first day of preschool and I'm not gonna cry

Once the kids she cares for are 3, if their parents are interested, Thomas' sitter takes them to the neighborhood preschool. So the younger kids are used to riding along to drop off/pick up the older kids, and are really psyched for preschool by the time they are old enough to go. 3-year-olds go for 2 hours in the morning, 3 days a week. When you're 4 you go 4 days a week.

I didn't figure this would be a huge transition for any of us, considering that Tommy is familiar with the place, he is already used to being away from his parents during the day, and I wouldn't have to be dropping him off and be tortured if he happened to cry. But I do feel a bit strange to be missing out on this- like I'm missing his first smile, first steps, or first black eye (oh wait, I did miss that.)

We attended an "orientation" earlier this week- basically a way for the kids to get familiar with their classroom and for parents to ask a bunch of dumb questions that had already been answered in the letters the school has sent home. (Aren't I such a snob? And I wonder why I don't have more friends.) Tommy worried about what kind of toys they would have in his classroom, and my grasping-at-straws response of "blocks" did not put his mind at ease. (I was informed that "blocks are not toys.")

So I breathed a sigh of relief when he discovered a Batmobile in one of the toy bins! School would be ok after all.

That day I brought my camera, but the batteries were dead. (Why does that always happen?!) So this morning we stopped to snap a couple pictures before I dropped him off at L's house. Tommy does not seem to be worried about school, except to say that "I might be shy." I have tried to reassure him that it's perfectly fine to be shy in a new situation. And when you select as stylish an outfit as my boy did for the first day, you won't be lonely for long!

This morning I had to fill out this long questionnaire, answering questions about my child's fears, likes, dislikes, allergies, and other noteworthy info about his quirks. It took me no time at all. Most moms probably feel this way with their second child, but especially because of all his older brother's special needs, transitions like this with Tommy seem to be so much more manageable and less emotional.

And yes, we do own a hairbrush. Just didn't use it today. If I know L, she got him cleaned up before school. It takes a village, as they say...

the weekend of (mostly) thwarted expectations

The weekend started off well. Thomas mixed up a healthy batch of "dirt soup" Friday night.

Kate was in for the evening, due to an infraction the previous weekend, and we had a pretty good chat. This semester she is helping in a first-grade class every afternoon, and Friday night she told me all about the kids and the things she's been doing with them and how some of them like to hug her and hang on her... I guess there is a boy in the class who is tube-fed and wears a backpack that carries his bag of food (Kate couldn't remember what the name of his condition is), and another boy with Tourrettes. This is the same teacher that Henry was mainstreamed with last year, so I asked if Mrs. C gets all the special needs kids. But Kate said no-there are some in other classes. I get so caught up in my own little "special needs" world that I am surprised to hear there are so many others in the same school district!

Saturday was the big day for Henry and Daddy. You might remember that back in the spring we tried to go to our college football team's open scrimmage... and it was a disaster. Every other idiot (ooops, I mean fan) in town was trying to take their kids to the stadium for $5, and we couldn't find a seat. That day we decided to get tickets to a game this fall so that Henry could go and have a better experience.

Once you understand what happened in the spring, you'll see why Saturday went the way it did: kickoff was at noon. Bill and Henry got there around 11, allowing enough time to walk around and check out the crowd. But Henry was single-minded. He had a ticket this time and he had a seat, and by God he was going to sit in that seat and not move from it:

Here he is talking to me on the phone, sitting in the stadium an hour before kickoff.

I think all the pre-game stuff went ok, and the pre-game band show was the main thing Henry wanted to see anyway. Then it started to rain. And wet clothes are a sensation that Henry is very adverse to. So once they got rained on and he wanted to take off his clothes, it was time to call it a day. Our team hadn't even scored yet (they went on to win, 20-2.)

Bill knew, going to this experiment, that it might not last long. And he has learned from years of experience with Henry how to handle occasions like this. So although he was disappointed to leave without Henry experiencing a touchdown, he wisely just went with the tide. Henry will remember it as a really special and exciting experience, and Bill was able to finish watching the game at a bar down the street, so all's well that ends well.

Tommy had been asking to go to the zoo, and I was looking forward to going on Saturday, just me and him- something special while daddy and Henry were doing something special. Thomas wanted to sleep a little extra Saturday (clue #1), then when he got up, he said "I have a yucky cough like M------". A boy at L's house had developed a barking cough last week, and Tommy had indeed caught it from him.

He still wanted to go to the zoo, so we did. Now usually Henry is our tour guide and drill sergeant: dictating which animals we will see, and how long we will look at them. Either because he was sick, or because he is used to his big brother being the boss, Tommy had no real direction to offer at the zoo. He didn't seem to care what we looked at. He did get to sit on all the photo-op animal statues that we usually blow past, and walk on a lot of low walls. But the reptiles and the coral reef were the only sights that he really requested.

When we returned home from the zoo and gathered on the couch to catch up with Kate and Henry, Thomas rolled his face over between 2 cushions and vomited. His fever went up to 102+ and his cough and sore throat worsened.

So the rest of the weekend was spent worrying and comforting and taking his temperature and trying different medications. We're seeing the doctor this afternoon, but of course his fever seems to be gone today. His voice, though, is totally shot! He can only whisper. It's very odd to have my usual chatterbox be so silent.

His first day of preschool is Friday, so hopefully he'll be back to normal by then. Tune in next weekend for a full report.

Henry at 8 years

This picture is very Henry. He is smirking, kicking his legs, and turning his head side to side, thinking of something funny.

