while I was unpacking, I heard the door slam (thank God this house is so loud and creaky). I looked out the window, and there was Henry, walking across the street! I asked what he was doing, and he said "I want to go back to the lake." I told him that he must never go to the water without a grownup, and it seemed to sink in, because he didn't try that again.

We also spent quite a bit of time sitting beside the river, which feeds into the lake, watching boats go by. I made a big fuss about how deep and cold the river was, because I was quite fearful that he would jump right in. (I guess my deep-seated fear of the water is not quite gone...)

One of our worst vacation experiences was the summer Henry was 2 and Kate was 12. At that time we did not suspect that Henry was autistic. We just thought he was a pretty stubborn, bratty toddler. For just one example, he always wanted to take off his swim trunks, and we would fight and fight about it. At that time Kate was at an age where she wanted to hang out with other kids, rather than with us (the same families are always up there, so there are other kids to play with). But we weren't quite prepared for her to not want to be with us. That vacation was so unpleasant that we didn't go back for the next 2 summers!

Well, Henry still doesn't like to wear his wet, clingy swim trunks. Always wants to take them off as soon as he gets out of the water. So I try to remember to bring his dry clothes with us, so he can change right away. Now that I understand him better, I can adapt, and we are all happier. This is another example of how I observed that Bill and I have grown as parents. Another is: now we know that Henry will protest about most activities, but we know when to ignore it. Back when he was 2 years old, we would have gotten angry and said "he never even wants to swim. What a waste of time... grr grr grr..."

Henry did seem to miss his technological companions: the movie player and the computer. He asked many times to watch a movie or play on the computer. We brought along several Disney book-on-tapes, and those received heavy rotation. (Pretty much like listening to a movie, rather than watching one. Oh well.) I was pleasantly surprised that once we arrived back home, Henry went up to his bedroom and started playing with all the toys in the toybox- didn't even ask about the tv or computer.

(I missed technology too- on Thursday afternoon I took a nap, and dreamt that I was staying in a fancy hotel with a big jacuzzi bathtub surrounded by televisions and computers!!!!! What a pitiful statement about my subconscious!)

When we were swimming in the lake on the first day, I heard Henry say "I'm not afraid of anything!" I could tell it was a script, and asked him "who says that?" he replied "Piglet." Even though he was using Piglet's words, I felt that he had picked out an appropriate script for himself, and I thought my heart just might burst at that moment.

see ya

We are leaving on vacation EARLY (like 3 am) tomorrow morning, so I won't be reading or writing for the next 9 days or so.
Bill's family has a summer home in Northern Michigan, and that's where we're headed. We have been so blessed to have this place to visit every year. Last year we joined Bill's brother, sister, and their families, and all stayed in the old creaky house together (that's when this picture was taken). This year it will just be us, plus one of the cousins- the other teenager- to keep Kate company.
The house comes complete with the old wooden boat pictured above and a sailboat. Last year Henry LOVED being on board both boats, so I anticipate he'll be doing a lot more of that with Daddy this year. There's a sort of unwritten no television rule at "the cottage" (they call it a cottage, but it's really a big house) which you might think would be difficult, but it's actually quite liberating and calming. (For a week, I mean- I'm not getting rid of my tv and cable at home anytime soon.) I bought a couple new puzzles for Henry and 2 Power Ranger kickboards for swimming in the lake.
I'm bringing along 3 of your book suggestions, and hope to get some quiet time at the beach or at the house while Thomas is napping...
Have a good week. I wonder if I will miss the computer?

the force was with us

I took a vacation day today to visit COSI with my kids and my parents. I'm pretty pooped.

There are lots of fun things to see at Cosi. But this time we went especially to see the Star Wars exhibit. For those of you with kids on the spectrum, the story of my day will be familiar: I had some fun times and made special memories with my family. But the fun did not always come easily...

First, we arrived and needed to wait for Grandma to stand in line for the tickets. There's a large area in which to wait, and a few things to look at. I asked the kids to stand in front of one of the big Star Wars ads, to take their picture. Here's what happened:

Thomas posed like a champ.

Henry got anxious and frustrated because we were not seeing the Star Wars exhibit right now, and of course he wouldn't be willing to stand still for a stupid picture. I was glad Kate came with us, especially because she is so good at talking to Henry and calming him down:


Stupid mom idea #2 was, "ok, let's look in the gift shop while we wait." (Translated as: "I'll spend some money before we even get inside the place.") As I paid for Henry's Space sticker book, and Tommy's knight action figure, Henry asked the sales girl "where are the Star Wars puzzles?" She replied "oh, they have some upstairs at the exhibit." Well, duh- of course there was another gift shop upstairs, featuring all things Star Wars.
We went up to the 2nd floor, where the special exhibit was. But right outside the elevator was "kidspace"- the hands-on area just for young children, up to kindergarten age. All of a sudden, Henry didn't want to go to the Star Wars exhibit! He wanted to go into kidspace!
It's so painful to watch him struggle- it's like he has no way of controlling his impulses when confronted with so many fun things- afterwards he remembers it as having fun, but at the time, it seems like he is tormented by all the fun things he wants to do, but can't do them all at the same time, and no matter which one he chooses, then he wishes he were doing the other...
Again, Kate helped calm him down, and we made our way to the Star Wars wing of the building. We passed the gift shop area first, and he made a beeline for it. I believe that one smart move I made was going ahead and stopping there first. I felt that if we didn't, he would just rush through the exhibit itself, wanting to get to the end.
They did, indeed, have lots of puzzles! Henry picked one, and then asked that salesgirl about sticker books, and she showed them to us! This amused me so much because Henry looks for puzzles and sticker books everywhere we go, and we can't usually find them. This place was like the answer to all his prayers. It would be like if he showed up at your house and said "where are your Disney movies and puzzles?" and you replied, well, my living room is full of them, Henry. Have at it. And here are some sprinkle donuts to eat."
Here is Henry with his sticker book and puzzle, standing in front of the book display. (As a grownup first generation Star Wars fan, I have to say that the gift shop and exhibit itself were pretty awesome.)
Here's my little jedi fighting a stormtrooper:

And the biggest bad guy of them all, Darth Vader:

After Star Wars, we went to kidspace. Both boys had a lot of fun there. It's a confined area where the kids can run around and play with water, sound, light, dress-up, build with blocks, etc. Henry did great there, and then worked on his new puzzle while Tommy played a little more.
There was also a display outside of construction trucks that the kids were able to climb up on:


Whatever area we were in, Henry didn't want to leave. Wherever we were headed, he didn't want to go. Until we got there, and then he didn't want to leave...
We've watched Star Wars: A New Hope twice since we've been home, and Henry's done his puzzle at least 6 times. Tommy didn't take a nap, so went to bed early. It was a good day.

...you get what you need

This morning I jogged with music! I had been thinking about asking for an iPod for my birthday, in October. But my dad got himself an iPod a couple weeks ago and gave me his MP3 player. I haven't gotten around to putting my own songs on it yet, but today I decided try it with dad's music selections. I got off to a great start (after forwarding past the entire Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack!) with Smooth by Santana. Wow- what a difference some music makes! Instead of listening to myself huff and puff I can imagine that I'm in my own music video... The only problem is that I feel tempted to start dancing down the alley instead of jogging. And I catch myself "air drumming" and feel a really strong urge to SING along. If my brothers are reading, they are laughing right now- my dad used to always sing along with his walkman while mowing the grass. Dad has a good voice, but you know, with the headphones on you can't really hear yourself and sound pretty off-key.

Anyway, the next song was Angel, by Sarah McLaughlin (I'm too lazy to look up whether that's the right way to spell her name). I skipped through some Beach Boys songs- they weren't really fitting my mood. And then came on the Rolling Stones song from which my post title comes. And I started thinking- I didn't get what I wanted- my own iPod with my own songs on it. But maybe I got something better. Some songs that my dad chose, songs I might not have, but now that they're here I'll keep them.

One question, though: how do you keep the little ear bud things in your ears while jogging? I kept having to adjust them the whole time- is that just how it goes?

Yesterday Henry was in a leopard mood. I think Diego started it all, by saving a baby leopard on Saturday morning cartoons. Henry went and found his "Big Cats" zoobook magazine, and asked me to find the rainforest puzzle (featuring, of course, a leopard.) Here he is working on the puzzle:


Tommy and I were headed out to the back yard. Without prompting, Henry grabbed the puzzle and said "I want to do my puzzle on the back porch!" This seems to be a concession- moving one step closer to actually doing something outside. We call it the "porch", but it's actually sort of a 3-season room. From there I at least feel like he is getting some fresher air, and can hear us playing in the yard. Maybe one day he'll decide we are having so much fun that he wants to join us.

My friend's daughter (T) came over yesterday evening. She is just a few weeks younger than Thomas and they are good buddies. Here they are playing in the sandbox/dumptruck:

It's a good thing my friend had a daughter and I didn't. T is always wearing a dress and looks so cute. I think if I had a daughter now, she would just wear t-shirts and shorts, 'cause I'm used to boys (and I wouldn't want to have to get pizza stains out of that white sundress).

Oh, Tommy said something so funny today. He has been saying "butt" a lot. I've been trying to encourage him to say "bottom" instead, but that may be a losing battle, considering he spends the day with a couple of older boys at the sitter's house. Anyway, today he fell and said "oh, I'm hurt! Mommy, tan you tiss my butt?" While I stifled a laugh, he said "MOMMY TISS IT!"

