Gosh, maybe I should change the name of this blog to "things that irritate me" since that's what I talk about every day! But here's one more:

There's this woman, a wife of a co-worker. I was talking to her the other day about the kids starting school. Her son has some medical issues and developmental delays, and is in a special-needs preschool class. We were talking about therapies our kids receive, and I told her that one day recently Henry piped up "I had OT today!"

That statement kind of set me back. It somehow made me sad that my kid gets special services and talks about them. Not that he should be ashamed of it, but more like I thought he didn't know what OT and PT and speech and APE were- that he would just think they were part of every kid's school day. But it turns out that he knows that OT is called OT. Huh.

So I told her that it kind of freaked me out that Henry said this, and she replied, "oh, really. That doesn't bother me at all. I have no problem with that. T knows which teachers work on which therapies- I think it's great."

This woman is kind of like that all the time, about any subject- so it's not surprising that she said this. But still it pissed me off. Sorry that I'm not as FINE with my kid's special needs as you are, perfect mom!
_______________

Here are a couple cool pictures from that trip to the aquarium:


This shark was swimming over our heads!

Here's what I see when I try to read my blogs on the computer at home:

We made banana bread a couple weekends ago- one of our favorite things to do, and both boys can be helpers. I have no idea why Henry had to lift his shirt up right at that moment?

I gotta tell you this before I forget: last night I was getting ready to read with Henry in his bed. I said "you know what?" (this is a little game we play- we've said it so many times that he knows we are going to say "I love you") and he replied "I love you too."

Then I said "I love you even more than that. I love you so much."

Henry held my hand, looked into my eyes, and shouted "please don't cry!"

I am quite the crier, but actually had no tears in my eyes at that moment- didn't feel any coming on. My voice wasn't quivering or anything. I don't think I've ever started crying while expressing my love to Henry. I don't know where his exclamation came from! Unless it was something he's seen in a movie or tv show.

(Here's another thing that irritates me: I've been trying all day to make spaces in between these lines above, but they will not take. Blogger is trying to drive me crazy.)

inequity

I know a woman who was unable to have children.

She and her husband adopted a beautiful daughter who brightened their lives. At one year old the child fell from her crib and died.

The couple went on to adopt two more children: a son and a daughter.

While those children were still in school, their father, a high school principal and football coach, suffered a stroke and died.

This woman raised her children on her own after that, giving them a warm, loving, happy home, and as "normal" a childhood as can be expected, when one has lost one's father.

Her daughter went to college, married, and now has 5 children, and they see their Grandma almost every day.

Her son suffered a stroke more than 10 years ago, so she continues to care for him.

I'm sure this woman feels blessed, and she is. I know she is not bitter about the tough times that life has shown her.
________

I know another woman who has suffered great loss and pain in her life.

Both these women are kind, gentle, loving mothers, who have always made their families their top priority.
_________

I know a third woman, and hear of many others like her, who has been blessed with many children, and multiple (decent, it seems) husbands. But she continues to make herself her top priority, without a care for those around her.

Why does this happen? Some will say that God gives hardship to those who can handle it. I don't like that theory. I like to believe that good things will happen to good people and bad things will happen to bad people.

But sometimes real life doesn't play along with my theory.

Oh- sorry to louse things up by upgrading. I'd better figure out how to use some new features and make it worth everyone's while. You know something funny? Once I upgraded, there was this notice that I had comments to be moderated. I've never (purposely) set up comment moderation. So there were some comments from some of you from last November that I never saw until now. Weird.

Henry had his 7-year checkup yesterday. He is 44 inches tall and weighs 42 lbs. I don't really expect anyone to care about that, but feel that I need to record that information somewhere, so when I am asked how much Henry weighed when he was 7 I'll be able to answer. Bill took him to the appointment and reported that Henry did a great job cooperating and answering all the doctor's questions. He seems to be in good health, and his weight puts him in the 25th percentile, so he's not the teeniest 7-year-old ever.

Isn't this the best time of year? Today the sky is cloudless and almost a periwinkle blue. The leaves are just starting to fall, but for the most part everything is still green. The air at night is so cool and crisp that I feel like I could sleep forever. My kids seem to feel that way too- it's hard to wake them up in the morning.

I bought the boys their Halloween costumes this weekend- but will not reveal what they are until I have pictures from trick-or-treating. They are so damn cute in their costumes that I can hardly stand it. Does anyone remember the scene in E.T when the kids are going trick-or-treating and the mom is squealing about how cute they look, and taking their picture? Every year I hear myself doing that to my own children. I have become that kind of mom that I used to laugh at.

(I tried to find a photo on the internet of that scene I'm talking about, but didn't have any luck. What a great movie ET was...)

Anyway, we bought the costumes at this discount/closeout kind of store. Just Thomas and I were shopping, and that kid is such a joy to be around. He gets all excited and says "oh, mommy look at dis!" about everything, from holiday decor to bath towels to shoes. He is excited about everything, but is able, willing even, to move on and TRANSITION to the next exciting thing, which is very different from his brother.

With Henry, I always have to have an alternate plan, an emergency plan, try to predict what he will like the best and do that first, or maybe do that last, depending on the situation. It's relaxing to not have to be one step ahead at all times. (I guess I already talked about that when I took Tommy to the library one day. But it bears repeating.)

This morning, out of the blue, Tommy said "I will use my cape and fly into Piglet's Big Movie and I will save the scrapbook." (If you're not familiar with Piglet's Big Movie, Piglet has made a scrapbook with pictures of all his friends. Two of the friends- I think Tigger and Rabbit- argue over the book, ultimately dropping it into the river, where it is washed away.)

I have a meeting with Henry's teacher planned for Friday morning, and am anxious to hear how she feels about the first month of school. She writes me notes every day, of course, but those are so brief and talk about Henry's mood that particular day, rather than her overall impressions.

weekend gripes

1. Do we all agree that Instant Messenger is the tool of the devil? Everything that has ever gone wrong with a computer at home or at the office can be traced back to the evil AOL. For several days our home computer would boot up, open up AIM, and then everything else on the screen would go blank. Like AIM was the cockroach that survived the Windows armageddon. After trying several other things I finally removed AIM from the system, and now it seems to be working normally.

I'm eternally amused by Instant Messenger anyway, because Kate leaves away messages that say "homework then shower then bed then school tomorrow."

Whoa. I would never have been able to hazard a guess as to what my teenage friend's weeknight schedule might be. Thank God for Instant Messenger. Now I know where to find her.