This year his birthday fell on the same day as the football team's season opener. The game was not televised, except on a special network, so Bill and Kate went to watch it at a sports bar and the boys and I went to lunch at McDonalds. (They are wearing their new football jerseys.)

Henry's lovely bus driver gave him a gift card to Blockbuster, which just shows how well she knows Henry, because it was a perfect gift for him! So our fun day started with a Crumbleberry Coffee Cake from Starbucks and included a stop at Blockbuster. Later that evening we went to see Ratatoille.

I thought the movie was cute, if an odd premise for a children's movie. But Henry seemed to love it! He laughed and squealed and kicked his legs non-stop. Bill and I had to take turns putting him on our laps and turning him sideways, so he wouldn't kick the seat in front of him.

On Sunday Grandma and Grandpa came to visit (my mom's birthday was Monday). We spent a bit of the afternoon watching Tommy play outside, while Bill cooked on the grill. When I went in to check on Henry (because of course he had no interest in playing outside), here is what I found:

I asked him what this teetering tower of papers was, and he replied proudly "I matched all the prints with the movies".

These are computer printouts of movie webpages, matched with the corresponding DVD. Bill and I think he may have a career as a librarian, except that he will never want anyone to remove anything from his library!

Yesterday the birthday fun continued. Henry had his annual checkup with the pediatrician, as well as his annual checkup with the eye doctor. But in between, we stopped at the bookstore and Target, and spent some birthday money. You can guess what he chose: more books, DVDs and audio books.

That reminds me of something new Henry is doing: he has learned how to turn the captions on when he watches a DVD. I think this is a brilliant way to further develop his reading skills. It also makes watching a movie feel a little more active- he's working his brain a bit.

The doctors appointments, along with the beginning of the school year, have made me take stock in how far Henry has come. I used to dread visits to the pediatrician. My friend Eileen has just described this much better than I can- the feeling that you are betraying your child by holding him down for the doctor's examination. (I'm not linking to her blog because it is open to invited readers only.)

This time, on the way to the doctor's office, we talked about what the doctor would do. I told Henry that Dr. T might ask him about what he is learning in school, and what other things he has been doing. So, when Dr. T came in and greeted Henry, Henry pointed at me and said "she wants to tell you what I have been doing in school." We both laughed at that- either my message had been misunderstood, or Henry just didn't feel up to the challenge.

Henry cringed when the doctor looked in his ears, but I didn't need to get out of my seat to hold on to him as in the past. Henry is in the 15th percentile, and the doctor and I laughed about that too- Henry has never moved past the 15th percentile.

Henry and I told him about school, gymnastics, horseback riding, and swimming. I explained how Henry couldn't tolerate gymnastics a year earlier, but now responded so well to it.

"Well, he's doing great" summarized Dr. T. I paused and then asked "you mean physically?" "Just in every way" he said. "This visit has gone a lot differently than they used to go, and it sounds like you've got him plugged in to some good programs."

Yeah. Maybe that's why I haven't had as much to write about lately: it's not that Henry isn't autistic anymore, it's just that we are all on a comfortable path now, and (mostly) moving forward. He might not be growing up like a typical 8-year-old, but he is growing up.

8 years ago

This photo is for Xia. Getting ready for Henry's birthday and reading Xia's blog got me thinking about the summer I was pregnant with my first son.

Please note my belly button. I mean, how can you miss it? I actually put a band-aid over it to try to disguise it, but I think that made it more prominent than ever.

I remember being so hot that day! This was actually the second family wedding we attended in August 1999. I was in the other one. It was hot that day too.

Also, before anyone comments on the scrapbook, a disclaimer: I do not scrapbook. My mother does. She made little ones like this for both boys, and all I had to do was slap the photos in. I don't think Tommy's are actually GLUED in yet- just inserted into the correct pages. Maybe by the time he's 8...

This morning Henry woke up at 4:45!! He was so excited to look at the Star Wars books he borrowed from the library. He just got his own library card a couple weeks ago, and had reserved a book that he wanted. Yesterday he and Daddy went to pick it up, and Henry is buzzing with the excitement of it.

first day of school 2007 and keeping my head above water

(Holding up 2 fingers to show he's in 2nd grade)

Um, yeah. The first day of school was a week ago. I'm not sure what my problem is- I just haven't felt moved to write much lately. Or even read much in the blog world. I guess we just need a break from our habits once in awhile- whatever those habits may be.

The first day went great for both kids, as have all the days since. Kate seems engaged and happy, and Henry has been getting good reports in the communication notebook. He has started saying "I don't want to go to school", which troubles me, even though I know it is normal. They are making him do work, which he didn't have to do at summer camp. So it's natural that he would have second thoughts about second grade (good one, eh?)

He doesn't put up a fight when it's time to get on the bus, which adds to my conviction that his protests aren't really sincere. But last night, as we watched Chicken Little before bath time, he chanted it over and over: I don't want to go to school I don't like going to school I don't like school I don't want to go to school. It's just so tiring to keep responding positively. And he does want a response- he expects me to say the right thing to comfort him. Sigh. I'm sure this will pass, but it is tiring.

My youngest son is being tiring in his own way. Doing a lot of whining and crying; and asking for a lot of things lately: when I pick him up from L's house, he'll ask "do you have a toy in the car? But I wanted a new toooooy! My toys are booooring!" Yeah- he's being quite a brat. Also tiring. I wonder if he's getting ready to grow or something because he's being very needy right now. He's waking up more at night and, as I mentioned before, crying each night when it's time to put on his pullup.