So I did. Is there something wrong with me?

report on the 4th, pictures, and a question

Thank you all for sharing your neuroses with me! Isn't it interesting that a lot of moms seem to worry about making the holidays "just right", while many husbands and kids probably couldn't care less?

It seems that it was a good strategy for me to vent to the internet, get a few things off my chest, and then go on to enjoy the day. The rain stopped by mid-afternoon, and we actually went out and socialized. There was a neighborhood party a couple blocks up the street, featuring a jumping thing (I never know what to call those things- it's not really a ride...) and a 3-person slip-n-slide!

Henry ate a lot of fruit and some rice krispie treats (my contribution to the party), then came over to join his brother in the jumper. He got inside and started stiffly boucing around, stopping to check in with me every 30 seconds or so. At one point an older girl was leaning against the side of the jumper near him. He leaned toward her and said "hiiiiiiii" in that high-pitched way you use when you're trying to get someone's attention. I was so excited that he was trying to engage someone! Then he turned to me and said "you want me to tell you what she is?" I translated this as meaning he wanted to know her name. So I said "you could tell her your name, and ask her what her name is". He kind of looked at her, looked back at me, and went back to jumping. Guess that all seemed like too much work.

Then we moved over to the slip-n-slide. I was also very happy with Henry's interaction there. After I dragged him by the hand and pretty much knocked him to the ground to make him slide, he preferred to stand off to the side, cheering for the other kids and getting splashed by them. That went well for quite a while. But then he started getting braver, and wanting to spend more time on the slip-n-slide, just standing on top of the spraying water. I encouraged the other kids to just go around him for awhile. But it really wasn't fair or safe to leave him standing in the middle. Eventually we ended up having to leave the party, because it was time for Tommy's nap and I saw no end to the slip-n-slide battle. But we stayed for over an hour, and I viewed it as a success.

We went to the fireworks that evening, which was enough to make me re-think "not liking the 4th of July." The boys were SO SO SO excited. As we drove there, they were searching the skies for fireworks. Tommy kept saying "I see sompting!" We found a good spot, put down a tarp and a blanket, and watched. Henry covered his ears at first, but we were far enough away that the booms weren't too loud. Tommy declared that some "looked like a butterfly" and Henry exclaimed that one "looked like a tree." We all ooohed and aaahed, and Henry asked "which one is your favorite, mommy?"

So maybe this holiday will get better for me as the years go on. Kate had the digital camera with her that night (she's got some nerve, huh?) so I had to take old-fashioned pictures. But here are a few from the weekend at my mom and dad's house (thanks mom!) This first one makes me laugh- like we are posing so proudly in front of our minivan:




And now my question: please give me some good vacation book suggestions. I think the last book I read was Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last summer! So I'm open to anything...

anyone have time for some free psychotherapy?

I don't really like the 4th of July. Not 'cause I'm anti-American, or anything like that. It just comes up every year, and we make plans of things to do, and then once it gets here I'm like, "oh yeah, I never like this holiday."

So this year (the blogging has made me more introspective) I'm trying to figure out WHY. Let me give you a little background:

My family never made a big deal out of the 4th. Sometimes we went to see fireworks, but it wasn't a big thing we looked forward to all year or anything. My dad is a Viet Nam vet (air force), which you'd think might make us a big "rah rah 4th of July" kind of family. But dad didn't enjoy the noise and the crowds of those kinds of events. Most of us didn't, to be honest. Mom was often fighting a losing battle to be social (see my previous post, family matters, below).

In contrast, Bill's family was always very social. His mom was part of a bridge group and a tennis group, his dad had a poker group. They had standing dates with other families on the 4th, the day after Christmas, etc.

In general, summer's not really my favorite season. I don't do well with the sun or the heat- makes me really irritable. And 4th parties where people are playing with fireworks make me really afraid that someone's going to get hurt.

So every year we're invited to a former neighbor's house for a cookout and to watch the city fireworks. It's never been my favorite event, but now that we have 2 young kids, one of which is autistic, it has become easy to make excuses not to go. There aren't any kid-specific activities, and it feels like we're hanging around for hours, waiting for it to get dark so we can watch the fireworks.

The city fireworks were yesterday, and the suburbs all have theirs tonight. Yesterday I suggested we not go to the party, for all the reasons stated above. Bill was fine with it, and bought some stuff to cook out at home (one of his favorite ways to relax- drink a beer, listen to music, and cook on the grill). The thing is, today it's raining, so we are going to end up doing nothing special for the 4th. I feel guilty when my anti-social tendencies force my very-social husband to miss out on stuff.

I get weird around most holidays- I want them to be SO SPECIAL for my kids that I end up freaking out, which is not so special for my kids!

Bill and I were kind of half-joking that maybe I experienced some childhood trauma on the 4th of July which has scarred me for life. I don't think that's the case, but I'm just wondering: does anyone else "get weird" around holidays?