2. How hard is it to learn to drive? How hard do you think it would be to learn in a minivan, with 4 other family members riding along? What about if you threw in an autistic kid who would provide running commentary:

"We stopped! You want me to tell you why we stopped? Why is Kate going back up into the driveway? We stopped again! Kate is NOT driving! You want me to tell you what they are doing? Now daddy is driving! They switched! You want me to tell you why they switched?"

3. Bill and I have a new favorite bible quote. (I guess really this is probably our first favorite bible quote.) From Proverbs:

"How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?"

This has many potential applications.

I feel like it's time to post, but don't have one coherent idea. So here are a few recent thoughts:

-The paradox that is raising a teenager

Kate has been so great lately. An unanticipated bonus to Henry switching schools this year is that his elementary school and Kate's high school share a cafeteria. They see one another every day at lunchtime! It seems to be something that's really special for both of them, and I am so thankful. Kate has also visited his classroom, and may visit regularly to read a book next semester (she doesn't have a study hall this semester).

Henry has added "I'm going to miss you, Kate" to his repertoire, and one night specifically asked HER to read him a book, rather than me or Bill. She is a junior this year, so I'm glad the two of them are enjoying their time together, before she leaves us.

And this is the paradox. One minute I'm choking up, unable to believe that the little girl I played tea parties with will be leaving us in 2 short years.

The next minute, I'm looking at her dirty socks on the floor and her trashed bedroom and her hair all over the sink, and thinking "in 2 short years I won't have to clean up after her anymore/remind her to clean up after herself. I won't have to look at her IM away-messages every time I get on the computer..."

I say stuff like "in 2 years you can eat whatever you want and stay up as late as you want. But until then..." Blah blah blah.

-Henry is smart

The bus driver said this to me the other morning: "Do you know that he is so smart? He already knows where all the kids live and in what order they get dropped off!" I was like "duh." I mean, that's vital information to an ASD kid- that's what keeps his world spinning- knowing what is coming next.

Someone gave him a "Henry and Mudge" book for his birthday. As he now has HOMEWORK (eeek!) which includes 15 minutes of reading, we have been reading it every night. The first night I read most of the story, prompting him to read a few words. The next night I paused for longer spells, and I'll be damned if he didn't read almost every word! He got stumped on a few unusual words (teacups is one that comes to mind), but read really quickly, and without protest.

-Our sitter, L, is awesome

It's been rainy for a few days. One day when I picked Tommy up, I asked "did you have to stay inside all day because it was raining?" L said "no- tell your mommy what we did." She let the kids run around outside in the rain in their underwear, and even jump on the trampoline! I can't imagine anyone better helping us raise our kids.

A friend was having some problems with her babysitter. I was relating some of them to L, and said "you know, the only time you ever did anything that upset me was when you told me you thought Henry was autistic. And you were right about that."

She said "do you know how long it took me to get up the nerve to tell you that?" I had never considered how hard that must have been for her. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell her how much she means to me and my kids.

So Sunday morning we met up with everyone at the zoo. My mom and dad came down for the day also, which was a treat, and we could celebrate mom's 60th birthday! (Happy birthday mom!)

Henry again perseverated on the particular thing that he MOST wanted to see: the reptiles. That's what he had done at the aquarium also, but either he was more obnoxious about it the second day, or my tolerance and patience had been tapped out, because I found it more frustrating on Sunday. I wish I could help him "shut off" that part of his brain that makes him think "reptile house reptile house reptile house reptile house". He is missing out on all the other cool stuff that comes along on the way.

One attraction that continued from the previous day were waterfalls. Henry was willing to stop at look at any exhibit with a waterfall. If you are looking for waterfalls the next time you're at the zoo, you'll be surprised at how many you'll see! Here is Henry admiring the seals and their waterfall:



Grandma and Grandpa offered to take him straight to the reptiles, and the rest of us could follow the path around the zoo. At first I refused that, and wanted him to walk around with the rest of the group. But, as I said, I was getting pretty frustrated... So after a while they branched off with Henry, and then met up with us again later. That worked out just fine for everyone. Sometimes I just resist having to do things a different way to accommodate Henry. But it was his birthday weekend, after all.

We usually rent one of these buggies for the kids to ride in, in case they get tired. Notice that Henry is clutching one of his "prints". (A page printed from disney.com. He has at least one, if not several, with him at all times.) I guess, as interests/perseverations go, this one is pretty easy to manage. They are easy to carry and easy to replace if lost or damaged.


The Cincinnati Zoo has an insect building (ours does not). We went through quickly, but one thing that seemed to really fascinate Henry were the bees. They had one of those displays that is a cross-section of a real beehive- a tube leads out of the building, allowing the bees to come and go. Henry would have looked at those bees all day. I wouldn't mind getting an ant farm, but I don't think we'll be endorsing this interest in bees!
Here's something interesting that Henry does: whenever we finish an outing like this, we get in the car to drive home, and Henry says "I had such a good time at the zoo/aquarium/bowling alley/fair". It's like he wants to summarize the trip, or assign it into his memory. It's cute, and kind of amusing to the adults who maybe didn't have SUCH a good time. Maybe he is trying to re-write OUR memories: "don't think about the meltdowns I had, mommy. Just remember that I had such a good time!"
That evening we drove into downtown Cincinnati for their fireworks display. This was a bit tedious, because in order to park and get a good viewing spot, we had to arrive 1 1/2 hours before the fireworks were to start. Ugh. Henry was being so sweet and so patient. But every 10 minutes he would say "they are getting ready to start!" "The sun is going down!" And I'm looking at my watch and thinking "45 more minutes of this..." There were no bathroom facilities, of course, and our 2-year-old seemed to get a big kick out of peeing in the woods.
Thomas and I finally took a walk up a steep hill for the last 15 minutes. That was entertaining because we were in an area where hip young people live, and one house had hired a (loud) dj. Tommy solemnly covered his ears as we walked past, his Buzz Lightyear shoes lighting up as he walked. All the cool kids were smiling at him over their cool kid drinks.
You know, I never wish to be younger. I would much rather be a mom walking with her kid and waiting for the fireworks to start than be one of the cool kids, stumbling down the hill in their impractical shoes, text-messaging on their cool kid phones.
The fireworks, once they finally began, were awesome. The boys watched intently and exclaimed over the colors and patterns.
I think it has taken us all week to recover from the weekend.
(The picture seemed so small on my last post, I thought I would try again with a larger version.)

weirdo

After the comments on my last post, I thought I would publish this one that I had started, but never completed:
________

So, I have been tagged to reveal some weird things about myself. My bag of secrets is getting smaller the longer I have this blog, but it is also making me more self-aware, which makes new idiosyncracies occur to me. So...