Henry's teacher sent a list of questions for him to answer before school started (I wanted to share it here but didn't get around to it). The questions were along the lines of "when I'm by myself I like to ____" "when I'm with my parents I like to ____", (I coached his answers a little bit so they weren't all watch a DVD). For the question "something I don't like is ____" Henry answered Tommy's crying voice. I don't like Tommy's crying voice. I thought this was a pretty telling response, considering there are so many other things Henry doesn't like! This must be the one that bothers him the most.

I don't want to act like we need to walk on eggshells around Henry, but I have been telling Tommy that it really bothers his brother when he cries, so please don't do it.

I guess it will just take us all a little while to get used to the new routine. Something still feels a little off right now, although the anxious dreams have gone away. I've just been feeling extra sensitive lately- I'll read a troubling news story and then it takes me days to shake it. It's the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana's death, and September 11th will be on a Tuesday again. (I remember that 9-11-01 was a Tuesday because we have a recurring meeting on the second Tuesday of every month...)

OK, enough of the moping. Here's some good news: I've always been too cheap to join a gym, but I finally broke down and joined the rec center here where I work. I just can't jog outside when it's 100 degrees, and I don't want the weather to be an excuse to not exercise at all. So I'm trying to do that regularly again, and that's probably helping with the sleep too. I'm also getting used to listening to CDs again, now that we have a CD player in the car.

I feel like I'm slowly coming back to the real world. Raising little kids (and teenagers) is like treading water in the ocean. Now that they're a little older maybe I can climb up on a raft, take a break, and drink a gin and tonic...

Black eye, day 13. Just so you know that it's almost gone. Also, we got a cool new ninja turtle.

(More pictures from the beach vacation)

I am overdue for a post, and have started a couple different times, but can't seem to figure out what to say. I started one post that said "I have a general good feeling hanging over me right now" and then the next day I looked at it and thought "no I don't- what was I talking about?"

Things are good right now- nothing is wrong or anything. But I have this vague sense of unease. I don't usually remember my dreams, but I have been remembering them for the past couple of weeks, and they are all like this: I realize that I am supposed to be at the airport in half an hour, but it takes half an hour to get there and I still have to pack, and there is a lot of important stuff that I can't forget to pack, and why didn't I pack for this trip sooner? And even though there's no chance in hell that I'll make that plane, I still keep fumbling around in my dream, trying to pack.

Or: I'm babysitting someone's baby, and I don't remember how to pick a baby up, except that I've raised 2 of my own, but now I don't remember what to do, and I feel bad because I offered to babysit for this friend and now I'm going to drop her baby or something.

I suppose I must be anxious about school starting. But there's no reason to be worried about Henry. The transition this year should be smooth as silk (I know, famous last words). But he'll have the same main teacher, be in the same classroom, have the same bus driver, be on the same schedule. Just like last year.

I am also anxious, but in a good way, about Henry's birthday. It always falls on Labor Day weekend and it's so fun to plan a cookout or trip to the zoo. It's a bit disappointing that Henry doesn't want to have the usual 8-year-old party, but it's so fun to think of all the outings he would enjoy that the disappointment disappears before it even fully forms.

Hmmm, what happened last week...

Thursday night we visited the elementary/middle/high school complex, to pick up Kate's schedule and books and to buy Henry's school supplies. It's easier to feel like we are really part of the school community, now that he is attending school in our district. But we still don't quite fit. His teacher sent him a cute letter ("We will have 6 boys in our class this year. I will need your help to teach them the rules and show them around the school...") and included a supply list. I assumed it was the 2nd grade supply list, but I was wrong. I guess it is the STACK classroom supply list. The woman from the PTO who was helping me couldn't have been nicer- she scampered around gathering supplies, and was very apologetic that she had never seen this list before. "There are only 6 kids in his class," I explained, "and most of them don't live in the district, so they probably wouldn't come to the PTO school supply sale."

I bought Henry a t-shirt with the name of his school on it (now that we're at the same school for the second year, I am willing to commit.) Henry's classroom door was open, so he went in and looked around. It was great to see how excited he was to look at everything. He spotted a couple of the new boys' desks, and seemed very comforted to come across a picture schedule.

He had a great horseback riding lesson that night- another child was having a lesson also, so there were times when the instructor would be working with the other child, and Henry would just be hanging out, sitting on T, talking to T. T would kind of wander around a bit and Henry seemed very comfortable, just on his own with the horse, with no one else assisting. They even TROTTED for the first time! (The instructor was right there for that part!) Henry grinned from ear to ear.

His instructor encouraged the kids to give one another "feedback". So Henry shouted "good trotting Anna!" over and over. Very cute. Tommy got to ride briefly also. I had never intended to raise equestrian children, but it seems like Thomas might end up taking classes too.

It just goes to show, you never know what opportunities a "disability" might bring to the whole family.

fun at the fair and new behaviors

Friday was our annual trip to the state fair. Me, the boys, my mom and dad, and this time one of my brothers was able to come along also.

We had a great time, as usual, and each year is a little bit different. The first couple years it was just me and Henry, and we walked back and forth, back and forth between the animal barns. (Because whatever animal we were looking at Henry wanted to see a different one. Until we got there, and then he wanted to go back to the other.)

But each year we have added a guest to our little party (Tommy, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Christian), and each year we seem to stay a little longer and see one new thing. This year, the new thing was this:

We rode the "sky glide." This was fun and the boys enjoyed it, but I was pretty freaked out that there was nothing strapping us in to this thing. There was one of those bars that comes down over your head, but any child or even a small adult could slide right under that bar and go crashing to the ground below. Dad and Henry were in the car behind us. I turned around once to take their picture and then worried that dad wasn't holding on to Henry. I guess dad had the same thought, because when I turned around again, he was. Phew.