I want to fight with you!

The other subject on my mind lately has to do with Henry and friendships. Tara posted a few days ago about playdates, and when to force the issue with her son.

Henry has never shown much interest in "playing" with anyone. Some of his awkward attempts have been heartbreaking. For example, in preschool he would "tickle" classmates. (He would do it with us also.) But this tickling was way too rough- he would poke and pinch with his little fingers. It was an attempt to engage someone, but not a very successful one.

One evening last fall I remember seeing two boys running down the sidewalk together and thinking that Henry may never have a playmate like that. It made me sad, and still does a little.

I have learned a vital lesson in my relationship with my daughter, however, that carries right over to Henry: my kids are not going to be like me. It took me years to figure out that Kate is not going to one day wake up and like all the things I like. The same way I'm not going to wake up one day and understand basketball.

So Henry might not have a gang of friends to play football with on the weekends- that's OK. There are worse things than being a bit solitary. He will not be likely to fold to peer pressure, that's for sure!

That said, we are working on peer-relationship types of goals at school: learning to take turns, make conversation, etc.

And I see some encouraging signs. He spent a week at Tommy's sitter during spring break, and a few days this summer. I assumed that he would spend his time doing solitary things: reading or playing on the computer. But both times L reported that Henry played a lot with the kids his age, and the days when it was only "little kids" there with him, he was bored. He likes to "play fight", i.e. play that they are Power Rangers, or Jedi Knights. So that's a pretty mainstream thing to play. We just have to make sure he understands to ask the other kid if he wants to play fight first!

At the IEP meeting, Ms. H was talking about Henry's success with inclusion. I asked if she thought the other kids thought of him as "the weird kid". (I know, not politically correct term. But that's the kind of stuff I worry about, deep down. I don't want my son to be whispered about as the weird kid.) Ms. H said "oh, no, not at all. The other kids seem to really like him." And then our District Special Ed Director pointed out that, at this age, kids don't really judge in that way. They just say, "hey, that kid likes soccer and so do I. I'll be his friend." But they don't say "oh, that kid likes Disney movies and Power Rangers. He's a weirdo."

So I realized that I was giving that a little too much worry.

family matters

The other weekend, while driving up to my friend's house for the birthday party, I heard the old Bob Dylan song Don't Think Twice. The version I heard that day was a cover by Eric Clapton, during a Bob Dylan tribute concert. The version (and vision) that popped immediately into my head, however, was a more folky, harmonic version, sung by a little-known duo: my parents. (Peter, Paul and Mary recorded the version that mom and dad used to cover.)

When I was a kid, my parents would often spend Saturday mornings singing together, dad playing guitar. You're all saying "ahhhhh, how sweet." But I hated it! (Typical, in the way that all kids are bugged by their parents, except that I was not a teenager yet, but an elementary school-age kid.) I didn't think I liked it at the time, but now I adore the songs they used to sing, and love to sing them myself, when no one's listening.*

Since I had the time to think, driving in the car, I started wondering WHY it was that I never wanted mom and dad to sing. I think maybe it seemed so intimate- like having to spend Saturday morning watching your parents make out or something. We were not a very expressive family. Didn't say "I love you" a lot (although it was understood), didn't argue a lot either. I rarely saw my parents hug or kiss. So I think this interaction that felt full of emotion made me uneasy.

And that realization makes me think about Henry. (He never wants us to sing either, but I think that's just because we are too loud or something.) He doesn't seem troubled by "happy" emotions, but gets very upset by any hint of anger or irritation or argument.

Mom and I were recently remembering a cousin's wedding back when I was a kid. One brother spent the evening running around and sliding on the floor of the reception hall and eating too much cake. He got so wild that he ended up throwing up on that same floor.

My other brother sat off in a corner the entire time. That was his way, and still is. (He and my dad could both be said to have "autistic tendencies". Some similarities to Henry, but not as extreme.) Mom remembered that relatives kept asking her "what was wrong" with him. Yes, it must have been a loooong night for my mom!

I felt sad thinking about that, and thinking about how much easier it is for kids now. It didn't seem to be acceptable back then to just say "he doesn't like crowds" or "he's shy". Or to not even bring him to a gathering that you knew would stress him out.

Doesn't it seem wrong that society would be more accepting of a kid who gets really freaked out and throws up than a kid who likes to keep to himself and watch from the sidelines? I hope that we are all working toward better understanding and acceptance of all kinds of kids.

*My parents and brothers are all quite musical. I am the black sheep, in that way. However, writing this blog has made me realize how important music is in my life, so I did inherit a love of music, if not a talent for it.

MOM-NOS is one of my favorite people. Definitely my favorite person in the category of "favorite people I wouldn't recognize if I saw them face to face". :-)

Anyway, she had the clever idea of asking her son to answer the "5 things" questions, and then tagging some of their kid cyber-friends to do the same.

