what I did on my summer vacation

No- my vacation isn't over. The real vacation hasn't even started yet. But I am enjoying my vacation-before-the-vacation very much. (Tommy's sitter is on her vacation this week, so I had to take this week off too.) Funny how I find it much harder to keep up with reading and writing my blogs when I'm not in front of my computer at work for 8 uninterrupted hours a day. Hmmm. (Don't tell my boss.)

I took quite a few pictures of stuff that caught my eye over the weekend- I was feeling really warm and fuzzy. I guess that's a given when your time off from work starts. But I had another reason too: one of my very best friends confided in me last week that she is having some pretty serious troubles at home. Thursday night I had trouble sleeping- thinking about it all. But aside from the worry, another effect this news had on me was to make me look around at my life with fresh eyes and appreciate it just a little more. You know how that is? It feels a little wrong to let someone else's unhappiness cause me to revel in my own, but that's what happens sometimes.

Friday night I was invited to a friend's house for one of those "parties" where someone's trying to sell you something. This time it was makeup/beauty products. Even though I didn't know most of the women there very well, I had a nice time and was glad I went. Then Saturday I went to lunch and a movie (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) with another friend! Now, I only have about 4 real-life friends, and I got to do something with 2 of them last weekend- no wonder I was feeling so good! And Bill hung out with the boys all that time with no problems.

The HP movies are always inferior to the books as far as the storyline goes, but I really enjoyed this one for the mood that it set- very well-done, I thought. I have been skimming #s 5 & 6 in preparation for the 7th. I have also been reading 2 other new autism books: Susan Senator's Making Peace with Autism, and Autistic Planet by Jennifer Elder.

Autistic Planet is such a cute, rhyming children's book: an autistic child explains what life is like on her "planet". It's a great book to read to your autistic child, or your typical child who has an autistic kid in their class... The only thing I am struggling with a little is that I haven't had "the autism talk" with Henry. And I wonder if there needs to be a "talk", or if I read him a book like this and say "you know, you're autistic", if that would blow his mind. Obviously he knows he's in a different class at school, and I'm sure he's heard the word autism batted around, but I wonder what he thinks of it? I'd love to know what any of you have said (or not said) to your children...

Susan Senator's book isn't new- just new to me. I usually have a problem getting through "autism books". I haven't been able to put a finger on why that is? But I don't have the same feeling about Susan's book, and I think it may be because I "know" her a little better from reading her blog, so I have a feeling about how it will end. Maybe other books worry me because I don't know if the author will end up hating autism, or curing autism, or deciding it was all caused by pesticides in their water... It certainly can't be that I'm afraid I'll find out some new bad information about life with autism. I'm living it every day and there's nothing that should surprise me anymore!

We have still been taking Henry to Easter Seals' summer camp this week. I feel a twinge of guilt dropping him off there every morning and then returning home with his little brother, but I truly believe that the structure and continuation of school routine are necessary for him. If he were at home he would want to watch movies or play on the computer all day, and to be brutally honest, I am not tough enough myself to force him to have craft time or challenge him in other ways. I would end up saying "awww, it's his summer vacation too. I'll just let him do what he wants."

Monday we picked him up from camp and visited his favorite library. Then we stopped at the pool in that neighborhood for a quick dip. Henry obliged by getting in the pool for a bit, but then retreated to a towel to look at his new library books.

Yesterday we picked him up a couple hours early and went to a "golf and games" place- they have miniature golf, a game arcade, and a big "funzone" with climbing tubes and ball pits and stuff. I had planned for us to spend our time in the funzone area, but we actually played a lot of arcade games and it was so much fun! Both boys were surprisingly good at air hockey! Henry really enjoyed skee-ball (I assisted him, hand-over-hand). I would never have considered a video arcade to be a worthwhile outing, but Henry actually used a lot of fine and gross motor skills there, so we may have to do this more often.

Here are some of the pictures I took over the weekend:


This is the plant Henry gave me for Mother's Day. It has been blooming so beautifully. On the other windowsill:

Some lovely squash from the garden of one of Bill's co-workers.

We took the inflatable jumpy out to the front yard this weekend to wear Thomas out. I don't know how well you can see it, but I took this picture because I was noticing the birthmark (angel kiss or whatever it's called) on his forehead. Very visible when he was first born, now I only notice it when he is exerting himself.

I bought myself some gladiolus (spell?) at the grocery store. Happy vacation to me!

Thomas brought this poster home from Grandma and Grandpa's house- it belonged to one of my brothers. Thank goodness we are such packrats in my family!

Although I did let Henry watch a lot of movies over the weekend, I also got him to play a few games with me ("first a game, then a movie"). Here, he had won at animal bingo (he was playing with 2 cards- the jaguar and the lion. Guess he couldn't decide on just one big cat.)

I have been tagged by a couple friends for the "8 things" meme. I am composing it in my head and hope to post before we leave on the beach vacation. Until then, you can click here to read the old "10 things" that went around way back when.

pics from Grandpa's new camera

(Henry is reading the beloved Return of the Jedi story tape book from the library. Glad dad got a picture of it.)

Thanks, everyone, for your great suggestions on my post below. Keep 'em coming. We're not leaving for the beach until the 20th or 21st (discussions continue as to the merits of splitting the drive into 2 days vs. plugging through in one day).

As always when one of the kids is gone, this week is strange. It takes a few days to get used to having one less kid, and just when I do get used to it, he'll be back. I took an aimless trip to the store after work yesterday, just because I could. Bought myself some Diesel sneakers cheap at TJ Maxx.

It's fun to have a little more time and attention to give to Henry. He's been asking a lot of "what comes after..." questions. Like "Thursday is my horseback riding lesson with Mrs. Pam." "That's right," I reply. "What comes after my horseback riding lesson?" "Umm, well, shower and bedtime, I guess." "And what happens on Friday?"...

This morning we looked at his calendar and talked about some things that are coming up this summer. Then, as I was packing his lunch, Henry came running into the kitchen and said "Oobi is watching a doctor." (I hope I remembered that correctly- he wanted to say Oobi is seeing a doctor, but didn't have the words quite right...) So we talked about doctors a bit.

Then Henry said "Mommy, come with me and you will be the doctor." He wanted to play!!!!!!! Of course I went along- who cares if I'm late(r) to work?