We also saw some piglets, bought some cheap plastic swords and had sword fights, and watched a lot of the horse competitions. With his new interest in horses, I think Henry would have sat in that arena all day long, watching them and listening to the goofy organ music accompaniment.

I will have to post again in a couple days after I get some photos from mom and dad. Most of the ones I took yesterday were from the sky glide.

_________

Henry has been showing some signs of anxiety lately:

-He's been chewing on his shirt a lot. This is something he's never done before, although he did go through a phase around age 3 where he would chew/suck on his comforter- yuck. When this started, I thought maybe he had a loose tooth or something else strange going on in his mouth. That may have been at the beginning, but now I think it is just an oral habit that will be hard to break.

-He has been asking to sleep in our bed. This is not something Henry has EVER done before. He and Tommy share a room, and when Tommy was a baby and would cry at bedtime, I would sometimes put Henry down in my bed and then move him later. But now he is asking to sleep in our bed every night, and sometimes coming in in the middle of the night (again, NEVER done previously). I have tried asking him why, and he says "I don't like my bed." Tommy has been arguing about wearing his pullup at night, so maybe Henry wants to avoid that conflict...

-Henry has been requesting to watch DVDs (not unusual at all!) But he only watches the previews and the first 15 minutes or so, and then asks to put in a different movie (after the rest of us are interested in this first one!)

We are stumped by these new behaviors, except to wonder if he is feeling excited/anxious about school starting again. His teacher and school will be the same, and we have talked quite a bit about school and he doesn't seem apprehensive at all...

Any thoughts about any of these?

a couple things about me and some updates

Well hell, I've been kind of half-thinking of this "8 things" thing for a few weeks now and it's time to just let it go. I am going to write as many things as I can think of, and that will be that. This would be easier if I didn't include so much trivia about myself in my regular posts (I'm afraid of escalators, I stay up all night watching Lost...)

So.

1. I have a tattoo. Working with college students as I do, I know that tattoos are quite commonplace now. (I'd say that 50% of the student employees in our office have tattoos- many have a big one across their lower backs.)

But when I got mine, back in 1990, the summer before I turned 21, it was still a somewhat unusual thing to do. (That sounds kind of like a lame plea to be considered a rebel!)
A girlfriend and I cooked up this idea and didn't tell anyone. She has the same string of flowers running up her ankle- her flower petals are blue and mine are yellow.

That same summer this friend and I took a road trip to Ocean City, MD. We stayed in a teeny tiny house for a week with some other friends who were working there for the summer. We met surfer guys with dreadlocks and worked on our tans (probably the only time I actually got a tan). I was reading No One Here Gets Out Alive, about Jim Morrison, and we listened to a lot of Janis Joplin in the car. I guess you could say it was kind of a flower child summer for us- 25 years too late.

Funny how many details I remember about that summer- I think I knew at the time that it was kind of the last summer I would have free. When I got back to school in the fall I got a parttime job (at a daycare center) and worked and went to school in the following summers.

I bet I haven't seen my tattoo friend since our 10-year high school reunion (9 years ago)! We exchange Christmas cards and the occasional e-mail. But hopefully she still smiles when she stops to think about her tattoo. (Or maybe she has had it removed!!! I'll have to ask her!)

2. I played the violin from elementary school through, I think, 10th grade? I stopped playing at some point during high school because orchestra class conflicted with newspaper or yearbook class, and I cared more about those. Like many things in my life, I look back and wish I would have put more effort into the violin- I hardly ever practiced. But I do feel that it gave me an appreciation for classical music that I would not have gained otherwise.

During Bill's end-of-season basketball pizza party this year, the boys and I explored the school a bit (not the same elementary school Henry attends). We discovered that the stage was set up for an orchestra or band performance- with chairs and music stands. I described to the boys what that's like: you get dressed up and your mom and dad are out in the audience waiting to see you. You sit down with your instrument, and get your music all ready. Then these curtains open up and you start playing music! For everyone to hear!
They both seemed fascinated- especially Henry. So I hope that he will learn to play a musical instrument someday.

3. I was a precocious reader in elementary school and read Gone With the Wind in 6th grade. A friend had read it first and then loaned it to me. We went on to watch the movie and collect some memorabilia. I remember my 6th grade teacher saying "maybe you'll want to read it again when you're older. You might get more out of it."
Now that I'm an adult and read children's literature (our friend with the lightning-bolt scar) I guess I've come full circle.
So, there- 3 tidbits about me.
_____________
I wanted to update about Henry's gymnastics class, with some photos:
There he is, right in front of the instructor, doing just what she is doing.

Here, he is ready to swing out over the "pit" of foam blocks. The other kids hold on and swing back and forth before dropping. Henry does not grip the trapeze at all- once he dropped straight down onto the floor.

Walking backwards on the low balance beam.

I have to update, also, on the other boys in the class. They had all improved so much in 2 weeks (we missed a week because of vacation.) I mentioned that to the one boy's aide, and she replied that he usually has an extra-hard time when something is new, which makes perfect sense.

_________________

Tommy said something cute on vacation: he was in my room with me while I was getting dressed. I opened my drawer and started shuffling through my shirts. "Wear that one," he said, indicating a particular, melon-colored striped polo shirt from American Eagle (hand-me-down from my teenager).

"OK," I said "I'll wear this one."

"Good," he replied "you look very handsome in that shirt."