1. I have always looked younger than I am. When I was 26 and Kate was 6, we were mistaken for sisters a couple times! You might think this is an enviable trait, but it really irritated me in my 20s. (Older) people would say, "I wouldn't have guessed your age-you look so young!" in a way that maybe they thought was supposed to be a compliment, but really sounded like an insult. It always made me feel like maybe I was dressing inappropriately or saying "like" too often or something. But now I realize they were just jealous.

Just in the past few months the cashiers have stopped asking for my i.d. if I buy alcohol with my groceries. And it kind of hurts.

2. I have a tattoo on my ankle. In our current environment, this is totally NOT weird at all. But when my girlfriend and I decided to get tattoos the summer of 1990, we didn't know anyone else who had one, and felt that we were being pretty wild.

3. I am somewhat prone to fainting. The most recent time it happened was when I was in labor with Thomas! I got to the examining room, changed my clothes, and got on the table. The interns or whoever they were tipped the table back to see how dilated I was. It seems that they tipped me too far back, or maybe the baby slid into the wrong spot... All I know is that I was suddenly unconscious- in a dream state, swimming back into the room and wondering where I was. Then I remembered that I was having a baby. Man, that was a bummer. Poor Bill was sitting right there, hearing the monitors go off and stuff.

Today has been an odd day. Henry woke up before 5 am and was ready to eat breakfast. He asked to watch a movie, and since it was so damn early, I said ok- he had time to watch one before school. Tommy has been on a costume kick and because the human torch was in the laundry, wanted to be the red power ranger today. This means that he needs help getting in and out of it every time he needs to go potty, and needs to have the legs rolled up repeatedly or else he trips over them. . .

Here are some photos from the first day of school:

(Technically, Thomas isn't wearing a costume here, but pajamas.)

(Here we have the human torch)

We had such a fun weekend!! We visited Cincinnati- a couple hours away from us. Bill's brother and family live there, and they have an aquarium that I have been wanting to visit. The city also has a fireworks display for Labor Day.
Saturday morning we went to the aquarium. Henry stampeded through the place, barely looking at any of the fish, repeating over and over "I want to see the sharks! I want to see the sharks! I want to see the sharks! I want to see the sharks! I want to see the sharks! I want to see the sharks!"
He stopped briefly at the tank that showed wave action on a shoreline. It was hypnotizing to watch the colorful little fish be tossed around by the wave, then regain control, only to have it happen all over again.
The next exhibit that held Henry's interest was this one:
The animal on display was an otter, but Henry didn't really care about him much. He just loved, loved, loved the waterfall.
When we were finally able to drag him away from the waterfall, we came to an awesome coral reef display. The photos don't capture it very well, but the aquarium goes over your head and under your feet:
Henry was mesmerized. It was so rewarding to watch him and know that he was truly enjoying himself. A diver dropped into the tank and swam around adjusting things and feeding the fish. Henry scampered back and forth, always right in front of that diver. He has always loved the divers at our zoo too. I wonder if he will learn to dive someday?
The sharks were awesome, and there were divers in with them too! One of those divers knocked on the glass and motioned to Henry! He tried to play "pat-a-cake" with Henry through the glass, and although Henry didn't quite have the motions down, it still thrilled him to no end!
We hit a rough spell when we made him move on from that area. I guess if it were just me and Henry we could have sat in that spot all day long. But there were other people to consider, so we had to move along.
The next display was a shark "touch pool", but Henry was having a meltdown and wanted no part of it. Same thing with the penguin display. Fortunately, there were enough of us there that I could walk ahead (or lag behind) with Henry, and Thomas could still experience all the things that he wanted to see.
On your way out of the aquarium, they route you up above the shark tank, so you can look down into it one more time. That was nice for us, so Henry could end on a satisfied note (there are pictures of sharks on the wall, and the water is down below):
Visitors are then funneled out through the gift shop (of course). I bought Henry a souvenir puzzle, shark book and shark sticker book. Thomas picked out 2 "chomping" animals (an animal head on a stick with a trigger to make their mouths move) and Kate (still a kid) picked out a stuffed animal shark.
Henry is supposed to bring a picture of his family in to school, so here we are on the Kentucky side of the Ohio River:

Saturday turned out well because we then went back to Uncle J's house to watch football. Henry was able to chill out up in his cousin's bedroom, looking at books, for as long as he wanted.
Sunday we checked out the Cincinnati Zoo. I will tell about that next time.

lucky seven

Henry's birthday got off to a great start this morning. We stopped at Starbucks again on the way to the high school. I got a venti this time, both boys got crumble berry coffee cakes. By the time we got home, Henry had eaten all the crumble and berry parts off the top of his coffee cake, and started making a move toward his brother's!

Thomas and I both told him no repeatedly, but Henry would not give up. "I will trade him!" he cried. (Like Thomas wants to trade half of a perfectly good coffee cake for the mangled bottom of one. He may only be 2, but he's no fool.)

Henry was crying and really getting upset. I tried offering other breakfast favorites, but he would have none of it. "The sausage is gone! The go-tarts are gone!" he moaned, through his sniffles.

I was getting worried. The bus would come soon and Henry's birthday would be off to a horrible start.

After a few more bites, the little brother pipes up, "o-tay 'enry, I will trade wiss you."

I couldn't believe it. I gasped and said "Thomas!" in a way that seemed to make him think he was in trouble. But I quickly explained that I was so proud of him and that was so nice of him to share with Henry.

Henry's tears stopped immediately. He poked away at the top of the coffee cake, and happily went out to the bus.

Then came a wonderful surprise: the bus driver had balloons and a present for Henry!!! Is that just about too much to hope for?!

We sent in ice cream sandwiches for his class treat, and have a fun-filled weekend planned, that I will tell you about next week.

Seven years ago a light came into my life. His smiling face has made me happy for 2,555 days now! Happy Birthday Henry!

thanks for the day off L!

What luck! My sitter woke up vomitting yesterday morning!

Oh, I'm really not that cruel. I'm not happy that our beloved L was sick yesterday. But I had an unexpected day off, just me and my youngest. It was fun.

L didn't call to tell me she was sick until 8 am. We were already dressed and ready to go, and I had a staff meeting at work, so I brought Thomas in with me and asked our student workers to watch him (I knew they wouldn't mind). He was a good boy, and of course I like to show him off to my co-workers.

Then we went to the library. I always feel guilty about comparing, but it was really refreshing to go to the library with Tommy. I usually go with his "bubba", and we have a pretty strict routine we follow: only visit certain areas of the library and in a certain order. If I try to introduce a book from outside the usual subjects, it's met with disgust, at least 8 times out of 10.