"Mommy, please get the doctor kit from the toy box upstairs." If you think about it, this whole exchange is quite remarkable:

1. He wanted to play

2. He thought of a toy we could use to play

3. He thought of where that toy was

4. He communicated all that info to me

Although I don't think he's ever watched any of the movies, my little pop culture sponge is all caught up in the excitement of the newest Harry Potter movie. This morning he had me recite the names of all the movies ("I just like the movies. I don't like the books.") so many times that I finally wrote them down for him.

You'll notice I didn't ask for vacation reading suggestions- I'll be reading The Deathly Hallows, of course.

summer vacation

Now we are getting into the real summer part of summer: vacation.

Thomas' sitter, L, takes 2 weeks off in the summer. We usually try to coordinate our vacation with hers, of course, but this year it didn't work out that way. She is gone today through the 20th, and our vacation starts the 21st!* So Tommy is staying with my parents this week, and I will stay home with him next week. We just took him to Grandma and Grandpa's last night and so far he has gone out for ice cream, run through the fountains at an outside mall, swam in their pool, stayed up late watching a movie, and fallen asleep with Grandpa. This morning he didn't even care to talk to me on the phone.

*Most years for our summer vacation we visit Bill's family's cottage on a lake in Northern Michigan. But this summer we are doing something different: my mother-in-law has rented a house on the ocean in North Carolina and we will all be vacationing there together (Bill's mom and her husband, his brother, sister, their spouses, and 2 children each).

My kids have never been to the ocean before, so I'd love to hear any suggestions of things we should be sure to do. Those of you who are lucky enough to live near the ocean: do your kids like to just play in the waves and build sand castles? Or do I need to have some other tricks up my sleeve?

Independence Day photo blog

9:30 am: We arrive at the designated parade-watching site and settle in.

Henry digs in to his two huge donuts- picking them apart from the outside-in. (At the donut table, Bill told him "take one" and Henry attempted to carry off ONE BOX of donuts. Hee hee.)

Thomas, usually subdued at first in a new situation, sits down to watch.

This is Henry's "excited" pose. He waves his arms and kicks his feet as he watches the parade. It doesn't get much better in Henry's world. (Or mine either, come to think of it.)

Thomas livens up a little and retrieves some of the candy thrown from the passing floats. He did a great job chewing several pieces of bubble gum without swallowing them.

Henry eventually can sit no more. He runs out to wave at the passing parade.

Thomas' sugar begins to kick in. It's becoming harder to get a picture.

Got some excited energy to burn? How about attacking Daddy?

Henry would run back and forth, waving to the folks in the parade and then coming to report to us on what he had seen.

"They waved back at me!" He would say, "this is the best parade I ever saw!" (Until next year, I'm sure.)

The only downside to this holiday for us was that we were home from the parade by 11 a.m. The next event on the boys' radar was the fireworks: just 11 short hours away. We spent a lot of time yesterday talking about the clock, and answering the question "is it getting dark yet?"

A thunderstorm at 3 pm didn't help either- it meant that we couldn't go to the playground to kill some time. Next year we will have to plan some other events to get us through the day.

This next picture is one of my new very favorites. Kate came along with us to the fireworks and I can't remember the last time she did that. She's usually at her mom's house on the 4th or just too cool to hang out with us!

So here she is with the boys, waiting for the fireworks to start. They did not disappoint!

Thomas cried when the fireworks were over. Henry asked "why is Tommy crying?" After I explained it, Henry went over, put his hand on Tommy's shoulder, bent over and tilted his head in order to look Tommy in the face, and said "It's all right, Tommy." What a great big brother!

library, fainting, and acting locally

So there's this book Henry likes to borrow from the library: The Return of the Jedi story tape and book. He likes it so much, and it is so old (I'm sure it's from when the movie first came out, when I was a kid), that the last time we returned it, several pages had fallen out.

That was probably 6 months ago, if not more. And every time we've been to the library since, he looks for it. Every time, I look it up in the computer and the status says DAMAGED. I figured it was beyond repair, and they were just going to take it out of circulation. I have searched for a copy online to buy, but haven't found one.

As he has grown older, Henry has gotten better about understanding when something can't be his way. He doesn't throw a screaming fit in the library, like he might have a few years ago, but he also won't let go of asking about that book. He's a persistent one.

We were at the library yesterday and, before I could stop him, Henry took matters into his own hands, went up and asked the librarian about the book!!!!

She went into the back room, retrieved it, and taped it right before his eyes! (She said she had been hoping to replace it, but she also had not been able to find another copy.)

Henry was beaming. And so was I. I can't explain how proud I was of him for taking the initiative to ask. He wasn't afraid to talk to the librarian, all on his own, and she (mostly) understood just what he wanted and satisfied his request.

It gives me hope that he'll be able to go far on his own in life. Maybe farther than me, who is content to just believe what it says in the database, and not question it!
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Awhile back I wrote about the predisposition Henry and I have towards fainting. At that point, much to my relief, it had never happened to Thomas.

Well, that changed this weekend. When I picked him up at his sitter's Friday, he was jumping on her trampoline. He fell, like he does 30 times a day, 5 days a week. But this time he kind of stopped crying and lay still. An older boy happened to be up there with him and we asked the boy to pick Tommy up. When he did, I could see that Tommy was arching his back. I scrambled up there as best I could (have you ever tried to get up on a trampoline FAST? With that damn safety net all around it?) as Tommy's eyes were rolling back in his head. I sort of tossed him out to L, and by that time he was back "with us". Looking around like he didn't know where he was, and very pale. The whole episode probably lasted 45 seconds. But it sure scared the hell out of L and me.

I was hoping that, because of his more advanced communication skills, Thomas might be able to tell me more about what happened than Henry ever could. But he didn't seem to remember it. All he said was that he fell and his leg hurt.

I believe this might be a tendency that we've inherited from my dad's side of the family- others on that side have had similar incidents. My dad is one of 11 children, and grew up on a farm. I sure wish that my grandma was still around to ask about this. I suppose by the time the 5th child did this she didn't even flinch- just patted him on the head and went back to work!
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In other news, I met another real-life parent of an autistic kid at gymnastics class. The first evening I laid eyes on this boy as he barreled through the door and headed towards the bathrooms, and heard the way his mom spoke to him: "Shoes. Cubby." I knew he must be autistic.