Here are Henry's responses (all are direct quotes):

5 things in our refrigerator:

1. fruit
2. vegetables
3. something to drink (I like orange juice)
4. ice cream (strawberry is your favorite)
5. bacon

5 things in my closet:

1. clothes

5 things in my backpack:

1. Disney papers

5 things in our car:

1. wheels
2. 'puter screens *
3. story tapes

*This comes from our Barney and BJ Visit the Police Station book. Officer Mike shows Barney the police car's computer screens, which show him where he is needed. Henry often gestures to the dashboard and talks about our 'puter screens.

I guess I chose a bad time to ask Tommy the questions. He was in his manic, I-am-really-tired-but-it-doesn't-seem-like-it-because-I'm-being-so-wild mode. He responded "jelly" and "strawberries" to the first question. But to any further questions he would only say "I am running running running running..." as he ran around the living room in circles.

the weekend

Saturday I visited my oldest friend. She lives 2 1/2 hours away, and it's been 2 years since I've seen her! She has an 8-year-old son (E) and a daughter (L) who was celebrating her 4th birthday. I faithfully attended her son's first few birthday parties, but last year got away from me somehow. I decided to just go for the day and just bring one of my kids- traveling light.

I brought Thomas, since he is the "easier" child to take to a birthday party. He's not as likely to be caught with his fingers in the birthday cake, or opening the birthday gifts, which has happened with Henry more than once.

I have decided, though, that next year I will go to E's party, and I will bring the whole family. People seemed disappointed that Henry wasn't there. And a couple times when I made comments about Tommy, like "he is a good eater. He'll try all different kinds of things" my friend would jump in and say "well Henry was always a really good eater too." I am probably being paranoid, but I got the feeling that she felt she had to defend Henry, or thought I was favoring Thomas.

Here's the picture that will get me nominated for mother of the year:

He's bouncing on his Spiderman beach ball party favor, with a sucker in his mouth that came from the pinata. (What a fun party!) But I probably should have told him to stop doing that unsafe thing, rather than thinking "he looks like such a KID!" and taking his picture.

Here's another shot where he looks like such a KID. We were trying to get a picture of me, my friend, and the kids (easier said than done). Besides the flash reflection right above my head, what is my son doing with his hands?!





















(You can see how tan his little legs are getting. He seems fortunate enough to have his daddy's coloring.)

I had a brainstorm this weekend and thought of a good way to store all of Henry's "Disney papers." (Up until now he carried them around and would spread them out on the floor. Then I would pick them up and hide them somewhere until he asked for them again. Some of them have been clutched so long by his sweaty little hands that they are frayed and worn.) I slipped the papers into those clear plastic sheets and put them in a 3-ring binder. Now he can carry them around, look at them easily, they won't get damaged, won't make a mess, and won't look so odd.

5 things, times 4

OK, MOM. You might just be sorry you tagged me, as this list seems quite un-interesting. But here goes.

5 things in my refrigerator:
-leftover fried rice from last night
-bacon and link sausage for my little carnivore, Henry. We buy sausage weekly- the way other people buy milk and bread
-I, on the other hand, have tried to be a vegetarian off and on for the past 18 years or so. So we have three varieties of veggie burgers in the freezer
-small jug of sangria
-water bottle full of hummingbird nectar for my husband's bird feeders

5 things in my closet:
-forlorn, unused yoga mat
-Ohio University hooded sweatshirt that I've had since 1987 when I visited while in high school.
-a pair of maternity pants that I still like to wear! (They're black and stretchy and the kind that just ride under your belly, ok?)
-Several more pairs of black pants
-2 items that I think used to belong to Kate's mom. She gave them to Kate and then Kate didn't want them anymore... That's right, I have hand-me-downs from my husband's ex-wife! (She does have nice taste- a striped Tommy Hilfiger blouse and a salmon colored hooded cardigan from Ann Taylor Loft.)

My wedding dress is in a closet at my parents' house, and my new running shoes are not in the closet, but downstairs by the back door.

(I'm grasping for something interesting here. I assume this exercise is supposed to reveal something about me, and it seems that it is just exposing my thriftiness.)

5 things in my purse:
-2 packs of Extra gum, spearmint and watermelon flavors
-This honey & shea hand cream
-4 lip glosses
-#50 sunscreen
-shopping list for Target from earlier this week- guess I can throw that away...

5 things in my car:
-4 Disney books-on-tape to be returned to the library after work. (Actually, I need to renew Hercules, because they love that one.)
-stroller
-adult and kid-sized umbrellas
-Thomas' Darth Vader sunglasses (I've gotta get a picture of him wearing them. You won't believe how cute he is.)
-6 1/2 years' worth of poptart and donut crumbs, dirt, and spilled coffee, plus a little sand

my little accomplishment

I have started jogging.