Tommy, on the other hand, would just pull a random book off the shelf and ask me to read it! What fun! The books are coded with stickers to indicate holiday subject matter (an orange witch for Halloween), so we picked out quite a few cute Halloween books.

Then we went to lunch at a restaurant! A casual family sandwich place, but a step up from McDonald's. More fun! Tommy had dino-bites (chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs) and fries, I had a tuna salad sandwich and fries. I was trying to eavesdrop on the table behind us, and I think Tommy could tell, because he said "what those people is talking about?" He's so smart.

All went well until we took a potty break. Then another potty break. Then a third potty break. I realized that perhaps he was finished eating and was becoming enamored of the walk to the bathroom and the whole routine of flushing, washing hands, etc. It all goes painfully slowly because he wants to DO IT ALL HIMSELF.

On the way home he fell asleep, and I was able to lounge on the couch and watch CNN. Still more fun!

Henry was really surprised to have us meet him when he got off the bus. He said "I got back on the bus, and when I got home, you and Tommy were there!!" (When he got off the bus Thomas yelled "surprise!")

I realized that I make an effort to do things with just Henry sometimes, but almost never worry about one-on-one time with Tommy. I will have to do that more often- it was really special.

Sorry about that last post- I was truly feeling sorry for myself, and doubting myself because I had done something stupid. When I'm feeling that way, every little stupid thing like taking out the trash seems to weigh on me. Anyway, thanks for the pity party.

Oh, and my boss gave me a Starbucks gift card on Friday for "staff appreciation week"- perfect timing, eh? I'll not be without my non-fat latte for the next few weeks, at least.

We had a nice weekend. Bill's office had their company "picnic" at a bowling alley this year. We tried to prepare for the worst, hope for the best. And we were pleasantly surprised with a fun afternoon. When we first got there we were initially waylaid by the video arcade, and I was concerned that one of us would have to stand in there with Henry while the others bowled. But I had a hunch that Henry would enjoy watching the bowling, if we could get him away from the video games, and I turned out to be right. He did his excited, running-in-place, hand-flapping, humming happy dance and cheered for each person as they bowled.

Tommy was totally into it, and would grab his 7-lb bowling ball and walk right up to the lane when it was his turn! We had bumpers and a ramp to assist the kids with actually getting the ball down the lane. (I've been noticing something lately: as Tommy's development and physical growth catch up to Henry, it's as if they are closer in age than they really are. It's pretty cool, and gives me hope that they will continue to grow into playmates. But it makes me wonder also, how long until Thomas passes Henry by?)

After bowling, we were invited back to a co-worker's house. This, also, went surprisingly well. There were 2 other first-graders there, and I had a couple of those moments when you're punched in the gut by how "un-typical" your child is. But they weren't really like punches in the gut this time, more like a tap on the shoulder. I would notice it and then shrug and move on.

The mutual interest in Star Wars was enough to give the kids a little common ground. Henry stayed in the house and looked at the resident boy's books, calendars and movies. He then requested to watch The Return of the Jedi.

I also think my frame of mind helped make the evening comfortable. I used to feel uncomfortable that my kid wanted to stay in and watch a movie, while all the other kids were playing ball outside. But as we have grown accustomed to having a child with an ASD, and as our family, friends and co-workers become accustomed to the idea, it now just feels easy to say "Hey, is it all right if Henry looks through your movies? That's something he enjoys doing." And no one seems to bat an eye.

I don't want to let autism be an excuse that allows Henry to be held to different standards, but it just feels nice to not have to try to cover it up either.

I should add that this is the first time we've gotten together with these friends in over a year. We really don't socialize very much. So that's why I am so happy about how it went. And it probably went so well precisely because we don't do it very often. If we tried to make Henry hang out at someone else's house until way past his bedtime every Saturday night, it would not go so smoothly.

One aspect of the evening did make me a little uneasy (aside from the fact that I drank too much wine): I talked quite a bit with a woman who has an 18-month-old son. (They didn't bring the boy with them.) She asked me a lot of questions about Tommy's development, and Henry's, and lots of questions about autism. It became clear that she is concerned about her son's development. But all I really sifted out of the discussion was that he doesn't speak in sentences (but does have some speech) and they feel he is inordinately preoccupied with watching Sesame Street.

Have any of you ever been in that situation? Where a parent is asking you for advice about their child? I am more than comfortable telling people about Henry and my own situation, but felt very unsure what to tell this woman. I found myself saying "lots of children his age are preoccupied with Sesame Street, I don't think that's unusual." Lots of people said things like that to me when Henry was small, and that was not at all what I needed to hear. Without even seeing this child, I am hesitant to recommend that she have him evaluated. But I also don't want to put off her concerns, because we all know that the mommy instinct is a good one.

I'd be interested to know what some of you would tell this woman. Her husband works with Bill, so I'll be able to ask him to pass some information along to her if appropriate.

elements of an identity crisis (or at least a pity party)

My mom has this friend from college named Sandy. Sandy has 4 kids, mom has 3, and they are both always really busy. Sandy and mom have both always been dingbats - with a large love for life and lots of interests and activities, and still always finding time to talk on the phone for hours.

Once, several years ago, mom went to visit Sandy. I forget the circumstances exactly, but somehow mom and Sandy sat in Sandy's house talking ALL night, while Sandy's car was left running out in the driveway. I believe they were frightened by it when they finally noticed a running car out in front of the house late at night. Oh, we all loved that story! Those 2 kooky ladies- how could you do something like that? What a couple of dingbats!

Last night, after work, Thomas and I stopped at the grocery store. We meandered up and down the aisles, and ran into an old friend from my days working at the daycare (she just dropped her oldest son off to start college, and looked like she might cry when she saw Tommy holding a box of oatmeal creme pies and said "I left Alex with a box of oatmeal creme pies.")

My family called me no less than 4 times on the cell phone, to make grocery requests.

When I reached the cashier, I couldn't find my keys, to hand her my "advantage card". Uh oh, I thought, I must have left the keys in the car or, worse yet, lost them.

(You see where I'm going with this, don't you...)

As Thomas and I walked out to the parking lot, I caught sight of the minivan. When we got closer, I realized, to my horror, that IT WAS STILL RUNNING. What the hell?

Who's the dingbat now?

I wish I could say that was the worst event of the evening.

Thomas was delighted to discover a spray bottle of sunscreen in the backseat. "Mommy, tan I put on some sunscreen? Betause I-I-I will get a sunburn." I half-heartedly tried to talk him out of it: "it's getting to be nighttime. The sun isn't going to be out much longer, and I don't think you'll get sunburned."

"YES, I wiiill!"