Last week she struck up a conversation with me about Thomas. She said she'd been watching him and thought he was a cutie (well, duh.) I kind of awkwardly worked into the conversation that I had an older son who had an autism spectrum disorder, and she confirmed that her son did too. It's funny, it seemed like she was drawn to Thomas for some of the same reasons that I get an extra kick out of him: because he's so TYPICAL. Just does normal little boy stuff, most of the time effortlessly. Moms who don't have a child who struggles doubtlessly take that for granted.

Anyway, I felt a little silly because she was asking me if I'm on some local listservs and chatrooms, which I'm not. She has friends with ASD kids who live in my neighborhood! But I don't know them. For one thing, her son is 4, and most of the other kids she knows are the same age. It's interesting how many more opportunities there are for kids just a few years younger than Henry. Interesting and frustrating, but I'm not bitter, am I?

So maybe I'll meet some new people and find some new opportunities for Henry out of this. I'm a little reluctant in some weird way. Maybe my internet friends feel safer to me than real-life people. On the internet we can choose which days we want to interact and which days we don't. And we can control what our friends know about us and what they don't... Gosh, I sound paranoid. And anti-social.

riding lessons

Several people have asked for more information about our horseback riding. We had our first real lesson last night. But first, let me tell you how we got here.

I know nothing about horses. I think I rode one once, at camp in 6th grade. But my dad grew up on a dairy farm, and I have a sentimental spot for farm life and farm animals. Henry shares that interest- either he was born with it or I created it in him- and we enjoy going to the state fair together and visiting that dairy farm that we last went to on Mother's Day.
Last year at the fair, Henry showed a lot of interest in the horses. I had read about some other kids taking therapeutic riding lessons and thought "well, I'll look into that." I don't know about the rest of you, but lots of times "looking into" something is easier said than done. Grandma and Grandpa had offered to pay for Henry's lessons as a birthday gift last August, and we are just now starting them!

Kate has a friend who rides horses, and we know a woman at church who rides also. I asked both of them if they knew of anyone who did therapeutic riding, and waited and waited for their answers. I searched online and found quite a few promising stables, but they were all an hour or more away from us, and I was sure there must be something closer.

Finally, 6 months later, Kate's friend came through with the name of a woman who boards horses at her same stable. I called Pam, and grew so excited as I talked with her. She is a psychologist who works at the state Department of Mental Health as well as being a Certified Riding Instructor and "Certified Equine-Assisted Psychotherapist" and 4-H adviser.

I'm sure that the cost would vary, according to where you live, but Pam charges $30/1-hour private lesson, $20/half-hour private lesson. And she is letting us pay-as-we-go, rather than making us commit to 10 lessons up-front or something. (Although if things continue to go this well, I think we'll be doing this year-round, along with the swimming lessons.)

Last night she had Henry help her get T out of his stall and groom him, all the while telling Henry the names of all the equipment she was using.

Then they walked T outside, and she asked Henry to pull the gate shut. (Dumb mommy lesson #1- Henry should wear jeans and sneakers next time. Not shorts and CROCS.)

Note Henry's posture in the below photo. This is one of the things they will work on. Pam reminded him several times to sit up straight, and it was almost as if he wasn't sure what that meant. He will gain strength and muscle tone, just by riding and holding the reins with proper posture.

I was asked to help walk the horse (so I am learning too), while Pam walked alongside Henry. He remembered to say "walk on" when he wanted the horse to go, and "whoa" when he wanted to stop. Pam kept quizzing him on the parts of the saddle, etc. and reminding him to sit up straight and proud. That was one thing that struck me last time, when we watched the girls having a lesson: how proud, poised, and confident (but not arrogant) they seemed.

And I was really struck by the fact that horseback riding is not only about learning a skill- it is also about the relationship with the horse- the respect between horse and rider. I mean, T could have effortlessly tossed my kid 40 feet over a fence if he wanted, but instead he swished his tail so patiently and walked so well with me, even though I'm sure he could tell I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Just like last time, Henry's internal alarm suddenly went off, and he was ready to be done. I hadn't really paid attention, but Pam said that he had ridden about 20 minutes, and she seemed genuinely pleased and proud of what he had done.

So, it took us almost a year to figure this out, but I think this picture speaks for itself- it was worth the wait!

tugging at my heartstrings this week

-Henry is having a great week at L's house. He's been to the pool, a magic show at the library, the park, and an indoor climbing "funzone" kind of place. In most cases he is interacting with his peers more than I would have expected, and melting down less than I would have expected. (Or, L isn't telling me the whole story!)

He covered his ears a lot during the magic show, and that was the same day as the baseball game. Probably too much new stuff in one week.

Also, the brothers are having some great reciprocal "conversations" lately: answering one another's questions, etc. It feels strange- I thought I would be mediating their interactions forever!
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-Tommy started the summer session of gymnastics yesterday. He's in a higher age bracket now- one where the parents just sit and watch. So after a year of changing my clothes and running around out there with him, shouting encouragement and praise, now I'm just supposed to sit and read People Magazine.

Don't get me wrong, I like reading People Magazine, and maybe next time I'll bring an iced green tea or something to drink. But yesterday I thought I might cry. The teacher said "he's growing up!" and I was like "waaaaa!"

I look at Thomas and think "please don't ever grow up into a teenager. Just stay 3 forever- I wouldn't mind." He could keep dressing up like a super hero and asking me to carry him "like a baby" until eternity, and I would love it. Although the waking up crying for no reason? And the whining? Maybe I would get tired of that.

For another: my friend Mamaroo is getting ready to have her third baby. She has written about taking time to enjoy this last pregnancy, as she doesn't plan to have another. I guess that line of thought has infiltrated my mind, and reminded me to enjoy Tommy's littleness, because I won't ever have another 3-year-old.

The cool thing about gymnastics was- the kids all did great without their mommies and daddies out there. All the stuff we thought they needed our help for? They didn't need it.
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We have been listening to Peter, Paul, and Mary lately, ever since Henry sang Puff the Magic Dragon in music class. It's a nice change from the Disney music we usually listen to, and I love to hear the boys sing along. You're never too young to learn about harmony. This morning I was watching Henry wake up, and listened to these words:

Tell me why you're smiling my son
Is there a secret you can tell everyone?
Do you know more than men that are wise?
Can you see what we all must disguise
through your loving eyes?