Two weeks ago I went for a walk after work. The track has quarter mile markings, and something possessed me to try jogging for 1/4 mile. It was so hard! (I later realized that I had chosen an uphill quarter mile- smart.) But the next day I walked with a little more jogging mixed in. The next day a little more. This week I have been walking to the track (maybe 1/4 mile from my office) after work, jogging around the track once, which equals 1.054 miles, and then walking back to my car.

I am able to do that in about 28 or 29 minutes, and then pick Tommy up from his sitter's all before 6 pm. The only drawback is that I don't really cool down much afterwards, so I show up at L's house all sweaty and tomato-red-faced. (I am one of those people whose faces turn bright red at the slightest exertion, and then stay red for an hour.)

I have jogged (please note that I don't use the word run) 12 out of the past 14 days. I go so slowly that all the other joggers pass me. Some of the runners pass me like 3 times during my one lap around the track.

I just feel good that I have finally figured out something that works for me. I have never been an athlete. But in high school, college, and pre-son married life, I did exercise pretty regularly. Henry's birth sent that out the window. I didn't have the time in the evenings to spare anymore. I think when he was 8 months old or so, I started getting up and walking at 5 am. That plan worked for a few years- I liked having the quiet time to myself in the mornings.

But the morning thing doesn't really work anymore. And I'm finally changing my preconception that "you have to exercise for 45 minutes or it doesn't count." So now I think I've found something that I can squeeze in a half hour- make myself sweat a lot, make my muscles work a little, and not take away from work or family or any of the other things I juggle.

I don't have lofty long-term aims of running marathons, or fitting into my pre-baby clothes. (Those would be nice side affects, don't get me wrong.) Right now I just have the day-to-day challenge of keeping up with this and trying to change the way I feel about myself- getting back a little control. Wish me luck.

I'm feeling nervous

The first day of Easter Seals "summer camp" went well yesterday. The drop off was a little rough. We arrived at the same time as a little girl who was very adamant about NOT wanting to go in. She was actually a pretty large and strong-seeming little girl, and her parents were struggling with her to get her inside. Of course both my boys were staring at her with the widest eyes. I noticed that her parents' van had an autism awareness magnet too.

When we got to the classroom, Henry spotted some puzzles up on a shelf. The teacher said "we got those just for you, Henry" and I think they really did.

This morning his teacher told me that yesterday was great, and they were all pleasantly surprised that Henry participated in circle time, etc. with no protest. I gave her some notes from Ms. H about motivators and certain techniques that work with Henry. Today is their class's swimming day, so that should be fun and should wear Henry out!

When we walked in this morning Henry kept saying that he didn't want to go in, etc. I hesitate to put words in his mouth for him, but at one point I said "do you feel nervous about starting something new?" And Henry said "yes. I'm feeling nervous." He kept repeating it while I talked with his teacher. I said "I know, Henry, I feel nervous when I start something new too. And I feel nervous when YOU start something new. But you'll have a fun day today."

While waiting for a prescription yesterday, I picked up the Chicken Little storybook for Henry. We already have 2 sticker books and a different story book, but you know that he likes to have the entire library for each movie. I felt a little sheepish, buying him a present for no reason, and thought I might keep it hidden until a special occasion. Well of course the special occasion came last night!

The past couple days he has been fixating on this part of the DVD Mulan: rent the DVD and go to the "special features" menu. This calming new-agey music plays while line drawings of Mushu and Cri-kee are drawn and then disappear and then are drawn again. Henry watches it over and over. I can actually see why he enjoys it- he likes to watch people draw anyway (a subject for another post). So he watched that for probably half an hour while the rest of us chatted and played with legos. When Henry took a potty break, Bill turned off the DVD. Henry was upset, so I told him that I had a surprise for him. He said "I want to guess what it is!" This surprised me, so I said "ok", and waited for him to guess...

Well he must have just heard that phrase before, because he got irritated when I prompted "what do you think it is?"

Anyway, he was so excited about the book, and many times during the night he said "thank you mommy for getting me this Chicken Little book from Kroger!" (He also asked a couple times which aisle I had gotten it from- I guess trying to picture the spot in the store?)

I just read this great essay that Alexander's Daddy posted. Go read it.

perspective

Remember a couple weekends ago I was frustrated because Henry wouldn't go outside? Well this weekend I decided to try harder to join him in his activities, rather than force him to join us in ours. It's just as fun to spend a Saturday afternoon reading with him in his bedroom as it is to be splashing in the little pool in the 90 degree weather. (And safer for our pale skin too.)

If I take a few minutes to step into his world, I gain a new perspective.

We have this box of animal fact cards from when Kate was younger. One of those sets that you pay for in installments and they mail you 10 more cards every month or something. So Henry was looking through these thousands of cards and had them spread out all over the floor. He was attempting to read each card which is such a thrill for me. And he's really good at sounding out/guessing what a word might be.