OK, whatever. I was still reeling, trying to figure out how I had gotten me, my purse, and Thomas out of the car, grabbed a cart, and walked into the store, all without noticing that the van was still running.

So halfway home, Thomas (of course, why didn't I see this coming?) gets sunscreen in his eyes and starts screaming. By this point he had it ALL OVER his hands and face, and now was frantically rubbing his eyes- just making it all worse.

By the time I called Bill AGAIN, to tell him to be prepared for a screaming child who would need an immediate bath, I think he was ready to pack up the rest of the family and leave us two brainiacs to fend for ourselves for awhile.

No- actually he took pity on me, and when The Office came on at 8:30, he offered Kate $10 if she would get the boys ready for bed, so that we could watch one of our favorite shows together! (Kate would have done it for free, but since he offered the money, she wasn't going to turn it down.)

That was nice. But still, once I got in bed, my mind starting running... We were having a rough night, so the boys went to bed later than usual, and Tommy had eaten a tootsie pop for dinner, so wasn't sleepy (sugar buzz). "Great" I thought. "Now it will be hard to get them up in the morning, and our whole day will start off badly."

They actually got up ok. But if I think too much about the series of events that make up my morning, I get such a discouraged feeling:

Get up, go downstairs. House smells like trash. Tie up garbage bag and put out on back porch. Henry doesn't have any clean underwear: do a load of laundry. Spend too long typing in my blog- hurry up and hop in the shower. Boys wake up, get out their clothes and my clothes. Pack Henry's lunch, label miscellaneous school supplies, fill in missing phone number on emergency form. Get boys dressed, drive Kate to school, stopping at Starbucks on the way (for Kate and Henry- I had made coffee at home). Come back home, wait for the bus. Take bag of trash out to the trash cans. They are filled with rain water, so dump out yucky rain water first. The whole while Henry is shrieking "I don't want to go to school, I don't want to get on the bus." Bus arrives. Literally drag Henry to the bus, finally carrying him. He starts crying real tears and saying he doesn't want to go to school. Half of me feels sad for him, other half wants to say "tough. Every kid has to go to school. Get over it."

When I got to L's house to drop of Thomas, and told her about the past 14 hours, she said "well, where are the Timbits?" She always jokes that she can tell if I'm having a bad morning, because I show up at her house with Timbits for the kids.

But, you know, I'm on this goddamn diet.

first grade and the day before

(I am so, so sorry, but I don't have any pictures to illustrate this post. Trying to share my teenager's digital camera isn't working out so well, and I think I will need to put one on my birthday & Christmas lists this year. I did take pictures with the regular camera, of course, but will have to post those later.)

Yesterday I took the day off to spend with Henry and Kate before school started. Kate was up-and-at-'em for some reason, so we had dropped Tommy off and purchased school supplies at Target, all before 9:30 am. After that, I suggested Henry and I walk to the library. We haven't walked in awhile, and it was a completely perfect day.

Once in awhile I get these bursts of mommy energy, combined with mommy guilt. I feel like every other autism mom is constantly vigilant, constantly finding opportunities to teach her child, constantly stretching his boundaries and exploring new talents, while I'm just reading my kid the same old Disney stories and letting him play on the computer.

So, in those moments, I get these big ideas like "let's learn to ride your bike!"

We have this teeny tiny bike that is really more Tommy-sized than Henry-sized. I pushed him on it for about a block, encouraging him to "pedal, pedal, pedal!" And trying not to sound frustrated when, every 10 feet or so, he back pedaled- putting on the brakes while I was trying to push.

After the first block, we parked the bike, and walked the remaining 3 blocks. Henry spontaneously read road signs and seemed excited that he had "rided" his bike. Our time at the library was delightful. We even read a couple non-Disney books. On the way home, as we approached the waiting bike, he started proclaiming "I don't want to ride my bike I don't want to ride my bike!" At this point, I was willing to admit defeat, and just said "I don't care- don't ride it then. I'll just carry it."

He hopped right on. The little s--t.

We struggled home on the bike until I was sweaty and near the breaking point. We went inside and my savior Kate gave Henry some lunch while I took a shower.

The thing that discourages me so much is that he just doesn't get how to ride a bike. I realize that we all have to work on that skill. But most kids on a bike with training wheels can pick up the pedaling motion pretty quickly. It's just not intuitive for Henry. And most kids, once they get the motion, have the instinct to want to do it on their own, and to do it fast. Henry seems like he'd be perfectly happy to have me push him forever.

So it occurs to me to just give up and just never teach him to ride a bike.

But then I look at all the other things he's learned to do and I know that I can't give up. He can do it, and once he learns how, he will feel prouder than any other new bike rider has before him. But it's just so hard, and sometimes (lots of times) I just want things to be easy. For both of us.
_________

That afternoon, we visited Henry's teacher and classroom. She had sent him a letter over the weekend:

Dear Henry,

My name is Miss C, and I will be one of your teachers this year.

Tuesday is the first day of school for our class. Our school is Highland Elementary.* It is a fun school. Our room number is XXXX.

We have a great playground and library.** We will have a fun time and learn lots of new things.

Miss J and Miss B are also teachers in our room. They are very nice. You will do some things in our room and spend other time in a bigger 1st grade class.

I can't wait to meet you and start school!

Your teacher,
Miss C

*again, not the real name of his school.
**I mentioned on the phone that the library is one of his favorite spots.

So I was feeling positive. By the end of the visit I felt even better. Although they anticipate a couple more kids, right now there are only 3 students in his class. And one of the boys is a friend from his class last year! A really sweet, quiet boy, with a cute old-fashioned-type name like Henry's.

Henry found some (too easy for him) puzzles, and some Disney books on the shelf. After that, I think he felt right at home.

Even though our district is small enough that it doesn't have bus service, the special ed kids get picked up in a school bus (a regular-sized one, not a short bus). So that was an added excitement this morning. I didn't have time to get weepy- I needed to snap some pictures and make sure that Thomas didn't run out in the street. Henry took along an arsenal of his favorite things: the binder full of print-outs, the Lady and the Tramp DVD box, and the insert from the Lady and the Tramp CD we borrowed from the library.

From all accounts it sounds like he had a "super good" day today. I wonder if he will object to going tomorrow? I'll let you know.

And I think I will ask his teachers and therapists to work on riding a bike. I am not equipped with the knowledge or the stamina to do this stuff alone.

milestones

Henry's birthday is coming. His summer program is coming to an end. A new school year is ready to begin. All these moments to mark this place in time in my memory.

