confession

I got impatient with Henry yesterday. I don't mean to announce that as if it's the first time that's ever happened (or the last), but I do feel sad about it.

Yesterday we had perfect weather. Blue sky, cool in the morning but warming up to 80 by the afternoon. Thomas, Bill and I were in and out of the house all day.

Henry doesn't like to do anything outside. When he was 2-3 he would want to walk around the neighborhood and look at cars and have the same standard conversation about certain houses and landmarks. He also used to like to sidewalk chalk, although it would just be him dictating to me what he wanted me to draw. But now he just likes to stay inside. He will play on the playground when we visit one, but just playing outside in the yard holds zero interest for him.

Yesterday I suggested a trip to the library and then the grocery store, as a way to get him out of the house. Those both went well. But once we got home he just wanted to watch a DVD or lay all his crumpled and well-loved "Disney papers" all over the floor. Chicken Little seems to have replaced Lady and the Tramp as his current favorite subject, and he carries around two Chicken Little sticker books, a Disney Magazine with Chicken Little on the cover, the Chicken Little book on CD book and some printouts from the Disney website.

Anyway, last night Bill was cooking out, and I wanted to sit outside with him. Tommy was coming in and out of the house, and Henry was in the house. Henry kept asking me to find one more of his papers, and then a particular Star Wars book that was my brother's, (from back when Star Wars, Episode IV was the FIRST Star Wars.) I couldn't find the book anywhere and he kept perseverating on it. I finally just told him (in a not very nice way) "Henry, it's nice outside and I want to go outside- why do you have to stay in here with all these movies and papers spread all over the floor?!" He just looked at me and said "NO!"

When I think about it rationally, he is probably feeling extra dysregulated. The end of the school year is coming, and he knows that he'll be going to a different school next year. Also, his nose was running all day long yesterday, and the Claritin I gave him didn't seem to help.

It's just hard, as he gets older and more communicative. Sometimes I feel like I should be able to have a "rational" conversation with him in which I say "hey, it's nice outside. Let's turn off the movie and go outside." And he says "ok mommy."

(But lots of times I wish I could have a rational conversation like that with my teenager also, and it's not so easy.)

It's not all about autism. It's just about being a mommy. I was frustrated with Tommy yesterday too, because he wouldn't stop climbing on me and wanting juice, but NO not THAT juice, a different juice. Etc. etc.

Bill gave them a bath and I tried to put them to bed early. We read a book together in Henry's bed. But both boys kept whining that they wanted a different book or that "Bubba push me." Bill could hear us on the monitor and he said it didn't sound like me when I said "both of you need to be quiet or we're not reading any book."

I don't want to be that mom- the one who's pissed off and short with her kids all the time.

So that's why I'm going to take a walk this morning- some time for just me. Maybe today will be better.