I showed him that each animal has a different color code, depending whether it's a mammal, a bird, an invertebrate, etc. I thought the sorting aspect might really click with him. But he didn't really respond. He kept flipping through the cards. Then, suddenly, he was finished, and asked me to pick up all the "water cards", gesturing to the pile of cards to his left. Turns out that he had already been sorting the cards. He was putting every picture that involved water into a pile. This included not only obvious ones, like dolphins, sharks, and whales, but also the zebra and the hippo, as the pictures on those cards depicted the animals drinking. "The zebra is right behind the water", Henry explained.

Later I asked him to come look out the window into the back yard. "See what Tommy is doing?" I asked. Again, Henry didn't really respond. So I kept on prompting: "see, he's scooping some water from the water table. Now he's carrying it across the yard and dumping it in the pool. Oh, he spilled some."

Henry didn't respond to any of this. But he pointed, and said, "it's a baby daddy."

Thomas and Bill were both wearing wide canvas sunhats. From above, we couldn't really see their faces. Henry thought Tommy looked like a "baby daddy"- a smaller version of the same thing.

I told Grandpa the story last night, during my father's day phone call, and he suggested that Henry might also have noticed a similarity in how Bill and Tommy move- their mannerisms and gestures.

It's so easy for me to dismiss Henry as one-dimensional sometimes: he only wants to watch Disney movies, or look at the same pieces of paper over and over... but God, there's so much going on inside that tousled blond head. He really just needs those familiar things to help him put some order to it all.

maybe I'm just a scrooge

They did a feature during the NBA game last night about Jason McElwain, the autistic kid who is usually a team manager, but got put in the game and scored 20 points in 3 minutes. I was as touched as anyone when I first heard that story. And I still get chills and tears in my eyes when I read about it. But yet there's also a little part of me who is becoming irritated by all the attention the media is giving this story.

I am trying to put my finger on why this bugs me. I think it's because, while this is bringing great public attention to the face of autism, what autism is and what it isn't, I'm starting to get the urge to shout "Jason is an awesome kid! So is my kid! So is every other child with autism! They achieve great things every day! More important things than scoring baskets!" The message should not be that Jason is some fluke autistic kid who achieved something, and so is to be celebrated. The message should be that all our kids have abilities to do all kinds of different things, if given the chance. And I'm worried that this message is getting missed.

singing away the stress

I posted quite a while ago (on Valentine's day- I can't figure out how to do the link) about songs that make you smile. Today I heard a great one on my way to work: Ball and Chain by Social Distortion. (You can click on the link to watch a video- I didn't find a link to just hear the song.)

Bill is out of town this week. I like to think that I do everything around the house anyway, so what's the big deal if he's gone? But I guess he helps more than I realize, because yesterday was very stressful!

-Tommy isn't feeling well, and is VERY whiny. I took him to the doctor on my lunch hour, and his ears are ok, it's just a virus.

-Henry is really freaked out, (I mean, dysregulated :-) by:
a.) school ending
b.) the Easter Seals program hasn't started yet, so his big sister is watching him this week. She is really doing great with him, and they have fun together, but it's just something DIFFERENT, you know?
c.) Daddy is gone. Yesterday Henry told Kate "Daddy will be home in no time." (This is a mantra that he often repeats when someone is away at work or whatever.) Kate told him that Bill will be home Friday night. Henry replied "today is Thursday!"

-Kate had a youth group activity last night in an opposite area of town. All three of us had to drop her off and pick her up- both boys whining in my ears the entire time. By the time we got home Kate could tell that I was ready to lose it, so she helped the boys clean up their room and get ready for bed, while I sat on the couch and ate some Dairy Queen (brownie batter blizzard) and drank a glass of wine! Thanks, Kate.

This morning I dropped Tommy off, drove through Starbucks and splurged on a half-decaf coffee (I know, I'm a mom gone wild in my minivan), and then the Social Distortion song came on. It was just what I needed to hear, for some reason. I turned it up really loud and sat in the parking lot at work, singing along in my very loud off-key way.

Maybe I just need a moment like that to make me feel like I actually still have some freedom of choice in my life. Some independence, even if it's as meager as sitting alone and looking like a dork as I sing along.

I thought about my friend Sal, and others who ride public transportation to and from work. When is their opportunity to sing at the top of their lungs?

you want me to tell you...

Henry has been asking some tough questions lately. And I like what they reveal about his development.

It's been a year or more since Henry started describing the way characters in his favorite movies were feeling: "Simba is saaad" he would say, moving to get right in front of my face and look me in the eye. I was happy with that development because, for a long time, Henry ran away from any discussion of unpleasant emotions. He ran away, literally and figuratively- in speech therapy they would show him those posters with a series of emotion faces and he would cry and yell and refuse to look at them.