Do you think that kid hears a lot of compliments?!

2007 vacation wrap-up (no HP spoilers)

We're back from our terrific vacation. (See if you can guess which boy I am standing with- the t-shirt is a dead giveaway, as is the squirt gun.)

I was so thrilled to walk into the waves with Henry that first afternoon and see the smile spread across his face. Like so many of his internet counterparts, Henry loved the ocean. I had hoped he would.

Even more than the waves crashing into him, he seemed to love the feel of the undertow pulling him. Once we were waist-deep and the first good wave hit him, he just let go of my hand and started walking out toward the horizon! Of course, I tried to drum into his head the danger of being in the water without a grownup, and if it had been up to me alone, he would never have let go of anyone's hand.

The ocean was really rough the second day- the waves were strong and high, and a painful layer of broken shells had been deposited right where the waves were breaking. Both boys and I ended up getting scared or hurt by the waves that day. (I got the worst of it- knocked down by a wave and dragged across those sharp shells- I came out of the water bleeding!)

So the scary second day put a bit of a damper on things, but Henry and I went down to tell the ocean goodnight, and to ask it to be more calm the next day, and it was.

Although Henry liked being in the ocean, he had no interest in sitting on the beach. As soon as he came out of the water, he wanted to get back in the house and take off his clingy wet trunks. I guess it's not surprising, since he doesn't ever like being outdoors any other time, but it was a bit disappointing to have him sitting inside while his cousins dug in the sand for hours.

I don't feel that I packed well enough for him- I brought lots of books, but not enough, and I didn't think to bring his binder full of Disney papers- he was really lost without that. I don't know why I didn't realize how important it would be, why I thought he would just find other ways to entertain himself? So he spent a lot of time asking me to "find" a computer (so he could print out more pages).

Mid-week I took the boys on a little adventure. I had read that there was an aquarium nearby, so we went to find it. It turned out that you had to take a ferry boat to get to the aquarium. The boys loved that!

Here is Henry looking at an alligator. They were his favorite part of the aquarium, and he really barely looked at anything else.

Here are the boys on the ferry boat:

Here's Thomas playing in the sand. He enjoyed the sand more than the water. The ocean scared him a bit, I think, and the salt water hurt his eyes.

I hope you can see what Henry's doing here: he's riding on a boogie board!

Because we left at 3 am Saturday morning (July 21), my sister-in-law picked up my copy of Harry Potter #7 for me. She had read the whole thing by the time they arrived on Sunday! I loved having it to read on vacation, but didn't finish until the ride home, so I wasn't able to discuss the book with her or my brother-in-law, who finished it while at the beach.

I know that at least one of my internet friends has not read it yet, so I will refrain from discussing here just yet. Knowing what I know now, I want to re-read the entire series. I cried at least 3 or 4 times during #7- what could be better than a perfectly crafted story about good vs. evil, magic, and the power of love?

there's autism, and then there's autism...

We are trying gymnastics again with Henry, and he is like a totally different kid this time. The first class was Wednesday. He was excited about it for days and when the time finally came, he ran right out onto his felt square and started stretching, side-to-side, looking back over his shoulder at me and grinning.

The other three boys in Henry's class are all autistic also. But more autistic. They are all bigger than Henry, but I am guessing they are younger than him. Two of them had aides who assisted and tried to direct them through the activities. One boy in particular kept making a break for the trampoline. He was so big and strong that his skinny young aide was really little help in corralling him. At one point he hurled himself over the three-foot wall that divides the viewing area from the classroom, grabbed his sander (like from a toy workbench), and tossed it back over the wall. All the while his aide and his mom were saying "the sander can't go in, the sander needs to stay out here."

One mom went up to the other and asked if her son had attended such-and-such preschool. He had, and they remembered one another, and started catching up. They talked about trying to potty train their sons, and how they had pets that their sons were interested in at first, but now didn't look twice at, about different classrooms they had tried and how discouraging it was to have your son be the "lowest functioning" in the class- to get reports that he didn't participate in circle time that day. They both agreed that they didn't know whether to describe their sons as verbal or non-verbal, because they said some words, but not spontaneously. They talked about how very very hard it is, and how no one understands.

I sat across the aisle from them and listened and felt a cold sinking feeling. "I understand!" I wanted to shout. But the sinking feeling came from the realization that I don't actually understand this autism.

I've dipped my toes there- when Henry was 3, 4, 5. When he screamed at everything and scratched and pinched. When all his teachers could report was "Henry had another rough day today." But we're not in that place anymore. And these women still are, and may not ever move far out of it.

I felt very humbled. I thought about all the things I've written here about not wanting to change my son, how his autism makes him what he is. And I realized that there is a difference. A real difference between this autism and that autism, between the challenges my child presents and is presented with, and those closer to the other end of the spectrum.

As I buckled my 2 boys into the car to head home, and they chattered about what a great job Henry did at gymnastics class, I watched one mom and her aide work together to get their big boy into the car. He must have thrown himself to the ground, because I saw one grab his feet, the other under his arms, and somehow heave his 80-lb body into the car.

We're all in this together, and maybe I could offer something to those other moms. But saying I'm in the same boat with them seems kind of like declaring myself a cancer survivor because I had a spot of skin cancer removed from my shoulder 10 years ago.

what I did on my summer vacation

No- my vacation isn't over. The real vacation hasn't even started yet. But I am enjoying my vacation-before-the-vacation very much. (Tommy's sitter is on her vacation this week, so I had to take this week off too.) Funny how I find it much harder to keep up with reading and writing my blogs when I'm not in front of my computer at work for 8 uninterrupted hours a day. Hmmm. (Don't tell my boss.)