And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
Day is done, Day is done
Day is done, Day is done

Man, those folk singers don't mess around, do they? BAM- they get you right where you live.

having an autistic brother means giving up your french fries

This wasn't a catastrophe. It would probably not merit a mention if you asked either of my sons to summarize their day today. But it's an example of the additional dilemmas autism brings to the life of our family- the things I worry about as a mother.

A friend's son had a baseball game tonight at the fields near our office. I picked up both boys from L's house, drove through Burger King (Fantastic Four toys in their happy meals) and met my friend at the game. Tommy and Henry sat on the bleachers and I distributed the food. Henry ate about half his french fries and then asked for Tommy's. Tommy was not eating any of his food, but when I asked if he wanted to share his fries with his brother, he shook his head "no".

I told Henry that he should finish his own fries, eat some of his chicken nuggets, and then we'd see if Tommy had any fries left that he wanted to share. "No! I want to eat HIS fries!" Henry started trying to push Tommy and reach for his food.

I moved Henry to the bleacher below me (hoping out of sight, out of mind) and tried to keep watching the game. Henry continued to argue about wanting more fries, and Tommy kept insisting that he didn't want to give any up. I threatened Henry that he would lose computer privileges if he kept acting this way, and he SCREAMED. Right when my friend's son (R) was starting to pitch. R walked his first batter. I'm sure that Henry's screaming didn't have much, if anything, to do with it, but nevertheless I felt very uncomfortable.

I told Tommy "I'm going to give Henry your fries (Tommy still wasn't eating anything) and we'll stop on the way home and get you some more. Maybe we can even get some ice cream on the way home too..." I was losing all my marbles. This is not the mom I want to be.

I want to tell my kid something (you can't have your brother's french fries) and stick with it. I want to be consistent. I don't want to punish the neurotypical kid for being normal and reward the autistic kid for behaving inappropriately. I don't want to do that, but then I do. Because I want to watch 1/2 an hour of a 9-year-old kid's baseball game. Why is that such an impossible dream?

As it was, Henry ate all the second helping of french fries, none of his chicken nuggets, and said he was ready to go home. So we left.

I did get to see R get up to bat and pitch an inning, so I didn't mind leaving. But this was a disappointing reminder that we have not come so far after all. We are not quite like the rest of the families.

Tonight I told Henry I wanted to talk about what had happened. I told him that it's not ok to eat his brother's food- they each have their own food and Tommy should not have to give his up. I also told him that it's not ok to scream and yell like that when he doesn't get his way. I pointed out that it might bother the kids who are trying to play baseball. Henry started crying, and said "I don't like baseball." He kept repeating it over and over.

So I tried to teach a little lesson and all I succeeded in doing was turning it around in his mind so that now Henry doesn't like baseball.

I made sure to thank Thomas more than once for giving up his french fries. I told him it was a very nice and very grownup thing to do. He was kind of like "whatever, mommy". But I worry that this will become his destiny- he'll always have to make sacrifices to make his brother happy, and will come to resent it.
I'm not sure what I can do except keep being honest with both of them. And maybe buy a larger size fry next time.

walk on

This always happens. I wait too long to post about one subject, and then another is running up behind it, trying to crowd it out of the way. Sometimes I intend to write one post and put off the other for another day, but that never happens. It usually works better for me to just spout out about all of it, all at once.

So, the horseback riding. We are off to a spectacular start! Henry was so excited when we got to the farm (after mapquest sent us on a delaying detour) that he unbuckled his own seat belt and jumped out of his seat. I've never seen him do that before. He raced/danced around from one fenced area to the next, looking at all the horses.

Ms. Pam was conducting a class with three nine-year-old girls (not a therapeutic class, just a regular riding class). She had each girl introduce herself and her horse to Henry. Then Pam found Henry a helmet, helped him up onto the horse, and led him around the yard. Actually, one of the young girls (named Katie) led the horse, and Pam walked alongside, with her hand on Henry's back. My *&@% camera batteries were dead, but I was at least able to snap a few with my phone.

The horse's name was "T", and Pam told Henry to say "walk on T" to make T go. Henry shouted it with gusto! Then they practiced saying "whoa". After a few times, Katie said, "Ms. Pam, I'm not even making T stop!" The horse was really responding to Henry.

He was only on the horse for maybe 10 minutes, then Katie showed Henry all around the farm. She told him the names of all the other horses, and what kinds of horses they were. It was so cute to see these girls who obviously LOVE horses.

As Pam was gathering some information for me, and trying to schedule our first real lesson, Henry suddenly said "I'm ready to go home." We had been there about 1/2 an hour, and I think all the excitement was suddenly too much for him.

As I relayed this story to a friend, she pointed out that Henry telling me "I'm ready to go home" is a vast improvement over what his behavior might have been a few years ago: screaming, kicking, pinching. These all probably would have been directed at me, at Ms. Pam, even at his new little riding friends. As it was, he tried to hold it together until we could leave. I was just about proud enough to burst throughout this evening!

Unfortunately, we did need to make one more stop after that- the riding store was right down the street, and I wanted to get his helmet then so we would have it for the next lesson. The service was friendly, but slow (it's different out there in the country, I guess :-) and Henry was definitely ready to go home by then. He started saying things like "I don't want this helmet. I don't want to ride a horse. I don't like riding horses. This helmet is not the right size!"

I was so wishing that the salesperson would just ignore him, but instead she seemed quite concerned. "You don't like this helmet? Do you want a different color? Well, your mom just wants to keep you safe. Oh, you have to wear a helmet to be safe."

I was about ready to scream "my son has autism and he's overstimulated by the excitement of all this- just give me the helmet already and let us get out of here!"

It's been awhile since I've felt that way. I somewhat wanted to convey to this woman that my son was autistic, but felt a little awkward to say so right in front of Henry. How have some of you dealt with this kind of situation?
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This week Henry is going to the sitter (L) with Tommy, and then next week the Easter Seals summer program starts. L and I were talking about the week's activities, and I decided I should take Henry to their neighborhood pool ahead of time, so he would know what to expect. It's actually a really nice pool with a huge shallow end and with steps leading into it. But I know Henry, and I know that he will resist doing anything new. (I mean, except riding a horse!)