Tuesday Henry had his annual eye exam at 3. It was his class' day to swim in the Easter Seals indoor pool, from 1:15 to 2:15. I arrived around 2, shushing the teachers, so Henry wouldn't notice I was there, and watched him swim a little. Getting the kids dried off and back into their clothes seems to take up about half of the swim hour. I talked with Henry's teachers as they dried off each shivering skinny kid, and I had the opportunity to ask some of the kids their names. I noticed one boy hopping and flapping his hands excitedly in a Henry-esque way.

Henry was the last child out of the pool, and I thought back to 2 summers ago, when he would have been crying and holding on to a teacher for dear life, or just staying on the steps. Then I thought back to last summer, when he spent a good deal of time being separated from the other kids because aggression seemed to be the only form of communication he trusted.

All of a sudden, he is one of the big boys. One of the kids who gets to mess around with Mr. Chris, the cool swimming instructor, and stay in the pool longer than the rest. He has spent much of this summer being Ms. S's helper- making bulletin boards and getting lunches from the kitchen. Ms. S told me that she works at Home Depot on the weekends. They have kid projects from time to time, and she brought one in for the kids to work on: a pencil box. "Henry's been telling me that he made me a pencil box!" I said. But I didn't realize that he had made it using a hammer and nails!! I wouldn't have imagined that!

At the eye doctor, I was again astounded by, and so proud of, my sons. Each one sat in the chair, named the letters and pictures (Tommy doesn't know his letters yet), looked through the "machine that looks like a viewmaster", even let the doctor put the dilating drops in their eyes. They were perfect the entire time, except at the beginning of Thomas' exam: the doctor would say "Tommy, what am I pointing to?" and Henry would shout out the answer "a duck!"

I thought back to what a struggle last year's exam had been. Sigh. This is better. Things have improved. For all of us. The summer has flown by with hardly a behavioral blip. Henry actually made friends in the summer program. He and his brother are almost maybe starting to be friends. Thomas is using the potty almost all the time. Kate and I aren't yelling at each other all the time. Wow- it has been a pretty good year (knock on wood).

Today I approached my boss about altering my work hours. Henry will be picked up for school at 8:10. I am supposed to be at work at 8, and while I am consistently about 20 minutes late anyway, I think that being a whole hour late requires some discussion.

I looked into the before-care program at his school, but it is actually housed at a different elementary school. So I would have to drop Henry off at one location, to hang out with a group of kids for half an hour, then he would be transported on a bus to his school. This is unacceptable to me.

So I can't think of another option but to change my hours at work: either work 9-5:30 with a half hour for lunch instead of an hour, or officially change my work status to 90% time (which would of course incur a 10% pay cut.)

And I haven't forgotten the weird tag- I'm working on it. Have a great weekend everyone.

Yesterday I e-mailed the Director of Special Education in our district:

Hi XXXXXXX,

I'm not sure if you would know the answers to these questions, but I don't know who else to ask...

Do you know if the STACK classroom will be having an open house before school starts? It is only a few days away, and I've not heard anything from Henry's teacher. We received the letter from (county organization) giving us her name and confirming that Henry will be attending Highland*, etc.
But I've been expecting to get a letter from the teacher, letting us know what he'll need in the way of school supplies, and when we can come in to check out the room. That's important for any kid before school starts, but especially our autism spectrum kids!

Henry seems excited about first grade, and he is familiar with Highland's playground, but I don't think we've been inside the building since those initial speech and PT evaluations, years ago.
Thanks for your help, and let me know if I should be shooting these questions to someone in (The county organization).

-Gretchen

*Highland is not the real name of his school. That's actually the name of the elementary school I attended.

Well, whad'ya know, guess who called me last night? Henry's teacher. She was kind of loud and disorganized. Partway through the conversation she yelled "I'm on the phone!" to someone, presumably one of her kids. She explained that she just moved here, and will be getting a tour of the school today (Thursday). First she said that she would be sending me a letter today, about visiting the school on Monday (school starts on Tuesday). Later in the conversation she said that she would call me today about setting up a time to come in on Monday.

I am really trying hard to not jump to conclusions here, but I didn't get the warmest, fuzziest, most confident feeling about this new teacher. But I keep telling myself: There are all different kinds of personalities, and they can all be great teachers. Ms. H was not the only good teacher Henry will ever have. Also, there will be 2 aides in the classroom and I'm sure they will be wonderful.

I'm just uneasy, and will be for the next couple weeks until this is all a known, rather than an unknown.

I can tell that Henry is feeling uneasy also, and I need to make a conscious effort to spend more time with him. He has been talking in his sleep a lot, and I can't think of a more tactful way to say this, so I'll just say it- he has pooped in his pants several times over the past week. I can only imagine that he is

a.) responding somehow to Thomas' potty training (which is going great, by the way)

and/or

b.) this is how Henry is revealing his worry about the coming school year.

Last night I spent a little extra time reading and snuggling with him- that will, no doubt, be beneficial to both of us.
___________

One other thing on my mind today:

May JonBenet and her mommy finally rest in peace. I cannot read anymore of this story.

the state fair

Henry: It's finally August 12th!

Thomas: We is doin' to the fair with dranpa and dranma and me and my big brudder and my mommy.

Henry and I have a special tradition of going to the fair every year. He has always loved farm animals, probably due to my unconscious training. I love farm animals too. My dad grew up on a farm, so I suppose that is why I have this soft spot for agricultural stuff. And I love to have my dad come along to the fair- he always teaches us something new. I hope this will be something my kids will always remember.

We had planned to go yesterday, because a cousin from a different part of the state was going to be receiving an award for her Severe Weather Poster design! And yesterday's weather cooperated to make it a perfect day.

When we finally got into the parking area (after sitting in quite a bit of traffic, but the boys were very patient), we caught a ride to the front gate on a wagon, pulled by a tractor. How cool was that? You can tell by the boys' faces:

(Tommy is wearing Grandma's hat!)

When we got inside, we quickly veered off the midway, and headed for the animal barns. Here are grandpa and Thomas admiring some beautiful cows:

And Henry, milking a cow:

A shift out of the usual routine came when we went across to the other side of the fair to see my cousin and her family. This upset Henry a bit, and he did a lot of loud disagreeing. It also required crossing the midway again, and Henry caught sight of some of the Disney-type prizes available as prizes for the games.
I really try to keep him in the dark about anything at the fair aside from the agricultural stuff. If we had to go and ride the rides and play the games and mill about with all the crowds eating funnel cakes, I wouldn't do it.
After some lunch and some strawberry ice cream, Henry's mood was back on track. We checked out the tent where newborn babies were on display- some lambs, chicks, ducklings, and a calf that was just trying to stand up! I think if we had arrived a few minutes earlier, we would have seen it being born!! While I might have found that interesting, it probably would have scarred my children for life, so just as well that we missed it.
While trying to duck out of the crowds, I led us into the building where a horse show was going on. As we walked around the perimeter, past the concession stands, Henry heard the organ music coming out of the arena, and requested to go in. OK, why not?
So we caught just the last set of the competition- (I don't know anything about horses, so don't know what to call this type of riding) individual horses, pulling small wooden wagons. The announcer would instruct them to run at different gaits, then stop, then go backwards! At the point when the riders had stopped, and all was quiet, Henry shouted out "they won the game!" Pretty funny. Then, when the horses were lined up at the end, Henry shrieked "the black horse won!"
He ended up being correct: the black horse did win first place. But there were only 2 horses in this competition, so he had a 50/50 chance of being correct.