So it was good when Henry became able to label emotions and identify how someone was feeling. But now I realize something was missing. (I have not been trained in RDI, but I think this is the kind of missed link one is getting at with that program- comments are welcome here on this subject. Teach me!)

Over the weekend as he watched some favorite Disney movies, Henry again would comment "Simba is sad." And I would agree (Henry always wants you to repeat back what he has said. If you don't, he continues to repeat it until you do.)

But then Henry said "you want me to tell you why he is sad?" (His pronoun use has become much better, especially in routine situations. But in a situation like this, where he is venturing into new territory, he lapses back into his "backwards" talk.)

He also asked about Aurora (Sleeping Beauty): "you want me to tell you why she is sad?"

Those are tough questions kid. Simba is sad because his father is dead and Simba thinks he is responsible for his father's death. I'd really rather not explain that. Aurora is sad because she just found out that, although she just met a handsome stranger in the woods, she is being forced to marry a prince she's never met. (Sleeping Beauty, by the way, has to be the dumbest and most offensive of the Disney movies.)

So, although he has long been able to identify someone as "sad", he has never understood WHY they are sad. It's pretty hard to find your way through life if you're missing that much background information. What is a good way for me to explain these things to him?

(It's also interesting that he asks questions in such a convoluted way lately. It shows me how much his mind is really working! He will look out the window into the back yard and say "you want me to tell you what I did with the slip-n-slide?" Such a more complicated question than "where is the slip-n-slide?")

and now, back to your regular programming

My husband hopes that I don't hurt myself getting down off my soapbox. So I'll be very careful...

To update on the past couple posts:

-I decided to go with Barnes & Noble gift cards for the teachers, along with a little candle from the Bath & Body Works sale right next door. I was tempted to get gift certificates to a local ice cream place (mostly because that's what sounded really good to me) but decided B&N was safer- you can get not only books, but music or movies...

-Bill and I had a date Friday night, in honor of our anniversary. We walked to a neighborhood restaurant for a slightly fancy dinner and wine. Then we walked a few doors down to that ice cream place I just mentioned. Finally, we walked to the local little movie theater to see The DaVinci Code. What a fun night. I hope this doesn't sound terrible, but sometimes when we have a great time alone like that, it makes me extra irritated by our "real life" with kids. Maybe that was a reason for my mood Saturday?

Another reason I get frustrated with an issue like Henry going outside is that I wonder- "what is the best for my child?" It just seems like it's a mom's job to encourage her child to go outside. But it's a weekend, and the rest of us are doing things that bring us pleasure. Is it wrong to let Henry do what brings him pleasure? What is my obligation here as his mother? To force him to do something because it is "what kids are supposed to do"?

-I have not been "pissed off mom" ever since Saturday. I have still had my moments, but I have tried (as Kyra wisely suggested) to acknowledge when I'm being grumpy/irrational and apologize.

This morning I tried to get Henry to write his name on the gift tags for his teachers. Don't ask me why I go through that routine with him when I KNOW that he is going to refuse and get upset. The thing that makes it even worse is that his 2-year-old brother chimes in "yeah, Bubba. You write your name!" This makes Henry mad. Then, when I say "Tommy, you don't need to get involved with this. Just eat your breakfast" and Tommy starts crying, it makes everything worse. I ended up saying "you are both making me really mad" and throwing down the gift tags! Mature. But I didn't say what I wanted to say, which was "how damn hard is it to write your name on this gift for your teacher?!" I guess that's the thing- it is really damn hard for Henry.

As we walked out to the car for his ride to school, he told me that he doesn't want to go to the new school. I think he is really worried about that. And it's hard for me to comfort him, because I'm worried about it too. This year went so well. It's hard to start over.

it's love, stupid

“We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”-The Declaration of Independence

I don't usually venture into hot political topics here, but this really has me steamed. I am a partner in a traditional, opposite-sex, marriage, and I really don't see what all the fuss is about. I do not feel threatened by people of the same sex who choose to marry. Am I missing something? Are they taking something from the rest of us? Getting some kind of privilege that the rest of us aren't? (Like a big tax break or a government contract?)

I have two younger brothers. They are both smart, sweet, clever, sensitive, creative, talented, funny and breath-takingly handsome. Each one shares his home and his life with a special person that he cares about. Neither one is married. One lives here in the US with a woman. The other lives in Australia with a man.

How many people in this world go through life trying to find someone to love and who will love them in return? I know I sound like a bleeding-heart sap, but why do we care who an adult decides to spend his or her life with? As long as no one is being hurt, I say our society needs all the love it can get.

Homosexuals are our co-workers, our friends, our family. They are members of our churches (yes, there is a gay couple who attends my church) and parents to our children's friends. Allow them to become even better members of society by acknowledging their relationship. Who does it hurt?

Or how many more wonderful Americans will we lose to Australia? :-)