So I took the boys to the pool on Friday. As I suspected, Henry started repeating "I will just watch. I will not get in the pool." He'll say something like that even as he's walking right toward the steps. But most adults (as I would want them to) will listen to his words and say "OK, you don't have to get in."

I took both boys' hands and walked right in to the pool. Henry started bobbing and splashing and grinning and said "It feels great. I love it!"

Just when I was feeling like champion mother of the month for figuring him out, I looked around. No one else was in the pool. No one. Then I noticed some kids around the edge of the pool giving us dirty looks.

It was adult swim. I had to tell both my sons to get out of the pool again.

Just when I think I'm one step ahead of a situation, I'm actually two steps behind.
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Kate has been working a TON at her new job. Yesterday she worked 11-4 and we decided to walk up to the restaurant for lunch. Henry and Tommy both complained, whined and argued the WHOLE WAY. It can be so discouraging and disappointing to try to have a normal Sunday afternoon family outing and have it nearly ruined by that kind of behavior. Obviously I can't blame it all on autism, because Tommy was doing just as much whining and arguing. But, he is 3. And he is easier to distract from his moods. But when Henry's in a "mood" too, they just egg one another on.

I tried asking Henry if he was anxious because we were going somewhere new. But that excuse doesn't really make sense to me because, while this restaurant was a new place to us, it is on the same street as the library and Starbucks- and you know those places are very familiar. Henry ended up losing his computer privileges for the rest of the day because of how he acted on our walk.

good news/bad news

Let's start off with the bad news, in order to end on a high note:

-Thomas has an ear infection. It's not causing him any discomfort, because the tubes are doing their job of draining the pus. It's yucky because it looks like snot is running out of his ear, and I need to figure out something to plug/cover his ears for swimming.

This morning he said "mommy, when I walk like this (marching), the drops in my ears make a funny sound." When he is able to communicate details like that to me, it makes me realize how little Henry is able to tell me. It is very difficult for Henry to identify anything that is going on with his body, much less translate that to an adult. Bittersweet.


Well, I guess that's all the bad. Now on to the good:

-Kate got a job for the summer- making subs at a new restaurant up the street. She seems really excited about it.

-We got a new (used) car! It's a 2004 Chrysler Pacifica in the red color. Our minivan and our Honda Civic were both over 10 years old and had over 100,000 miles. Driving this car makes me feel the way I felt when we first bought our house and had central air and a dishwasher: like I'm an imposter. Surely I can't be enough of a grownup to have a house with a dishwasher, or a car with a CD player and doors you can lock and unlock with your keychain!! (And don't forget grownup enough to make a car payment every month. Yuck.)

Tommy and I have been listening to the Beach Boys as we drive.

-I have finally found someone to do therapeutic horse-riding with Henry. I know I should wait until we try it to write about it, but I am so excited! I spoke to this woman last night, and then Henry and I had the following exchange:

me: "Henry, do you know who I was just talking to? A woman who is going to teach you how to ride a horse! She said we can come to her farm on Wednesday."

Henry: "She is?" (Eyes wide. He starts kind of dancing excitedly and looking around.) "Daddy, where are you?" (Then he stops and turns back to me) "What is her name?"

me: "Pam. Miss Pam."

Henry again: "Daddy, where are you?" (Bill calls to him from downstairs, but then Henry turns to me again) "On which day? On June sixth?"

me: "yes, on Wednesday- June sixth."

Once he finally had all the pertinent details, Henry danced on downstairs to tell Daddy. Henry kept saying "I can't believe it!" And it took him awhile to fall asleep last night.

I hope the experience lives up to the excitement.

superdad

I mentioned previously, when Henry got his first real haircut, that Henry and Daddy have been doing more together.

Well, Daddy is quite in demand these days. In fact, we were joking this weekend that "daddy is the new mommy." (Not quite. I go upstairs to put away some laundry, and the next thing I know, the 2 little boys I left downstairs with daddy are now dancing around me, peppering me with requests. And daddy is flipping through the channels. Why does he get left alone so often??!!)

But anyway, back to my story. The boys have been really interested in superheroes lately. And daddy seems to have infinite knowledge of superheroes. They will sit at the dinner table and say "daddy, will you tell us about Batman?" And Bill begins (for the dozenth time), "Well, when Bruce Wayne was just a little boy, he was walking with his parents, and some bad guys attacked his parents..."

He tells them the origins of all the superheroes, and then the boys repeat the stories back to me: "Peter Parker went to a museum full of spiders! And one spider was craaawling up his arm... and it BIT him! Ahhhh!"

It's really sweet and cute. Henry will even venture outside to pursue daddy! In the picture above, I got both boys to eat dinner (pizza) outside while daddy read them books and told stories. It seems kind of primal- the elder males of the species passing down legendary hero stories to the next generation...

try try again

Melissa, you are not the first wise woman to suggest that I buy my son a Spiderman shirt. The first to suggest it was L, the woman who cares for him all day. I guess she was getting tired of seeing him in his pajamas all day and/or having to do the dirty work of MAKING him change out of them. One morning she said "Tommy, you'll have to ask your mom to get you some superhero t-shirts."

Could I be any more dense?

That very day I went out at lunchtime and bought a Spiderman shirt and a Batman shirt, and they have been added into the rotation. Today I actually bought him 2 more. The jammies he was wearing Sunday are somewhat new (used to be Henry's), and he "wanted to show them to Grandma and Grandpa." I tried to talk him out of it, and then said "I'm just going to let him wear them."

"Of course you are" was my husband's response. What do you think that means?!
_______

Due to a schedule conflict Monday evening, I took Henry along to Tommy's gymnastics class. Over a year ago I had enrolled both boys in gymnastics: Henry in a "special needs" class and Thomas in a 2 & 3 year old class. Henry hated it and stopped going. Thomas loved it and continued.

I called ahead to ask Tommy's teacher if it would be alright if Henry came along. After the preliminary "he's not signed up for the class so he can't legally use the equipment" spiel, she said that she would work with him as she had time and let him try some things out.

Henry said he just wanted to watch, but also seemed excited to be there. (I didn't carry him screaming and crying from the place before class even started, like I did last year, so we were off to a good start.) The kids start off running in place, then do some stretches, and then a warmup song. Henry took a spot next to his brother and started running (stiffly) in place, clutching his prints and his newest Disney magazine. He continued to do some of the stretches and not others, but all with an interested attitude.