It was comforting to see that we could add a new activity to the day with pleasant result. Of course, it was all Henry's idea. I'm sure if grandma, grandpa, or I (or God forbid, his brother) had suggested watching the horse show, Henry would have not gone so willingly.
When it was time to leave, of course Henry didn't want to. That's when Grandma pulled something out of her bag of tricks: "Henry, I have a new puzzle for you back at your house. A Cinderella movie poster puzzle." After hearing that, Henry couldn't get out of the fair fast enough!
I have to post this last picture, even though I try not to post anyone's picture without asking their permission:
My dad is such a good sport. On the way out of the fair, Henry was tired, and riding in Thomas' stroller. So dad carried Tommy on his shoulders. Then I had the bright idea of buying the boys frozen fruit bars to eat. Thomas carried his happily, but didn't eat any of it. Instead, he let it melt down onto Grandpa's head and shoulder. Before I grabbed it from him and threw it away, I made them pose for a picture so I would always remember.
Mom and dad even bought me a souvenir: a t-shirt from the John Deere licensed products booth that says "farmer's daughter" with the John Deere logo. When it comes to the fair, I guess I'll never grow up! (Here's the John Deere website, but the shirt I got isn't pictured there.)

the letdown

Once again, I've been cocky. Thomas had a rough day with the potty stuff yesterday. 2 accidents (of the poopy variety) at his sitter's, and then I think 3 accidents at home last night, in the span of 1 1/2 hours.

I really hate potty training. I feel like every inch of our house will soon be covered with pee-pee. Shiiiver. Yuck.

Tommy started crying every time he had an accident, but I think it was because he knew we would then make him sit on the potty some more, not because he felt bad for having an accident. One time, he was sitting on his brother's bed, so then we had to take all the bedding off and wash it. I tried to get Thomas to assist me in throwing the dirty stuff down the laundry chute, but he defiantly refused. So then, on top of all the potty issues, I punished him for "not listening", and took away his saber. Yes, it was a grim night.

Tommy also awoke during the night, crying. That hasn't happened for quite awhile. He won't communicate at those times, so I never know if he has had a bad dream, or if something is hurting him... He didn't have a fever, wasn't drooling as if it were his teeth. He seemed to be squirming as if his legs were hurting, so I tried rubbing them. When I got to his left foot, he relaxed, yawned, and fell back asleep. Do you think he is having growing pains or something?

I am also feeling sorry for myself because I have been keeping up with my new exercise regimen pretty faithfully for 2 months now, but my clothes are getting tighter than ever. I was living in this fantasy world where all you have to do is start exercising 1/2 hour several times a week and you quickly become a supermodel. Oh, you mean I need to also not eat everything that occurs to me? Who knew? I really hate dieting and potty training.
_________

Let's talk about vacation again. Christine brought up a good question after my last post: "did Henry show the same preference for staying inside when you were on vacation?"

No. Not nearly as much. I think it has to do with his expectation of "how things should be." In Michigan, you go outside to swim, sail, watch the boats go down the river, etc. At home, you stay inside to do puzzles, read books, watch movies.


Here is Bill carrying Henry home "like a sack of potatoes" after swimming. Henry didn't want to come back in.

And there's not as much appealing stuff to do outside at home. The outside stuff here (sandbox, roller skating, playgrounds) doesn't tickle his fancy the same way. There was a playground up in Michigan, which Tommy enjoyed, but Henry never played on it.

When we were inside on vacation, it was often hard to get him to leave. We had brought some puzzles and books, and the story tapes, after all...

But maybe we just forced the issue more, because there were special things we all wanted to do.

happy stuff and weird stuff

Tomatoes are one of Henry's favorite foods. So earlier this summer I thought it would be fun to plant our own, and maybe discover something to make Henry enjoy going outside a little more. We started small with our vegetable garden: just 2 cherry tomato plants in plastic pots.

(In our early days together, Bill and I naively planted a vegetable garden that quickly got out of control. Although he maintains a beautiful yard full of flowers and plants, we have stayed away from vegetables ever since.)

Here is Henry, picking a few tomatoes to enjoy with his dinner:



The first time I told him the tomatoes were ready and he could pick one, he said "I need some help please." That is almost always his response, before even trying something. I had to talk him into trying it himself, and then of course the tomato just easily fell right off the vine into his hand. He was so excited.

See the papers in his hand? Those are pages he printed off the Disney website. We could build an addition to our home with those things, there are so many lying around.
______
Thomas is doing great with his potty training! I was totally lazy over the weekend, and didn't even try it. But when I woke him up Monday morning, I sat him on the potty, put him in underpants, and told him that if he used the potty all week, I would take him to the store and he could pick out a toy.
He went on to pee on the dining room chair while eating his breakfast. But after that, he had a great day at L's house, with NO ACCIDENTS! I was so excited and proud that evening that I took him to Target and bought him a toy! Yes, completely defeating the purpose of the bribe. I don't care. Henry didn't use the potty 'til age 4, so I am just beside myself at the thought that we might be done with diapers forever at age 2 1/2!
Thomas even used the potty at Target after our shopping. The toy he picked out was a Power Rangers sword (made out of foam), with a scabbard to clip on to his pants (or underpants, as the case may be):