I took quite a few pictures of stuff that caught my eye over the weekend- I was feeling really warm and fuzzy. I guess that's a given when your time off from work starts. But I had another reason too: one of my very best friends confided in me last week that she is having some pretty serious troubles at home. Thursday night I had trouble sleeping- thinking about it all. But aside from the worry, another effect this news had on me was to make me look around at my life with fresh eyes and appreciate it just a little more. You know how that is? It feels a little wrong to let someone else's unhappiness cause me to revel in my own, but that's what happens sometimes.

Friday night I was invited to a friend's house for one of those "parties" where someone's trying to sell you something. This time it was makeup/beauty products. Even though I didn't know most of the women there very well, I had a nice time and was glad I went. Then Saturday I went to lunch and a movie (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) with another friend! Now, I only have about 4 real-life friends, and I got to do something with 2 of them last weekend- no wonder I was feeling so good! And Bill hung out with the boys all that time with no problems.

The HP movies are always inferior to the books as far as the storyline goes, but I really enjoyed this one for the mood that it set- very well-done, I thought. I have been skimming #s 5 & 6 in preparation for the 7th. I have also been reading 2 other new autism books: Susan Senator's Making Peace with Autism, and Autistic Planet by Jennifer Elder.

Autistic Planet is such a cute, rhyming children's book: an autistic child explains what life is like on her "planet". It's a great book to read to your autistic child, or your typical child who has an autistic kid in their class... The only thing I am struggling with a little is that I haven't had "the autism talk" with Henry. And I wonder if there needs to be a "talk", or if I read him a book like this and say "you know, you're autistic", if that would blow his mind. Obviously he knows he's in a different class at school, and I'm sure he's heard the word autism batted around, but I wonder what he thinks of it? I'd love to know what any of you have said (or not said) to your children...

Susan Senator's book isn't new- just new to me. I usually have a problem getting through "autism books". I haven't been able to put a finger on why that is? But I don't have the same feeling about Susan's book, and I think it may be because I "know" her a little better from reading her blog, so I have a feeling about how it will end. Maybe other books worry me because I don't know if the author will end up hating autism, or curing autism, or deciding it was all caused by pesticides in their water... It certainly can't be that I'm afraid I'll find out some new bad information about life with autism. I'm living it every day and there's nothing that should surprise me anymore!

We have still been taking Henry to Easter Seals' summer camp this week. I feel a twinge of guilt dropping him off there every morning and then returning home with his little brother, but I truly believe that the structure and continuation of school routine are necessary for him. If he were at home he would want to watch movies or play on the computer all day, and to be brutally honest, I am not tough enough myself to force him to have craft time or challenge him in other ways. I would end up saying "awww, it's his summer vacation too. I'll just let him do what he wants."

Monday we picked him up from camp and visited his favorite library. Then we stopped at the pool in that neighborhood for a quick dip. Henry obliged by getting in the pool for a bit, but then retreated to a towel to look at his new library books.

Yesterday we picked him up a couple hours early and went to a "golf and games" place- they have miniature golf, a game arcade, and a big "funzone" with climbing tubes and ball pits and stuff. I had planned for us to spend our time in the funzone area, but we actually played a lot of arcade games and it was so much fun! Both boys were surprisingly good at air hockey! Henry really enjoyed skee-ball (I assisted him, hand-over-hand). I would never have considered a video arcade to be a worthwhile outing, but Henry actually used a lot of fine and gross motor skills there, so we may have to do this more often.

Here are some of the pictures I took over the weekend:


This is the plant Henry gave me for Mother's Day. It has been blooming so beautifully. On the other windowsill:

Some lovely squash from the garden of one of Bill's co-workers.

We took the inflatable jumpy out to the front yard this weekend to wear Thomas out. I don't know how well you can see it, but I took this picture because I was noticing the birthmark (angel kiss or whatever it's called) on his forehead. Very visible when he was first born, now I only notice it when he is exerting himself.

I bought myself some gladiolus (spell?) at the grocery store. Happy vacation to me!

Thomas brought this poster home from Grandma and Grandpa's house- it belonged to one of my brothers. Thank goodness we are such packrats in my family!

Although I did let Henry watch a lot of movies over the weekend, I also got him to play a few games with me ("first a game, then a movie"). Here, he had won at animal bingo (he was playing with 2 cards- the jaguar and the lion. Guess he couldn't decide on just one big cat.)

I have been tagged by a couple friends for the "8 things" meme. I am composing it in my head and hope to post before we leave on the beach vacation. Until then, you can click here to read the old "10 things" that went around way back when.

pics from Grandpa's new camera

(Henry is reading the beloved Return of the Jedi story tape book from the library. Glad dad got a picture of it.)

Thanks, everyone, for your great suggestions on my post below. Keep 'em coming. We're not leaving for the beach until the 20th or 21st (discussions continue as to the merits of splitting the drive into 2 days vs. plugging through in one day).

As always when one of the kids is gone, this week is strange. It takes a few days to get used to having one less kid, and just when I do get used to it, he'll be back. I took an aimless trip to the store after work yesterday, just because I could. Bought myself some Diesel sneakers cheap at TJ Maxx.

It's fun to have a little more time and attention to give to Henry. He's been asking a lot of "what comes after..." questions. Like "Thursday is my horseback riding lesson with Mrs. Pam." "That's right," I reply. "What comes after my horseback riding lesson?" "Umm, well, shower and bedtime, I guess." "And what happens on Friday?"...