Tommy liked showing him how it was done, and Henry willingly tried jumping into the foam pit, doing a forward roll, the balance beam, donkey kicks, crawling through a tunnel, hopping, and jumping on the trampoline. I was so, so pleased! At the end of the class, the teacher said "Henry, last year, when you were in my class, lots of times you said 'I can't do it.' Today, you know what I heard you saying? 'I did it!'"

So I am considering signing him up for the class again, although I think the appeal of Monday's class was that participation was OPTIONAL. If I am paying for the class, I am going to want him to participate more of the time.

After gymnastics, we went to Bob Evans' for dinner. Maybe I was trying to re-write history, because it's the same restaurant we went to after that ill-fated first gymnastics class last year. It was during the first (also ill-fated) attempt at potty-training Thomas, and I remember a stinky and messy incident with a pullup...

Anyway, as soon as our waitress came to the table, Henry announced "I want blueberry pancakes and lemonade please!" No time to look at the menu, he was hungry! So we ordered right away. Tommy started looking around and coloring the kids' menu. Henry immediately began asking "Are they making our food? Is it done yet? Is she bringing my pancakes? Is our food ready?" He would not be distracted, and asked nonstop about his food. It reached the point where Tommy got exasperated and said "No, Henry. Our food is not ready yet. It is not coming yet. We have to be patient." (I guess someone was listening to me.)

Henry ate every last bite of his meal, and most of his brother's. He had also visited my office that afternoon, and visited L's house when we picked up Tommy. It had been a very busy evening. He had a pretty rough day the next day at school- I wonder if he was over-tired.

So here's to waiting awhile and trying something again. Henry may not be an Olympic gymnast anytime soon, but now I at least feel like he has had a positive experience there, and the three of us had a pretty pleasant evening together. Kind of an extended Mother's Day.

Henry and I walked up to Starbucks Saturday afternoon. (This was before I had even seen the list of things he likes). It was a beautiful day and a walk with a favored destination is most of the time the only way to get him out of the house. He took along a couple "prints" from the computer, and talked about those for the first half a block, but then started looking around him and commenting on the beautiful day and beautiful trees. I am reminded that these prints are a transition item and can then be tucked into my purse or pocket. This works so well, and there's little need to force him to leave them at home. That causes anxiety, and makes him even less interested in transitioning.

I gave him $5 and had him order his own coffee cake. While he ate, he asked "where is Tommy?" He has been doing this lately- wondering where his brother is when he is not with us. It is encouraging to me- they are used to having one another around. I reminded him that Tommy was at home napping. Then I asked him "do you like having a little brother?" (Of course you know the answer I was hoping for.) "No" Henry replied casually.

My balloon deflated a little. But then I noticed him smiling a little sideways smirk. "Hey- are you messing with me?" I asked. "Yes." His little sense of humor is coming along nicely.

On the walk home we chatted with a couple neighbors and petted a dog. At school they call their field trips "community trips" and I guess that's what this was too- getting some experience being out in the community.

For Mother's Day we met Grandma & Grandpa at a dairy farm midway between our cities. The family that owns the farm has added attractions over the years- they make their own ice cream, have 2 restaurants, miniature golf, and animals you can feed. New this time was a sort-of train ride: individual cars strung together and pulled by a tractor. Grandpa asked Tommy if he wanted to ride. I gave Grandpa the camera, not realizing that they would be riding together- so I didn't get a picture. But they sat in the last car and it was a very bumpy ride around the farm!!

Henry loved the animals, of course. If I won the lottery I think I would buy a dairy farm for us (and hire some people to run it- my farm experience is a generation removed!)

Grandpa let Thomas choose his own ice cream cone- so of course the boy picked out a waffle cone dipped in chocolate and sprinkles, filled with chocolate ice cream. It was bigger than him!

And yes, he's wearing his pajamas.

On the drive to and from Young's Dairy, we listened to daddy's "junior" mix on the ipod. It features some Disney songs, Peter, Paul and Mary, marching band, Jack Johnson, and Ben Harper. The boys did not argue one bit and I loved to hear their little voices singing in harmony.

While we were gone, Bill cleaned up the house a bit and he cooked a yummy dinner on the grill. Then Kate put the boys to bed while we grownups took a walk.

Henry gave me a potted plant, some homemade chocolate covered pretzels, and a votive candle holder made of a baby food jar, blue tissue paper, and a ribbon.

Boy, it was hard to come back to work today after such a nice weekend!

mother's day 2007

I have a card and a present from Henry still to open today, but these two items were just sent home in his bookbag. I was so excited to find them. I think if you click on the picture you can see a larger version. They are both laminated, so there is a bit of a glare from the flash.

I think it goes without saying that I cried when I read this:

This means so much to me because these are all real things that we like to do together. I can imagine the teacher asking "what do you like to do with your mom?" and Henry replying "nothing" in his little singsong voice. (Not because it's true, but because, if you've read here before, that's how Henry responds to almost any request that is related to schoolwork!)

So they somehow elicited from him 10 real examples of things he likes about me. This is priceless! (You've probably heard about many of these activities before, except maybe the macaroni and cheese thing. I've kept my prowess at Kraft mac & cheese to myself until now.)

Reading to him in the morning and sitting on the patio are both things we do on school days if there is enough time. So that's what makes them special.
And I asked if the picture at the bottom was me- he said "no"- but I'm thinking it probably is. Bill thinks so too- he could tell by the lightning bolt hair.
It's been a draining week. We had Kate's birthday, teacher appreciation week (Henry baked brownies), mother's day (needed to buy cards and mail them on time), the trip to the zoo (I didn't go, and it was fine. Except for all the time I wasted agonizing about it), a special event at work on Friday...

I've been having a lot of what we call "internal dialogues"- where I think something to death until my head spins. Ironic thing to post about on Mother's Day, eh? How being a mother is making me insane! :-)
We have some fun planned for today- hope everyone else does too. Thanks for being such great moms and helping me be the best mom I can! XXOO

haircut, talents

Here's a photo of the haircut. I am liking it better, even though what I had imagined doing was much more drastic. I can't find a recent photo for a "before" comparison, but we cut off at least 4 inches, I'd say- my hair had been down to my shoulders.

