This wasn't a catastrophe. It would probably not merit a mention if you asked either of my sons to summarize their day today. But it's an example of the additional dilemmas autism brings to the life of our family- the things I worry about as a mother.
A friend's son had a baseball game tonight at the fields near our office. I picked up both boys from L's house, drove through Burger King (Fantastic Four toys in their happy meals) and met my friend at the game. Tommy and Henry sat on the bleachers and I distributed the food. Henry ate about half his french fries and then asked for Tommy's. Tommy was not eating any of his food, but when I asked if he wanted to share his fries with his brother, he shook his head "no".
I told Henry that he should finish his own fries, eat some of his chicken nuggets, and then we'd see if Tommy had any fries left that he wanted to share. "No! I want to eat HIS fries!" Henry started trying to push Tommy and reach for his food.
I moved Henry to the bleacher below me (hoping out of sight, out of mind) and tried to keep watching the game. Henry continued to argue about wanting more fries, and Tommy kept insisting that he didn't want to give any up. I threatened Henry that he would lose computer privileges if he kept acting this way, and he SCREAMED. Right when my friend's son (R) was starting to pitch. R walked his first batter. I'm sure that Henry's screaming didn't have much, if anything, to do with it, but nevertheless I felt very uncomfortable.
I told Tommy "I'm going to give Henry your fries (Tommy still wasn't eating anything) and we'll stop on the way home and get you some more. Maybe we can even get some ice cream on the way home too..." I was losing all my marbles. This is not the mom I want to be.
I want to tell my kid something (you can't have your brother's french fries) and stick with it. I want to be consistent. I don't want to punish the neurotypical kid for being normal and reward the autistic kid for behaving inappropriately. I don't want to do that, but then I do. Because I want to watch 1/2 an hour of a 9-year-old kid's baseball game. Why is that such an impossible dream?
As it was, Henry ate all the second helping of french fries, none of his chicken nuggets, and said he was ready to go home. So we left.
I did get to see R get up to bat and pitch an inning, so I didn't mind leaving. But this was a disappointing reminder that we have not come so far after all. We are not quite like the rest of the families.
Tonight I told Henry I wanted to talk about what had happened. I told him that it's not ok to eat his brother's food- they each have their own food and Tommy should not have to give his up. I also told him that it's not ok to scream and yell like that when he doesn't get his way. I pointed out that it might bother the kids who are trying to play baseball. Henry started crying, and said "I don't like baseball." He kept repeating it over and over.
So I tried to teach a little lesson and all I succeeded in doing was turning it around in his mind so that now Henry doesn't like baseball.
I made sure to thank Thomas more than once for giving up his french fries. I told him it was a very nice and very grownup thing to do. He was kind of like "whatever, mommy". But I worry that this will become his destiny- he'll always have to make sacrifices to make his brother happy, and will come to resent it.
I'm not sure what I can do except keep being honest with both of them. And maybe buy a larger size fry next time.
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14 comments:
I understand this dilemma completely and it is something I too worry about with my boys. I guess we can just keep trying to do our best. I hate when I feel like a failure because I don't stand strong. Like tonight when Roo kept asking for another "pop" while we sat to watch Brother-roo's show. I knew he shouldn't have anymore. I tried to say no, but I wanted to finish watching the show. So, I kept giving in and he had way too much sugar. Now we are both paying for it as he woke up VERY early this morning and he will probably be in a horrible mood for his own school show today. Oh well, we do our best, right?
Wow. I totally feel you on this one. I'm always so disappointed in how quick I am to discipline Isaac but when it comes to India I cross my fingers and hope for the best knowing that anything I do to redirect innapropriate behavior will only cause a major public scene. Just yesterday we were on the train with both kids and she was talking back and being nasty and I bit my tongue because I couldn't deal with the thought of the hairy fit that she'd surely have right in rush hour subway traffic if I'd told her not to talk back. It's not something I'm proud of.
She was so cranky yesterday and I feel so totally powerless when she gets like this. We took her to a speech eval for a really selective (and free!) program that she's in the running for and she produced NO language for the evaluator at all. ZILCH. ZIP. NADA. I did my best not to bust out crying in the middle of it.
(Saved it for the car afterwards)
Sal.
Hmm. Okay. I have absolutely no authority to speak on the topic of having more than one child and the different disciplining methods between the two. But, I can share what we do with Conor in those types of situations (and, by the way, these don't always work either!)
We use numbers for everything because Conor relates to the finality and concreteness of numbers. I would probably have begged Tommy to "share" and promised a reward for sharing. Then, I would tell Conor that he could have FIVE fries. But, then I would follow it up with a "First, then". "First you eat one chicken nugget, and then can have five fries." Sometimes it works, sometimes we get the screams like you got.