This morning we looked at his calendar and talked about some things that are coming up this summer. Then, as I was packing his lunch, Henry came running into the kitchen and said "Oobi is watching a doctor." (I hope I remembered that correctly- he wanted to say Oobi is seeing a doctor, but didn't have the words quite right...) So we talked about doctors a bit.

Then Henry said "Mommy, come with me and you will be the doctor." He wanted to play!!!!!!! Of course I went along- who cares if I'm late(r) to work?

"Mommy, please get the doctor kit from the toy box upstairs." If you think about it, this whole exchange is quite remarkable:

1. He wanted to play

2. He thought of a toy we could use to play

3. He thought of where that toy was

4. He communicated all that info to me

Although I don't think he's ever watched any of the movies, my little pop culture sponge is all caught up in the excitement of the newest Harry Potter movie. This morning he had me recite the names of all the movies ("I just like the movies. I don't like the books.") so many times that I finally wrote them down for him.

You'll notice I didn't ask for vacation reading suggestions- I'll be reading The Deathly Hallows, of course.

summer vacation

Now we are getting into the real summer part of summer: vacation.

Thomas' sitter, L, takes 2 weeks off in the summer. We usually try to coordinate our vacation with hers, of course, but this year it didn't work out that way. She is gone today through the 20th, and our vacation starts the 21st!* So Tommy is staying with my parents this week, and I will stay home with him next week. We just took him to Grandma and Grandpa's last night and so far he has gone out for ice cream, run through the fountains at an outside mall, swam in their pool, stayed up late watching a movie, and fallen asleep with Grandpa. This morning he didn't even care to talk to me on the phone.

*Most years for our summer vacation we visit Bill's family's cottage on a lake in Northern Michigan. But this summer we are doing something different: my mother-in-law has rented a house on the ocean in North Carolina and we will all be vacationing there together (Bill's mom and her husband, his brother, sister, their spouses, and 2 children each).

My kids have never been to the ocean before, so I'd love to hear any suggestions of things we should be sure to do. Those of you who are lucky enough to live near the ocean: do your kids like to just play in the waves and build sand castles? Or do I need to have some other tricks up my sleeve?

Independence Day photo blog

9:30 am: We arrive at the designated parade-watching site and settle in.

Henry digs in to his two huge donuts- picking them apart from the outside-in. (At the donut table, Bill told him "take one" and Henry attempted to carry off ONE BOX of donuts. Hee hee.)

Thomas, usually subdued at first in a new situation, sits down to watch.

This is Henry's "excited" pose. He waves his arms and kicks his feet as he watches the parade. It doesn't get much better in Henry's world. (Or mine either, come to think of it.)

Thomas livens up a little and retrieves some of the candy thrown from the passing floats. He did a great job chewing several pieces of bubble gum without swallowing them.

Henry eventually can sit no more. He runs out to wave at the passing parade.

Thomas' sugar begins to kick in. It's becoming harder to get a picture.

Got some excited energy to burn? How about attacking Daddy?

Henry would run back and forth, waving to the folks in the parade and then coming to report to us on what he had seen.

"They waved back at me!" He would say, "this is the best parade I ever saw!" (Until next year, I'm sure.)

The only downside to this holiday for us was that we were home from the parade by 11 a.m. The next event on the boys' radar was the fireworks: just 11 short hours away. We spent a lot of time yesterday talking about the clock, and answering the question "is it getting dark yet?"

A thunderstorm at 3 pm didn't help either- it meant that we couldn't go to the playground to kill some time. Next year we will have to plan some other events to get us through the day.

This next picture is one of my new very favorites. Kate came along with us to the fireworks and I can't remember the last time she did that. She's usually at her mom's house on the 4th or just too cool to hang out with us!

So here she is with the boys, waiting for the fireworks to start. They did not disappoint!

Thomas cried when the fireworks were over. Henry asked "why is Tommy crying?" After I explained it, Henry went over, put his hand on Tommy's shoulder, bent over and tilted his head in order to look Tommy in the face, and said "It's all right, Tommy." What a great big brother!

library, fainting, and acting locally

So there's this book Henry likes to borrow from the library: The Return of the Jedi story tape and book. He likes it so much, and it is so old (I'm sure it's from when the movie first came out, when I was a kid), that the last time we returned it, several pages had fallen out.

That was probably 6 months ago, if not more. And every time we've been to the library since, he looks for it. Every time, I look it up in the computer and the status says DAMAGED. I figured it was beyond repair, and they were just going to take it out of circulation. I have searched for a copy online to buy, but haven't found one.

As he has grown older, Henry has gotten better about understanding when something can't be his way. He doesn't throw a screaming fit in the library, like he might have a few years ago, but he also won't let go of asking about that book. He's a persistent one.

We were at the library yesterday and, before I could stop him, Henry took matters into his own hands, went up and asked the librarian about the book!!!!

She went into the back room, retrieved it, and taped it right before his eyes! (She said she had been hoping to replace it, but she also had not been able to find another copy.)

Henry was beaming. And so was I. I can't explain how proud I was of him for taking the initiative to ask. He wasn't afraid to talk to the librarian, all on his own, and she (mostly) understood just what he wanted and satisfied his request.

It gives me hope that he'll be able to go far on his own in life. Maybe farther than me, who is content to just believe what it says in the database, and not question it!
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Awhile back I wrote about the predisposition Henry and I have towards fainting. At that point, much to my relief, it had never happened to Thomas.