I pay this woman a lot of money to cut my hair, so I figured if she wasn't sure about a Sienna Miller cut:

Then we'd try it her way first. We may still go shorter next time.

In my attempts to get a picture of my hair, I snapped this one, which I've added to my blog page. I like it for some reason. I think because it sort of sums up how I feel about this blog sometimes: like I'm trying to capture an image of my life, but I'm always in a hurry and trying to do too many things at once, so you just end up with an off-center snapshot of me and a kid- on our way somewhere together.

Thanks for everyone's concern about Henry (and me). He did have a fever Saturday, and a low-grade fever Sunday, but has been eating pretty well and had another great day at school yesterday. I continue the Claritin and hope for the best.

Last week Henry's school had a talent show. I guess 2 boys re-enacted a lightsaber fight scene from Star Wars. Henry loved it and has been talking about it a lot. I hope that someday he will participate in the talent show!

Last night Thomas had gymnastics, and they used the trampoline. Now, Tommy has been jumping on a trampoline at L's house since he was one year old. He's excellent at it. You may think I'm a bragging mom, but when it's his turn to jump, I swear that a hush falls over the class. And after he's done, applause erupts. I am not exaggerating.

I am ashamed, however, to admit how much I love that feeling- the feeling that my kid is great at something and it comes easily to him, (through no effort on my part.)

I feel that way about Henry too, at times. But his abilities are not usually presented to a group. Our society tends to more quickly recognize a kid with a physical ability or verbal ability, rather than a mental ability.

It makes me a little sad to realize that their lives may always be like this: Tommy getting attention from the adoring masses, with Henry plugging away unnoticed.

But you know what? Henry would hate to perform in front of a crowd, and would cover his ears to their applause. So it works out fine. (But I still hold out hope for the talent show...)

not again

I really keep hoping to post a coherent, positive blog entry.

Unfortunately, today is not the day.

Henry woke up feeling sick today. Runny nose, red eyes, but no fever. I gave him some allergy medicine. But he started acting sicker and sicker. We ran some errands (which included renting 2 movies of his choice because he had such a super week at school) and when we got home he voluntarily went upstairs and climbed in bed. Now I think he has a fever but I haven't taken his temperature because he is asleep- that sickly kind of sleep where your eyes aren't quite closed all the way.

The thing is, it was exactly- I mean exactly- one year ago that he came down with whatever it was that eventually landed us in the emergency room with pneumonia. You might remember the worst day of my life.

I know lots of people have been through much worse, and I know that even if it were to happen again I would know more this time, and I know that nothing is to guarantee the same thing is going to happen again.

But the combination of PMS and full-caffeine latte for breakfast have created an emotional cocktail of panic attack proportions. I am freaking out.

On another topic, the hair is ok. Not as short as I was planning... I actually attempted (looking like an idiot) to take a bunch of pictures of myself in the van on the way to work yesterday! Then I somehow deleted them while downloading... Maybe it's a full moon this week.

spring fever?

I have started about 4 different posts in the past week. I need to set aside daily blogging time so I can complete a thought! Some things I have been wanting/meaning to write about are:

- How much it stinks to make a public pronouncement of forgiveness and then want to take it back!

- How disappointed Henry was when we undertook a very ill-planned trip to the college football team's spring scrimmage game. I totally under-estimated how many people would attend, and we wandered around inside the stadium, unable to find a seat!

- How fun it was to take my sons to a movie (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). I spent some time that weekend remembering Henry's first movie in a theater. It was Finding Nemo, at the $1 theater, summer or fall of 2003 (Henry was 4).

I remember that we went to the zoo that morning, and then the movie, just the 2 of us. We were still working on potty training. I struggled to get him to use the public restroom before the movie, and at some point during the movie, (he was sitting on my lap) Henry had an accident. But I was so thrilled to be sitting through this entire movie- Henry laughing at the right moments and getting excited at the right moments, that we both just sat there with wet pants, watching. Is that weird?

I remember wanting to cry (ok, maybe actually crying a little) when Beyond the Sea came on over the credits. I was so happy that we had shared this regular experience- mom and kid, watching a Disney movie in the theater. No meltdowns, no loud perseverating, just some urine-soaked pants. A small price to pay.

- Because Henry is transported to school and I work full time, I don't make enough opportunities to visit the school and meet the teachers. This week his school is having a book fair, so the boys and I ran up there Tuesday evening. Of course the librarians know Henry, because he visits them twice a week. They both made a point of saying hello to him, and Henry told me their names. As we were paying for our books, one of them asked Henry "is this your brother?" Henry didn't look up and waited just long enough to reply that I was thinking he didn't hear, or wasn't going to answer. Finally he didn't look up, but answered "this is Tommy."

At one point Henry said "some first graders are here."

"Some of the kids from your first grade class?" I asked. "Yes."

"Do you want to say hi to them?" "No."

I wasn't surprised that he didn't want to talk to the kids, but I was glad that he noticed them and volunteered some information to me.

- Sometimes when I lie in bed with Thomas at night, listening to him talk, I really wish he would shut up and go to sleep. But then I think about how lucky he is that he can express himself with words, and I can't bring myself to tell him to be quiet. And then he sleepily says "mommy, I love you super duper super duper super duper super duper super duper super duper super duper much." And I know that I am the luckiest mom in the world!

I am feeling antsy lately- emotionally and mentally itchy- like something's not right or something needs to change. Maybe this is what they call spring fever? I have a haircut appointment today and am planning to have it chopped off. We'll see if that scratches the itch...

happy with the world I have, thanks.

I generally avoid political discussions- especially the politics of autism. And I'm a little late to the game with this one- Kristina, for one, discussed it here, and Mamaroo, for another, here. But in case anyone else hasn't seen this video yet, I thought I would throw it out there. I'm not savvy enough to actually post the movie on this site, but you can click here to get to it. It's created by/for Autism Speaks.

A link was forwarded to me by my mom. She received it from one of her friends. And I felt like I should register my feelings about it.

I love the images used and the way autistic children are shown to be the beautiful people they truly are. We see laughter and affection and joy. I would like more of the general public to see pictures like these when they are exposed to autism.

The images are interspersed with statements- some of which I think all of us would agree with- to answer the question in the song's title: What Kind of World do You Want?

