Note to self: do something differently next year

Last Wednesday I started writing a sappy post about all the things I'm thankful for. Thought I would finish it over the weekend. Well, unfortunately for anyone reading, my weekend was kind of crappy. So instead of the lovey, mushy post, you get to hear me whine. Maybe I'll finish the thankful post another day.

So Henry went home with my parents last Saturday (the 19th) and stayed with them until we arrived on Thanksgiving Day. Then we all stayed there for a couple more nights and came home on Saturday.

Henry is always "bad" after spending time with my parents. I know this. Why am I surprised every time? (I know "bad" is not a proper word to use, but it's sort of shorthand for "more autistic".) The same thing happened last year, that's what kills me, and I must have blocked it out of my memory until it was too late.

It's not my parents' fault- they do what all grandparents do, they dote on their grandson. He gets to stay at their house for a few days without his little brother bugging him, and watch movies and do puzzles and go shopping for Power Ranger stuff. The problem is that this indulgence kind of puts him into a ZONE where HE ONLY WANTS TO DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO RIGHT NOW. No matter what you suggest, he'll say he doesn't want to do it. But he won't just say he doesn't want to do it, he'll scream. If you're lucky he'll use words, but more often it's just a scream.

He just really regressed from what I had been seeing in the past few weeks- using words, being nice to his brother, adapting to change. So while we're visiting with family for Thanksgiving Bill and I also have to be in crisis mode- taking turns trying to calm Henry down.

He screamed every time Tommy came near him, and here's a typical exchange:
I said it was time to eat the Thanksgiving feast.
He says (screams really) "you don't want to eat the Thanksgiving feast!" "The Thanksgiving feast is NOT ready!" "Everyone is NOT going to eat!" etc. etc.
I said, OK, he doesn't have to eat, but that's where we'll all be. So he follows me out, sits at the table, and then. . . he's sweet as could be. He keeps putting his head on my shoulder, saying "you missed me", "you like this thanksgiving feast", "it's fun to all be together for the thanksgiving feast", etc. etc.

The same thing happened with decorating mom's tree. I asked if he wanted to help. "You do NOT want to decorate the tree!" "You are too young to decorate the tree!" (Not sure where he learned that one.) Then he comes downstairs and dances around the tree while mom decorates it, sits on his uncle's lap by the fire and gushes about the tree.

I know a parent is supposed to stay one step ahead of one's kid. I feel like I am reasonably intelligent and can manage that with my other children. But I sometimes feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with trying to figure Henry out. What is the answer? Don't ever let him stay with my parents? That seems obvious, but I guess I want to keep trying and hope that he will learn to roll with changes a little bit better. I feel like they can all benefit from spending time together without Bill and I hovering around.

By Friday evening I wanted to get him out of the house and get his body moving a little. So I found out when mom's rec center had open swim and told him we would go swimming. That made him go berserk. I got frustrated and disappointed and told him "Henry, I thought you would like that and it would be fun. But if you don't want to go then we won't." He kind of looked at me like "why the hell would it be fun to go to a strange pool with you?"

Henry, I feel like I understand you so well, yet other times I totally miss the boat. I'll just keep trying.

Maybe I subconsciously knew this would be a stressful weekend and that's why I was feeling a little melancholy on Wednesday.

So next year, when I propose sending Henry there for the week before Thanksgiving, just do me a favor and remind me what will happen.