Well, that changed this weekend. When I picked him up at his sitter's Friday, he was jumping on her trampoline. He fell, like he does 30 times a day, 5 days a week. But this time he kind of stopped crying and lay still. An older boy happened to be up there with him and we asked the boy to pick Tommy up. When he did, I could see that Tommy was arching his back. I scrambled up there as best I could (have you ever tried to get up on a trampoline FAST? With that damn safety net all around it?) as Tommy's eyes were rolling back in his head. I sort of tossed him out to L, and by that time he was back "with us". Looking around like he didn't know where he was, and very pale. The whole episode probably lasted 45 seconds. But it sure scared the hell out of L and me.

I was hoping that, because of his more advanced communication skills, Thomas might be able to tell me more about what happened than Henry ever could. But he didn't seem to remember it. All he said was that he fell and his leg hurt.

I believe this might be a tendency that we've inherited from my dad's side of the family- others on that side have had similar incidents. My dad is one of 11 children, and grew up on a farm. I sure wish that my grandma was still around to ask about this. I suppose by the time the 5th child did this she didn't even flinch- just patted him on the head and went back to work!
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In other news, I met another real-life parent of an autistic kid at gymnastics class. The first evening I laid eyes on this boy as he barreled through the door and headed towards the bathrooms, and heard the way his mom spoke to him: "Shoes. Cubby." I knew he must be autistic.

Last week she struck up a conversation with me about Thomas. She said she'd been watching him and thought he was a cutie (well, duh.) I kind of awkwardly worked into the conversation that I had an older son who had an autism spectrum disorder, and she confirmed that her son did too. It's funny, it seemed like she was drawn to Thomas for some of the same reasons that I get an extra kick out of him: because he's so TYPICAL. Just does normal little boy stuff, most of the time effortlessly. Moms who don't have a child who struggles doubtlessly take that for granted.

Anyway, I felt a little silly because she was asking me if I'm on some local listservs and chatrooms, which I'm not. She has friends with ASD kids who live in my neighborhood! But I don't know them. For one thing, her son is 4, and most of the other kids she knows are the same age. It's interesting how many more opportunities there are for kids just a few years younger than Henry. Interesting and frustrating, but I'm not bitter, am I?

So maybe I'll meet some new people and find some new opportunities for Henry out of this. I'm a little reluctant in some weird way. Maybe my internet friends feel safer to me than real-life people. On the internet we can choose which days we want to interact and which days we don't. And we can control what our friends know about us and what they don't... Gosh, I sound paranoid. And anti-social.

riding lessons

Several people have asked for more information about our horseback riding. We had our first real lesson last night. But first, let me tell you how we got here.

I know nothing about horses. I think I rode one once, at camp in 6th grade. But my dad grew up on a dairy farm, and I have a sentimental spot for farm life and farm animals. Henry shares that interest- either he was born with it or I created it in him- and we enjoy going to the state fair together and visiting that dairy farm that we last went to on Mother's Day.
Last year at the fair, Henry showed a lot of interest in the horses. I had read about some other kids taking therapeutic riding lessons and thought "well, I'll look into that." I don't know about the rest of you, but lots of times "looking into" something is easier said than done. Grandma and Grandpa had offered to pay for Henry's lessons as a birthday gift last August, and we are just now starting them!

Kate has a friend who rides horses, and we know a woman at church who rides also. I asked both of them if they knew of anyone who did therapeutic riding, and waited and waited for their answers. I searched online and found quite a few promising stables, but they were all an hour or more away from us, and I was sure there must be something closer.

Finally, 6 months later, Kate's friend came through with the name of a woman who boards horses at her same stable. I called Pam, and grew so excited as I talked with her. She is a psychologist who works at the state Department of Mental Health as well as being a Certified Riding Instructor and "Certified Equine-Assisted Psychotherapist" and 4-H adviser.

I'm sure that the cost would vary, according to where you live, but Pam charges $30/1-hour private lesson, $20/half-hour private lesson. And she is letting us pay-as-we-go, rather than making us commit to 10 lessons up-front or something. (Although if things continue to go this well, I think we'll be doing this year-round, along with the swimming lessons.)

Last night she had Henry help her get T out of his stall and groom him, all the while telling Henry the names of all the equipment she was using.

Then they walked T outside, and she asked Henry to pull the gate shut. (Dumb mommy lesson #1- Henry should wear jeans and sneakers next time. Not shorts and CROCS.)

Note Henry's posture in the below photo. This is one of the things they will work on. Pam reminded him several times to sit up straight, and it was almost as if he wasn't sure what that meant. He will gain strength and muscle tone, just by riding and holding the reins with proper posture.

I was asked to help walk the horse (so I am learning too), while Pam walked alongside Henry. He remembered to say "walk on" when he wanted the horse to go, and "whoa" when he wanted to stop. Pam kept quizzing him on the parts of the saddle, etc. and reminding him to sit up straight and proud. That was one thing that struck me last time, when we watched the girls having a lesson: how proud, poised, and confident (but not arrogant) they seemed.

And I was really struck by the fact that horseback riding is not only about learning a skill- it is also about the relationship with the horse- the respect between horse and rider. I mean, T could have effortlessly tossed my kid 40 feet over a fence if he wanted, but instead he swished his tail so patiently and walked so well with me, even though I'm sure he could tell I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Just like last time, Henry's internal alarm suddenly went off, and he was ready to be done. I hadn't really paid attention, but Pam said that he had ridden about 20 minutes, and she seemed genuinely pleased and proud of what he had done.

So, it took us almost a year to figure this out, but I think this picture speaks for itself- it was worth the wait!