-"A world in which a mom can hear her autistic child say I love you." (This one made me smile and think of one friend in particular. Go Oliver!)

-"A world that doesn't judge an individual with autism."

I take issue, however, with a couple of the phrases, which seem to directly contradict the happy families seen in the video, as well as the statements above:

-"A world where no family has to live with autism"

-"Autism Speaks wants a world where autism is a word in the history books"

This point has been made more eloquently by many others before me, but if we wish autism away, aren't we wishing our kids away? The same gorgeous faces that are featured in this little video? How can we want the world to "not judge an individual with autism", but at the same time wish it would go away?

I find myself thinking "yes, I wish Henry didn't argue so much and I wish he would be more willing to try new things and I wish he could be more comfortable with his emotions."

But I also wish Thomas wouldn't have such anxiety over which superhero outfit he is going to wear, and wish he would stop jumping off the couch, and I wish he wouldn't cry about having to wear shorts in the wintertime.

Take away the difficult aspects of a kid's personality and what are you left with? It's not reality.

And I hate to think what an autistic individual would think, upon reading "I want a world where no family has to live with autism."

It's easy for me to say, speaking for myself only, because Henry is "mildly" affected by autism. He doesn't injure himself and he is able to speak to me, although it is far from easy and has been a long road. My comfort level with autism has grown over the years, and Henry's abilities have grown as well.

I guess I'll end up being wishy-washy and saying I can agree with bits of what Kristina and Mamaroo each said. I would love to take away Henry's anxiety, and be more confident that he'll be able to keep himself safe. But I have no interest in changing who he is. He waves his hands and kicks his legs to express his excitement. He hums and smiles to himself and repeats favorite lines from movies (tonight I was the object of "you little fool.") Those are all traits of autism, and they are traits of Henry. It's a package deal.

I wish that autism organizations would spend more energy/resources promoting research into assisting people with autism (focusing on the first two goals- the ones I agreed with), and less energy/resources worrying about ridding the world of autism. It may just be quibbling over semantics, but during Autism Awareness Month, when the aim is to educate the general public about autism, the words we use are vitally important.

Just another mom's 2 cents.

Easter and a reward

Easter was not conducive to picture-taking this year. It was cold and windy and even snowy.

Still, we forged ahead and attended the city parks & recreation department's annual Easter egg hunt.

These kind of events always amuse me because they make me realize how bizarre some of our holiday traditions really are. "Here kids- when we say 'go', run out there with all the other children and try to grab as much candy off the ground as you can. Then you can eat it. Right- just eat the candy off the ground."

My kids did ok, but some children were crying! Either because of the cold, or because they were scared of the crowd, or they were just plain confused!

The whole thing was over within 10 minutes. The boys had grabbed 2 pieces of candy each, but some of the organizers were walking around with baskets of candy, dumping handfuls into the pitiful, non-competitive children's baskets, so they still scored plenty of sweets.

Saturday afternoon we colored eggs. For years, it seems, I have purchased eggs and dye, only to be disappointed when no one wanted to color eggs. But this year I was pleasantly surprised. Kate, Thomas, Bill and I all did some coloring. Henry still didn't want to actually participate, but he danced around the table and kept announcing "we are coloring Easter eggs!" We actually went back to the store for another dozen eggs.

Sunday we went to church and had another candy egg hunt in the house. Sunday night Bill and I stayed up until 11 (very late for me!) watching the past 2 episodes of Lost that we had recorded. All in all, a very nice family weekend.

_______

Henry woke up yesterday morning saying that he wanted to get the movie Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows. I think it must be previewed on one of his other movies, because he's not otherwise a bionicle fan (whatever the hell a bionicle is?)

He really wouldn't let go of the subject, so I tried to think fast and told him that, when he got 10 stars on the chore chart, he could get the movie. The "chores" are things like feed the turtles, put away your clothes, do homework, so he could conceivably earn the movie by the end of the week. I could really be in trouble if he started wanting a $20 reward once a week!

Fortunately for me, I guess, but unfortunately for him, Henry's stubborn resistance to any and all requests is making this a tough goal to reach.Yesterday he helped throw a pile of dirty laundry down the chute. After I asked him about 10 times. And that was the only star he earned yesterday. He read his homework book, but refused to do the accompanying worksheet.

I heard him and Bill arguing about the homework while I was giving Thomas his bath. I headed downstairs just in time to hear Henry snarl "you little fool." !!!!!! Directed at his father!!!

Of course this is a script from one of his movies, but how funny! I mean, funny but inappropriate to call one's father a fool...

So I'm not sure how well this reward system is going to work. It seems to make Henry extra anxious- he worries about earning a star or not earning a star. He woke up this morning talking about Bionicle and about his homework. (The homework isn't due until Friday, so we still have time to do it.)

I think that homework is stressful enough for him without adding the "you'll get a star" incentive. I thought it might motivate him, but instead I fear it makes him think "I don't want to do this homework but now if I don't I won't get a star and I won't get a movie and I really want that movie but I really don't want to do my homework" etc....

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I should modify the reward- we could just rent the movie or borrow it from the library. Then if he does start earning a reward every week I won't go bankrupt.

One other interesting thing about the "chore chart": we had filled all but one of the columns with jobs. Henry was very troubled by the last, blank, space. He kept asking me to please fill in the last job. I found it intriguing that he wanted all the spaces to be filled. I guess he just wants to know what he's up against. I couldn't think of a good one, so I finally just wrote in the catch-all "help mom and dad". Too late I realized that I should have written "eat vegetables"! Maybe next week.

Here's hoping I can stay up to watch Lost tonight. I've been doomed ever since they moved it to 10 pm.

so NOT cool

Pop Quiz:

Say you're a 7-year-old child, autistic or not, and your class is taking a field trip to the local ice cream shop. What might you REASONABLY expect to enjoy at the end of said visit?

a.) Nothing but the pleasure of looking at all the ice cream
b.) A scoop of luscious strawberry ice cream
c.) The lunch your mom packed for you, which contains no ice cream
d.) The perseveration upon the idea of ice cream consuming your entire mind for the rest of the day

Unfortunately for the first graders at Henry's school, the answers for them are A, C, and D.

Ugh! Whose brilliant idea was this?

(As soon as Bill got home and Kate filled him in on what had happened, he took Henry up to the same shop for that strawberry ice cream.)