ironic

I have gotten together a few times this year with a group of moms. Some of them have children in Tommy's class. (They have seen Henry at the kids' soccer games, they know about him. But they don't know him.) Of course we spend a lot of time talking about our children.*

A couple of these women have "challenging" sons. I haven't seen the boys long enough/in enough situations to gauge what that means- they are always sweet when I see them, you know. But they are kids that are "a handful" for their parents and teachers.

So at some point in the conversation a finger usually gets pointed at me and someone says "her son is perfect."

It's said in that way that women have... "well you don't need to diet" or "you have the perfect husband." Statements that try to disguise themselves as compliments but are really sharp little darts of jealousy.

They are the kind of statements that one can't respond to. You can't just agree "I really don't need to diet, you're right. I'm just the right size." But you can't try to argue the point either "are you kidding? Do you know how much I weigh?" Because that just prolongs the awkward conversation.

So I just smile kind of sheepishly and shrug my shoulders, maybe nod and say "he is a good boy."

But you know what I want to say, don't you? There are many things.

Tommy is a good boy. My other son Henry is a good boy too. But there were many teachers who didn't think so. Many strangers on the street, in the store, and at sporting events who didn't think so.

I would imagine that parents of other kids in Henry's classes didn't think he was "perfect"- if they even knew who he was.

Not that I would ever know what they thought, because I never really interacted with my children's peers' parents until now.

Tommy is a good boy. I wonder if his behavior is due in any part to the fact that his parents have learned a lot of things the hard way? Maybe Henry and his sister before him have cleared that path. Maybe we have learned to praise more and criticize less? I hope so. Maybe we have finally learned to abandon expectations and just welcome whatever this child brings to us.

Tommy is a good boy. Maybe he was just born that way. With an easy and kind attitude, a quick intellect, and a handsome face. Maybe it's just the luck of the damn draw whether you get a "challenging" kid or a "perfect" one. He could have been raised by bears in a cave and still been "perfect".

Perhaps our society is user-friendly to only the most narrowly-defined typical human specimens. And lucky for Thomas he so far seems to fit those parameters.

And then there's the most childish potential response of all: Yes, my son is perfect. Don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve to have an easy child? I don't love him any more or any less than you love your "ornery/difficult/challenging" children.

But that last one is pure blasphemy. I would never say that.

(*A topic worthy of a separate post is how easy it all-of-a-sudden is to be a halfway social person- now that I'm not the too-young-stepmom-with-an-inferiority-complex or the mom-of-a-kid-with-a-disability-with-a-chip-on-her-shoulder.)