Have you seen Chicken Little? It is a favorite at our house, and we especially love the music. I play it in the mornings to wake the boys up. Patti LaBelle and Joss Stone get things started, and by the time the Barenaked Ladies come on, we are all dancing and singing. Isn't it great when a kids' movie can keep the adults entertained as well, viewing after viewing? This soundtrack even has Henry liking REM (one song at least, maybe I can turn him on to some others), and you would melt into a puddle if you heard Henry singing along to the Five for Fighting song. And then he quotes Chicken Little from that scene in the movie: "c'mon- all I need is a chance!"
______
I told mom-nos that I post about plenty of my own weirdness on this site every day. But I did think of a couple additional random weird things about me:
- I never finish a cup of coffee. I love coffee, but must just drink too slowly. A size small (or tall) is too small for me- I always order a medium (or grande). But then I never, ever, finish it. Sometimes I even re-heat it and drink some more, but there is just always a bit left in the bottom of the cup.
- I am compulsive about the laundry. We tried having the teenager do her own laundry to avoid some stress, but I couldn't handle it. I have to sort it, examine it, re-wash it if it is still smelly or stain treat it and soak it if it is stained. This takes an inordinate amount of my time, time that could be better spent cleaning other areas of my house! (I am not nearly compulsive enough about other chores.)
- I have several scars on my arm from around age 5 or 6. I was standing outside the front storm door, my toddler brother was standing inside, and we were both banging on the glass. My left arm went through the window, leaving several long cuts. What a nightmare for my mom- can you imagine??!!
The thing about these scars is, I bet people notice them and wonder if I've tried to slit my wrists?! My co-workers and other acquaintances might be imagining all kinds of drama in my past, when really, it's just evidence of playing with my little brother.
That's all the weirdness for now- I'm sure there will be more to come.

Our weekend had some ups and downs. Sometimes lately, I get cocky and think "Henry used to have all those behaviors, but he's doing so much better now- he's making great strides." And he is- he is. But then the day comes that we do something unusual, like picking up an uncle at the airport, and Henry reverts back to his house-on-fire voice and his insistent and overpowering manner, and I think that maybe we haven't come so far after all.

My brother-in-law was in town briefly yesterday. We headed out to the airport to meet him and wandered around. The confusion was my fault- instead of just saying we would drive by the passenger loading/unloading area, I said that we would park and all come in to the airport. I consistently make this mistake. I always think "boys like airports- this will be fun." And I always forget that it's confusing and crowded and both boys like to ride escalators*, and you can't even see any airplanes anyway, now that unticketed folks are not allowed beyond the security check.

(*I have a weird little escalator phobia- I have recurring dreams where I need to get on an escalator going down, but it's going really, really, really fast and it's hard to step on and hard to hold on... I obviously have done a good job of hiding this fear, because my kids love to ride the escalator!)

Henry kept shouting that he wanted to ride the escalator: repeating it non-stop in the house-on-fire voice. We rode it a couple of times, and then the boys and I just gave up and went back to wait by the car.

Once Bill found Uncle J., we all headed for breakfast at Bob Evans. As soon as he walked in the door, Henry spotted a Strawberry Supreme Pie in the display case. He pressed his face and sweaty hand to the glass and shouted "I want this pie! I want this pie! I want this pie!"

Why so much shouting? And why so much anxiety? You know, now that I think about it, I did not prep him ahead of time on the plan. Maybe if I had told him a few days ahead of time, this would not have all been so exciting and overwhelming. Duh. I know this stuff, but then I forget it. Or I think it's not necessary for a little Sunday morning trip to the airport.

On Saturday, Henry and I went to the library. There was a girl there, a few years older than Henry, who was reading aloud to her mom. She seemed to really struggle- one of those kids who reads
so
slowly
that
it's
hard
to
follow
what
she's
saying. Her mom was being kind of short with her, and correcting her in a gruff way, even when her mistake was something as simple as saying "of" instead of "off". I felt sorry for this girl, to be spending her Saturday afternoon in such an unpleasant way, and to be struggling so much with her reading. I hoped that she would grow to enjoy reading in spite of that.

At the same time, Henry was quietly reading aloud from the front cover of the Star Wars book on tape. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... Luke Skywalker had returned home to Tatooine..."

Yes, most of that was memorization, but it still gave me a lift. What a blessing- Henry has his share of difficulties, but I'm so glad that reading isn't one of them!

emotional rescue (another song on dad's MP3)

I just finished a book that I can't get out of my head: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (one of your suggestions for my vacation reading). I started the book on vacation, then lost interest partway through, then picked it up again over the weekend and finished it. It's a good book, with a clever premise, but there are some things I wish the author would have explored more- I wanted to know some more about the characters, and I guess I just like everything tied up in a neat little bow at the end.

The thing is, it wasn't my favorite book ever, but yet I still keep thinking about it. Maybe this is why I don't read more books- I get obsessive about them. Why can't I just read a good book in a casual way? It's like I have to get totally immersed in it- to the point where I'm bawling at the end when a certain thing happens that we already knew was going to happen.

(I could tell this thing was going to happen about halfway through, and that's part of why I stopped reading for a little while. It's kind of like when we watched rented Titanic years ago- I got mad halfway through and went to bed: "why am I even caring about these characters? We know the ship is going to sink and they're all going to die anyway!")

I was equally perseverative after reading the Harry Potter books. I started surfing all those goofy Harry Potter sites, and reading all the essays that the HP geeks post on their theories. Get a life, Gretchen. Finish the book, put it on your shelf, and move on!

Sometimes I wonder if I have an over-active emotion gene, which causes me to invest myself a little too much? Kristin wrote awhile back about being "too sensitive." I commented then that "I cry every time there's a baptism at church. I'd call that sensitive. Or 'in touch with my emotions'. I wish I could control it better sometimes, but it's who I am."

Here's another example: my boss' wife passed away from cancer almost 3 years ago. Her illness was quick, and our small office was privy to just about every detail, every emotion, that my boss was feeling. It was pretty awful, to say the least. This past spring, he got re-married. The last time I had seen most of the wedding guests had been at his first wife's funeral, and some of them had been very close friends of hers.

The wedding was lovely, but I felt completely drained by the end of the night. Bill and I talked about it the next day, and decided that maybe this event was especially emotionally draining for me, because I was thinking about so much other stuff: his first wife, her funeral, how her friends must be feeling, how I would be feeling if it were me, what my husband would do if I were to die... ugh. It was like I couldn't shift gears- the last time I saw these people was at a horribly sad event. Now, we're at a terrifically happy event! Screeech! I wish I could just turn my emotions down a click for awhile and enjoy the party.

Last week one of the DJs on the sunshine-y morning radio program had a baby. As I listened to the other DJs talk to her on the phone, I suddenly felt my lip start to quiver. "What the hell?!" I thought. People have babies EVERY DAY. Why does someone talking about having a baby (albeit at the same hospital where I had my sons) make me cry???

But, as she was talking, I think I was subconsciously picturing myself in that hospital bed, holding a tiny, wiggly, squeaky baby, feeling exhilarated and frightened and proud and stunned all at the same time.

I don't want to turn off my emotions- they are what make me feel alive, and make me appreciate all the beauty in my life. I just don't want to be a slave to them!