As for not being consistent? I completely understand and battle the same inner demons, but we need to give ourselves a break. Our kids will not be marred for life because we didn't handle something perfectly. We do the best we can.
Oh, and by the way? I see the same behavior in my friends' NT kids -- wanting the other's fries and throwing a fit about it, the other child not wanting to share. We don't have the market cornered on this one. :-)
I wouldn't be so quick to assume that this means you "haven't come so far after all." Because this moment was only a speed bump. You have come a long way - all of you.
And, for the record, I don't have two kids to manage and I still wouldn't have had the courage to attempt a baseball game. That you stayed for a full inning seems like a victory to me.
Yeah, I'm with Mom-NOS. This is just one little moment in the scheme of things. Although I know that the public screaming probably made it seem pretty big at the time. But don't judge your parenting by this! It is equally important to know how to pick your battles and to know when our kids are most receptive to learning.
A baseball game! With two children! Where one is autistic! Public, outside, sitting, people, noise, close proximity, 30 whole minutes the goal! If you THOUGHT that there was a possibility that this would work, then you are way ahead of the hunt lady. [all of you are]
Well done and best wishes
Also the dirt and dust flying around..... Charlie had and still has a similar thing/compulsion about fries. About 2 years ago, if someone else had fries and he had his fries, he insisting on eating the other person's fries and then his---and as said other person was often my mom or some friend who said "oh, I don't mind," Charlie took in quite a few fries. I had to tell my mom and the friends, don't give him any! and that bothered them because Charlie kept asking and.....ah, the mad cycle.
Upshot is, do what you have to do to make the activity you're at manageable, don't worry about other impressions from others, and leave fast and glad you made it!
I don't have two, but have been in similar situations with one. And I agree with those who say these moments are simply speed bumps, not total detours.
We do have to pick our battles, but I'd be willing to bet that moms across the board can identify with this dilemna. I can't even count the amount of times one of us kids missed out on an activity or had to share something we didn't want to share because a sibling was acting out.
I know it might not help you feel better now, but the fact that you have an awareness of how Tommy might have to "give up" some things, means you're going to protect him from it as often as you can.
OH, I go thru this daily. DAILY. My daughter is 11 and for the most part, she understands, but it still makes me feel bad.
I would like to join the chorus that is in awe of the attendance of an entire inning of baseball. My guy goes into sensory overload. Among all the obvious things I think the thing that gets him the most agitated is the crowd yelling out encouragement to the players. JP just does not get this. And lord help us if the crowd get's excited.
Last summer my nephew hit a homerun and my sister completely went beserk. JP wouldn't go near her for the rest of the summer.
So I guess what I am trying to share is that you are making progress and you have come a long way! Roo might have just been struggling to control anything (even silly fries) just so that he could deal with all the other things he couldn't control in that environment.
I can't believe how long you lasted at the game. Sweet Boy can't even tolerate half that amount of time ... we tried again recently.
I can understand how you felt ... I'm constanty questioning myself and whether I'm being consistent. And yet sometimes just making it through the day with one less meltdown seems like progress.
Despite my fervent hope for another child, I worry about these kinds of dynamics and whether a neurotypical kid (if I was even fortunate enough to have one) would grow up resenting Sweet Boy.
I totally relate to this post, totally. We go through this daily, Big Brother is always giving up something to make K.C. happy. I do the exact same thing as you do, I always get him a little something extra for being such a sharing brother. It is so hard to keep some kind of balance. We try our very best and I have tried to explain to Big Brother that we aren't the typical everyday family because we have K.C. and he has Autism. Sometimes he's very understanding but sometimes he gets ticked off. You are doing an awesome job with your boys :) You are such a good Mommy:)
I guess I am looking at it from a different perspective. I don't see it as an autism thing. I see it as a "mom trying to get through a challenging situation and do something for herself for once" thing.
Why do I see it that way? Because I could have written this post with the kids switched. My NT 3 year old is the one who often ends up with the french fries because he is the one who is screaming bloody murder and we just want to get through whatever it is we are doing.
So don't beat yourself up for this. You did what any mom would do in that situation, autistic child or not. And ditto on what everyone else says about Henry being at the game. That is so awesome!
I know neurotypicals do this all the time. My older 2 are always saying the 3 year old gets her way (and much of the time she does). I think what is hard for you is that Tommy is younger and he is having to be the understanding one. You cannot use the convenient line of "But Henry is the baby..."
Still a half hour at a baseball game is awesome!m
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